Troubled teenagers?

[mandy75]

Anyone have teens that are not just heading down the wrong road, but have done a couple laps on it already?

My daughter is 15 and is just becoming more and more out of control everyday. I have done everything I know to do. I have taken away everything from her, she has nothing but a bed and clothes. No laptop, no cell phone, no nothing. Last week, her latest trick was to break in to the neighbors house while they were on vacation. She used their computer, stole food, makeup(she had plenty of her own), just stupid stuff. She has been stealing from me for years, I keep my purse with me at all times, keep my bedroom locked ect. I tried to get the neighbors to press charges but they won't. I don't know what else to do. As far as she is concerned, she got a way with it, I mean she got yelled at bit deal. She's says "I'm sorry, I know I was wrong" blah blah blah, but it's only because she knows exactly what to say. I have punished her in every way I know how and have promised all sorts of rewards, ways to to earn back trust, ect. Nothing works. I have contacted a therapist, he's my last hope, or I am going to have to send her somewhere. *sighs*

[Librarian of Doom]

Is there any chance that something could have happened to her to trigger this behavior? My 16-year-old younger sister has had similar issues, but they started after my dad got arrested for molesting her. Not trying to imply that that's what's going on with your daughter, but it seems likely that something is causing this behavior. I think a therapist can probably help; it's been a big help with my sister.

[ETFnerd]

sorry to hear about your situation... sometimes they grow out of it... i wish i could be more helpful...

[mandy75]

No, nothing has happened to her, she has pretty much always been this way, I was always just told it's her age, well I have been hearing that since she was 3. I don't know if it's an impulse control issue or what. I just know if I don't figure something out soon, the only place she is going to end up is jail. She is a very sweet girl, loves helping others ect. I call it, quietly defiant.

[IfItPlugsIn]

Is it possible she's begging for attention? I know with younger kids, they sometimes act out because the negative attention (punishment, yelling, etc.) is better than no attention at all. Maybe she needs some positive reinforcement for helping others? You could suggest volunteering somewhere together. Is she into any school activities? Band, choir, drama, sports? If she could stay busy with something else, maybe she wouldn't have time to get in trouble? Or is peer pressure the source of the trouble? A boyfriend, or other friends that also get in trouble. If that's the case, I know banning her from seeing certain people won't work, so maybe changing schools or sending her somewhere would be the only option. I've heard of kids being diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (similar to ADD or ADHD, I think), so maybe therapy/meds could help.

I don't have teenagers, and I'm just throwing out ideas. You've probably already heard all this... I hope things get better for you.

[BeckyBuckeye]

I'm sorry about your situation. Have you considered family therapy? Sometimes teens are angry because they don't feel like they're being heard. Not knowing her or the exact situation, I can't be much help, but hopefully things work out soon. Best of luck to you.

[mandy75]

Is it possible she's begging for attention? I know with younger kids, they sometimes act out because the negative attention (punishment, yelling, etc.) is better than no attention at all. Maybe she needs some positive reinforcement for helping others? You could suggest volunteering somewhere together. Is she into any school activities? Band, choir, drama, sports? If she could stay busy with something else, maybe she wouldn't have time to get in trouble? Or is peer pressure the source of the trouble? A boyfriend, or other friends that also get in trouble. If that's the case, I know banning her from seeing certain people won't work, so maybe changing schools or sending her somewhere would be the only option. I've heard of kids being diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (similar to ADD or ADHD, I think), so maybe therapy/meds could help.

I don't have teenagers, and I'm just throwing out ideas. You've probably already heard all this... I hope things get better for you.

I have taken her out of socializing, for awhile now other than church actvities(punishment for behavior). She comes up with her ideas ALL on her own. We had her in track, had to pull her out due to grades. I just had her in bass lessons, she wanted to learn how to play her dads so we put her in lessons and she was starting to play in the youth band at church, but I just took that away for the breaking and entering. She is pretty much on house arrest now. Nothing but chores and school work, till something else is figured out.

[Yoshi]

First off, I'm so sorry that you're dealing with something so stressful and upsetting. And I don't mean to step out of bounds, but I had some trouble with my parents during my high school years [however, not to the extent that you're talking about.]

My parents often reverted to taking things away from me, as you've said you did. What I found was that being disciplined that way didn't help me to understand the problem with my behavior. I also had some mental issues that were being treated as unimportant. [so I think it's great that you're embracing the idea of a therapist.] But the taking things away did make me feel trapped and I resented that. So I'd stay after school more and do anything to stay away from my house. [Her situation sounds like a much more extreme version of this.]

