MEN ONLY THREAD part two

[Church]

That's exactly what happened. Also, the shocked-girl-face is perfect for heading the thread. Lol

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[wildross]

As I understand it, part one of the thread got so big it broke, so Spezzy started part two in her role as admin.

At the time, the forum software had a limit of 3000 (I think) comments in a thread. Apparently that thread crashed the software at least once.  Who says size doesn't matter???

[julio]

(shielding my eyes, only looking at this little discussion then will leave you men to your discussion)

 

If you really want to know what is going on, read the book- The Female Brain. 

My favorite quote (and it is SO true)   Foreplay for men is what happens in the 3 minutes before penetration. Foreplay for women is what happens in the 48 hours before penetration.

 

We women all have a "list" in our heads. All the things we need to do, should do, need to buy, what we need to clean, what is coming up on the calendar, what activities the kids have the rest of the week and so on. Let me say that the longer the list.....the lower sex goes on the list. Ask your wife if she needs help around the house, or don't ask and just clean the bathroom and sweep the floor. My husband cleaned the bathroom unasked and unexpected. He also will take all 3 kids grocery shopping by himself. Total turn on. Weird, I know but it's how most women work. 

 

When she is doing dishes (if she does) don't cop a feel and talk about what could happen later that night, give her a hug from behind and tell her to go sit down and you will finish the dishes. (and then sweep the floor and wipe off the table)

 

Ok, sorry to intrude, but I hope you and your wife can start to repair that part of your relationship.

[Suited hippy]

When she is doing dishes (if she does) don't cop a feel and talk about what could happen later that night, give her a hug from behind and tell her to go sit down and you will finish the dishes. (and then sweep the floor and wipe off the table)

 

 

 

The girl I am seeing right now says the exact opposite of this. Says nothing gets her going like when I come up behind her and get all handsy when she is doing dishes*...

 

*She is 24, and not a mother of 3, and I treat her exceptionally well. She's a keeper.

[67alecto]

(shielding my eyes, only looking at this little discussion then will leave you men to your discussion)

 

If you really want to know what is going on, read the book- The Female Brain. 

My favorite quote (and it is SO true)   Foreplay for men is what happens in the 3 minutes before penetration. Foreplay for women is what happens in the 48 hours before penetration.

 

We women all have a "list" in our heads. All the things we need to do, should do, need to buy, what we need to clean, what is coming up on the calendar, what activities the kids have the rest of the week and so on. Let me say that the longer the list.....the lower sex goes on the list. Ask your wife if she needs help around the house, or don't ask and just clean the bathroom and sweep the floor. My husband cleaned the bathroom unasked and unexpected. He also will take all 3 kids grocery shopping by himself. Total turn on. Weird, I know but it's how most women work. 

 

When she is doing dishes (if she does) don't cop a feel and talk about what could happen later that night, give her a hug from behind and tell her to go sit down and you will finish the dishes. (and then sweep the floor and wipe off the table)

Wow, does this seem dated to anyone else?

 

I just turned 40, and the household dynamic this describes is no longer the norm.  The idea that women are relegated to certain tasks and chores is dying more and more each day as kids grow up in homes where these stereotypes no longer work - primarily the one where the woman is home while the husband works.  

 

I grew up in such a home - my dad was an executive, my mom stayed at home with the kids, cleaned house, made dinner, etc.  But in my home, my wife and I both work. I do all the dishes, 90% of the shopping, 90% of the cooking, the yard work, etc.  I don't do it as some sort of weird, protracted foreplay.

 

Coincidentally, the idea of men who help out getting more sex was the subject of a recent study.

 

http://www.cnn.com/2013/11/04/living/upwave-men-chores-sex/index.html?iref=allsearch

 

the intro: 

"The rumor: Girls love a guy who helps out at home

If you're the kinda gal (or guy) who thinks there's nothing more appealing than a man who cuts the grass, folds the laundry and shuttles the kids to lacrosse practice, you're not alone. So guys who help more at home get more at home, right? That makes sense, but then some are saying men who do chores get less sex than men who don't.

The verdict: Helping around the house improves guys' chances, but not every chore counts"

 

And it goes on to say that men who do traditionally female-assigned chores get lucky less than guys who do the "manly" things (working on the car, cutting the grass, etc).

[spezzy]

Doesn't describe all women. I know that's true for some, but I know a large number (myself included) where that is furthest from the truth.

