What women love about men.

[Wolfhorde]

I don't know, but the post made the impression to me like it was about romantic relationships and the cause for the downfall of those. The second post went further down that "either/or" road with a heavy emphasis on clear lines and while that is most certainly a valid perspective for a more general approach it just didn't sit well with me. I highly doubt that radical ends of the spectrum make up the general tendency.

 

But given that misinterpretations/misunderstandings aren't uncommon on the web I will gladly stand to be corrected.

[AlterStephen]

Okay, so that girl I mentioned a few pages back in this thread... that's no longer happening. She said and even acted like she likes me for an entire month (holding hands, etc.) and I still like her, and we had a great date at the zoo on Thursday, but she recently made it known that she doesn't want to be my girlfriend because she's going to leave to serve as a Mormon missionary close to the end of the year (and she wants to focus on that instead of a relationship, and as a Mormon myself, I totally understand that). But she's been hanging out with her ex-boyfriend (who is leaving to serve his own mission this week) a lot, and has canceled on me at least once to hang out with him, and that of course caused some red flags to go up. I asked her if she still liked him, and she admitted that would marry him if the opportunity was given, and that's part of the reason why she said no to us dating. Needless to say, I broke it off with her, saying I wish her and this other guy the best of luck but that she and I being "just friends" (which is what she says she wants) won't work out, at least not right now. So I won't be seeing or talking to her again anytime soon. Yeah, it hurts a little, but I'll be fine. I've been through this kind of crap before.

 

Anyway, the reason I'm posting in this thread (other than to vent about that) is because there's this girl I'm friends with on Facebook that I had a major crush on in high school. I've never really talked to her, but I'd like to get to know her. Problem is, Facebook is the only way I can get a hold of her. I know it would be weird to tell her over Facebook that I had a huge crush on her back in school and that I'd like to take her on a date -- so are there any other options?

[Choronodon]

Anyway, the reason I'm posting in this thread (other than to vent about that) is because there's this girl I'm friends with on Facebook that I had a major crush on in high school. I've never really talked to her, but I'd like to get to know her. Problem is, Facebook is the only way I can get a hold of her. I know it would be weird to tell her over Facebook that I had a huge crush on her back in school and that I'd like to take her on a date -- so are there any other options?

 

I would skip the whole crush thing. Why not just suggest the two of you catch up over coffee or something?

[AlterStephen]

Yeah, I was thinking I'd just start a conversation with her next time I see she's online and, if things go well, end the conversation and ask for her number, saying I'd like to continue the discussion later. And then just see where things go from there.

[humanperson832]

Well, at least now you know for sure. That's better than all that uncertainty. Good luck to her. (They probably won't get married, if it makes you feel any better.)

 

I'd just try to have a low-stakes chit-chat with Facebook girl. Don't ask for her number after the first conversation unless it goes extraordinarily well. They say that it takes a) proximity, repeated, unplanned encounters, and c) a setting that encourages a safe space for vulnerability to form close bonds with people. You seem to have proximity down. You just need to make B and C happen.

 

Whatever happens, just make sure it seems effortless. Nothing scares people away faster than too-early eagerness.

[Guest CyborgNinja]

Human communication is linear and shallow. Any concept of love that can be fully described in human language sucks and isn't worth experiencing.

 

The truth is nonverbal and infinitely complex.

[FyreFlies]

^^ Goodness, where'd you fall out of? Excellent post. Thanks for that.

 

I also agree with Far_Away's post a few pages back about love and selflessness. Speaking for myself, I haven't really had much good experiences with "love" because people don't understand that concept of selflessness. Everyone I've ever loved either rejected me or died off. In fact, I myself, was stuck in the pursuit of selfish love for a very long time until just recently when I went through a, sort of, awakening. And well now, I'm finally in love with someone that I would give the world for. Does he feel the same way? I dunno, and it doesn't matter. It just is and that's enough for me.

 

Most of us have such a distorted view of love based off of movies, songs and porn videos - that we have no clue HOW to verbally communicate with each other. Girls are taught from a very young age not to trust dudes because they're always after "the one thing" or some other variation of that passed down from one bitter older woman to the next. Guys see a girl dressed nice with a beautiful body and all of sudden he's thinking she probably wants to get laid so they start behaving like monkeys - because well, that's what they're all doing in the commercials on t.v. and videos all over the net. Forget EVER reaching the nonverbal level of communication - we don't even know it exists. I'd like to say there's yet hope for love, but I can't. Maybe nobody can. I dunno.

