Question for the parents with more than one child...

[babycakes1970]

Hubby and I have four kids. All our his and mine. No exes or steps here. No. 1 was one year and eight months old when her brother was born. He was three when our seventeen year old was born and she was two when our fifteen year old was born.

Going from one to two kids was hard work. I would be trying to nurse the baby and my toddler would be off doing god knows what. My husband worked long hours then and trying to manage two very small kids by myself was hard. Going from two to three was fairly easy since the other kids were a bot older and my eldest was starting school. Going from three to four kids was pretty easy at first. She started out life as a very contented baby but she was the one my husband nicknamed Demon Child. She was diagnosed at age four with severe autism. This kid put us through hell for the first ten years of raising her.

[Pat G]

I went from 0 to 2 kids... so.... i don't i'm afraid i can't relate to you at all. AT ALL.

However, it means you'll need to buy 2 differen't types of nappies etc etc blah blah blah.. deal with potentially 2 screaming pooey time bombs instead of only 1.

You'll be fine. If you've got 1 child under control, a second wont be that bad.

Get your routine in early though....just like you would have with the first

[scotticus]

Holy crap! Some of you guys have definitely earned your parenting merit badges. My mind and reproductive system shut down as soon as the numbers reflect more kids than parents.

[Bean]

Two boys - now 8 and 10. Going from 1 to 2 was a huge adjustment. I still remember the day my wife was having number two and I suddenly realised that I needed someone to look after number 1 in order to go to the hospital to see the birth of number 2! Logistics becomes increasingly interest and, as has been mentioned, you can virtually guarantee that number 2 will have a totally different personality.

With a family of 4, you can get pretty good family vacation deals - but remember that when you fly, you need the middle section since the window seats only have three seats in a row :-) Made that mistake once...

Pat G is absolutely right - the routine is critical, much more so than with only 1 child. The eldest will thank you for the routine since they know what to expect when; and you and your good lady will be more relaxed knowing the routine.

Enjoy every second - pooh nappies and all - before you know it they are arguing back!

[BarefootDawsy]

There's some great stuff in this thread...I wish I'd seen it before we had our second! I especially love LRB's comment "As for the degree of change? I say, about our family, that Daughter the Elder made us parents, Daughter the Younger made us a family." It's so true!

We have 2 sones 22 months apart (3 and 1 at the moment). The past year has been hands down the toughest year of my life. We spent most of it in a 57 square metre 2br apartment...don't do this if you can avoid it! Basically it's made getting #2 into a good sleeping routine nearly impossible as he's never had his own room. Now with a bit more space we're still struggling.

It's very true about the personalities thing too..#1 is mild-mannered, shy and sensitive, #2 is stubborn as hell, fearless and jovial. You really have to make an effort to treat them both in ways that work for them as individuals. This will make life a lot easier.

As for taking 2 kids to the shops? All depends on the kids and how you handle them. I'm always down the supermarket with both kids...the younger gets strapped into the stroller, and the older brings his toy shopping basket and 'helps daddy'. Works like a charm. Don't ask me what I'm going to do when #2 starts walking though!

Finally, congratulations! Having a second will change your life as much as having your first did. Get in there and ring as much enjoyment as you can out of it!

[LRB]

LRB, love the man-to-man vs zone defense analogy here...we definitely run ZONE coverage in our house...girls or boys, bigs or littles!

Honestly, it factored into our conversations about whether to have a third child . . . (well, that and we only have two bedrooms, and we felt complete and so on and so forth). But yep, it's an analogy we use all the time. And, as Jaradel said, it gets easier as they get older (9 & 11 now).

[scotticus]

It's very true about the personalities thing too..#1 is mild-mannered, shy and sensitive, #2 is stubborn as hell, fearless and jovial. You really have to make an effort to treat them both in ways that work for them as individuals. This will make life a lot easier.

Your second sounds like our first - stubborn, hilarious, maybe a little hot-tempered, smart as whip, and curious beyond all reason. Interested to see how number two works out.

For what it's worth, our biggest priority as parents (aside from meeting essential needs of life, of course) is encouraging our kids to fully and genuinely express themselves as individuals, now and moving forward. It can be tough, especially when they're tendencies are in opposition with your own - this is totally the case with our first - but I think it's well worth it. I definitely grew up under circumstances where I had no choice but to be a round peg in a square hole, due to the philosophies of my parents and the mechanics of the school system, etc. To this day I still struggle with the person I pretend to be and the person that I really am (i.e. I'm sitting here killing time in a very respectable office job that does nothing for me, and under my grey and blue business shell there's about a hundred hours of vibrant, crazy tattoos...)

