What women love about men.

[Elder]

  Yes we do, and yes they should!!

[ModernSpartacus]

I'm not actually interested in men sexually but I love it when I have guy friends who are musicians.

[SuperUnison]

we are so full of awesome wisdom- thank god for smart reasonable women.

 

men- take notes- these chicks have it down pat.

 

I wish I'd seen this thread when I was about 17! Would have made things a lot easier in those days.

[I-Jo]

lol yeah- well dating these days- crazy... I'm staring down the barrel of being single again and facing the dating world.  It's just not the same as it once was. 

[Irish Oisin]

Honestly man, try to meet her face to face. If she puts it off or keeps giving excuses, then forget about her!

 

Sorry to hear that I-Jo, but you seem very outgoing and sure of yourself so you'll be graaaaaaaand!

[humanperson832]

lol yeah- well dating these days- crazy... I'm staring down the barrel of being single again and facing the dating world.  It's just not the same as it once was. 

 

It's always crazy. But, being alone with infinite possibilities for happiness is way better than staying in a dead-end, miserable relationship that you know will be there at the end of the day. I can say that from experience.

[Elder]

Agreed!  I would rather be happy and alone, than miserable in a relationship.  It sucks having to go through relationships that just don't work.  I am finding as I get older and more confident in myself it gets easier to look for what I want in a relationship instead of what everyone else wants for me in a relationship.  It drives me nuts seeing people stay in relationships when they are unhappy and could do so much better for themselves.  

[I-Jo]

Yeah- I'm not sure.  I'm seriously waffling- I'm not miserable.  He's actually really good to me- if I have to do this... it will be the SECOND time I broke up with someone who was great- just not the right "great" for me. I will have known him for 3 years this June.  It's causing me some anxiety for sure. 

 

I don't know. I'll be devastated to know I broke his heart- but I don't know if he's the guy I want to be with for forever. But I don't want to sidebar the whole thread. LOL- I'm in preliminary deliberations as it were.  

[Elder]

I like a man who understands that some people aren't meant to be together.  I don't think there are many guys out there that would say, "Ok I think your the one for me, but you know I am not the one for you, so let's part as friends because I want my perfect match to actually love me for me, not love me because they feel sorry for me."

 

I like it when a guy is confident enough to fight for the love he deserves and not settle for a half ass love.

[KingZora]

I like a man who understands that some people aren't meant to be together.  I don't think there are many guys out there that would say, "Ok I think your the one for me, but you know I am not the one for you, so let's part as friends because I want my perfect match to actually love me for me, not love me because they feel sorry for me."

 

I like it when a guy is confident enough to fight for the love he deserves and not settle for a half ass love.

That first part is the most miserable thing in the world to do... that's how my last relationship ended, and I haven't bothered trying to find anything serious for the last year.  I am quite enjoying being single, plus, I am young enough that being single is amazing.

[humanperson832]

Yeah- I'm not sure.  I'm seriously waffling- I'm not miserable.  He's actually really good to me- if I have to do this... it will be the SECOND time I broke up with someone who was great- just not the right "great" for me. I will have known him for 3 years this June.  It's causing me some anxiety for sure. 

 

I don't know. I'll be devastated to know I broke his heart- but I don't know if he's the guy I want to be with for forever. But I don't want to sidebar the whole thread. LOL- I'm in preliminary deliberations as it were.  

 

There's no shame in realizing that someone isn't right for you in the long haul. There's actually a huge amount of maturity and sophistication in it. Because, trust me, if you try and convince yourself that you maybe, probably, might could be happy with this person when you know deep down that you can't, you just end up making yourself miserable. (People pleasing has a funny way of making everyone but yourself happy.) I've been where you are, and here's the thing: the time you spend being in this relationship that you're lukewarm about is time that you both could be spending being with someone you're 100% sure makes you ecstatic to be alive. It always sucks when a relationship ends, for both parties, but I think you know in your heart what the right decision is.