I don't mean to sound insulting or condescending, but what I found helped bring me closer to my parents and calm me down over time was having real conversations with them. When they treated me like an adult it made me want to rise to the occasion and behave in a more mature way. It also made me more comfortable opening up about myself and being able to explain why I felt certain ways. I don't know if you've tried this, and I don't mean to play the "have you ever really listened?" card. But sometimes we just need some attention and understanding. We live with you, we love you, and you should be the ones we're closest to. I certainly wanted to be close with my parents, but I felt like I couldn't.

So my advice would be to sit down with her and be open to what she says/ confesses. It will probably be upsetting and difficult. But it's so important for her to feel heard. As she gets older, this could translate into an intelligent young woman who went through some bad times, but used the experience to grow. You can help her do this.

Good luck with everything! I hope this was at least a little helpful.

[Pat G]

Mandy, there isn't anything else i can offer that the guys haven't already done so.

I think the idea of a therapist is a good one too, to see what the underlying issue is behind the behaviour. Way to go mum.

My thinking however is kind of in accordance with what Yoshi & IfItPlugsIn said, I'd imagine, when my 3 girls eventually turn into teenages (Dear God!) that clamping down on them harder and harder would only make them rebel more and more (like both my wife and i did as teenagers).

The suggestions of allowing socialisation with people who are good role models & who would be willing to invest into her, both from her generation and older generations(maybe even more important) could have a positive influence.

All the best.

[So Late So Soon]

I was a total dick to my parents during my 7th and 8th grade year. I acted out, got bad grades, started smoking cigarettes, drinking, and doing drugs during that time too. My parents tried the "take things away" route but it didn't do much except make me resent them more. looking back on it now I was completely miserable in middle-school and probably was pretty depressed. I kinda just grew out of it by my sophomore/junior year of H.S. though I have kept a lot of the bad habits I started back then to this day, especially my coping mechanisms. I wish I could go back and change a lot of what I did during that time but it is what it is now.

Probably the best thing you can do is talk to your daughter and going to see a therapist/psychiatrist is probably a very very good idea, i'm sure it could have helped me.

[Haikoo]

I would have to agree somewhat with Yoshi. I don't think taking things away is the right answer. At least not unrelated things. She needs to have natural and or logical consequences for her choices. She should have been arrested for breaking into the neighbor's house. No question about it. That is the natural consequence for breaking and entering and I would have asked the neighbor to press charges if it were my child. Sadly, it might take something that serious to snap her out of it. Bad grades=no track. That is a natural consequence because she no longer qualifies. I know it's difficult to sit back and let your kid get in trouble like that (especially if it involves a possible criminal record) but we don't do them any favors by protecting them from their own choices. They won't learn without them.

Taking away something constructive and good like the bass will probably just make her want to act out all the more and create nothing but resentment. Especially if the bass had absolutely nothing to do with the bad choice she made. I'm not saying give her everything she wants... (For instance, no way on the cell phone, if she can't pay for it herself, she doesn't need it). But she does need something in her life that brings her happiness and music could be it if given the chance.

I also agree that it sounds like she might need some therapy. Something is causing her to act out...whether its emotional, something in the way her brain is wired...attention seeking.

I am really sorry you are going through this. It is every parents' nightmare to see their kids spiraling out of control and not knowing what to do to fix it. I hope you can get her straightened out soon.

[mandy75]

I begged him to press charges, I even told him the therapist is recommending it. He still wouldn't. I had to do something, there had to be a consequence, and taking the bass playing was my only option. I didn't want to and still don't. This all just seriously sucks

[Pat G]

Its all good Mandy, you've got her best interests at heart. Let her know that too.

[Haikoo]

I hear you, Mandy Even with my oldest at 8, I'm CONSTANTLY questioning my decisions and wondering if I am doing the right thing...or trying to figure out what I SHOULD do to set them on the right path. It is no easy job, that is for sure. And sometimes even if we do the "right" thing, it may not work. I wish I could be of more help.

[Georges]

Is Outward Bound something that would appeal to your daughter? Maybe that, or something similar, could show her just how awesome she can make her life...

I think you are doing all the right things.

I hope the therapist can help. Is the therapist available to you, as well? An outside view might help you cope with the stress/frustration/worry, that you are facing, and may even have some more suggestions on what you can do to help your family.

[Kimberly]

Let me start off by saying I don't have any kids of my own, but my husband has a son with this ex.  We resently had to sit through a juvinal mediation for him and his friend breaking into a house.  Like your case, they didn't really press charges but there was a police report and juvinal court appointment.  The advocate said he would need to do some community service and write a letter of appology to the home owner.  His Mom is taking on the letter writing and we are taking on the community service peice.

 

Maybe something good to do for your daughter is, make her write an appology letter to the home owner and then make her do some voluntary community service as her punishment.  We selected for the community service the local area food bank.  This coming Saturday we are taking him there at 8:45 AM for sign in and spend 4 hours sorting food and filling food boxes for needy families.

 

Food for thought.

 

Kimberly