MEN ONLY THREAD part two

[Loren Wade]

Yeah...

I'm gonna be coming to see you.

Don't know when.

Don't know how, yet.

But I will.

And when I do...

We'll have fun.

[Jcannon98188]

sdfjhsaldf. So I just started Paleo on Monday right. Well now I have to stop. I just lost my job yesterday (which is fine, I was planning on quitting in 2 months anyways). Unfortunately, lack of money means no more control over what food I have in the house. Luckily, my parents are getting healthy themselves, so I am still eating GOOD just not paleo like I was hoping for. Oh well, 3 days is like a long time right?

[Guest Snake McClain]

sdfjhsaldf. So I just started Paleo on Monday right. Well now I have to stop. I just lost my job yesterday (which is fine, I was planning on quitting in 2 months anyways). Unfortunately, lack of money means no more control over what food I have in the house. Luckily, my parents are getting healthy themselves, so I am still eating GOOD just not paleo like I was hoping for. Oh well, 3 days is like a long time right?

 

 

 

well hopefully it will be clean enough eating that you can take care of yourself. how are you feeling about living with your parents for the time? I'm hoping you're not letting it get you down.

[Zorch]

sdfjhsaldf. So I just started Paleo on Monday right. Well now I have to stop. I just lost my job yesterday (which is fine, I was planning on quitting in 2 months anyways). Unfortunately, lack of money means no more control over what food I have in the house. Luckily, my parents are getting healthy themselves, so I am still eating GOOD just not paleo like I was hoping for. Oh well, 3 days is like a long time right?

Sorry to hear about the job.

 

I'd say if your parents are working on eating healthy, that there's an opportunity to work with them a bit to shape things in a way that works for all of you.  Now - that doesn't mean that they'll buy into strict paleo - but I think that there's an opportunity there if you want to help shape things a bit more toward what you're thinking of.  I'd approach it from the positive ("hey, can we get some sweet potatoes this week!") instead of the negative ("I don't want to eat bread, I think it's unhealthy) - this will probably get you your best response.

[Guest Snake McClain]

Sorry to hear about the job.

 

I'd say if your parents are working on eating healthy, that there's an opportunity to work with them a bit to shape things in a way that works for all of you.  Now - that doesn't mean that they'll buy into strict paleo - but I think that there's an opportunity there if you want to help shape things a bit more toward what you're thinking of.  I'd approach it from the positive ("hey, can we get some sweet potatoes this week!") instead of the negative ("I don't want to eat bread, I think it's unhealthy) - this will probably get you your best response.

 

 

agreed

[Loren Wade]

I know I haven't always been there for you guys when you've been sharing your issues and stuff here, and I'm sorry. However, some of you know me on FB and/or chat and know I've always been willing to listen and help.

Anyway, right now I could use some support. I don't want to share all the details on a public forum, but I at least would like to tell you guys what's going on.

I am currently going through a divorce. We had been separated since before Christmas. The anxiety, stress, depression, and weight gain I've had this last year as been mostly related to this.

[Maleficarum]

@Loren separation and divorce is horrible.  I hear ya brother.  I have my own complications with the end of my marriage (5 years) and the end of a 24 year friendship, but id be happy to listen.

[Guest Snake McClain]

I know I haven't always been there for you guys when you've been sharing your issues and stuff here, and I'm sorry. However, some of you know me on FB and/or chat and know I've always been willing to listen and help.

Anyway, right now I could use some support. I don't want to share all the details on a public forum, but I at least would like to tell you guys what's going on.

I am currently going through a divorce. We had been separated since before Christmas. The anxiety, stress, depression, and weight gain I've had this last year as been mostly related to this.

 

and of course you know i was married and divorced and you were also there for me in a rough time last year. And although I totally want to beat you up, I'm your guy. You're too good to let this get you down. If you gained a lot of weight and hand all these mental and emotional issues because of this...it is time to be strong and turn it around. Believe in yourself. Hit the gym harder than ever before. Find what has worked for others and do it. Find the routine to bust your ass with (strong lifts 5x5 and find some assistance work to really give you hell) and dont take shit from anyone. It's time to do what you need to do for you. You make the rules now Wade. 

