Best Easter Ever

[Werewulph]

I wrote this in a document at first, because I wasn't sure if there was somewhere I could post it. It's very long, and if it's annoying, I apologise. But joining this community made it happen, and I feel like my whole life has meaning as a result, so I wanted to share it. Here it is:

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This is going to be fairly long, but it means a lot to me just to write it. Just to put it out there on the record to look back on one day.

My nickname is Wolf and I was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia, depression and aspergers at the age of 18.

I dropped out of college at 17, after missing most of my exams due to anxiety. I learnt to drive and got a job delivering chinese food by a stroke of luck through a friend. At 20 I started splitting my pay with a friend to accompany me because I couldn't handle doing my job alone. At 21 my driving licence was taken away, not because of any driving offense, but because I had informed the DVLA of my condition under legal obligation. And with it, I lost my job. Mental conditions are the most damaging because they're a label. Every hope I came up with for a future was barred off by a diagnosis. I looked into learning to fly, I'm not allowed. I thought about the army, my condition was a disqualifier.

My days consisted of sitting behind a computer screen constantly, rarely leaving the house, the stress of feeling like a failure and feeling like I had no future to hope or dream of was worsening my mental state despite high doses of anti-psychotics and antidepressants. At 22 I got my licence back. At 23 I was ready to return to work, but the DVLA revoked my licence again without giving a reason.

I had gained weight steadily and had tried dieting, exercise, weight training. Nothing stuck for more than a couple weeks. I had been vegetarian since 16 but my weight was only increasing. Late march 2012 I stumbled across Nerd Fitness. With inspiration, I resumed my weights and exercise. But my routine was 3 sets of 12 exercises with dumbbells intended to cover a whole body. I usually lost motivation quickly into a session without feeling more than slighty tired. I ordered pizza every few days. I weighed 127kg or 280lbs at 6ft1.

On saturday the 7th of April I bought the Nerd Fitness strength guide, ordered a jump rope, a body fat measuring device and Duke Nukem 3D. My entire philosophy was, "I'm going to get fit, lose weight, gain muscle, and look like Duke." I expected Nerd Fitness to be a better version of what I was already doing.

Sunday came, and I changed my diet. I went from cheese and carbs vegetarian to meat and veg caveman diet. I hadn't eaten meat in so long I didn't know how what it would taste like and I had to ask how to cook it. I tried steak first. It was horrible. Later I tried sausages and they were awesome. Both were outnumbered by the mass of mixed vegetables on the plate. I abstained from coffee for the day, and by the night I felt motivated and ready to begin the Dumbbell Division workout on monday. I did my occasional thing of staying up two days straight, of which I've adjusted to over the years of gaming, fortunately it turned out to be the best thing that happened to me.

You see, I had a gaming related realisation. During the night I played The Old Republic with friends. I was mostly a healer just because no one else was, and wanted to try tanking because of my whole, "I want big muscles like Duke Nukem," attitude to life. Then I realised everyone is playing to do damage, and they only succeed because I'm there to support them with kolto injections to the face. And as I witnessed, if I wasn't there, they couldn't proceed, they'd always say, "dude, I need help with this boss." That night I, a level 37, helped a level 50 beat the hardest bosses in the game, which he couldn't beat until I came to heal him. I realised that it's not just big muscles and a bad attitude that wins battles.

I'd always had a mismatched belief system, I considered myself a religious person, but I was open minded and always feeling like if I was religious I'm meant to be Christian. A surprisingly short Google brought me onto something called the "belief-o-matic," which after 20 philosophical questions suggested religions that matched my beliefs closely. One scored 100%, Unitarian Universialism.

What occured next was long running trains of thought in my mind after finding out about the religion and how I could find my place yet be free in my beliefs. My mindset changed. I didn't want to be a big tough guy. I wanted to be someone strong in body and spirit, and at peace. I'd often thought about this but never knew what to do. I wanted to be a good, and kind, and truthful, and stop being angry. I'd spent weeks getting pent up about everything. I'd work myself up into a rage over the smallest things. But all of a sudden I realised how stupid it was, and how just viewing things differently, had the most sudden calming effect.

Which leads us to monday. I felt like I'd started a new life already, then came the first workout of dumbbell division. I took notes as I went on a notepad, starting out with the warmup.

I didn't have a jumprope so I ran on the spot for about two minutes. Then came 50 jumping jacks. I completed them but my ankle/lower shin hurt like hell. Then came 20 bodyweight squats which I did but my knees were sore as all hell. It was at this point, out of breath, that I realised whatever I'd been doing before was nothing if this was just the warmup. I'd never done a warmup or cooldown ever before, just straight into free weights. I realised if the warmup frags me I'm aiming too high. I called it quits and switched to the Basic Training guide.