That is all.

*runs out before she's banned*

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[Zorch]

Doesn't describe all women. I know that's true for some, but I know a large number (myself included) where that is furthest from the truth.

That is all.

*runs out before she's banned*

 

I think it varies quite a bit depending on the specific situation/individuals, but I think there are two underlying common threads:

• Everyone wants to feel loved/cared for, and that their partner is looking out for them (this is where the caring gestures, spending time together, etc. is important)
• Everyone also wants to feel attractive (this is where a little physical contact can get things going, if the other pieces are in place)

When both of these are in place is when the firewoks tend to happen, in my experience.  I realize that for folks with children it may be more difficult, but my experience is that simply spending quiet time together in close proximity often leads to something more... physical.  This can be something as simple as sitting on the couch watching a movie together, going for a walk somewhere quiet, or another activity of your choosing that fits you as a couple.

 

But really, the bottom line is demonstrating that you care, and starting by making sure your partner feels loved, cared for, and unstressed.  If you get to that point, it becomes a matter of giving things the opportunity to happen - don't press the issue, but give yourselves a nice block of time together so that it CAN happen.

[Artinum]

*runs out before she's banned*

 

Spezzy, you're an admin. Who'd ban you? Quis administratum est administrata? (Except in actual Latin!)

 

I think julio's post is being taken a bit too literally by some posters here. Not all women are expected to do the washing up. To my mind a proper modern woman will do the washing up because it needs doing and she wants to get it done - and the same applies to any man in her life, too. If you're arguing over the dishes, your relationship is in serious trouble already. But the "list" concept is still an interesting one - the items on that list may be different, that's all. Handling dishes or handling clients, if there are other priorities on there it means her mind isn't on the present moment.

 

Anyone who does have this issue, this is what you do - write that list down. Get it on paper, and then you can clear your head and do something fun instead. The dishes can wait.

[bigm141414]

Spezzy, you're an admin. Who'd ban you? Quis administratum est administrata? (Except in actual Latin!)

 

 

 

*...raises his hand...*

[Endor]

I really don't like the idea of earning sex with your partner by doing chores. I guess relationships are different for different people and there's no one rule for everyone. I'd certainly agree that paying them more non-sexual attention and talking/listening more is going to help bring you closer together.

 

When you have your everyday life around you, there's always something to keep you busy and distracted. I find that time away from the day to day in a different environment, like a weekend away somewhere or a long walk together is always refreshing and allows you to focus on each other.

[Frost of the Gloaming]

Anyone else do Kegels? Yes it's normally a womans topic, but men can do them, if you practice them enough you make your penis dance and also shoot the moon that will leave you seeing stars, I highly recommend them.

[Waldo]

I really don't like the idea of earning sex with your partner by doing chores.

This.

It sets up a very bad power dynamic (you are basically paying her for sex) and frankly doesn't work; she has to notice and be turned on by it, which is only going to work in a fraction of your attempts.

This was an issue for us as well, but not nearly to that extreme (2 years, good god, I thought a couple months was bad).

In a repurposing of a Vince Lombardi idea, winning begets winning, losing begets losing. A decrease in sex leads to a decrease in sex. An increase in sex leads to an increase in sex.

The best thing we did was to ditch the spontaneity. That is we agreed to a schedule (1 day/wk, same day each week) that we always stick to, except for 1 week a month. If it gets missed for any reason outside of that, we usually make it up the next day (or two). Honestly the sex is better that way anyway. We both know its coming for days in advance and can prepare ourselves mentally for it. Instead of the spontaneity being in IF we are going to, it is transferred to WHAT we are doing.

I never complain or bother her for sex outside of that anymore (though now we are in babymaking mode, which means a busy few days each month). She knows that anything I do outside of that I'm not doing in order to try to have sex (though I certainly tease a bit leading up to our sex day, that just makes the event that much better). I make a really big deal out of it if she skips/says no (which forces the makeup day, even though I don't force it for real), which has helped to keep things on track (if one of us were not strict about sticking to it, it would never work for very long).

Though it also helps that I've spent a lot of effort becoming eye candy for her. Eventually she came around and joined the club, losing all the baby weight and then some and now she's in fantastic shape too. Feeling good about themselves physically definitely adds to their desire. Your compliments only go so far (for many women they go almost nowhere), the real compliments that they need are inside of their heads.

