LGBTQA and Ally Safe Space

[JohnnyRandom]

Sounds good to me.

And if he mentions he's straight, don't forget to say "Maybe it's just a phase. Perhaps you just haven't met the right man yet."

Hahahah! Oh Athena! You might be the right woman to turn me!

[JohnnyRandom]

Man crushes know no borders.

Bromance!

[Valiance]

I desperately need some advice.

I have been dating a guy for about two years now (well, more like 1.75 years ). There are so many great things about him, and of course some not so great things. I realize that's how relationships go, and you work things out. We have been doing that, but this last week I feel like I don't know what to do any more.

Long story short I'm still living with my parents, who know about me but not about my boyfriend. I graduate soon, and the idea is for me to move in with my boyfriend when I graduate.

When my boyfriend and I got together I was 22 and he was 27, and we agreed that bring discrete was the best plan. He was not out to anyone, although all of my friends know about me. Over the last two years, a few of his friends guessed so he's out to a few people now.

But he pretty much managed to ruin my birthday this last weekend, and it brought up an issue I thought had already begun to resolve itself. I wanted to go out to lunch with a friend and he didn't want to come along, but I pointed out that if we started living together he would have to get used to the idea of seeing my friend because she and I are so close. So he agreed. My friend made a mistake and she thought that I was saying that she could invite other people, so she did. They're all friends of mine that I've known for years. When I found out that morning I immediately texted my boyfriend and apologized and said how it was a mistake, and not my fault, and said that if he wanted to come to lunch he was still welcome but I understood if he didn't want to. I was expecting he might just go, "we'll they're your friends, so okay."

But then he proceeds to send me a bunch of texts lecturing me about how he can't POSSIBLY come and he really wanted to see me but now everything was ruined. So I remained very neutral and said, "okay, that's fine and I'm sorry this happened." But then he was pissed off and distant for the next three days. Three. Freaking. Days. When I texted him good night, I love you, he was just like, "yeah, good night." For three days.

So I need some advice, because my plan is that when I get to see him on Sunday I will, in the very kindest possible way, let him know that either he has to start acting like my boyfriend or we're done. I'm not moving in with someone that I have to hide from my friends... They don't even know his name, he's just "my boyfriend." I've done it out of trying to be respectful, and my hope was that over time he would loosen up and be willing to be seen with me.

Is that unreasonable?

I feel like if he were just the greatest guy in the world maybe I could put up with this, but here are the other issues that I've been overlooking or just dealing with one step at a time: I'm a very positive person, and he's very negative. He loves trashy tv and I don't, but it's not enough for me to just watch a little with him, he wants me to LOVE it. I dread talking to him on the phone because it's a non-stop litany of how much he hates work and how poorly everyone treats him, but if I try to suggest he be more positive he attacks me or says I don't care enough to listen to him. He complains about being "sick" all of the time but when I confront him about it he says, "no, I'm just talking about allergies, I don't get REALLY sick," but every day it's some new litany of ills and health woes, where as when I get sick or get allergies I get the hell over it because I don't have the time to be sick. I'm very driven and goal oriented as far as work and my life are concerned, and he really isn't... He says he is, but he's not.

But on the other hand, in general he's actually very sweet to me and very caring, and of course very supportive of me in my own goal setting and achievements. But I feel like I can't keep on hiding this from everyone.

I'm not trying to say I'm the world's best boyfriend. God knows I've got flaws and problems of my own. But I'm really feeling like this is the breaking point... But at the same time I wonder if I'm being unreasonable. I'm not just going to break up with him, because I want to work this out, but I'm still so hurt and angry that he did that to me on my fucking birthday and then gave me the cold shoulder for three days, and the issue that this raises is not something I'm sure I can live with.

[Valiance]

Maybe it's worth mentioning too that I'm worried maybe I'm overreacting because of how stressed I am. I'm in 15 hours of upper division classes and working 20-30 hours a week, so I'm exhausted. He and I only get to see each other on the weekends, so that sucks, but that's how it has been since we started dating because I'm very busy, and in the last year he has become very busy too. I'm sure my workload sounds like a vacation to some of you busy folks, but to me it's a lot.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't want to be, but I'm not very happy right now and I've felt horrible and extra stressed since my birthday because of what happened and I feel like I can hardly handle all of this stress piled up right now.

