First date in two years... advice needed

[The Ox King]

I took my twenty seconds of courage and set up a date with a gal I've never met before, which is a bucket list item of mine. (I always know the gals a bit beforehand.) This is my first date in over two years. Even before that, I dated rarely. That said, I know y'all are nerds, but I still need what advice you can give. I have no idea what to do. It's a coffee date right after work, so I won't have time to do much. Do I bring flowers? Cookies? Hell, condoms? Plus, she's older. She's 29, I'm just shy of 26. She likes Skyrim. As she stated

Quote

 

I play lots of video games. I love Skyrim, Fallout 4, Tomb Raider series, Assassin's Creed and more. I enjoy comic books and graphic novels. I play Magic when I can. 

I'm close to my Associates in IT which I'm going for my Bachelor's. I love computers. If I could sit for hours and build them...I would be so happy. 

 

Despite the stigma, I met her on Craigslist.

[Traxex]

28 minutes ago, neomattlac said:

Do I bring flowers? Cookies? Hell, condoms?

 

As someone who met a skyrim playing dude with an IT associates on OKCupid ~2.25 years ago, met him for coffee right after work, and is now marrying him, I feel authorized to comment.

 

No flowers, no cookies, bring condoms but leave 'em in the car. Just in case. Better safe than sorry. 

 

Put some hairspray and a comb in your car. Fix your hair right after work. If you want to refresh cologne, spray it only once *under* your shirt, not on top. Trust me. Maybe one of those single use toothbrush things, or at least some gum. 

 

You can buy her a coffee and a cookie when you're there. Then just talk!! Don't sweat it. Have a good time. Scope out the closest place for a casual drink (or maybe some more substantial food) near the coffee shop and if you're done with your coffee and treat you can smoothly suggest a place to head to keep the conversation going. Or maybe sparks don't fly and you finish your coffee and go home. Either way... you got out of your comfort zone which is awesome. 

[The Ox King]

28 minutes ago, Lifter5 said:

 

As someone who met a skyrim playing dude with an IT associates on OKCupid ~2.25 years ago, met him for coffee right after work, and is now marrying him, I feel authorized to comment.

 

No flowers, no cookies, bring condoms but leave 'em in the car. Just in case. Better safe than sorry. 

 

Put some hairspray and a comb in your car. Fix your hair right after work. If you want to refresh cologne, spray it only once *under* your shirt, not on top. Trust me. Maybe one of those single use toothbrush things, or at least some gum. 

 

You can buy her a coffee and a cookie when you're there. Then just talk!! Don't sweat it. Have a good time. Scope out the closest place for a casual drink (or maybe some more substantial food) near the coffee shop and if you're done with your coffee and treat you can smoothly suggest a place to head to keep the conversation going. Or maybe sparks don't fly and you finish your coffee and go home. Either way... you got out of your comfort zone which is awesome. 

Super-authorized to comment. XD

 

As for the comb and hairspray... well, despite my age, I'm almost bald (and it looks horrible), but I do have a bitchin' beard. I attached proof. Nevermind. It showed up huge.

 

I have an actual toothbrush at work, so I'll do it the right way.

 

As for cologne, nah. I'm not bringing a (large) glass container of alcohol into work nor leaving it in my car to explode. Besides, I work in the sweet bliss of A/C. Maybe I'll spray an undershirt before going into work and switch out on my way out.

 

There's a hibachi place nearby that has alcohol, and a bar... and another bar.. and three more bars, and probably 16 liquor stores in a stone's throw distance. 

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention one thing. She has her own place, and I still live with my parents, but she said she's cool with that because I have a legit plan to move out.

My concern about buying her food is that, because of the setup of the shop and speed of service, it's possible that she'll have already paid for her stuff before I get to. But I will try. 

 

Despite my rough edges (i.e. I'm not smooth), if I do manage to get her to go somewhere, I rarely drink, and found, recently, that my tolerance is abnormally low now.

