MEN ONLY THREAD part two

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

? for all the guys who squat a lot.

I've been doing the boxer brief thing for a while, and had to totally replace my entire wardrobe as I lost weight. They were some of the first things replaced as boxer briefs eliminates a lot of issues related to running.

Now I'm running into the issue where they are getting hard to get over my thighs, yet are more loose than tight in the waist.

The Champion ones are the worst offenders, and Hanes aren't much better. I've got some Merona ones that are a little better, but they still are overly tight (they aren't as long, which seems to help). I have to prestretch the Champion ones to even get 'em on. Thing is, my legs aren't THAT big (25") for my waist (34"), and I still want to add a good bit more size to them.

Anyone know if there any boxer-breif brands/models that are better for those with big legs? Kinda like the underwear equivalent of baggy fit-loose fit pants.

I just squueeeeze into those champion ones. Belly isn't as loose as it was a few months ago, but that's what I do. If it doesn't work, the only thing I could see is going full out briefs and dealing with the chafe on the inner thigh you'll get from running until the skin toughens up and in the interim baby powdering before you run.

[Waldo]

Now I have a question to the men. So previously (until the past year and a half) I have been known as a quitter. I quit at everything once it got tough or seemed challenging. Now I'm really doing my best to stop that mentality. I'm busting ass at all I apply myself to. I have a few Ideas for some new art projects I can work on and I am excited to try my hand at it. As well as writing. And my...well my former former-lady friend (yes we are getting back together), has gone out of her way and surprised me by buying my personal fitness training and theory textbook for my certification. Awesome. But here is the thing. Of ALL the people I know she is one of a few who believe in me. Because she didn't know the OLD me. All of my old friends are sort of like "yeah whatever" and it's really pissing me off. I know you all encourage me but how do you deal with the naysayers? The people that just scoff? Should I just write them off of my life completely? Let them wallow in my absence? Or do I hang with them like normal and just not mention the things I'm doing and let them figure it out once I'm done?

Man counsel, how would YOU handle this?

Actions speak louder than words, let them figure it out once you're done.

[Artinum]

Now I have a question to the men. So previously (until the past year and a half) I have been known as a quitter. I quit at everything once it got tough or seemed challenging. Now I'm really doing my best to stop that mentality. I'm busting ass at all I apply myself to. I have a few Ideas for some new art projects I can work on and I am excited to try my hand at it. As well as writing. And my...well my former former-lady friend (yes we are getting back together), has gone out of her way and surprised me by buying my personal fitness training and theory textbook for my certification. Awesome. But here is the thing. Of ALL the people I know she is one of a few who believe in me. Because she didn't know the OLD me. All of my old friends are sort of like "yeah whatever" and it's really pissing me off. I know you all encourage me but how do you deal with the naysayers? The people that just scoff? Should I just write them off of my life completely?

Perhaps it's just me and my antisocial tendencies, but hell yeah. Dump those losers. You don't need that negativity.

How much of that quitting was due to them, I wonder? No support at all if you try to get healthy, but first to come round when you give up and crack open the beers? It's damned tough bettering yourself without support, but it's positively evil when you have people around you sabotaging your efforts. The best analogy I've heard is being in a trench in the first world war; any efforts to stand up straight will get your head blown off. Not that your friends are deliberately trying to put you down (it would be easier if they were!) - it's all friendly fire. It still hurts.

If you can't ditch them entirely, limit your exposure. Make sure you have plenty of positive support - here on NF is good, and your lady friend is even better (us nerds rock, but the effect is muted by internet communication). Most of all, make sure you support yourself. Measure your improvements, make lists of goals, see the progress you're making. Treat yourself now and again. You might even turn around some of those old friends of yours and show them what a positive attitude and a f**kton of determination can do.

[Guest Snake McClain]

Actions speak louder than words, let them figure it out once you're done.

I like this idea but they piss me off so much i dont really want them to be around for the celebration once I've won the war. so to speak.

Perhaps it's just me and my antisocial tendencies, but hell yeah. Dump those losers. You don't need that negativity.