[JohnnyRandom]

Valiance, it sounds like you need to step back away from the situation for a bit so can you can make the right decision for YOU. Sometimes when we are too close to something our vision gets blurred and you really need some distance to weigh everything out. I personally would have a problem dating someone that is not out. Do you I need them to run down the street waiting a pride flag? No, but I need someon that is comfortable with who they are and being that person around other people that are important me and those I care about.

I think you did the right thing by letting him know what the situation was and at that point it was in his hands on how he wanted to deal with it. I must say I'm not big on the three days of not talking and then withholding affection and just saying good night. At times when you are stressed, in my opinion, that is a time for the other person to realize that you are under duress and do what they can to help minimize that for you, not add to it. He might be the greatest guy in the world but that does not mean that he is the right guy for you. I don't think your request is unreasonable. You have to set your sites on what you want in life and keep moving toward them. I think the best relationships come out of people who change togther and grow together, not when there is one person who must sacrifice everything to please the other person or try to make it work. In the long run, it won't work if you do that. All you do is end up doing is losing yourself. I am speaking from coming out of a ten year relationship here. I am sure you will get many different opinions and advice here but at the end of the day the only one that has to be satisfied with the decision you make is you.

I know it is hard and that you are stressed but you have to find something that brings you happiness. Even if that means being alone. In time you will find someone with similar interestes and that won't have a problem being your boyfriend around your friends and family. Also, I am not passing any judgment on your boyfriend. Perhaps he has some valid life issues that cause him to be the way that he currently is, maybe he will change and maybe he won't, but those are his decisions to make. relationships are like the tides and have their highs and lows, that is a given but you have to find balance.

Do what is right for you and love yourself enough to realize when it is time to walk away.

[AngelaTheGeek]

Oh my... This sounds extremely familiar to my first "relationship" with a woman. She was very secretive about us for no good reason. She was out and had always been. She was quite a bit older than me, and I think that had to do with it, but it frustrated the hell out of me. She would do the same thing you are experiencing. Something would go awry, and she would distance herself and be cold for days. I put up with it because I thought the "love" was enough. Well, the only time she ever even said she loved me was when she was drinking. I'm an open book. I wear my heart on my sleeve. It was incredibly stressful to be with someone who was so completely on the other end of the spectrum.

I was all ready to introduce her to my family as my girlfriend on a cruise, but we went on that cruise and it ended up being my breaking point. She didn't want our beds to be put together, so I slept alone, in the same room with her. I tried to touch her at one point, and she recoiled. That was it. She was only my friend on that cruise, and that was not okay with me. We broke up shortly after that cruise, and I met my partner about 2 weeks later.

When I started seeing Carol, it was a completely different feeling. She wanted to be near me. She wanted to touch me. She wanted to hold my hand. She openly told people we were together, even though the age difference was roughly the same. I told her within the first few weeks that I don't do the whole "break up - get back together - break up" thing, and she promised to never do that to me. And you know what? She never has.

I guess what I'm getting at is, this is the key:

Am I being unreasonable? I don't want to be, but I'm not very happy right now and I've felt horrible and extra stressed since my birthday because of what happened and I feel like I can hardly handle all of this stress piled up right now.

If you are not happy after almost 2 years, what are you waiting for? You need to be happy before your relationship has any chance of working. I'm not trying to tell you to break it off, but do some serious reflection and do what your heart tells you. I have a feeling it's already telling you what to do.

You deserve love, happiness, and friendship... always remember that!

[JohnnyRandom]

Well said, Angela. Well said.

[PointyEnd]

Queer NF n00b here, just dropping by to say hello. *waves*

[AngelaTheGeek]

Queer NF n00b here, just dropping by to say hello. *waves*

HIIIIIII!!!! Happy to have ya!

[maggerson]

I think Angela just won all the things.

[AngelaTheGeek]

Well said, Angela. Well said.

I think Angela just won all the things.