 

 

This ones for you Wade. <iframe width="640" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/9fWvub_WBho?feature=player_detailpage" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[Loren Wade]

@Loren separation and divorce is horrible.  I hear ya brother.  I have my own complications with the end of my marriage (5 years) and the end of a 24 year friendship, but id be happy to listen.

Thanks man. I appreciate it. I'm sorry you're dealing with it too.

 

and of course you know i was married and divorced and you were also there for me in a rough time last year. And although I totally want to beat you up, I'm your guy. You're too good to let this get you down. If you gained a lot of weight and hand all these mental and emotional issues because of this...it is time to be strong and turn it around. Believe in yourself. Hit the gym harder than ever before. Find what has worked for others and do it. Find the routine to bust your ass with (strong lifts 5x5 and find some assistance work to really give you hell) and dont take shit from anyone. It's time to do what you need to do for you. You make the rules now Wade. 

 

 

This ones for you Wade. <iframe width="640" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/9fWvub_WBho?feature=player_detailpage" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Thanks man.

 

You've no idea how much that video cheered me up. You got my soft spot, you jerk.

[Church]

Holy cow you guys. I can't really offer any advice or anything, but you have my deepest sympathies. I hope you're able to get things sorted out as quick and painless as possible.

[moabbound]

Gentleman, I come for advice. I have read this thread sporadically and it seems like there is a good bit of advice to be had 'round these parts.

 

TL;DR - Wife is talking to ex-fiance, I want to re-arrange his face.

 

 

Recently (~2 weeks ago) my wife dropped the "Hey I don't want to fight but... I've been talking to my ex-fiance." bomb on me as I was walking out the door to work.

 

My wife and I have been married 3 years tomorrow and been together 5 1/2 years. I love that woman to no end. I have never once in my entire life felt jealousy about anything or towards anyone until that moment. Actually in that moment it was more rage and an overwhelming urge to remodel the wall with my fist, but now it has turned into an extreme feeling of jealousy mixed with a healthy dose soul destroying rage, I am not an angry person but I have an overwhelming feeling of constant anger/sadness. I recently found out that they have been emailing and texting and even Skyped since August.

 

She assures me that nothing is going on more than friendly chat. She has also said she will "always love him, not in the way that I love you but as a friend" and that he has told her that he "would wait until the end of the world for her." More rage. I trust her 100%. I do not trust him. He is married. I feel he is disrespecting me and my marriage AND his marriage by talking to (and flirting with as she informed me) my wife.

 

Everything inside me is screaming to put an end to it (really just go find his navy ship in the ocean and punchasize his face). I have spoken with her and written emails (I have expressive aphasia so sometimes writing is my best form of communication) expressing my feelings on the subject. I know that if I outright tell her to end the talking to him it will cause resentment on her end for me, but allowing it to go on is causing me some serious issues. It is causing issues in our marriage.

[Red1263]

I know I haven't always been there for you guys when you've been sharing your issues and stuff here, and I'm sorry. However, some of you know me on FB and/or chat and know I've always been willing to listen and help.

Anyway, right now I could use some support. I don't want to share all the details on a public forum, but I at least would like to tell you guys what's going on.

I am currently going through a divorce. We had been separated since before Christmas. The anxiety, stress, depression, and weight gain I've had this last year as been mostly related to this.

OH MAN! now I feel like an even bigger idiot! My condolences, brother!

[Guest Snake McClain]

Gentleman, I come for advice. I have read this thread sporadically and it seems like there is a good bit of advice to be had 'round these parts.

 

TL;DR - Wife is talking to ex-fiance, I want to re-arrange his face.

 

 

Recently (~2 weeks ago) my wife dropped the "Hey I don't want to fight but... I've been talking to my ex-fiance." bomb on me as I was walking out the door to work.

 

My wife and I have been married 3 years tomorrow and been together 5 1/2 years. I love that woman to no end. I have never once in my entire life felt jealousy about anything or towards anyone until that moment. Actually in that moment it was more rage and an overwhelming urge to remodel the wall with my fist, but now it has turned into an extreme feeling of jealousy mixed with a healthy dose soul destroying rage, I am not an angry person but I have an overwhelming feeling of constant anger/sadness. I recently found out that they have been emailing and texting and even Skyped since August.