I hope all that made sense. O_o

[I-Jo]

Most of us have such a distorted view of love based off of movies, songs and porn video

 

 

 

 

 

I can agree with part of this- but not all of it.  I seriosly do not believe anyone's view on love is based on porn videos.

 

LOL

 

 

 Girls are taught from a very young age not to trust dudes because they're always after "the one thing"

 

that's not being bitter- that's being smart- because I'd say a good bulk of the time it's accurate.  Men are extremely visually wired.  The visual is the first cue- the getting to know them comes after. LOL

[Timmy M]

i'll admit to the visually wired thing... mostly now that's about health and fitness more than anything instead of the OMG SOOOOO HOT thing that a lot of guys have got, but i will say the biggest turn off is someone who's 'bitchy', or some dumb bint who only cares about looking pretty and shopping FUCK THAT SHIT especially if they've got inch thick make-up that i do truly despise, gimme someone who's honest and nice any day, i learnt a long time ago that lying got me anywhere but forward so i just don't do it anymore, i expect the same in return

[Timmy M]

Human communication is linear and shallow. Any concept of love that can be fully described in human language sucks and isn't worth experiencing.

 

The truth is nonverbal and infinitely complex.

This... beyond belief, i have such a hard time explaining how i really feel about friends and family (i've read too many fantasy novels growing up so protecting family, friendship (got bullied a lot too so i know a true friend) and honour are big in my mind)

[FyreFlies]

When I talk about distorted views based on what society and media pushes on us - I mean it for those of us who are starting to notice the opposite gender. 12-13 yr old boys watch porn videos - some of those kids have never even spoken to a real girl. See how that can form a certain mind set about girls? Then they take that into new relationships and are shocked when girls think they're creepazoids. This can be applied to any aspect - I just used porn as one of them. It can go for Lil Wayne music videos that call girls bi**hes and h**s.

 

that's not being bitter- that's being smart- because I'd say a good bulk of the time it's accurate.

 

Uh huh. And that's what a majority of young girls (not that you fit that profile) believe. How is a 15-yr old girl supposed to get a good experience from dating when she's mortified of dudes and their intentions? It's not fair to the guys - because the genuinely nice guys get bulldozed with the rest of their kind. Thinking back, it would be horrible if I truly liked some guy and he pegged me as bi**h because of what some girl did to him. I'd like to be given a chance at least - without someone else's romantic mishaps shaping my experience.

[Waldo]

 

When I talk about distorted views based on what society and media pushes on us - I mean it for those of us who are starting to notice the opposite gender. 12-13 yr old boys watch porn videos - some of those kids have never even spoken to a real girl. See how that can form a certain mind set about girls? Then they take that into new relationships and are shocked when girls think they're creepazoids. This can be applied to any aspect - I just used porn as one of them. It can go for Lil Wayne music videos that call girls bi**hes and h**s.

 

Uh huh. And that's what a majority of young girls (not that you fit that profile) believe. How is a 15-yr old girl supposed to get a good experience from dating when she's mortified of dudes and their intentions? It's not fair to the guys - because the genuinely nice guys get bulldozed with the rest of their kind. Thinking back, it would be horrible if I truly liked some guy and he pegged me as bi**h because of what some girl did to him. I'd like to be given a chance at least - without someone else's romantic mishaps shaping my experience.

Nature gives teenage boys a mind that thinks about sex virtually nonstop around the clock. This is the side effect of testosterone. "Genuninely nice guys" either have a strong ability to surpress the signals their body is sending them (not always a good thing), or don't get them in the first place. The guys that are acting on them might be pigs or whatever, but they are just being boys/young men and being who they are. The media plays very little role in that.

The nice guys never get the girls. It isn't just a saying. Very rare is nice men that is also confident manly man. Han is nice men though.

[Damy]

First:

Gender is not important. I can't say "all men are this way" and "all women are that way" any more than I can say "all irishmen are this way (drunk?)". Generalizations don't hold up. They are good for jokes, and that's it. There are aggressive women and passive men, physical women and verbal men, carreer-orientated women and home-orientated men, and vice versa. Maybe most men differ from most woman in some statistical way, but we don't have relationships with "most men" or "most women". We have relationships with individuals.