(So many things in this sounds like excuses! I'm sorry, I just think like a software tester; always trying to find the problem! XP)

 

 

[Traxex]

no problem. Let me amend my advice to be more vague since you're attaching to details :

1. Spruce up before the date. Do what you gotta do to look and smell fresh and not like you've been slumped in front of a computer all day. Don't forget to dress in something for work that makes you feel super.
2. Be a gentleman and have a great time. Just go for pleasant conversation.
3. Have two plans -- what you do if there aren't fireworks, and what you do if there are. Scout out a place to go in the case of event B -- a place to go if she's hungry for real dinner and/or a place to go to have a drink and talk more. Get a beer and nurse it if you're worried about your tolerance.
4. Because you mentioned it: Only go back to her place if it's her idea, don't suggest it or invite yourself over. It's cute in movies ("aren't you going to invite me up for coffee? *wink wink*") but it throws up red flags IRL. Besides, I personally think it's way more hot to be making out against your car for 30 minutes before breathlessly saying goodnight, and keep a little suspense for date 2 or 3. (Not that that happened on my own coffee date.... *innocent whistling*)

[The Ox King]

1 hour ago, Lifter5 said:

no problem. Let me amend my advice to be more vague since you're attaching to details :

1. Spruce up before the date. Do what you gotta do to look and smell fresh and not like you've been slumped in front of a computer all day. Don't forget to dress in something for work that makes you feel super.
2. Be a gentleman and have a great time. Just go for pleasant conversation.
3. Have two plans -- what you do if there aren't fireworks, and what you do if there are. Scout out a place to go in the case of event B -- a place to go if she's hungry for real dinner and/or a place to go to have a drink and talk more. Get a beer and nurse it if you're worried about your tolerance.
4. Because you mentioned it: Only go back to her place if it's her idea, don't suggest it or invite yourself over. It's cute in movies ("aren't you going to invite me up for coffee? *wink wink*") but it throws up red flags IRL. Besides, I personally think it's way more hot to be making out against your car for 30 minutes before breathlessly saying goodnight, and keep a little suspense for date 2 or 3. (Not that that happened on my own coffee date.... *innocent whistling*)

1. I shall.

2. I shall.

3. Is Red Robin an appropriate place for just food? Food and drink would probably be the hibachi grill or... Thai Inter, which are both sorta fancy, but also casual. Like, I live in a hick town, so "fancy" is really relative. Oh, it's on a Wednesday! ABC Lounge does (or at least used to) trivia on Wednesday! I'm realizing that there aren't many places to eat and drink...

4. Would it be okay to joke about it? Asides, I'm a pessimist and am already shooting myself down, primarily because of social anxiety. I'd probably consider it fast if I held hands with her or just barely kissed her on the first date. It astounds me and makes me jealous when people can move as fast as you do. "Uninhibited" is the word that comes to mind. I have a "thing" about commitment, which is really hilarious considering my life is full of commitments. 

 

Can you tell me more about your first date, what happened, what he did good/bad, and what was going through your mind?

[Traxex]

4 minutes ago, neomattlac said:

3. Is Red Robin an appropriate place for just food?

 

for me, no. I'd stay away from chain restaurants if possible. I would do the Thai place.

 

5 minutes ago, neomattlac said:

Would it be okay to joke about it?

 

I wouldn't! It's just one of those things about being a woman and meeting a dude online. She's already being slightly risky meeting you off craigslist (sorry, no offense meant. I'm sure you're lovely). If you haven't seen Louis CK's bit about how women even dare to go out with women, I recommend it. He's hilarious and and it's also kinda true. 

 

 

 

My first date... aw. Memories.

 

Well we met for coffee after work on a Thursday because I had mentioned on my profile that I like black coffee and black beer. 

 

When I met him I was surprised, because his profile pictures were.... just *really* bad compared to how handsome he actually is. So that was a plus.