How much of that quitting was due to them, I wonder? No support at all if you try to get healthy, but first to come round when you give up and crack open the beers? It's damned tough bettering yourself without support, but it's positively evil when you have people around you sabotaging your efforts. The best analogy I've heard is being in a trench in the first world war; any efforts to stand up straight will get your head blown off. Not that your friends are deliberately trying to put you down (it would be easier if they were!) - it's all friendly fire. It still hurts.

If you can't ditch them entirely, limit your exposure. Make sure you have plenty of positive support - here on NF is good, and your lady friend is even better (us nerds rock, but the effect is muted by internet communication). Most of all, make sure you support yourself. Measure your improvements, make lists of goals, see the progress you're making. Treat yourself now and again. You might even turn around some of those old friends of yours and show them what a positive attitude and a f**kton of determination can do.

I really agree with this. i want to cut them off and out. They have not been supportive in anything ever. And I have made my list of goals. I have 7 goals listed (8 if you count "revise list as needed) and each goal has steps underneath to take to achieve them. I just finished my list a bit ago. It is simple but important. i made sure only to list the things that matter to me TRULY. I would be happy to list them here but a few of them are personal and...sort of between me and me. The rest are things i could list but I don't know...

this just brought an idea to me. i would love for us all to team or partner up. And get accountability partners for our goals in life. If others have any. We could skype or call or email eachother and say, "hey i know you were really wanting to work on point number 7) write a book/comic. How are you doing on that? spending enough time to be effective?" The only way this would work of course is if we had enough respect for the our AP that we would actually give a shit if they were disappointed in us.

anyway just an idea.

I think I'm going to keep some solid real distance between myself and these 'friends" of mine who are completely disengaged from me and my goals in life. Pretty sad it has to come to this but I guess it's true what they say, "just because we grew up together doesn't make us friends."

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

I think I'm going to keep some solid real distance between myself and these 'friends" of mine who are completely disengaged from me and my goals in life. Pretty sad it has to come to this but I guess it's true what they say, "just because we grew up together doesn't make us friends."

I'm getting toward this point with some of my friends, one specifically. Whenever I start talking about wokring out he finds a way to make it into a joke. Yeah, whenever anyone says something hurts or they're physcially weaker than they want, I tell them that squats will fix that, or I give them other advice. He then starts mocking whatever advise I give. This is also the guy who gets on me for turning down food or beer because I'm hitting my calorie limit for the day.

He's in much better shape, as the typical person sees it, and has never had to work for it until the past few years. Even then he spends half the time working out that I do and eats twice as much, and that's all he has to do to stay in shape. I think that's why he probably finds it easy to mock me, because of my weight. The weight hasn't really been an issue for me the last year or so because I know I'm strong and a bit conditioned, though I'm working on it, but the problem is the typical stereotype of what is fit in America doesn't lead people to think I'm in the same shape that I think I'm in. And I want that, I want people to see me like I see me.

That's getting off topic though. Because this dude is like this, I really don't care to hang out with him as much as I used to, and he's one of my best friends. Add onto that the issue that hanging out with him typically requires drinking or he's a stick in the mud makes it even harder.

I once saw a statistic that the average person changes friend groups every 8-10 years because people change. You change and your friends change and eventually you just don't mesh anymore and so you find new people you do mesh with. I think it's legit. It happened to me going from high school to college and now it seems to be happening a bit again, you guys being the group I'm going toward, not having the opportunity to find people I identify with in real life right now since work rules all and not having to put myself in new social situations.

[Guest Snake McClain]

Add onto that the issue that hanging out with him typically requires drinking or he's a stick in the mud makes it even harder.

I once saw a statistic that the average person changes friend groups every 8-10 years because people change. You change and your friends change and eventually you just don't mesh anymore and so you find new people you do mesh with. I think it's legit. It happened to me going from high school to college and now it seems to be happening a bit again, you guys being the group I'm going toward, not having the opportunity to find people I identify with in real life right now since work rules all and not having to put myself in new social situations.

This is so much like my friends. They don't really do anything. they just want to sit around and drink or watch tv. They have terrible personal relationships in general and they choose to judge me for my decisions in all aspects of my life. I really don't understand it. I have never seen this 8-10 year friend change thing. I guess it makes sense. it has not happened to me though. I've had the same friends since i was a kid. I absolutely agree though. people change. I have changed tremendously and the reality is I don't really relate to them at all any more on many levels. Hardly any at all. Interests are different now completely. Personalities and views on life are drastically different. I guess at this point I should just separate and move on from them. And prove them wrong but busting ass and getting what i need done.