[AlterStephen]

Thanks for the texting advice, everyone. She's assured me that I don't text her too much (and she seemed a little surprised to hear me ask her if I was) and that she's just very busy most days. It was probably all in my head. Still, I've cut back on texting her a bit. Since the last time I posted in this thread we've gone on another date (during which I had her help me pick out flowers for my mom for Mothers Day, which she really seemed to enjoy doing), and we're going to go hiking tomorrow. Hopefully this goes somewhere. 

[I-Jo]

YAY- that sounds good.

[far_away]

Not accusing anyone of anything. I just wonder whether the general problem to relationships is that:

 

People are entering into relationships and valuing them based on what the other party can offer them (e.g. The person I am dating must be able to make me happy, support my lifestyle, be of equal standing in society, be rich, be handsome/beautiful, etc.)

 

As opposed to:

 

People trying  to enter into relationships and value them based on whether the other person is someone whom we are willing to love and sacrifice for (since the purest form of love is arguably selfless love). 

 

Physical attraction and shared interests are obviously necessary since those are the things that make people interested in their other half in the first place. But only at the beginning of a relationship. Beauty and interests fade; conversations run out of topics; shared experiences eventually dim; physically intimacy loses its initial sensation/passion and the dullness of taking the other's presence for granted sets in. Eventually we might not even be able to remember the name and memories of our loved one or hold his/her hand.

 

I doubt that a relationship based on what the other party can offer would last in above circumstances. By adopting that mentality, the relationship devolves into one where we love what the other has to offer and not the other. When the things desired from the other are no longer given or no longer satisfy, our "love" and relationship ends. Of course there are other external factors which cause relationships to become "complicated" and cause breakups but their effect on the relationship depends on the foundation of the relationship itself.

 

On the other hand, a relationship based on the second option would last since we have decided to love the other for the person himself/herself rather than for what they can offer us. Such a love does not make us immune to pain and suffering caused by the failings of the other, but it allows us to (eventually) see past those failings and realise that our love is for the other and not for what the other gives us.

 

 

Disclaimer: Abusive relationships are always a no no. A person who regularly/routinely hurts, threatens to hurt or makes the other feel unsafe is not in a fit state of mind/heart/soul to be in a relationship.

[AlterStephen]

(since the purest form of love is arguably selfless love)

What other kind of love is there?

[far_away]

What other kind of love is there?

 

Self interested / self-centred love is one type of alternative ^^ as opposed to selfless love where we will the good of the other as other. A quote from another might be more helpful than me making a flawed explanation from scratch off the cuff. (EDIT: Quote is from a priest, Fr Barron I think)

 

 

What is Love?  Love, as I’ve said very often, is not a feeling or a sentiment.  Not a private subjective conviction.  Love is willing the good of the other.  As other, meaning, love gets you out of this, sort of, black hole of your own subjectivity, your own egocentrism.  If I’m kind to you that you might be kind to me, that isn’t love.  That’s just indirect egotism.  Or if I say, I’ll be just to you that you’ll be just to me in return, that isn’t love.   That’s just a clever way to be self interested.

What’s love?  See, love is a very peculiar thing. . . It means I’ve broken free of that self reference.  I want your good for you. Period.  No strings attached.  No reciprocation required.

[AlterStephen]

I guess. But I've always seen "love" as wanting the best for other people. I find "selfless love" to be redundant.

[humanperson832]

What other kind of love is there?

 

You'd be surprised at the number of emotions people confuse with love.

[I-Jo]

^^^

 

troof

[AlterStephen]

You'd be surprised at the number of emotions people confuse with love.

I agree. I'm not just talking about romantic love, though. I mean, like, "I got your back" love. Simply being generous, being charitable, having someone's back, is what I think of when I think of the word "love," and that can happen between friends, siblings, and even random strangers on the street.

[I-Jo]

being kind- and civilized isn't love.

 

It's being kind and civilized and gracious.