 

The coffee shop we were in is the kind like in the show Friends where there's a coffee table, couch and chair. At first I sat on the couch and he sat in the chair. After talking for a while and having a really nice conversation, we finished our coffee and coffee cake but weren't ready to go home. The coffee shop we were in had a liquor license so we ordered one of those extra big bottles of a coffee stout (because I like black beers) and split it and kept talking, but after we had the beer he sat next to me on the couch, and kept talking. He did try to get cuddly and put his arm around me, and that made me uncomfortable (I don't like PDA) so I politely asked him not to. No big deal.

 

After a few hours it was like... 11 pm or something. He walked me to my car, which was on a side street, and we talked for like 30 minutes more. And then made out for like 30 minutes. And then finally went home. It was ridiculous.

 

Our second date was 2 days later on that Saturday. 

[The Ox King]

7 minutes ago, Lifter5 said:

 

for me, no. I'd stay away from chain restaurants if possible. I would do the Thai place.

 

 

I wouldn't! It's just one of those things about being a woman and meeting a dude online. She's already being slightly risky meeting you off craigslist (sorry, no offense meant. I'm sure you're lovely). If you haven't seen Louis CK's bit about how women even dare to go out with women, I recommend it. He's hilarious and and it's also kinda true. 

Thai place it is. 

Fantastic video. Amazing story. I'm glad he brushed his teeth (though, by that point, he probably tasted like black coffee and black beer). 

I come off as a creepy guy. I think it's just my demeanor and the way I move. I jump between slow and quick, and between careful and reckless, which really disturbs people. Also, my haircut looks like Bernie Sanders. 

It's 11:45PM, so I'm going to sleep. Good night, and thank you for the fantastic advice. Feel free to blow up the place with more advice whilst I'm gone.

[Traxex]

8 minutes ago, neomattlac said:

I come off as a creepy guy. I think it's just my demeanor and the way I move.

 

My only extra advice would be to ditch this way of thinking!

 

Too many people believe "I can't change who I am." "That's just the way I am." Etc.

 

We change constantly!! You can always make a conscious decision to change any part of yourself. It just takes practice

 

Sweet dreams. Let me know how the date goes! 

[Igaduma]

It's coffee.  That's fairly casual.  So keep it casual.  No gifts, nothing fancy.

Act as if you are having coffee with a friend (unless you tend to belch and fart with your friends, don't belch and fart until at least the second date :P)

 

If possible, try not to sit across from her but at an angle of 90°.  This is far less "confronting".  You can look at her without it being weird, you are talking to her after all.  But you can also not look at her without it being weird because you'll just be looking straight ahead.  Ofcourse, it depends on the place, if you have to rearrange the furniture to not sit face to face, that would be even weirder.

[Machete]

YES. *virtual fist bump

 

 

Be you, because really that's all you can ever be. Lying is exhausting, and people can usually see through it. When you're comfortable with who you are you know what you are capable of and you know what you are good at. Women seem to be able to smell this on someone from a mile away; that's why it is often mentioned that confidence and being passionate about something are massive turn-ons. Sometimes realness may even override creepiness. Also, they can smell when you're nervous, so don't put pressure on yourself. It's not that big of a deal; it's more like a job interview--you're seeing if you're compatible, you're not Ariel trying to make-out with prince Eric by sundown or you belong to Ursula. Don't worry if she thinks you're a creep, she probably won't tell you outright. But asking I think is creepy. Definitely make double-sure that you are clean; smell is a legitimate deal-breaker, and even a game-changer.

 

You should probably pay. (She should probably offer, or at least make "the reach.") I don't know. I think this is an individual preference thing. I once took out (I am using this very liberally) a woman who picked me up and paid for dinner because she said she was the one who took me out. But anyway, I think you should make it a point to have fun. You're there to enjoy yourself, period, not necessarily as a precursor to get into someone's pants. It also shows that you have a life. Because of this I always rub one out before interacting with someone, because I am not blind to the reality that I am a guy, and as such, a slave to biological imperative. I am aware that my member is fully capable of overriding my brain and will do so at the first opportunity.

