While I'm redefining myself...

[Lindsaybits]

Warning: this will be long. I'm a reader and writer. I'm long-winded. I like rambling. And since I'm shy and socially awkward, I've been writing this in my head for the last 2-3 days.

The me of two years ago would think the me of today was a pipe dream: I was living in Atlanta, stuck in a failing marriage, a messy house (you don't even know how bad; the ex is a hoarder), smoking anywhere from a half-pack to a pack of cigarettes a day, unemployed, overweight... you name it, it was wrong.

A year ago, on April 1st, I took a single suitcase to the airport, boarded a plane and went to stay with family until I got back on my feet. I started a new job within 6 weeks of getting back to Chicago (this is where I grew up). My divorce was final before July 1st and I got my own place on September 1st. I haven't had a single cigarette. I have my own studio apartment and my maintenance guy loves me because I have the cleanest apartment in the building. (So you can see, when I decide I want to change my life? I freaking change the hell out of my life. The determination and willpower is there, somewhere.)

But I'm still overweight. I'm just under 220lbs. At my heaviest, three years ago, I was 235. I've lost 15 in the last year, without really trying. I'm more active now than I was in Atlanta, and I'm eating a lot better now.

To be fair, I've been overweight all my life. It's always been a twitchy subject for me, because of how I got this way: ballet dancer mom started starving me early so I could follow in her toe shoes. It backfired: hungry kids don't sneak broccoli or carrots. I was all about the Twinkies. I developed very unhealthy relationships with food from very early on.

Even that's improved within the last year. I've gone back on a gluten-free diet; not for weight reasons but because gluten makes me feel like I've been hit by a truck. I've gotten into the idea of bento box lunches: 3 parts brown rice, 1 part protein, 2 parts veggies. I've been following recommended portion sizes. I am starting to recognize my weak points when it comes to my diet: I can tell you roughly how many calories I eat every day for breakfast and lunch, but dinner? No idea.

Another weak point for me is maybe an odd one: talking about it. I know if I tell my family about any weight loss efforts, they'll ask for details then and again later in future conversations. Being the contrary thing that I am, it'll feel like pressure (even though intellectually I know that's not their intent), and that will make me more inclined to run and hide my head under the sand.

It recently occurred to me that in any area of my life where I've set my mind to something, I've done fairly well at it.

I've never really tried to lose weight or get into better shape.

It's been percolating a while.

Yesterday I went to the LA Fitness that's about 4 blocks from me. It's right between the train station and my apartment -- so it's on the way home from work, meaning I can incorporate it into my schedule. Leave work, hop on train, walk towards home and Presto! Gym's right there and I have no excuses to not go in and do at least 30 minutes of something. There's a pool there, so on days when I hurt too much to do anything else (thank you, fibromyalgia), I can at least get into the water and do some laps.

Because while I'm changing my life and redefining myself based on who I want to be, I want to change the one thing about me that's been constant since I was 8 years old. I don't even know what a reasonable goal is. At my thinnest, I was a size 16. I'd like to get back down to that, at the very least.

I've told one internet friend about my plans. There's another one I might tell. I won't be telling my family until they ask me if I've lost weight or if I've been working out. Maybe not even then. It's not that they're unsupportive or mean -- far from it. I just know me well enough to know that Talking Equals Not Doing. (I'm even a little sketchy on posting this, but I recognize that I need to utilize external resources and have some kind of support system.)

In a few hours, I'm headed back to the gym to do a fitness analysis with a trainer. Everyone I talked to at the gym yesterday was very nice, not judgmental at all. And if anyone there starts looking at me funny, I can take my glasses off and just not see the way they look at me. I'm not doing this because I care about their comfort. How I feel about myself is more important to me than how other people feel about me.

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

You've got a whole different level of self awareness and that's going to help you incredibly in this journey. You seem to know where your strengths the and weaknesses are and you should be able to see any major pitfalls coming. Welcome to the rebellion! Don't hesitate to seek help or advice on these boards, that's what we're all here for.

[Ocelot]

Yeah, its no one else's business what you do or don't do with your body and what size or strength it has. Don't even take others into consideration when making your mind up: just do it. There is really no need to talk about it with anyone unless you want to. Good luck, have fun finding the right way for you!

[Elastigirl]

Welcome! One of the reasons I love this place is because it is where I can share my struggles and triumphs with getting healthy. Most people in my life (though my hubby is coming around) just didn't get it. And I didn't want to waste emotional energy defending my choice with critics-and I don't think you need to either. Good luck on your new life journey.

[tigersheart]

ditto on what the others said, and welcome aboard!

You have found the right place, I think you will fit right in here

good luck with everything!