My hope is that I can save my children the self-repression and all that comes with it, and by so doing set them up for a fulfilling, happy, and well-fitting life.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy with life as it is - I just need to make some vocational changes

[AlohaSAV]

Holy crap! Some of you guys have definitely earned your parenting merit badges. My mind and reproductive system shut down as soon as the numbers reflect more kids than parents.

Yup, we never wanted to be outnumbered, so my hubby got snipped when our 2nd kid was 3 months old, LOL. Ours are 16 months apart, now ages 4 and 5.5. No real advice to spew since everyone else pretty much covered it. But having two kids is SO much fun.. I love it. Just count down the days to when they can entertain each other.. THEN it's the best.

[bgvanbur]

Congratulations on the second. I am also very impressed by all the wisdom already posted.

Holy crap! Some of you guys have definitely earned your parenting merit badges. My mind and reproductive system shut down as soon as the numbers reflect more kids than parents.

That is exactly how I feel! I always tell my wife I only have two hands, therefore I can only handle two kids.

I have two sons, 2.5 years apart and are now 3.5 and 6 years old. The second baby is much easier since you already know how to work together to raise one baby first. But since each child is different, you need to adjust your parenting technique to adapt to the second child's differences. As other people have noted, it is weird how two siblings can be so different (and also be very similar in some areas).

My kids are also opposite season kids and we still got a clothing reuse (fall and spring clothes are the same). And as they get older they stay a certain size longer making resuse even easier. So make winter/summer specific clothes new and unique for the child and get a lot of reuse out of the fall/spring clothes.

[knifeboots]

Two boys - now 8 and 10. Going from 1 to 2 was a huge adjustment. I still remember the day my wife was having number two and I suddenly realised that I needed someone to look after number 1 in order to go to the hospital to see the birth of number 2! Logistics becomes increasingly interest and, as has been mentioned, you can virtually guarantee that number 2 will have a totally different personality.

With a family of 4, you can get pretty good family vacation deals - but remember that when you fly, you need the middle section since the window seats only have three seats in a row :-) Made that mistake once...

Pat G is absolutely right - the routine is critical, much more so than with only 1 child. The eldest will thank you for the routine since they know what to expect when; and you and your good lady will be more relaxed knowing the routine.

Enjoy every second - pooh nappies and all - before you know it they are arguing back!

We were calling my sister, at 12:30am on the way to the hospital, to ask her to meet us there and pick up #1. My husband darn near didn't make it to the delivery room in time for #2 to be born because he had to wait with a sleepy and confused #1 until my sister got there (along with her son, who is six months older than my oldest, and was just as confused). Definitely make sure you have a game plan for someone watching #1 - and make sure it covers every eventuality, e.g. middle of the night, during the school day, dinner time, whatever. Some people who can help you out at one time of the day may not be available at another.

Yup, we never wanted to be outnumbered, so my hubby got snipped when our 2nd kid was 3 months old, LOL. Ours are 16 months apart, now ages 4 and 5.5. No real advice to spew since everyone else pretty much covered it. But having two kids is SO much fun.. I love it. Just count down the days to when they can entertain each other.. THEN it's the best.

It felt like forever until #2 was old enough to play with #1 without direct parental supervision, i.e. the two boys can go downstairs on a Saturday morning and play while Mommy and Daddy get a couple extra minutes to sleep, but now I can barely remember when that wasn't the case (and it really hasn't been that long - less than a year I think). Obviously I can't leave them on their own too long or they start scavenging for breakfast (and making a mess in the process), but it's nice to not have to get up at the crack of effing dawn with the little one anymore.

[scotticus]

It felt like forever until #2 was old enough to play with #1 without direct parental supervision, i.e. the two boys can go downstairs on a Saturday morning and play while Mommy and Daddy get a couple extra minutes to sleep, but now I can barely remember when that wasn't the case (and it really hasn't been that long - less than a year I think). Obviously I can't leave them on their own too long or they start scavenging for breakfast (and making a mess in the process), but it's nice to not have to get up at the crack of effing dawn with the little one anymore.

I have to admit, I kind of like the whole crack of dawn routine. I've never been a morning person, and my ability to get to bed at a decent hour is non-existent, but I really like brewing the coffee while I feed and water the beastie. She's always so happy and excited for each new day, it's hard not to love that time in the am.

[Kim]

My two are 21 months apart. When my youngest was 4 months old my husband deployed. NOT easy but I did learn one life-saver trick for when I had to deal directly with the baby (like nap time). Have a few toys for the oldest that only come out during those times. They don't get played with at any other time so they stay special.