 

 

Again, I wouldn't come in trying to get laid, but having rubbers accessible is I guess just something one does, like wearing a seatbelt even if you don't plan on crashing your car. I tend to be too cautious with this, mostly to tone-down the creepiness, because I don't want to be presumptuous, hence all the cringeworthy stories I've told here of me missing many apparently blatantly-offered opportunities. I don't try to actively avoid conversations about sex though. Being uncomfortable with the subject makes me seem... creepy.

 

 

I don't know, I'm probably talking out of my ass. I'm probably the last person here who should be giving dating [and job interview] advice.

[Rostov]

 

I was in a similar situation a few years back... first date in a long time, met via the internet. For what it's worth:

 

1) Try to relax and enjoy it

2) Don't get your hopes up. The chances of striking relationship gold first time aren't that high

3) Take it seriously, but also think of it like a practice run. Even if it doesn't work out, think of the practice/experience/confidence you'll gain. If you're not right for each other, you (and perhaps her as well) will be a step closer being ready for when you do meet the right person. When I did meet the right person, the fact that I'd had a few dates with someone else (fizzled out) and been speed dating meant I was less nervous and better prepared. How much difference that made I don't know.

4) Remember that she's likely to be nervous too, but I'd say move through it rather than acknowledge the awkwardness of the situation

5) Well done on doing this

6) Good luck

 

[Guzzi]

11 hours ago, Machete said:

No.1

 

...Be you, because really that's all you can ever be. When you're comfortable with who you are you know what you are capable of and you know what you are good at. Women seem to be able to smell this on someone from a mile away; that's why it is often mentioned that confidence and being passionate about something are massive turn-ons...

 

Everything Machete said is gold, but I've highlighted the best bits. 

 

Be you. Because even if you are a guy who's movements may seem a little weird, well heck, don't you want a girl who's not put off by that!? That may not be this girl, but you will just have to wait and see how it goes, have fun and if the sparks don't fly then maybe you just made a new friend instead. 

 

Confidence and being self assured are among the sexiest traits anyone can posses. Cockiness however is a total turn off.  Own your quirkiness, don't try to hide it. 

 

What I find sexy is when someone has the confidence to be themselves and will go against peer pressure. The guy who doesn't need to prove himself and can stand on his own. That's sexy!

 

 

Quote

...It's not that big of a deal; it's more like a job interview--you're seeing if you're compatible....But anyway, I think you should make it a point to have fun. You're there to enjoy yourself, period, not necessarily as a precursor to get into someone's pants. It also shows that you have a life...

 

OH MY GOD YES!!!

 

I cannot explain how much this applies! There's a fine line here though... Knowing that someone finds you attractive is very sexy and empowering, but being hit on is a giant turn off.

 

There's nothing worse that being stuck with someone who's looking to get into your pants, and you can't leave yet because that would be rude! Errr...What!!!!

(It's ok, I know this isn't what you would be doing, but there are guys who do! And believe me, most women hate it.)

 

I alway think a potential relationship should start as a friendship. (I mean, and let's be honest here guys, how many of your female friends do you fancy on some level anyway? Right?) Treat it like coffee with a new friend and try to get to know her and listen to her. Women usually prefer this to feeling that someone is trying to impress them.  

 

Smile, laugh, relax. Enjoy her company. Be yourself. Those are what's important and all the other advice basically boils down to those three sentences. (Plus "have fun!" )

 

Anyways, I'm sure you already know everything I've said. I'm just chiming in with another female point of view on the whole "dating thing". Though really, I probably have the least dating experience of anyone here. I've only had 2 boyfriends (or partners of any kind!) in my life, never been asked out, never gone on a proper "date", nothin! So, um, maybe you shouldn't listen to me....  