The rest was fine, hip extentions, side leg stepovers, straight and side leg swings. Then came the exercise. For some reason I felt cocky thinking, "pushups won't be a problem," well after doing a single normal one, I realised I'm an idiot and dropped my knees to the ground. 12, rest, 6, rest, 5. I didn't feel defeated by how low it was, I felt like I was going to complete this exercise or die trying, because this is the first time I've felt like I'm making a difference. It didn't matter to me that my knees hurt like hell or that my arms were shaking or that I was already covered in sweat.

Body weight squats, which I thought would be easy since I was used to squatting with weights. That's a negative. I held my hands up like the boss in the video, and my shoulders were aching like crazy real quick, and I did 17, rest, 10, rest, 10. I felt like I'd just been smashed into the dirt by a giant. Really hard.

Planks were next. I leaned out my room and called for someone to time me. They told me 30 seconds is a good time from their experience. That seemed short to me, I mean, it's just holding your body and OH CHRIST! Shaking like hell I did a measly 12 seconds, rest, then 11 seconds. Though I swear the second one felt much longer than the first.

I didn't even attempt the finishing move. I could barely stand at this point. Brought up the video examples of the cooldown moves and tried to do them. This is where I learnt I have the flexibility of lead pipe. I was incredibly shaky, could only do a rough approximation of each exercise, my joints were popping like crazy but when I was done...

Well, I felt like I'd just beaten the hardest thing I've ever attempted, and that was a great feeling. So I hit the shower, still very sore, and I felt compelled to type all this out to document how I feel my life just pulled out of a nosedive. Typing into an .ODT text file, intended for the Nerd Fitness forums, though I think it's too long and I don't know where to put it.

If I still wanted to be a tough guy like Duke, I'd probably feel bad right now, feel pathetic, maybe give up, know that I'd be laughed at for even telling people, because I was doing it to be shallow. But I wasn't doing it for that anymore, I was doing it for the base fitness, a betterment of myself. It looks like a long path from the start, but I just took the first step, into what feels like not only a new diet and exercise plan, but a new philosophy, and a new way of life.

I can safely say that this the best Easter ever.

[AKLulu]

Good job, Wolf! It sounds like you've made some really great realizations about yourself. I'm proud of you for toughing out the workout and I know if you keep up with it, you'll be amazed at how quickly you make progress. Woot! Happy Easter!

[Werewulph]

Happy Easter to you also : )

I figured since I'm in it for the fitness just not the muscle now, I figured I could spare the cash for the fitness guide as well.

Long live the rebellion!

['Roos]

Woot! Congrats on a good start, dude. And also on the zen letting-it-go attitude - that is awesome.

[Woodsrider]

Best post I've read all day... actually, all week.

Woot for you!

[Timmy M]

you sir, deserve the internetz, very well done to you i feel slightly put off by such a short post after your epic that you wrote but there's not much else to say.

Congratulations

[llsoszynski@gmail.com]

Great read, Wolf, thank you for sharing! I'm sure getting it all out there helps out a ton! You better keep with it, which seeing from this post is your full intention. Don't let your feelings and what people may say to you hold you down. Stick to the diet and the exercise and you will be a roll model and a health icon for many, many people, I'm sure.

Thanks so much for sharing and continue to do so! Start blogging your progress on a daily basis! It'll help you and motivate us!

[NotBadForAHuman]

Happy belated Easter. Hard workouts when you're out of shape can be very humbling (this I know from experience) but also make you feel like you've really accomplished something - which you have! Keep it up!

[Werewulph]

Thank you for all the encouragement. You guys rock!

[Revah]

Hi Wolf,

I also dropped out of school at 17 due to anxiety and depression and had a few rough years afterwards. I know what that feels like - and it's awful having to figure out whether/how much of your past to disclose to employers and such.

I am so pleased to hear that you've had such a great Easter and I hope this is a sign of good things to come for you! I do think that physical wellbeing has a big impact on state of mind, and it's your mind and spirit that determine the way you view the world, no matter what your situation.

I've visited a few Unitarian churches and they're wonderful places - unfortunately not local enough for me to attend regularly, but it's something you might want to look into.

I wanted to be someone strong in body and spirit, and at peace... I wanted to be a good, and kind, and truthful, and stop being angry.

Knowing the type of person you want to be, your 'best self' is the first step. You can become that person - through a lifetime of small steps in the right direction along that road. And I'm new here too, but it seems like NF is a good place to meet fellow walkers!

[Werewulph]

Thanks Revah, I'm glad to be here : )