I just hope it helps Valiance... I want everyone to achieve their own happiness!

[Valiance]

Thank you both for your comments and advice. I really, really appreciate it.

I'm not totally sure what to do, still. He's out of town for the weekend because of work, so I probably won't see him till Sunday afternoon. He hasn't texted me back at all today, but I think he's mad because I didn't text him last night... I accidentally fell asleep before I texted him goodnight, and that drives him up the wall if I forget... So he's probably angry. I am dreading the conversation so much... Whether it turns into us working the issue out or not, I'm sure it's going to be ugly and he'll feel like I'm attacking him.

But that's part of the problem. Through this whole relationship I've never made demands like this before, and I've never been "mad" in a way that has driven me to comment, but there have been a number of times I've frustrated him and we've had arguments because of things he brings up. Honestly not even arguments. He says I've done something, I'll agree and apologize, and he spends the next two hours grilling me because "sorry" isn't enough. So it makes me wonder some times if maybe I am just a horrible boyfriend. I know I'm not the world's greatest guy and I can be a d-bag without meaning to sometimes, so maybe I'm really not a particular great boyfriend. I have no idea at this point.

I'm also afraid that breaking up with him is going to cause him a lot of problems. One of his issues is that when someone wrongs him, he can't forget it and he'll hold a grudge eternally and he really believes that people are out to get him, and it bothers him that I'm always willing to work with people if they've done something bad. It's also his first relationship ever... Not mine. I've had three boyfriends previously. So he doesn't know how to deal with rejection, and GEEZELECREEZLE he seriously sits around hoping something terrible happens to the people that have wronged him. That makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

Plus there's the added complication that he apparently just got his hours halved at his job, so he may be headed for some financial difficulties. I don't want to add to that horrible stress.... But on a completely, horribly, totally selfish note I am literally squirming inside at the thought of having to listen to him talk about his upcoming financial difficulties. He can talk for effing HOURS about things that took five seconds to happen, so you can imagine how long he'll be able to talk about a real problem.

[catspaw]

I'm also afraid that breaking up with him is going to cause him a lot of problems. One of his issues is that when someone wrongs him, he can't forget it and he'll hold a grudge eternally and he really believes that people are out to get him, and it bothers him that I'm always willing to work with people if they've done something bad. It's also his first relationship ever... Not mine. I've had three boyfriends previously. So he doesn't know how to deal with rejection, and GEEZELECREEZLE he seriously sits around hoping something terrible happens to the people that have wronged him. That makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

I'm not normally a harsh person (really! check my logs elsewhere! ) but I feel like you need to hear this flat-out.

"I'm afraid that the breakup will be awful" is the worst reason to stay with someone ever. EVER. What's the alternative? Is your plan to just be with him for the rest of your life, and to die together, and to never have had a reasonable relationship because you're worried that the breakup will be bad?

Breakups are bad. Period. Some are worse than others. But sacrificing your entire life to be with someone because you'd rather avoid breakup unpleasantness is ridiculous. Can't you see how ridiculous that sounds?

Pull off the damn bandaid.

[maggerson]

I think he's mad because I didn't text him last night... I accidentally fell asleep before I texted him goodnight, and that drives him up the wall if I forget... So he's probably angry

I think this, right here, is a really good indication that things are a bit unbalanced. If missing (I use that term loosely) a text upsets him as much as it sounds like it does, that's not a good thing.

I'm also afraid that breaking up with him is going to cause him a lot of problems. One of his issues is that when someone wrongs him, he can't forget it and he'll hold a grudge eternally and he really believes that people are out to get him, and it bothers him that I'm always willing to work with people if they've done something bad. It's also his first relationship ever... Not mine. I've had three boyfriends previously. So he doesn't know how to deal with rejection, and GEEZELECREEZLE he seriously sits around hoping something terrible happens to the people that have wronged him. That makes me incredibly uncomfortable.I'm also afraid that breaking up with him is going to cause him a lot of problems. One of his issues is that when someone wrongs him, he can't forget it and he'll hold a grudge eternally and he really believes that people are out to get him, and it bothers him that I'm always willing to work with people if they've done something bad. It's also his first relationship ever... Not mine. I've had three boyfriends previously. So he doesn't know how to deal with rejection, and GEEZELECREEZLE he seriously sits around hoping something terrible happens to the people that have wronged him. That makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

I think catspaw covered this pretty well - don't stay with him just because you're afraid of making him upset. Think of it this way: he's upset with you at the smallest of things, like not texting him at night. He's upset with you at mid-level things, like unexpected friend hangouts.