And strength training. The hormonal side effect of strength training is increased libido for both sexes. As she switched from pure cardio to doing strength work too, there was a definite increase in sexual appetite (not so much to frequency, moreso that she was more charged and rarin to go each time).

[Flex Luthor]

Totally not judging you at all Waldo, but it does not surprise me in the slightest that you schedule fun times with your wife. At this point it wouldn't shock me if you scheduled bowel movements down to the minute lol Again not judging. I think that's one of the most awesome things about you. I will probably never be able to do it myself but obviously it works for you.

[Waldo]

Totally not judging you at all Waldo, but it does not surprise me in the slightest that you schedule fun times with your wife. At this point it wouldn't shock me if you scheduled bowel movements down to the minute lol Again not judging. I think that's one of the most awesome things about you. I will probably never be able to do it myself but obviously it works for you.

I think that is is pretty common for most married couples to eventually either settle on a schedule for sex or to stop having it all together. Spontaneity works when you are younger; as you get older times where you are both in the mood (and willing/able to act on it) will get rarer and rarer (and like I said, the phenomenon where less sex begets less sex).

It is far easier to be in the mood when you predetermine the point of time you need to be in the mood, for both men and women. Leading up to that point in time, the times you are in the mood, instead of always being I'd like to have sex now moments, many tend to be this is what I'm going to do on the day moments, which leads to a little preplanning, in turn making it that much better.

[Reluctant Amazon]

Am I still allowed in here or has my betrayal of the patriarchy banned me?

[Thrillho]

ERHMAHGHERD WIMMINS! RUN!

[Flex Luthor]

I think that is is pretty common for most married couples to eventually either settle on a schedule for sex or to stop having it all together. Spontaneity works when you are younger; as you get older times where you are both in the mood (and willing/able to act on it) will get rarer and rarer (and like I said, the phenomenon where less sex begets less sex).

It is far easier to be in the mood when you predetermine the point of time you need to be in the mood, for both men and women. Leading up to that point in time, the times you are in the mood, instead of always being I'd like to have sex now moments, many tend to be this is what I'm going to do on the day moments, which leads to a little preplanning, in turn making it that much better.

 

That's a little hard for me to imagine being 23. Good advice for the future though.

[Reluctant Amazon]

ERHMAHGHERD WIMMINS! RUN!

 

For the love of all that's holy...

[Reluctant Amazon]

For the love of all that's holy...

 

A man starts using female pronouns and avatar and posting that he might have a female gender identity and people get all weird.

 

I really have no idea if this all is temporary madness, anyway, and I am 100% biologically male still.

 

And I don't have trans cooties.

[Frost of the Gloaming]

Nah Amazon you're still welcome.....

 

 

Yes scheduling sex at 23 might be a bad thing, unless you have 2-3 kids and go months without getting any. Really it's probably something I/we need to set up again esp with working full time jobs and having kids in all sorts of extracurricular activities; it would be nice to shut the cell phones off for one night and just leave the dirty dishes in the sink after the kids go to bed.

[Thrillho]

I wasn't trying to be wierd, I was trying to be funny and support your gender identity.  Apologies if I offended. 

[Reluctant Amazon]

I wasn't trying to be wierd, I was trying to be funny and support your gender identity.  Apologies if I offended. 

 

I have a very dry sense of humor and a tendency not to use smilies.

[Thrillho]

Both responses were defensive, so I'd assumed I'd stomped on some toes.  Anyways! Welcome. 

[Frost of the Gloaming]

OMG YOU'RE GERMAN!!!!

[Artinum]

I think that is is pretty common for most married couples to eventually either settle on a schedule for sex or to stop having it all together. Spontaneity works when you are younger; as you get older times where you are both in the mood (and willing/able to act on it) will get rarer and rarer (and like I said, the phenomenon where less sex begets less sex).

 

I'd agree with this. After over ten years with the same partner, sex has gone from a weekly occurrence to very rare. A good chunk of that is down to the ****ing disgusting nicotine gum he keeps chewing, but there's also our different sleep schedules - he regularly stays up until 2-3am and sleeps in late, I'm in bed by midnight and consider 9am a lie-in. And there's the major factor, too, that it's all a bit of a chore - coordinating a suitable time, and both being showered, and it's a messy business... sometimes a cup of tea is just as much pleasure for far less hassle.

 

I sort of understand what Rabbi Ben Ezra was on about these days.