 

Quote

...Because of this I always rub one out before interacting with someone, because I am not blind to the reality that I am a guy, and as such, a slave to biological imperative. I am aware that my member is fully capable of overriding my brain and will do so at the first opportunity.

 

This is pretty good advice. It will seriously help with the "be yourself" bit. You don't want to go in there and be staring at her tits and drooling. That would be bad. Very bad. And may end with her clocking you on the side of your head with her pocketbook and storming off. Just saying.  

[Igaduma]

1 hour ago, Guzzi said:

This is pretty good advice. It will seriously help with the "be yourself" bit. You don't want to go in there and be staring at her tits and drooling. That would be bad.

Telling her you rubbed one out so you could look at her without drooling would probably be just as bad though, or worse.

[The Ox King]

17 hours ago, Machete said:

YES. *virtual fist bump

Got it. So, "don't try too hard to not come across as creepy, or else you'll come across as creepy."

[The Ox King]

13 hours ago, Rostov said:

 

I was in a similar situation a few years back... first date in a long time, met via the internet. For what it's worth:

 

1) Try to relax and enjoy it

2) Don't get your hopes up. The chances of striking relationship gold first time aren't that high

3) Take it seriously, but also think of it like a practice run. Even if it doesn't work out, think of the practice/experience/confidence you'll gain. If you're not right for each other, you (and perhaps her as well) will be a step closer being ready for when you do meet the right person. When I did meet the right person, the fact that I'd had a few dates with someone else (fizzled out) and been speed dating meant I was less nervous and better prepared. How much difference that made I don't know.

4) Remember that she's likely to be nervous too, but I'd say move through it rather than acknowledge the awkwardness of the situation

5) Well done on doing this

6) Good luck

 

I know the statistics. On average, a man has had seven partners before he gets married. Assuming they meant romantic partners, then she'll be number four. S

"Move through it"... that's gonna be difficult, but I've done it before!

[The Ox King]

10 hours ago, RandMart said:

I'm sure everything will be most excellent, but just in case

 

Rule 22: When in doubt, Know your way out

 

Relax, have fun, and make some memories

I always know my way out; excessively so.

And I need to remember that last line.

[The Ox King]

5 hours ago, Guzzi said:

 

Everything Machete said is gold, but I've highlighted the best bits. 

 

Be you. Because even if you are a guy who's movements may seem a little weird, well heck, don't you want a girl who's not put off by that!? That may not be this girl, but you will just have to wait and see how it goes, have fun and if the sparks don't fly then maybe you just made a new friend instead. 

 

Confidence and being self assured are among the sexiest traits anyone can posses. Cockiness however is a total turn off.  Own your quirkiness, don't try to hide it. 

 

What I find sexy is when someone has the confidence to be themselves and will go against peer pressure. The guy who doesn't need to prove himself and can stand on his own. That's sexy!

 

I cannot explain how much this applies! There's a fine line here though... Knowing that someone finds you attractive is very sexy and empowering, but being hit on is a giant turn off.

 

There's nothing worse that being stuck with someone who's looking to get into your pants, and you can't leave yet because that would be rude! Errr...What!!!!

(It's ok, I know this isn't what you would be doing, but there are guys who do! And believe me, most women hate it.)

 

I alway think a potential relationship should start as a friendship. (I mean, and let's be honest here guys, how many of your female friends do you fancy on some level anyway? Right?)

 

Smile, laugh, relax. Enjoy her company. Be yourself. Those are what's important and all the other advice basically boils down to those three sentences. (Plus "have fun!" )

 

This is pretty good advice. It will seriously help with the "be yourself" bit. You don't want to go in there and be staring at her tits and drooling. That would be bad. Very bad. And may end with her clocking you on the side of your head with her pocketbook and storming off. Just saying.  

She might clock me upside the head anyways. XD 

Honestly, I've got a very long history of gals literally hitting me [playfully] (and me not realizing that, sometimes, hitting is a sign of flirting).

