Food and What To Do About It

[PaulG]

My girlfriend and I have a five year old. She is a tiny little sweetheart. She has not yet discovered the idea of rebelling against her parents.

Just one problem. She will not eat her food.

She's not a picky eater; she doesn't have problems eating Paleo-ish; in fact, she loves to try new foods and has no problems with the taste or texture of just about anything.

But she is the slowest eater I have ever seen. She'll sit and talk at the table until we make dire threats. Then she just pokes at her food and drives us up the wall.

We've tried a variety of punishments, everything from loss of TV time to taking away Christmas candy (anything except sending her to bed, since by the time we're resorting to that kind of thing, that's what she wants anyway). We've tried supervising her the entire time and leaving her alone. We've tried giving her five more minutes or else; she blows right through time limits. She is as happy about her food, and as slow to eat it, as she has ever been.

Is this a phase that she'll grow out of on her own? Or is there a way to get her to understand she needs to be done with dinner when the family is done?

[moabbound]

Here's my take. I've got a 13 month old son. If it were him I'd give him all the time in the world. BUT, he couldn't leave the table till he was done. Figure eventually he'd figure out if he wants to come hang out with mom and dad he'd better get busy eating.

[AKLulu]

When I was little, I did about the same thing. I'd eat really slowly... listen to the family conversation. When everyone else was done I'd take some bites, then lay across the chairs for a while... eat a little more. Eventually I learned to wolf down food like my brothers, which.... may not have been the best eating style for me. With my nieces and nephews, they get to take as long as they need with dinner (though, admittedly, they usually have other things they'd rather do than spend all night at the table), but if they don't want to eat, we don't make them. We always save the rest of their food for later though, in the event that they say that they're hungry to try to get a treat. Then we just offer their dinner again. Also, on occasion if they're not eating anything at all we use the "you have to eat two bites of this and three bites of that before you can leave the table." I don't know if any of that is helpful at all.

[So Late So Soon]

If i would eat really slowly or not finish the food on my plate my dad would put even more on and i couldn't leave the table until i finished everything. Needless to say i learned very quickly to not complain about the food and to eat pretty quickly.

[rtalencar]

As a possible supplement, have you considered having more snack times? Then the actual meals could be a bit smaller as well.

[LRB]

She's not going to let herself starve. If she misses one meal (or even a day's worth of meals), she'll be fine, unless there's something you're not telling us about her weight/build/health.

That said, I'd suggest a half-hour mealtime. Set a timer in a place where she can see it. Whatever she hasn't eaten in that half hour gets put in the trash or in the fridge for later/leftovers. If you have one of those stoplight timers, so much the better. If you don't, then be sure to count down the time for her (twenty-five minutes left; twenty minutes left; fifteen; ten; five; three; two; one). Tell her the plan ahead of time, and then do everything matter-of-factly. Don't lecture, don't scream, don't try to take control of her eating. This is one place where, at the moment, she has your full attention and is completely in control. It's okay for her to control some/many things in her life, but if the amount of time it takes her to eat is driving you crazy, that's not an okay thing for her to control.

The key is to be un-emotional about what you do. When the half-hour is up, just take whatever food is left. Don't make a big deal out of it, and don't give her "just one more minute" to eat it. She needs to know that you mean it, and that you don't actually care whether or not she eats her food - you just care that she stops eating when it's time to stop eating.

It may take a couple days, but I'll bet she comes 'round.

Good luck!

[IfItPlugsIn]

She's not going to let herself starve. If she misses one meal (or even a day's worth of meals), she'll be fine, unless there's something you're not telling us about her weight/build/health.

That said, I'd suggest a half-hour mealtime. Set a timer in a place where she can see it. Whatever she hasn't eaten in that half hour gets put in the trash or in the fridge for later/leftovers. If you have one of those stoplight timers, so much the better. If you don't, then be sure to count down the time for her (twenty-five minutes left; twenty minutes left; fifteen; ten; five; three; two; one). Tell her the plan ahead of time, and then do everything matter-of-factly. Don't lecture, don't scream, don't try to take control of her eating. This is one place where, at the moment, she has your full attention and is completely in control. It's okay for her to control some/many things in her life, but if the amount of time it takes her to eat is driving you crazy, that's not an okay thing for her to control.