Sorry you have to deal with your "friend" like that. that is one thing I have never understood. I have always been accepting of people unless they were doing something that was truly damaging to themselves or others. I just don't get why people have to judge or demean each other just to...what? express an opinion? bring someone down maybe? I just don't understand it at all.

[Tocho]

My class is turning me into a full-time misanthropist... Fortunately I'll graduate in 8 months. But I have no idea what to do after that. I don't know whether I should 1) travel for a while 2) work for a while or 3) attend university immediately. Going to university most likely would mean moving to a new city, possibly a new country.

I don't really have any friends, so moving to someplace else wouldn't be too much of a problem, socially. I kind of want to just pack a bag and get out of here for as long as possible; but I'm not sure if that's possible. I don't have enough money.

8 months may sound like a lot of time, but it isn't. Anyone have any advice on what's best to do after graduating? (I'll be 19 and a few months in 8 months).

Or just a story of what you did - and whether you regretted it or not, etc.

[Guest Snake McClain]

My class is turning me into a full-time misanthropist... Fortunately I'll graduate in 8 months. But I have no idea what to do after that. I don't know whether I should 1) travel for a while 2) work for a while or 3) attend university immediately. Going to university most likely would mean moving to a new city, possibly a new country.

I don't really have any friends, so moving to someplace else wouldn't be too much of a problem, socially. I kind of want to just pack a bag and get out of here for as long as possible; but I'm not sure if that's possible. I don't have enough money.

8 months may sound like a lot of time, but it isn't. Anyone have any advice on what's best to do after graduating? (I'll be 19 and a few months in 8 months).

Or just a story of what you did - and whether you regretted it or not, etc.

Go for the adventure. Travel as you can. somehow. find a way. I think it would be a beautiful experience. I never had the opportunity and i wish i had. I would love to.

[KillerGriller]

Corey & Snake this harkens me back about 10 years. The group I considered my best friends were awesome, or so I thought but I eventually realized that they didn't do ANYTHING but watch wrestling, play games, watch movies, play videogames (all of which are fine in moderation), and essentially NEVER LEAVE THE BASEMENT. And the were unsupportive to any outside interests or activites you may have as a point of pride. We were super harsh with each other on purpose, that was part of the group "thing" and I was certainly as bad as the next guy, but I eventually realized that it was time to move on. I was driving home several weekends a month just to see these guys and they made it seem like they were doing me a favour, whatever, I just started finding reasons not to come home anymore. Sure I was harassed and mocked, but I had ot cut that cancer out of my life. And you know what? I was immediately better off for it. I still talk to some of them here and there, everyone moved on at their own pace, but they are all still really close. I miss the feeling of being part of a group that tight, but the price wasn't worth it.

Also, I've talked to quite a few of my current friends on this topic and it seems like it's a pretty common thing in your mid 20's. Trim the fat and move on with your life. If any of them want to continue being your friend, then they can put in the effort.

[KillerGriller]

My class is turning me into a full-time misanthropist... Fortunately I'll graduate in 8 months. But I have no idea what to do after that. I don't know whether I should 1) travel for a while 2) work for a while or 3) attend university immediately. Going to university most likely would mean moving to a new city, possibly a new country.

I don't really have any friends, so moving to someplace else wouldn't be too much of a problem, socially. I kind of want to just pack a bag and get out of here for as long as possible; but I'm not sure if that's possible. I don't have enough money.

8 months may sound like a lot of time, but it isn't. Anyone have any advice on what's best to do after graduating? (I'll be 19 and a few months in 8 months).

Or just a story of what you did - and whether you regretted it or not, etc.

Depends on your personality and maturity level. Do you need the structure of home and a job for a year to figure out what you want to do? Are you self-reliant enough travel and get the most out of it (i.e. - not just piss your money away on an extended booze bender)? Are you super motivated to achieve a goal like a degree?