Believe me when I say I understand not wanting to break up with someone. The queer dating pool, pretty much universally, is rather small, and that sucks and it's unfair. What's suckier and more unfair is that you're being forced to choose between your happiness and his, even though it seems like he's not really into being happy with you. I would really take a good look at the last couple of years. It sounds like you're not to blame for your unhappiness (or his).

[BookLoverL]

I joined my uni pride society last week! (Pretty sure I am lesbian but still unsure where I am on the sexual/asexual spectrum.) I'm going to the welcome buffet tonight, but I'm kind of nervous. Hopefully it will go well.

[realbrickwall]

If you want to be really sure, check whether you go for the clams or the sausages at the buffet hurr hurr hurr.

(...I wonder if there is a statistical correlation between sexual preference and taste for sexually suggestive foods)

[Thrillho]

Mmmm, sausages.

...

<.<

>.>

WHAT? NO! NOTHING! I LIKE BOOBS!

[RaeVynn]

But that's part of the problem. Through this whole relationship I've never made demands like this before, and I've never been "mad" in a way that has driven me to comment, but there have been a number of times I've frustrated him and we've had arguments because of things he brings up. Honestly not even arguments. He says I've done something, I'll agree and apologize, and he spends the next two hours grilling me because "sorry" isn't enough. So it makes me wonder some times if maybe I am just a horrible boyfriend. I know I'm not the world's greatest guy and I can be a d-bag without meaning to sometimes, so maybe I'm really not a particular great boyfriend. I have no idea at this point...

This has all the hallmarks of an emotionally abusive relationship. I have some experience with such, and I want to share a thought or two.

The dynamics of abusive relationships are difficult to untangle from. This is a dance you two are engaged in - not only him, but you. It took me a couple of years to work my way through getting out of an abusive marriage, and then discovering how I was contributing to the dance... and healing myself, so that I could be in an equal, supportive relationship.

While it may seem easy enough to say "just dump him", be aware that, unless you address your own issues, your next relationship won't really be any better. It will take some time, and it might be easier with some assistance, but deep inside of you, your view of your own self has to change for the better. It can happen - it did for me.

I wish you great success.

[Valiance]

I'm not normally a harsh person (really! check my logs elsewhere! ) but I feel like you need to hear this flat-out.

"I'm afraid that the breakup will be awful" is the worst reason to stay with someone ever. EVER.

Pull off the damn bandaid.

Thank you, I do appreciate your candidness. My concern is mainly for him. The idea of him hating me forever for breaking up with him is something I can handle, but I am worried about his mental health.

I realize we are all responsible for ourselves, but I can very, very easily imagine him getting severely depressed because of a breakup and losing his job, or getting himself into a heap of trouble financially. He comes from a very poor family (first person on either side of his entire, extended family to graduate from college) so he never learned to manage money, and he had to support himself in college and no one ever taught him about credit scores or how to properly use a credit card. He lives within his means now, but he's still in debt from before. So if he loses his job(s) now he'll really be in trouble with trying to pay off that debt.

I know none of this is my problem. But I don't know how else to describe it except that I do feel "responsible," for him somehow because of how long we've been together. He doesn't want me to be affected by his debt and he's been very clear about that, so it's not like he's the one making me feel responsible, but... I just do. It's not even like I could help him with his debt, because he doesn't want me to.

Believe me when I say I understand not wanting to break up with someone. The queer dating pool, pretty much universally, is rather small, and that sucks and it's unfair. What's suckier and more unfair is that you're being forced to choose between your happiness and his, even though it seems like he's not really into being happy with you. I would really take a good look at the last couple of years. It sounds like you're not to blame for your unhappiness (or his).