 

Second:

Most people simply confuse love with possession. It's part of pop culture. "You're mine." My boyfriend, my wife, my child. My, my. We consider this perfectly reasonable. Why? Because all our concepts of love come from the so called "romantic love" - and romantic love is furiously and possessive. It's an emotional storm, a thrilling attraction, a deep lust, hardwired in our brains. Poeple are addicted to their needs.

Real Love? Real love isn't possessive. Real love isn't the same as need. It involves givig, not taking. The people who wonder, if they are feeling real love, never wonder if they are just sexually aroused or sad or... in need for something. Approval, support. Sex. Something, anything. Whenever you hear, that love can't last or love is destructive, you can be sure, that you are hearing a description of lust, or desire, or need. True love is something different, it's an emotion of deep caring that asks nothing (much - (we are all humans)) in return. You just want someone to be happy - your puppy, your child, your friend... your girl- or boyfriend. And if he or she feels the same, well, bingo, then you will grow together and become who you really are and not what someone expects you to be.

 

Third:

14 pages and no one said "what I love is a man with a good looking Fedora"? I'm dissapointed, girls. Really... really dissapointed

[I-Jo]

That's because a fedora is traditionally a women's hat... and therefore looks much better on them

 

the rest of it I can't comment on because well right now- yeah.  I'm not the best person to be speaking on that. 

[Damy]

That's because a fedora is traditionally a women's hat...

 

[KingZora]

The only men who look good in fedoras are the men who made fedoras the cool thing to wear... it's a vicious cycle.

[humanperson832]

I have to be blunt: I have a policy about not dating guys who wear funny hats. That includes fedoras (especially fedoras), newsboy caps, Indiana Jones hats, etc. I try not to make sweeping generalizations like that, but honestly, this policy has served me pretty well. I dated a string of guys, consecutively, all of whom wore funny hats. I changed what I was doing and got different results. Boom.

 

Baseball caps are fine. But most any other hats? Not so much.

[humanperson832]

First:

Gender is not important. I can't say "all men are this way" and "all women are that way" any more than I can say "all irishmen are this way (drunk?)". Generalizations don't hold up. They are good for jokes, and that's it. There are aggressive women and passive men, physical women and verbal men, carreer-orientated women and home-orientated men, and vice versa. Maybe most men differ from most woman in some statistical way, but we don't have relationships with "most men" or "most women". We have relationships with individuals.

 

Second:

Most people simply confuse love with possession. It's part of pop culture. "You're mine." My boyfriend, my wife, my child. My, my. We consider this perfectly reasonable. Why? Because all our concepts of love come from the so called "romantic love" - and romantic love is furiously and possessive. It's an emotional storm, a thrilling attraction, a deep lust, hardwired in our brains. Poeple are addicted to their needs.

Real Love? Real love isn't possessive. Real love isn't the same as need. It involves givig, not taking. The people who wonder, if they are feeling real love, never wonder if they are just sexually aroused or sad or... in need for something. Approval, support. Sex. Something, anything. Whenever you hear, that love can't last or love is destructive, you can be sure, that you are hearing a description of lust, or desire, or need. True love is something different, it's an emotion of deep caring that asks nothing (much - (we are all humans)) in return. You just want someone to be happy - your puppy, your child, your friend... your girl- or boyfriend. And if he or she feels the same, well, bingo, then you will grow together and become who you really are and not what someone expects you to be.

 

Third:

14 pages and no one said "what I love is a man with a good looking Fedora"? I'm dissapointed, girls. Really... really dissapointed

 

WORD. People don't do things because they are one sex or another. Gender is what people tell you you're supposed to be in coinciding with your hardware. You took the words right out of my mouth, friend.

[humanperson832]

i'll admit to the visually wired thing... mostly now that's about health and fitness more than anything instead of the OMG SOOOOO HOT thing that a lot of guys have got, but i will say the biggest turn off is someone who's 'bitchy', or some dumb bint who only cares about looking pretty and shopping FUCK THAT SHIT especially if they've got inch thick make-up that i do truly despise, gimme someone who's honest and nice any day, i learnt a long time ago that lying got me anywhere but forward so i just don't do it anymore, i expect the same in return

 

But what if I'm honest and nice AND I kind of care about looking pretty? I don't think these have to be mutually exclusive.

[I-Jo]

we aren't allowed to do that.

lol my dad wears a what you would consider a ' funny' hat and he is awesome. but thankfully there is only one if them. lol

that being about men in fedoras I. own three. <3 then very much.