[BarefootDawsy]

Also, I've talked to quite a few of my current friends on this topic and it seems like it's a pretty common thing in your mid 20's. Trim the fat and move on with your life. If any of them want to continue being your friend, then they can put in the effort.

Yep it's very common...part of growing up. It can hurt and suck, but you need friends who want you to better yourself, not bring you down. Also don't be afraid to pursue your interests. There are always a million reasons NOT to do something, but later in life you'll regret not doing things that you could have done.

[Guest Snake McClain]

Corey & Snake this harkens me back about 10 years. The group I considered my best friends were awesome, or so I thought but I eventually realized that they didn't do ANYTHING but watch wrestling, play games, watch movies, play videogames (all of which are fine in moderation), and essentially NEVER LEAVE THE BASEMENT. And the were unsupportive to any outside interests or activites you may have as a point of pride. We were super harsh with each other on purpose, that was part of the group "thing" and I was certainly as bad as the next guy, but I eventually realized that it was time to move on. I was driving home several weekends a month just to see these guys and they made it seem like they were doing me a favour, whatever, I just started finding reasons not to come home anymore. Sure I was harassed and mocked, but I had ot cut that cancer out of my life. And you know what? I was immediately better off for it. I still talk to some of them here and there, everyone moved on at their own pace, but they are all still really close. I miss the feeling of being part of a group that tight, but the price wasn't worth it.

Also, I've talked to quite a few of my current friends on this topic and it seems like it's a pretty common thing in your mid 20's. Trim the fat and move on with your life. If any of them want to continue being your friend, then they can put in the effort.

I agree completely. This sounds EXACTLY like those friends. This is how they act. All they do is watc tv/wrestling or play video games. And drink. That's it. Oh and they argue all the time. about stupid pointless shit. It gets old. I'm ready to move forward.

Trim the fat and move on. i like that.

[Jcannon98188]

And my...well my former former-lady friend (yes we are getting back together)

Didn't you move to Arizona? Also, at the risk of overstepping my bounds, is this such a good idea? Im just thinking of a few weeks ago when you were ready to quit everything over this girl. I would hate for it to happen again :-/

[Jcannon98188]

My class is turning me into a full-time misanthropist... Fortunately I'll graduate in 8 months. But I have no idea what to do after that. I don't know whether I should 1) travel for a while 2) work for a while or 3) attend university immediately. Going to university most likely would mean moving to a new city, possibly a new country.

I don't really have any friends, so moving to someplace else wouldn't be too much of a problem, socially. I kind of want to just pack a bag and get out of here for as long as possible; but I'm not sure if that's possible. I don't have enough money.

8 months may sound like a lot of time, but it isn't. Anyone have any advice on what's best to do after graduating? (I'll be 19 and a few months in 8 months).

Or just a story of what you did - and whether you regretted it or not, etc.

What I did? I did nothing. Do I regret it? Yes.

[Denny]

My class is turning me into a full-time misanthropist... Fortunately I'll graduate in 8 months. But I have no idea what to do after that. I don't know whether I should 1) travel for a while 2) work for a while or 3) attend university immediately. Going to university most likely would mean moving to a new city, possibly a new country.

I don't really have any friends, so moving to someplace else wouldn't be too much of a problem, socially. I kind of want to just pack a bag and get out of here for as long as possible; but I'm not sure if that's possible. I don't have enough money.

8 months may sound like a lot of time, but it isn't. Anyone have any advice on what's best to do after graduating? (I'll be 19 and a few months in 8 months).

Or just a story of what you did - and whether you regretted it or not, etc.

If you consider university I recommend you go for what sounds fun, not what brings you the best education on paper. (to a certain degree of course) I also highly recommend you visit the city of the university and get to know it, before you apply and decide to study there for three or five years.

Ask yourself what you like doing, then try to pick a program that fits your interests. If you ever consider Linköping/Norrköping, give me a shout and I'll brief you about it.

[161803398874989]

Actions speak louder than words, let them figure it out once you're done.

QFT.

Thanks for the nice words, guys.

[Tocho]

Go for the adventure. Travel as you can. somehow. find a way. I think it would be a beautiful experience. I never had the opportunity and i wish i had. I would love to.

Yeah. Right now I'm leaning towards that option, if I can somehow get enough money for it.