That's part of the issue. I do have a concern that there just isn't anyone else out there any better, and I DO love him. I honestly do, and I know that he loves me, I'm just questioning if these issues are too big to be overcome by "love." When I meet other gay men my age I'm usually not interested in the slightest. I don't hook up, and I don't do the whole "lets have sex after two dates and see how it works out!" thing so most guys aren't interested in me. A lot of my friends hook up all of the time and I love them to death, it's just not how I want to live my life.

Aside from my very best friend that I've known for five years (and maybe my boss, who's so super awesome I'd do almost anything for him), I do think my boyfriend treats me better than anyone else in my life. He's always encouraging and supportive of me and he's done a lot of very, very nice things for me. I don't want to make it sound like some one-sided relationship where I'm doing all of the work, because I'm not. For example, for Christmas he was super sneaky and figured out my favorite singer, and which CD's I didn't have, and got them for me along with her auto-biography... totally surprised me. Everyone in my family just asks, "what do you want, I'll get it for you," but he actually went out of his way to surprise me and get me what I wanted. I wonder if I'm being too demanding, considering the good aspects of our relationship. I know good relationships take lots of hard work and nothing is perfect.

While it may seem easy enough to say "just dump him", be aware that, unless you address your own issues, your next relationship won't really be any better. It will take some time, and it might be easier with some assistance, but deep inside of you, your view of your own self has to change for the better. It can happen - it did for me.

I wish you great success.

This is something I have been working on for ages, and in fact in many ways he's actually helped me bolster my self-esteem quite a bit. My parents are wonderful people, but my dad has major depression issues and he took a lot of his frustration out on my sisters and I while we were growing up. On the one hand I've developed a thick skin so honestly most things don't bother me that much and I'm very laid back about things (i.e. I don't give a crap if you leave the toilet seat up or down, if you're messy or neat, if you like to speed a little or drive slower, etc. those things just don't phase me--those things are amoral to me, I care more about "would you stop to help someone who fell over while riding their bike?")

I think that's what I'm worried about. My dad is very negative and my boyfriend thinks very negatively about his own life (although he's always very positive and upbeat about my life and accomplishments), so I'm really worried that I'm essentially in a relationship with someone who's going to turn into my dad eventually because I wonder if maybe my boyfriend is going to become jealous as my career (hopefully!!) takes off... and I know that over time the finances will become important, because eventually when I'm making $50,000-75,000 a year and he's making $30,000 or less it's not like we'll be able to keep our money from mingling. My mom told me that my dad, when they first married, was suspicious and negative but she thought he would become more positive once he graduated... but instead he got worse, and now he's bitter and jealous of her accomplishments, although he can't admit it.

The thing is, I feel like some of the things like the negative thinking are maybe things we could work on together, but the issue is that we don't have the time right now. Usually we get to see each other once a week, maybe twice if we're lucky, because of how busy we both are. I sort of figured once I was graduated and we moved in together we'd be more able to work on this stuff, but in reflecting on my mom's situation with my dad I wonder if that's possible.

............................... and in reading back over this for spelling and grammar before I posted it, I sound like a fucking fruitbasket. Am I out of my mind, guys? Be honest. If you think I'm a moron or a nutcase I'm more than okay with knowing because I feel like right now my ability to self-evaluate is at zero. I don't mean to come across like I'm in some horrible, abusive situation because I'm not. But reading back my own "facts" doesn't look very pleasant.

[catspaw]

Love

posted this week by the vlog brothers on human sexuality.

[Thrillho]

I am now both enlightened and confused.

... YAYYYYYYYYY

[nightlight]

^^ THIS.

[spencer_]

Dear god, yes. That.

[AngelaTheGeek]

I LOVE THAT VIDEO!!!!! I mean, I love the Vlog Brothers, but that is by-far the best video I've seen of theirs.

[spencer_]

So I'm a female who is secretly a dude and normally enjoys dating other females but is in a completely good relationship with a dude, and it feels like a hetero relationship though that goes against what I just said.

Yeah, I just made me feel better about myself... nothing is ever simple.