[dshale]

I have a three year old and a five year old. I'll have to say that the initial months was easier because I had went through most of it. The problem I ran into was letting my oldest have stuff and not having the youngest swallow it. Unfortunately the first one is not a step by step guide to the second one. They come with their own challenges and a different set of circumstances. No matter how much child proofing you did the second one will find something you didn't think of. No matter how much you recall about the first one the second will develop different. No matter what worked with the first one the second might not respond the same way. The good news is that yours will be close in age and should play well together. The oldest probably will not be jealous because of their age. My five year old actually asked my wife if she would have another baby. My sons are good together and seem to be getting better by the day.

[KillerGriller]

Wow, I wish I had seen this post earlier, lots of great advice in here...anyway CONGRATS!

Here's my $0.02

For me going from 1 kid to 2 wasn't doubling the effort, it was exponential. i.e. - 1x1 = 1, 2^2 = 4. This wasn't necessarily a bad thing but it definitely eats up what I considered to be "me" time. Quick note: as the kids get older it gets MUCH easier, but as for the first few years it's going to be "busy". I like having a task list and a plan where I can look back and say "this is what I did today", but when #2 came along a lot of my time I used to get things done all of a sudden evaporated. It took me a while to figure out how to involve #1 in my day-to-day tasks especially because he was reluctant to help, he much preferred to cling to mommy. I eventually figured out that some tasks I could try to engage him in, and others simply needed to be dictated e.g. - "We're going grocery shopping while mommy and the baby sleep" instead of "hey buddy, what to come to the store with daddy?"

Another time sink I wasn't expecting was how much time my wife would need pre/post birth for herself as well as #2. She slept quite a bit during the months leading up to the delivery which she didn't do with #1, that left me to single parent a lot for almost a year (6 months before, 6 months after delivery). I didn't mind it, I knew she needed the time, but #1 is a momma's boy and it didn't sit to well with him for a while. I often found myself cooking/feeding/putting kiddo to bed/cleaning up until 9:30 each night which meant my former days of hitting the climbing gym etc. took a back seat...this is when I started running. i had no other outlet I could do at that time of night besides watch crappy TV.

Once things settled down, one thing that's really helped is splitting the week nights into yours/mine. On my wife's nights, she still put the baby to sleep, but afterward she'd go climbing, out with friends, or simply watch TV, whatever she decided to do was hers to decide. Similarly, on my night's I was free to do what I wanted to run, climb, night school etc. and she would put the kids to bed. This isn't to say that we don't help each other when we can, but it's amazing how much stress you can deal with when you know "tomorrow's my night to blow off some steam". It takes a lot of trust on both sides, but friends of our have tried it and had similar results.

Again, things get easier as they older, and routines really help!

Good luck man, it'll be a lot of fun

[LRB]

one thing that's really helped is splitting the week nights into yours/mine.

We have also found this to be true -- I make daycare pickup and am in charge of dinner, bath, homework, flute practice, etc. on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday (unless I have a work-related conflict, in which case my husband steps in); and he does those same things on Tuesday and Friday. Even if the one of us who is not "in charge" is around and available, the major decisions of the evening are still up to the person whose night it is. The kids don't play us against each other as much, and it lets one of us work late or go out or whatever without having to feel like we're leaving the other one in the lurch.

[jaxjaxjax]

I have three, 11,8 and 4. The two oldest are boys. Just get ready to say all the things you have never imagined. "Stop peeing on your brother." "Don't cross the streams." "NO we don't cut our brothers hair." "no you can't feed the baby like mom", "Get off, Get off, Get off, he can't breathe, get off." and my favorite "pee fountains are NOT ALLOWED IN THE TUB" ... Ahhh making memories to last a lifetime. Just remember to laugh, because sometimes that is all you have. The hair will grow back, the tub can be cleaned.

[YoDoc]

I've got two boys. 3 years and 9 months. The opposite season thing is true about the clothes, unless, like my second son, #2 is just enough bigger to fit them! Lol!

That booger is a full 4lbs heavier than #1was at that age, so we've done okay by clothes.

COMPLETELY opposite tempers.

You will learn to referee.

You will get good at picking your battles.

They WILL both poop at exactly the same moment, while only one of you is available, at least once.

They grow up quick. This is both awesome, and not.

[mahchoo]

I don't know what else I can add to this thread aside from congrats, good luck, have fun, and get ready.

For us, No. 1 is approximately 3 years and 11 days older than No. 2 (No. 1 just turned 5 on Monday, No. 2 turns 2 on June 1).

Parenting, for us, has been really about balancing the fact that No. 1 can't get lost in the shuffle of making sure No. 2 is being cared for (feeding, changing, sleeping, etc.). We really do have to try to make sure we make time just for him, make activities just for him.