[DasBoot]

 

"Genuninely nice guys" either have a strong ability to surpress the signals their body is sending them (not always a good thing), or don't get them in the first place. 

 

That suppression was absolutely my circumstance when I was a teenager, and college student, honestly. My experience growing up was that of being average, and not wanting to be a jerk, which in combination made me a nice person to work with on a class project, but not the guy you go clubbing with later. Somehow, I tripped into my relationship with my wife when I was 16, and she's been the linchpin of my life's success ever since.  And as I've lived and observed those around me, I'm finding out that I was always wired to be a family man, married and the whole thing. Not that I wouldn't have dated copiously if I could have managed it. I was just too young to realize that my motivations were bigger than what most women my age wanted out of life. And, I didn't look like Hugh Jackman, so they weren't lining up for a weekend fling either.....

 

Ironically, after 10 years of marriage and almost 4 kids (2 here, 2 on the way), I'm more confident in my abilities to be with women socially than I ever was when I was single. I'm very fortunate that my wife and I both are working through the same sense of "social inadequacy," so as we've become more confident in ourselves, we've allowed each other the latitude to spend time with members of the opposite sex whom we know the other finds attractive. But, it ONLY works because we trust each other. There are women in my life who are my friends, but if not for my marriage, I would want to take the relationship further. I'm sure my wife would say the same thing about some of her boys, but again, we agreed a long time ago that we would build our lives around each other. That doesn't mean she can't get turned on by someone else, it just means she better save her energy for when she gets home!

 

So, that's where my life is; Madam Boot and I keep making babies, although that factory is getting shut down after this round. There are days i'd sell them to gypsies, but generally we are enjoying the challenge that comes with supporting two (soon four) little narcissistic egoists that don't understand why throwing mommy's smart-phone at the TV is a bad thing.... 

 

Also, I'm glad there are women out there who enjoy men that sing. As an opera singer, it gives me hope for when my wife's 50 year lease is up.  : o)

[Timmy M]

But what if I'm honest and nice AND I kind of care about looking pretty? I don't think these have to be mutually exclusive.

i've got a feeling you're a mythical creature... there's a difference between caring about how you look and essentially covering yourself with a shops worth of make-up, everyone cares about how they look in some way or another, not everyone takes care in how they look but still, it's those whose only wish is to be pretty and doted on/looked after/payed for and think the world owes them because of said looks that i have a problem with, i highly doubt there's many of that kind here at all

[humanperson832]

i've got a feeling you're a mythical creature... there's a difference between caring about how you look and essentially covering yourself with a shops worth of make-up, everyone cares about how they look in some way or another, not everyone takes care in how they look but still, it's those whose only wish is to be pretty and doted on/looked after/payed for and think the world owes them because of said looks that i have a problem with, i highly doubt there's many of that kind here at all

 

I assure you, I'm very real. I don't mean to make myself sound defensive or argumentative, but even if someone wants to do that and that's what makes them happy, how does it affect your life directly? Just steer clear of those types if it's so loathsome to you.

[I-Jo]

i've got a feeling you're a mythical creature... there's a difference between caring about how you look and essentially covering yourself with a shops worth of make-up, everyone cares about how they look in some way or another, not everyone takes care in how they look but still, it's those whose only wish is to be pretty and doted on/looked after/payed for and think the world owes them because of said looks that i have a problem with, i highly doubt there's many of that kind here at all

see here's the thing.

 

men almost always have no idea what make up looks like.

They have no idea HOW MUCH make up is anything.

And ultimately they don't have a say. 

 

It's universally so that people look better with properly applied make up.  And it's really annoying to hear constantly that ugh girls that wear all that make up.    One of my biggest pet peeves is people bitching about women going to the gym with make up on.  Step off- I work harder than anyone there and I wear loads of make up there.  And yes sometimes on purpose.  

 

No one owes me anything- pretty or ugly.  I don't  "deserve" anything.

 

But I do want to feel appreciated and I do like being admired.... just as much as I like admiring a man for his hard work and good looking appearance.   Nature is all about plummage and show- we are apparently the only species who A. focuses on the women for doing that (men- seriously- step up your showboating game) and B. we shun women who DO make an effort to look good.  or we call them names.

 

it's wack my friends.

 

Wake. 

[Timmy M]

i kinda meant like this...