How much money would I even need for travelling? I'm thinking $700/month or so when backpacking through South America but I don't know if that's too much, or too little.

Depends on your personality and maturity level. Do you need the structure of home and a job for a year to figure out what you want to do? Are you self-reliant enough travel and get the most out of it (i.e. - not just piss your money away on an extended booze bender)? Are you super motivated to achieve a goal like a degree?

I'd like to think I'm mature. I don't need the structure of a home (don't really have one to be honest; yes I live somewhere, but it's not a 'home' to me). I'm very cautious with money (because of past events in my life), and I don't even drink alcohol - wasting money on it is an impossibility. And yes, I'm pretty sure I'm self-reliant enough to travel by myself and get the most out of it. And motivated... well, I would be; if I knew what I wanted to do.

What I did? I did nothing. Do I regret it? Yes.

Thanks. Makes me realise I probably should do it, so 30 years later I can't say "What if..."

If you consider university I recommend you go for what sounds fun, not what brings you the best education on paper. (to a certain degree of course) I also highly recommend you visit the city of the university and get to know it, before you apply and decide to study there for three or five years.

Ask yourself what you like doing, then try to pick a program that fits your interests. If you ever consider Linköping/Norrköping, give me a shout and I'll brief you about it.

Thanks. I'm somewhat certain that I want to work with something that has to do with languages... Maybe translator and/or interpreter. But I don't know - all I know is I don't want to be a teacher.

[KillerGriller]

Me with a Fedora

I found this today via Married to the Sea

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Didn't you move to Arizona? Also, at the risk of overstepping my bounds, is this such a good idea? Im just thinking of a few weeks ago when you were ready to quit everything over this girl. I would hate for it to happen again :-/

Snake, I'm going to have to chime in with Cannon on this one. I read the whole entire first thread before starting to post, and I've watched you relate to this girl through the second thread as well. She's got issues dude, and I don't think she's trying to be cruel, but I'm worried that the next time you start to get close she'll freak and go back to her ex again. I would seriously consider Phoenix. Looking in from the outside, I'm seeing a pretty painful pattern.

[Loren Wade]

Now I have a question to the men. So previously (until the past year and a half) I have been known as a quitter. I quit at everything once it got tough or seemed challenging. Now I'm really doing my best to stop that mentality. I'm busting ass at all I apply myself to. I have a few Ideas for some new art projects I can work on and I am excited to try my hand at it. As well as writing. And my...well my former former-lady friend (yes we are getting back together), has gone out of her way and surprised me by buying my personal fitness training and theory textbook for my certification. Awesome. But here is the thing. Of ALL the people I know she is one of a few who believe in me. Because she didn't know the OLD me. All of my old friends are sort of like "yeah whatever" and it's really pissing me off. I know you all encourage me but how do you deal with the naysayers? The people that just scoff? Should I just write them off of my life completely? Let them wallow in my absence? Or do I hang with them like normal and just not mention the things I'm doing and let them figure it out once I'm done?

Man counsel, how would YOU handle this?

Dude... Everyday I realize more and more that we're so much alike. I mean, you just totally described me.

I deal with them by not feeding them. Do what you're called to do and use it as fuel to prove them wrong.

Didn't you move to Arizona? Also, at the risk of overstepping my bounds, is this such a good idea? Im just thinking of a few weeks ago when you were ready to quit everything over this girl. I would hate for it to happen again :-/

Let me just say this. I have a bit more insight about what's going on than most on NF right now about this. Hope that saying this is okay, Bruceski, but this is a good idea. He loves her and wants to have a real chance with her. He's fighting for her like any knight in shining armor should. I'm actually proud of him for making this decision because it wasn't easy. I didn't even encourage him to do it. Any time he asked my opinion, I just told him he needs to follow his heart and do what he thinks is right.

And I believe he made the right choice. Even if they don't end up together in the end for some reason, which I hope they do with every fiber of my being, then I will still defend this decision.

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

Sorry you have to deal with your "friend" like that. that is one thing I have never understood. I have always been accepting of people unless they were doing something that was truly damaging to themselves or others. I just don't get why people have to judge or demean each other just to...what? express an opinion? bring someone down maybe? I just don't understand it at all.