 

She assures me that nothing is going on more than friendly chat. She has also said she will "always love him, not in the way that I love you but as a friend" and that he has told her that he "would wait until the end of the world for her." More rage. I trust her 100%. I do not trust him. He is married. I feel he is disrespecting me and my marriage AND his marriage by talking to (and flirting with as she informed me) my wife.

 

Everything inside me is screaming to put an end to it (really just go find his navy ship in the ocean and punchasize his face). I have spoken with her and written emails (I have expressive aphasia so sometimes writing is my best form of communication) expressing my feelings on the subject. I know that if I outright tell her to end the talking to him it will cause resentment on her end for me, but allowing it to go on is causing me some serious issues. It is causing issues in our marriage.

 

 

I'm just going to give you my two cents here.

 

When I was married this (with the exception of it NOT being her ex fiance) is exactly what my (now ex) wife was doing. I told her "hey be careful there I'm getting a weird vibe" and her response was "we are just friends" and all that. Next thing you know...well we aren't married anymore. 

 

I suggest you approach her and simply say, "hey i am not comfortable with this" and so on and then draw your line. If your spouse cannot do that then something is seriously broken there. Of course this is just my opinion and It may not apply, but i'm of the belief that if you tell your spouse or significant other (but especially someone you're married to) that you are uncomfortable with a situation they should be there to back you up and do their part to make you comfortable. Especially if you aren't normally a jealous person. If you've never been weird about her and anyone else ever and the sudden you are....Look typically if your gut instinct is saying something is amiss then it probably is. I've experienced this type of thing more than once.

 

Again that is just my perspective and i'm not trying to put anything in your head saying anything else is going on, but you do need to address the situation with her and tell her you arent comfortable with it. flat out tell her.

[Zorch]

I'm just going to give you my two cents here.

 

When I was married this (with the exception of it NOT being her ex fiance) is exactly what my (now ex) wife was doing. I told her "hey be careful there I'm getting a weird vibe" and her response was "we are just friends" and all that. Next thing you know...well we aren't married anymore. 

 

I suggest you approach her and simply say, "hey i am not comfortable with this" and so on and then draw your line. If your spouse cannot do that then something is seriously broken there. Of course this is just my opinion and It may not apply, but i'm of the belief that if you tell your spouse or significant other (but especially someone you're married to) that you are uncomfortable with a situation they should be there to back you up and do their part to make you comfortable. Especially if you aren't normally a jealous person. If you've never been weird about her and anyone else ever and the sudden you are....Look typically if your gut instinct is saying something is amiss then it probably is. I've experienced this type of thing more than once.

 

Again that is just my perspective and i'm not trying to put anything in your head saying anything else is going on, but you do need to address the situation with her and tell her you arent comfortable with it. flat out tell her.

 

I agree.  While your wife's intentions may be harmless, the other guy's position/attitude is clearly making this an unhealthy/inappropriate interaction.  If these were just plain friendly conversations I wouldn't worry, but the "other guy" clearly isn't happy where he's at, and still wants your wife(as more than a friend).  At minimum your wife needs to be clear with him about what the appropriate boundaries are - though given the situation I still feel that the other guy shouldn't be interacting with your wife at all until such point as his mind grasps the reality that she's married to YOU and won't be coming back to him.

 

I won't say much beyond that - I've never been married, but at one point I basically had to stop talking to an ex-girlfriend who much like the guy in this discussion, didn't have a proper understanding that our romantic relationship was in the past.  In that kind of situation, unfortunately sometimes stopping the conversation entirely IS necessary.

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

Like the others said, if it's making you uncomfortable she should want to stop so you don't feel that way. I personally don't talk to my one ex very often for that reason, my wife didn't feel right with it. I didn't like it at first, but I still did it for her.

[Rostov]

Well.....