[Wolfhorde]

Not accusing anyone of anything. I just wonder whether the general problem to relationships is that:

 

People are entering into relationships and valuing them based on what the other party can offer them (e.g. The person I am dating must be able to make me happy, support my lifestyle, be of equal standing in society, be rich, be handsome/beautiful, etc.)

 

As opposed to:

 

People trying  to enter into relationships and value them based on whether the other person is someone whom we are willing to love and sacrifice for (since the purest form of love is arguably selfless love). 

 

Physical attraction and shared interests are obviously necessary since those are the things that make people interested in their other half in the first place. But only at the beginning of a relationship. Beauty and interests fade; conversations run out of topics; shared experiences eventually dim; physically intimacy loses its initial sensation/passion and the dullness of taking the other's presence for granted sets in. Eventually we might not even be able to remember the name and memories of our loved one or hold his/her hand.

 

I doubt that a relationship based on what the other party can offer would last in above circumstances. By adopting that mentality, the relationship devolves into one where we love what the other has to offer and not the other. When the things desired from the other are no longer given or no longer satisfy, our "love" and relationship ends. Of course there are other external factors which cause relationships to become "complicated" and cause breakups but their effect on the relationship depends on the foundation of the relationship itself.

 

On the other hand, a relationship based on the second option would last since we have decided to love the other for the person himself/herself rather than for what they can offer us. Such a love does not make us immune to pain and suffering caused by the failings of the other, but it allows us to (eventually) see past those failings and realise that our love is for the other and not for what the other gives us.

 

 

Disclaimer: Abusive relationships are always a no no. A person who regularly/routinely hurts, threatens to hurt or makes the other feel unsafe is not in a fit state of mind/heart/soul to be in a relationship.

 

I don't think it's that "easy" to be honest, I think it's a lot more dependant on who is involved in that relationship than on what exactly is happening. I remember the lawyer where I did an internship and I knew that man quite a bit as he was the father of a pal of mine and he was frequently 'fighting' with his wife and I remember him telling me that they both did this just to vent, knowing there is not much more to it - whereas for other people that could be a red flag. Let alone that with all the confusion and variety regarding sexuality and gender identity in general trying to categorize the the cognitive, emotional and perceptive spectrum of humans into an "either/or" situation. Couldn't there also be a relationship that isn't based on a long term goal - one that both parties enter with the knowledge it will end in the foreseeable future for whatever reason but they still enjoy it for the time being?

I mean patterns and correlations and stuff but broad, general causal relationships? Idk about that.

 

I agree. I'm not just talking about romantic love, though. I mean, like, "I got your back" love. Simply being generous, being charitable, having someone's back, is what I think of when I think of the word "love," and that can happen between friends, siblings, and even random strangers on the street.

 

 

being kind- and civilized isn't love.

 

It's being kind and civilized and gracious.

I don't think he was talking about being civil/civilized, Idk about you but being civilized doesn't even imply respect for someone else - just not being rude to their face regardless of one's own feelings, behaving according to social conduct/laws and being 'well mannered' (whatever that may entail). And when talking about "love" with it's connotation yeah and while I agree that "love" might be a bit of a strong word used towards strangers I don't see why he can't define it that way for himself - whatever floats people's boats. And the other things he mentioned.. Idk, who can quantify the relationship with a friend, family member, relative, maybe even animal or something akin? Or actually meeting someone for like the first or second time but still feeling incredibly connected? (some call it "soul mates", others call it "charisma", some call it "horseshit") I guess what I'm trying to say is: different words, same meaning.

[Wolfhorde]

Edit: Wtf double post - is there no delete option or am I just blind?

[I-Jo]

nope... no post deleting.  Least you can edit  yours.  My computer sometimes locks up at work- and it won't even let me edit my double post- soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo annoying.

[humanperson832]

I think what far_away was getting at is that there's different kinds of love. I think the Greeks had four types, to differentiate between familial love, romantic love, etc. That's all. (Right?)