And I'm the same way. If what the do isn't hurting anyone or themselves, do whatever makes y9ou happy and I'll support you.

Also, I've talked to quite a few of my current friends on this topic and it seems like it's a pretty common thing in your mid 20's. Trim the fat and move on with your life. If any of them want to continue being your friend, then they can put in the effort.

This is also a good point. My wife and I moved 2 hours away after school and we drove home about 3 weekends a month for the past 3 years to hang with friends and family. I think over the 3 years we got visited at home 4-5 times by friends total. Yeah, we moved away so it was on us to visit, but they put in very little effort to come to us. Our new house is 40-60 min away from them and we don't plan on driving back to them anywhere near as much, so we'll see if it changes. If they don't put in the effort, the friendships will just dwindle. It already happened with my best friend from being a kid when we went to college.

And Snake, did you make her earn it at all? If this chick keeps blowing you off for various reasons, you can't just let her come back and pick up again or she'll just keep ditching you whenever there's the smallest obstacle or reason because she knows she can just come back. One of the best things my wife ever did was when we broke up briefly in college, she told me if I ever did it again we were never getting back together. She would not allow me to make her feel that way or do that to her, because if I did, I really didn't give a shit. It rung true and those words kept us together through some hard parts over the next few years.

edit:

Let me just say this. I have a bit more insight about what's going on than most on NF right now about this. Hope that saying this is okay, Bruceski, but this is a good idea. He loves her and wants to have a real chance with her. He's fighting for her like any knight in shining armor should. I'm actually proud of him for making this decision because it wasn't easy. I didn't even encourage him to do it. Any time he asked my opinion, I just told him he needs to follow his heart and do what he thinks is right.

And I believe he made the right choice. Even if they don't end up together in the end for some reason, which I hope they do with every fiber of my being, then I will still defend this decision.

But is she fighting for him? From what Bruce has posted it sure as hell doesn't seem like it.

[progress126]

Snake, as the Fresh Prince of Bell Air (ok, it was Will Smith) once said:

If you are absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success.

And good on you for going after what your heart desires. Wherever this may lead you, know that you will be a better man because of it!

[Guest Snake McClain]

Didn't you move to Arizona? Also, at the risk of overstepping my bounds, is this such a good idea? Im just thinking of a few weeks ago when you were ready to quit everything over this girl. I would hate for it to happen again :-/

Snake, I'm going to have to chime in with Cannon on this one. I read the whole entire first thread before starting to post, and I've watched you relate to this girl through the second thread as well. She's got issues dude, and I don't think she's trying to be cruel, but I'm worried that the next time you start to get close she'll freak and go back to her ex again. I would seriously consider Phoenix. Looking in from the outside, I'm seeing a pretty painful pattern.

oh how things have changed. One of those things is my general attitude towards it. I moved here to phoenix with Sir Loren of Wade, and the first couple days were tough, but then I realized, "hey..i am totally going to be fine without her. I miss her and her son, and this sucks, but I'll be fine. Now what were those plans and things i wanted to do with myself that didn't involve her? OH yes let's keep doing those things." and then...well she started talking to me every day. Even when she said she needed time to be left alone i would agree and the next day she'd chime in saying she'd made the wrong choice, missed me, etc... All the while I'm discussing with mr and mrs wade that I'm not sure I'd go back. I just didn't know if I would want to do it. Regardless of my feelings for her. So my perspective on the dynamic of her and I changed. If we were to get back together then some things needed to happen on HER end....(to be described below under COREY D's comment)

Dude... Everyday I realize more and more that we're so much alike. I mean, you just totally described me.

I deal with them by not feeding them. Do what you're called to do and use it as fuel to prove them wrong.

Let me just say this. I have a bit more insight about what's going on than most on NF right now about this. Hope that saying this is okay, Bruceski, but this is a good idea. He loves her and wants to have a real chance with her. He's fighting for her like any knight in shining armor should. I'm actually proud of him for making this decision because it wasn't easy. I didn't even encourage him to do it. Any time he asked my opinion, I just told him he needs to follow his heart and do what he thinks is right.

