Cliff Jumping a.k.a. I just joined the rebellion, so here's my life story. Enjoy.

[hushpiper]

So, I jumped off a cliff once. Don't wet yourselves: it wasn't a very tall cliff, and there was water at the bottom. But either way, I almost didn't do it. I just stood there at the top and looked down at the water--it looked so much taller from the top!--and decided that if I was gonna do this thing, I was gonna have to just ignore the entirely reasonable voice in my head telling me all the perfectly logical reasons this was a bad idea, and just make the jump in between breaths.

It worked then. So I figure that's the thing to do now: jump in before I can convince myself it's not such a great idea, and anyway, how likely is it that I'm gonna really stick to a fitness plan, maybe I should just quit before I get the chance to fail? Well--entirely reasonable though that train of thought may be, it's never gotten me anywhere I wanted to be. So here's the low-down:

I'm only five feet tall, which I'm quietly convinced is due to a bout of anorexia in middle school which happened to coincide exactly with a growth spurt that I should have gotten, but managed to skip completely. In fact, I managed to miss all my growth spurts. I haven't actually gotten any taller, or in any way bigger, since I was 12. Actually, I've somehow managed to get smaller. In middle school, I fluctuated between 92 and 98 pounds (moral: water weight can make a huge difference, and weighing yourself more than once a day is not actually accurate). When I snapped back to sanity again and stopped starving myself, I settled down to about 95 and stayed there comfortably for some time.

A few months ago I went to the doctor for a full physical for the first time in a long time, and royally freaked out when I saw my workup and realized that somewhere along the way I'd dropped over ten pounds and any semblance of healthy weight I may have had. Hovering between 83 and 85 pounds now, a BMI of just under 16, and fully aware of the irony (who ends up losing weight only after they stop trying to lose weight? augh!), I'm frustrated straight to tears looking at myself and seeing how skinny I am. The body image problems alone are killer. (I'll drop this here and leave it: gender issues.) All told: being teensy was cute in high school, but it got to be a drag pretty quickly after that point. But even more than that, I'm sick of being around guys and being unable to relax and enjoy myself because I'm too aware of how much bigger they are than me. Going into how frightening and demoralizing that can be is really just more of a downer than I want to get into right now, so we'll leave it there.

There's another side to it, too. I inherited something of my grandmother's bipolar disorder, along with truckloads of my dad's anxiety disorder, and these two things untreated wrecked my life for as long as I could remember, until I faced the music and found some help for it. Well, prescription sedatives saved my life and gave me the ability to get my job and actually start living, something I'd never been remotely able to accomplish before. But I don't see much point in being able to live only when using drugs as a crutch, especially when said drugs are emphatically not meant for long-term therapeutic use and tend to lose their effectiveness over time, so I weaned myself off them as soon as I could. Blah blah, insert sob story about those particular struggles here, but it got better. Eventually I even found a particular guy who was hilariously awkward and strangely calming to be around, and jumping headfirst into a relationship with him ended up working even better for me than any drug ever had.

Well, there's a reason why I'm here today: said guy pulled out of the relationship this morning, leaving me somewhat sad and utterly confused. I have work tomorrow--which for various reasons is gonna be hellish for the next couple of weeks--and my monthly mood swings to contend with; I am not interested in a breakdown. Shit's gotta get done, and it's not gonna wait for me to get my head on straight. Clonazepam's gonna be my best friend for the next couple days, but that can't continue long term. I've lost the best coping mechanism I had at the worst possible time, so I need a new one, stat--and I figure tapping into the endorphins and exhaustion of exercise and obsessing hardcore about my diet is smarter than a lot of things I could be doing now.

So this is me, jumping. I'll see you when I hit the water.

[Hammlin]

HI there- welcome to the rebellion. Mental health issues can really get us (yes us) and I'm so proud of you for staring your demon in the face.

If you need any support, woots, or kicks in the arse, you come let us know!!!

[Morrigainz]

I just want to give you some hugs and some MAJOR props.

I'm sorry about the end of your relationship...sounds like it came at a not-very-good time. I'm sure I could spout all sorts of advice and philosophical ramblings...but I won't. Let's focus on fitness.

What kind of things are you into??

[Quorralyne]

Welcome!