 

Normally I'd say that I think jealousy is pretty poisonous, and that wanting to control who your partner can and cannot see/talk to/be friends with is controlling and inappropriate.  However, I think it's pretty clear from your post that you're well aware of all this, and that this is something rather different.  If that's the case, she'll be aware of it too.  What seems to be going on here is that he's still in love with her, and that he still means a lot to her as a friend, and as someone who shared an important part of her life with her.  Problem is.... he's loved and lost, she's with you now and for the future.

 

Is your wife aware that her ex (of, let's face it, at least 5 1/2 years) still has feelings for her, or does she think that their relationship is entirely platonic/friendship-based?  If she knows that he wants her back, then one approach to take might be to suggest that she talks to him less often, and has fewer interactions with him.  This would be good for you, and I'd argue, good for her ex as well.  By the sound of things, he needs to move on with his life and find someone else.  It's all very well talking about "waiting for ever", but the reality is that he needs to accept things and move on or he won't be happy.  Having a lot of contact with her makes this harder and keeps his hope alive.  Perhaps your wife can be persuaded of this - though obviously you shouldn't dress up your concerns with this as being about a concern for her ex!

 

Years ago I faced a dilemma of whether to cut all ties with the love of my life in order to move on, or to stay in touch occasionally and stay notionally friends.  On one level, I knew I should have cut all contact, but I couldn't bear not knowing how she was, and if she was happy.  Because to me, that's what love is - when someone's happiness is as/more important than your own.  So perhaps it's unrealistic and unfair to expect your wife and her ex to cut all contact, but perhaps she could be persuaded that it's in everyone's interests (or at least yours and his) to cut the amount of contact right down.  That would be a good compromise, I'd have thought.

[Church]

My feeling here is that, even if you're not comfortable with giving her an ultimatum, or flat out telling her to cut all contact with him, she at least needs to know that this makes you uncomfortable, and that your appreciate if be became (and stayed) a part if her past.

[Philociraptor]

@Loren - Dude, major sympathy and vibes going your way. Haven't been around much but when I am you constantly inspire me. Sounds like now is a good time to hold on to some keystone habits and take it one step at a time.

@moabbound - I have a friend from college that I've been encouraged by my fiancé not to talk to. Completely understand both sides. She should understand when you tell her that you'd prefer her not being in contact with this guy. Additionally, you could try to spend more time with her to keep her from spending her time on him.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Loren, dude, that sucks. I'm sorry. There's really nothing else to say.

 

Moab, if you don't want to set an ultimatum, that's fine, it's probably better not to. You should, however, tell her pretty much what you told us about how you feel. Instead of demanding she cut off contact, tell her, "There is just no way I could ever be comfortable about this." and let it be her decision what she decides to do. By telling her how you feel without demanding action on her part, the decision is her own and you circumvent any "I'm being told what to do and I don't like it" defensiveness. Also, if she says she still loves him, that is a pretty bad red flag. She may be in denial about the dangers of where that kind of interaction could lead. And she waited several months to tell you about it, another read flag, possibly indicating some part of her knows its not a good idea.

[HulmeK]

@Moab

I discovered my wife talking to someone else a few years back. After reading one of their conversations I had a talk with her and explained to her that with the mannerisms of their conversations, I would be extremely uncomfortable with OUR marriage. I made every effort to not come across as controlling or pissed off (Which I was), but she did cut all ties with him. Of course I will most likely never forget the occurrence, but I will also remember that she did put in the effort to continue our marriage and did the right thing.

 

I can't tell you which way to go with your situation. But I would definitely urge you to talk to her about how it makes you feel. I pray that everything works out for you.

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

Didn't see Loren's post, sorry man, that blows. Hit me up if you wanna talk.

[BarefootDawsy]

Australia, anyone?

LOL

Yep!

[Loren Wade]

Thanks for all the kind words, dudes.

[KillerGriller]

whoa, heavy times at the ranch.  Unfortunately, I can't add anything new to the conversations going on here, but you guys have my sympathies.  Good luck all...heavy...

[KillerGriller]

I was working my way through my RSS feed backlog this past week and I just cam across the Art of Manliness week-long series on Testosterone. 

 

Anyone read through them?  Thoughts?  Impressions?  Wild Accusations?