And I believe he made the right choice. Even if they don't end up together in the end for some reason, which I hope they do with every fiber of my being, then I will still defend this decision.

I can't thank you enough for being supportive and helping me work this decision out. Your friendship has been invaluable to me. I can honestly say that. As well she thanks you to...because she wants me back and if you hadn't been supportive of me doing what I felt I should then she probably wouldn't have a chance to see me again.

And I'm the same way. If what the do isn't hurting anyone or themselves, do whatever makes you happy and I'll support you.

This is also a good point. My wife and I moved 2 hours away after school and we drove home about 3 weekends a month for the past 3 years to hang with friends and family. I think over the 3 years we got visited at home 4-5 times by friends total. Yeah, we moved away so it was on us to visit, but they put in very little effort to come to us. Our new house is 40-60 min away from them and we don't plan on driving back to them anywhere near as much, so we'll see if it changes. If they don't put in the effort, the friendships will just dwindle. It already happened with my best friend from being a kid when we went to college.

And Snake, did you make her earn it at all? If this chick keeps blowing you off for various reasons, you can't just let her come back and pick up again or she'll just keep ditching you whenever there's the smallest obstacle or reason because she knows she can just come back. One of the best things my wife ever did was when we broke up briefly in college, she told me if I ever did it again we were never getting back together. She would not allow me to make her feel that way or do that to her, because if I did, I really didn't give a shit. It rung true and those words kept us together through some hard parts over the next few years.

edit:

But is she fighting for him? From what Bruce has posted it sure as hell doesn't seem like it.

I'll say I told her there were 3 things she needed to do for me to know I could trust her. What I didn't know was two of these things she had already done before I asked, because she knew those were things that would be in the way of us. The other thing when I asked she said, "absolutely. It's a no brainer." So let me say she has made her steps to come to me. There are a few other things that are sort of personal between her and I that we discussed and she has come through or will be on those as well. So...at this point we are fighting for eachother. To have a relationship together. It isn't all one sided. And I know now my perspective is going to be to do LESS. Not to try so hard. Because it was just exhausting and even when i knew it wasn't "right" (like you can just feel when it is too much) I did it anyway. I wasn't using the force if you get me. Now I am. I learned some important lessons the first round with her and I'm not going to make those same mistakes again. As well did she.

Oh and about her ex one of the stipulations I mentioned was that he is gone from her life period. no more contact at all. She said (and she had personal reasons for this as well not just that she wanted me back) she had already told him they were done, blocked his number and email. They are through.

I believe this whole thing came down to this: She needed to get him out of her head/life so she could move on with me/whoever it is she will be with long term. I needed to have this separation and move in order to realize I am in control of my life and I dictate my happiness and that it is not dictated by how good of a day she and i are having. I'm in control of my reality and she is along for the ride with me. If that makes sense.

Snake, as the Fresh Prince of Bell Air (ok, it was Will Smith) once said:

If you are absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success.

And good on you for going after what your heart desires. Wherever this may lead you, know that you will be a better man because of it!

This. All of it. I love that Will Smith quote. I'm very excited to see where this takes us.

[KillerGriller]

I don't Bruce, I'm with Corey on this. You are willing to jump in with both feet (it's your nature, nothing wrong with that) and she hasn't (up until now according to your last post) done much of anything but dodge, evade, and be generally distant. Only you know what she's said, and what you've conveyed to us sounds great, but I worry about what will happen the next time the seas get stormy? I've dated a few girls that behaved the same way, and when ever things got less than easy the relationship broke down. We'd all hate to see you swap your life around again and then hear about her having another bout of "I don't know what I want"itis in a month.

You can pursue what your heart wants, but in relationships you need 2 ingrained, like-minded, mutually invested partner or it simply doesn't work.

I'm not saying don't do it, again only you know the whole story, but my radar is going off from what you've told us.

[Loren Wade]

But is she fighting for him? From what Bruce has posted it sure as hell doesn't seem like it.

Does it matter?

Think about this. If you fall in love with a woman and you think you're perfect for each other and she makes a dumb decision to go after someone else, do you let her go or do you fight to win her over?

I used to be the guy that would let we go. Today I'm the guy that would fight to get her back.

You can't always just give up. You have to fight for what you love.