The funnest thing is that our oldest really takes an active part in trying to teach the youngest. He'll sound out words, slowly go through sentences, and involve him in his own little activities at home to help him learn. It's fun to watch and hear. Now, the challenging part comes when No. 1 wants to play on his own with his toys, or with us and not along with the youngest, and that's when the screaming and arguing come into play. And of course, you can't reason with them (that's been the hardest part of parenting for me - things that are obvious to me aren't to a toddler, and reasoning and logic don't get me very far).

[Doris The Funkasaurus]

Well said. Kroger is the portal to hell anyway...trying to manage that one with a baby and a toddler will put hair on your chest. Now I sneak out and go at like 730 on a Saturday morning, with my headphones on. No one's there yet, the kids are home with dad, and I get an hour to myself.

We had a high-maintenance little girl first, she was hard to get to sleep and STAY asleep, and she was a puker... She was 2 1/2 when little brother came along, and he's always been awesome. Laid back, loves to lay in his bed whether he's awake or sleeping. They're 6 and 4 now, and have grown into great friends for each other. For us, it was much easier the second time around: No C-section and subsequent complications, we already knew what was up with feeding/changing/knowing that it's cool if they cry sometimes... there are still adjustments, but they were way less scary the second time around. And I am still constantly amazed and how different the kids are. You can't make your kids what they're not. They both have their own personalities, humor, interests, and it's fascinating to see them evolve- and evolve together. Knowing how tight I am with my own big brother, I'm so glad my kids have each other and I hope they continue to be such good friends.

Good luck and congratulations!!! So long as that new little one and your wife are both healthy, all's good. You'll figure it out one day at a time. Keep your sense of humor.

[wildross]

Good luck and congratulations!!! So long as that new little one and your wife are both healthy, all's good. You'll figure it out one day at a time. Keep your sense of humor.

^this And the part about hair growing and things getting cleaned. Accidents happen. Learn what to laugh at and what to frown at. They catch on quick.

[Nachnivsesnachalo.ru]

Просто поздравляю и счастья!: Topsy_turvy:

[Irishrages]

Great advice so far - and ditto on the congrats!

We have two, and while it was hard to get used to the idea of sharing your love with TWO kids, it is great.

One tip that a relative (and parent of 5 boys) gave us about making sure #1 doesn't come to resent the new arrival: the first time you bring him/her to see the new sister/brother, DO NOT have the little nugget in mom's arms. If possible, time it so that the baby is in the bassinet or crib, let #1 check him/her out, and then bring both of them over to mom & dad. It's a little thing, but it helps avoid the whole "is that my replacement?" situation.

Just my two cents, and it won't make or break the fun times you will have!

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[WarriorAmy]

I missed this thread originally, but by my calculations you should still be expecting, so here's my two cents (for which I'll paypal you the bill, okay? ).

Our second child has bought a lot of joy to my life. Pregnant with a toddler (we've got about a 2.4 year gap between our two boys), I was terrified. I could barely cope with being pregnant & looking after the older one, the idea of having a baby really freaked me out. Turns out that being pregnant is harder than having a newborn- for starters, the newborn can be put down and you are not lugging around an extra 15kgs everywhere! For me, the arrival of our second child has really turned us into a 'family'. Not saying that single children families are not real, just that I was kind of a stressed crap mother until number 2 came along, and then I hit my groove. I find caring for two kids easier than one- it's like I'm constantly in 'mother mode' , rather than when I had one and almost had a heap of free time. Does this make sense?

Oh, there will be tough times. In the beginning, mornings were tough. My kids had this uncanny ability to wake at exactly the same time, regardless of if they could hear each other or not. So I've got two kids screaming for breakfast and only one pair of hands (for the record, I always fed the toddler first, because he was louder and more annoying). All little things will happen that you don't expect and haven't planned for, but you'll take it in your stride, because unlike the first time, you've got this arsenal of awesome parenting experience ready to combat their every move.

Good luck!

[Osanji]

We have 2. Our oldest was exactly 18 months old the exact day our 2nd was born, so she was still a bit of a baby at the time and could not be a “Mommy’s Helper.” But, I do remember that no matter how much advice I received, or any book I read, nothing actually prepared me for the real thing. I either forgot, or did not have time to remember, the advice I was given. Basically, you just have to feel the situation out and do what works for your family. Give your partner lots of emotional support and always let them know you are there and ready to help, and on occasion simply take charge so they can have a mental break.

Ours are now 5 and 3.5, and we still do not have a lot figured out. The older one was very snuggly and clingy, and when younger was born.. that slowly faded out without any problems. She still always sits on my lap and snuggles, but she has learned to be more self sufficient at bedtimes and such.

How far apart are the ages of your little one and your soon to be little one?