Yeah... there's not much of a chance of me hitting on her until two drinks in, let alone being obvious about wanting to get in her pants.

I shall try to enjoy myself... <sarcasm>and I'll try not to stare at her tits. It'll be hard, since they are probably glorious, but I'll try my best. </sarcasm>

[The Ox King]

1 hour ago, RandMart said:

 

Which brings up back to Rule 22

 

Actually, many Zombieland Rules could ALSO apply to first dates [or dating in general]

http://www.zombielandrules.com/

 

3. Beware of Bathrooms

5. No attachments

7. Travel light

14, Always carry a change of underwear

16. Opportunity knocks

 

... and so on

Why beware of bathrooms?

[Igaduma]

7 hours ago, neomattlac said:

Got it. So, "don't try too hard to not come across as creepy, or else you'll come across as creepy."

in a way, yes

 

if you force yourself to be to different...  people pick up on that.  You might do everything right, it will look and feel fake.  That's creepy.  Why is he acting like that?  Who is he really?...

[The Ox King]

13 hours ago, Igaduma said:

in a way, yes

 

if you force yourself to be to different...  people pick up on that.  You might do everything right, it will look and feel fake.  That's creepy.  Why is he acting like that?  Who is he really?...

"Is he Batman? Wait. He's too fat to be Batman. Ron Jeremy is fat, Dammit, now I'm gonna have to find out and there's only one way."

Sorry, my mind goes to odd places.

[The Ox King]

19 hours ago, RandMart said:

 

My BiL/D'Wife's brother had his own rules

 

One of which was "When two girls go to bathroom, expect an attitude change"

 

In a One-on-One situation, she's not going to the Ladies with her friend [who may or may not be having a good time of her own] so you're probably OK

 

unless she's slipping away to text her lifeline, in which case you may be doing really well, or she's looking for "text me in 5 minutes with an excuse"

 

I vote awesome, and she's saying "this is great; no back-up required; thx,luv ya"

Hm. I've never heard that before. Then again, I'm oblivious to these things unless, like you just did, people flat out tell me.

[Guzzi]

I'd just like to point out that there are girls out there who are like me. I go to the bathroom to pee. That's it. And the nerdier the community the more girls like me there are, and this girl plays Skyrim, right? 

 

I'm just saying to leave any preconceptions at home and take her at face value. I find it exhausting to have to try and work out what people really mean. I say what I mean and I mean what what I say. She might be the same, you never know.  

[mitch_dee]

 

On 7/2/2016 at 4:21 PM, Guzzi said:

I'm just saying to leave any preconceptions at home and take her at face value. I find it exhausting to have to try and work out what people really mean. I say what I mean and I mean what what I say. She might be the same, you never know.

Guzzi is wise, trust the Guzzi, believe in the Guzzi!

[The Ox King]

On 7/2/2016 at 5:21 PM, Guzzi said:

I'd just like to point out that there are girls out there who are like me. I go to the bathroom to pee. That's it. And the nerdier the community the more girls like me there are, and this girl plays Skyrim, right? 

 

I'm just saying to leave any preconceptions at home and take her at face value. I find it exhausting to have to try and work out what people really mean. I say what I mean and I mean what what I say. She might be the same, you never know.  

I'm just gonna play it cool. 

[The Ox King]

On ‎7‎/‎2‎/‎2016 at 5:21 PM, Guzzi said:

  

Just a follow-up. I went to the coffee shop, and texted her. Turns out that, since I hadn't talked to her since setting up the date, she thought I had lost interest and cancelled. Then we set up another date for this Monday for Thai food (turns out she doesn't eat meat), and she cancels right before. Said she had to help a friend with something. Well, unfortunately, that was my last free day for the next month, as I'm about to get busy with my schoolwork, career, and working out. And I told her this, as well as that I was still interested in dating her, but it'll have to wait. If I remember, I think I'll text her after my semester ends and see if we can get together. Bummer.