The key is to be un-emotional about what you do. When the half-hour is up, just take whatever food is left. Don't make a big deal out of it, and don't give her "just one more minute" to eat it. She needs to know that you mean it, and that you don't actually care whether or not she eats her food - you just care that she stops eating when it's time to stop eating.

It may take a couple days, but I'll bet she comes 'round.

Good luck!

I second this! I have two boys, and we didn't do a timer, but just last night, my husband said that when supper was done we could all go to Grandma and Grandpa's (my parents have a farm about 10 miles from our house where we have a garden, and visit once or twice a week). They were dawdling, so he said the would leave without them if they didn't finish by the time he got his boots on and was ready to go. Dawdling proceeded, so he followed through and left without them, and I stayed home with the whining and crying. I'm positive we won't have the same problem again.

[Good Row G]

We have such serious, similar food issues. Happily sitting at the dinner table picking away. Saying their done, getting up, half or more dinner left on the plate. Saying they're hungry 20 minutes later. Ahhhhhhhh!!!! I hate prepping dinner for my girls. They have the will to literally starve themselves.

LRB and Ifitplugsin, would you come and parent my girls? Please!

[IfItPlugsIn]

We have such serious, similar food issues. Happily sitting at the dinner table picking away. Saying their done, getting up, half or more dinner left on the plate. Saying they're hungry 20 minutes later. Ahhhhhhhh!!!! I hate prepping dinner for my girls. They have the will to literally starve themselves.

LRB and Ifitplugsin, would you come and parent my girls? Please!

Save the other half of their plate. Either put it in the fridge, or leave it on the table. If they're hungry in 20 minutes, tell them they can finish their supper or wait til breakfast. My pediatrician told me that kids absolutely won't starve themselves. They might hold out a night or two to try to test you, but eventually they'll realize that you're in control, not them, and will eat what you serve them.

[IfItPlugsIn]

Saying their done, getting up, half or more dinner left on the plate. Saying they're hungry 20 minutes later.

My youngest actually does this often. He seems to be more of a grazer. He's happiest eating lots of small snacks instead of large meals. If I leave his plate out from supper, he will honestly come out and eat day-old sausage the next morning. I've learned to definitely have the table cleared before I go to bed.

[scotticus]

This kind of sounds like my wife's eating-style, which my two year old seems to have inherited. If someone finds a solution, please let me know ASAP!

[RaeVynn]

May I suggest that you NEVER make how/what she eats an issue? Provide food, let her tell you when she is hungry, keep it available, and just let her be herself about it.

Yeah, she might not eat much at mealtime. Yeah, she might come back a half hour later and tell you that she is hungry. So what? Isn't that better than her having self-esteem issues 20 years from now? or 10 years from now? Or some sort of eating disorder in her teens?

Do not set a timer, for goodness sakes!! eating is not a competitive sport!

btw: I raised 6 children - the youngest (twins) are now 24 years old. My oldest daughter has body issues. I learned with the later children that food issues can be prevented by just allowing them to be what they are - kids. Children are people. Treat them like you would like to be treated in the same circumstance.

Edited: I should also mention that I was raised with severe, strict food issues. What, when, and how much to eat was carefully regulated by my parents. I'm in my 50s now, and I'm still dealing with scar issues from it. I would never treat a child the way I was treated. Ever.

[Artinum]

I was always a fussy eater when growing up and often ate relatively little. I was always underweight until I left university. My mother never forced food onto me, though my step-dad tried without success. Some people are just slow eaters - let her eat in her own time and be glad she's eating what she does.

It's always hard to tell with small children as they don't have the capacity to understand or explain, but is it possible she has a cause for this slow eating? Teething issues, sensory issues, swollen tonsils?

[Ian]

I guess I'll chime in as another who sees this as a non-issue. Unless there are medical issues that haven't been mention, let the kids be kids. Offer nutritious food, and don't let them snack on crap. When they're hungry they'll eat. Don't force them.

[Archer]

Kids can't control much, so food is a way to be in charge. But if you get them enough exercise and brain stimulation, they will always be hungry enough to eat and tired enough to sleep.