Eating Disorders, Health Crisis and Work Load - what to do next?

[laodamaren]

Im so done. SO.FUCKING.DONE.

with myself, as is very common in The Respawn point, I presume.

Some detail:

Hormonally completely out of balance, haven't had my period for 6+ months (btw: I am 19 years old)
I am currently pursuing a degree in Biochemical Engineering but cannot get my concentration there and failing my subjects.

I am earning money on the side to finance student housing and tuition but risk getting fired because I constantly have a headache and can't get work done.
I stopped doing sports 2 months ago and have been saying to get back to it ever since
Even though I lost quite some weight during the holidays and don't look/am not overweight, I feel the most sluggish, fat and yucky in a loooong time.
I have big digestive issues with gluten, dairy, fructose, peanuts and soy, yet I haven't been able to resist any of them lately and the physical results are more than clear.

Yet I bring a nice healthy lunch to university every day and people see me as the super healthy example in life.

What the actual fuck? Who do I think I am kidding?

I know my weaknesses, I know exactly where my problem lies. I have received every opportunity to do something about it, but I haven't taken it. And I don't know why.

It is time for me to change, not change what I do, but change what I am and what I think. All these different factors contribute to one thing and that is creating a mess in my head. Consequentially, that messes with my social life (I don't go out during evenings anymore), my school results (I sometimes have to skip entire days because I feel so sick) and my mental well-being.
I have tried numerous things before, whether it is Whole30, AIP, Paleo Restart etc (but always within the 'paleo template') but I think that triggers my obsessive behaviour. 
I used to commit to Yoga Practice every single day. Now I haven't touched my mat in 2 weeks, for no apparent reason (again). There is something deeper than just 'food' or 'busy life' that triggers this. It is pain from the past that has never been processed correctly and manifests itself through behaviour like this. I have therefore subscribed myself to a mindfulness practice, aimed at providing me with ease of mind ultimately resulting in mindful eating, balanced and committed to a long-term goal (rather than short-term satisfaction).

I've got such a long way to go, but I know that if I don't start committing to it my life might just fall apart in other areas. This is not who I am nor who I aspire to be. Time has come to change myself for real. To allow myself a future in which I can be a person I can be proud of.
Enjoy your weekend guys :-) 

 

[Stellakin]

Hey there. I'm relatively new here and sorry to hear about this! I know it doesn't really help that much when people say "I knew what you're going through", but hey, I know what you're going through, aha! I'm 18 and my period and hormones have been out of balance for a few months too, as well as feeling faint and feeling the same worries about being fired from work for being so faint all the time lately. And atop that, I used to do yoga every day and whilst some days I am too sick to do so, some days I just can't summon the will to for seemingly no reason. And to top it off, I feel that a lot of my anxieties, worries and 'bumps in the road' manifests from some difficulties in the past that I haven't altogether processed. Looks as though we have quite a lot in common!

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is you have a shield-sister over here, haha!

 

Anywho, being able to really scan over having stopped doing things that are good for you, ie. yoga, is step one. Getting it off of your chest is step two. I suppose all that's left is a game plan; I like to call it my "war strategy"  I've had a few similar fails-and-respawns in the past, especially as of late, but something else that I imagine we both have in common is the fact that every single time that's happened, we get back up and make it forwards. It can be frustrating to feel yourself nosedive when you've been making progress, but you'll get back up and make a few steps and whilst progress might not come in one great big straightforward stride, it might just have to come in jagged back-and-forth steps along the way.

 

Best of luck! I know you've totally got this down.

(Oh, and big hugs!)

Stella ♥