Do you have more self-esteem when single?

[Zima]

Because I sure as hell don't.

The reason I ask is this - http://philolzophy.tumblr.com/post/12533755181/pros-and-cons-of-being-single

- Magically find yourself to be in possession of this mysterious object called “self-esteemâ€

I know philolzophy is meant to be a joke, and the target audience is strictly female, but there is truth to it, and this one particular thing made me wonder...do women actually have higher self-esteem when they're single?

I'm willing to bet that it's the opposite for guys. I also don't think it's true for all women.

What's it like for you? Higher self-esteem? Lower? The same? Why? Don't forget to specify your gender!

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

I'm a dude. I've been in situations where I've had lower self esteem in relationships and that gave me higher self esteem. The ones where it was lower self esteem I was constantly critisezed or beat down in the relationship and I'm very thankful those ended. Those where my partner supported the things I like and do and complemented me and made me feel good about myself, leading to higher self esteem. If a relationship you're in makes you feel worse about yourself, you need to run the hell away from it.

[Awesome]

Why would you think it was the opposite for guys? I have way more self esteem single. then again, I wasn't in a good relationship, so I'm not one to judge.

But I know a few women on facebook who, when single, post statuses like "why will no one ever love me," and "the universe hates me," and when in a relationship have updates like "everything in my life is going right," and "I'm the luckiest person ever," like regular sex (or the lack thereof) impacts the universe's feelings towards you.

If you don't have self-esteem single, you won't have it in a relationship. You have to love yourself first, IMO.

[Raikas]

I'm willing to bet that it's the opposite for guys. I also don't think it's true for all women.

Well, nothing is true universally, so of course it's not true for "all women". That said, I think it works regardless for gender if your last relationship was a bad one. And (in general) if you're looking at a "good things about being single" page then you're probably newly and suddenly single. And if you're newly and suddenly single then the chances are good that your last relationship was flawed (since if your last relationship was perfect the assumption is that you'd still be in it).

The humour is supposed to make people feel better by reminding them of those flaws. As far as gender differences, I think it feels more female because women are trained to overthink relationship issues more than men are more than because women feel crappier in relationships overall (although I seem to remember reading that married men live longer than single men while single women live longer than married ones, so maybe there's some truth there...).

And obviously the joke doesn't apply to people (regardless of gender) who are non-suddenly single (or who had a pleasant break up) or widowed or who just haven't had a relationship in 20 years, etc.

[rtalencar]

If you're in a relationship that is lowering your self-esteem, either the nature of the relationship needs to change or you should strongly consider gtfo of dodge.

[Zima]

So from what I understand...you guys are saying that this is only true when people are in a BAD relationship where your partner makes you feel bad about yourself?

I suppose that makes sense. I didn't think of that because my current relationship is just fine, and no girl I've been with has never made me feel bad about myself in a relationship.

What's interesting is, if this is true, and assuming single -> self-esteem is true for a good portion of the readers of philolzophy...then a good portion of girls, and apparently some guys, frequently get involved in unhealthy relationships that damage self-esteem.

My personal reasoning prior to this would've been different. As a female, you get approached by guys consistently, reminding you that you are a desirable human being. As a male, you do the approaching, and get rejected consistently, reminding you that you are not particularly desirable except for when you don't get rejected - OR you don't do the approaching, and nothing happens, reminding you that you are not that desirable because you're alone and your ex likely is not - unless someone you're interested in approaches you first, which is much less common. Where this reasoning is flawed is as a female you get approached regardless of whether you're single or not. The only thing that's different about being single is you might pursue something with someone who approached you. But that would mean that for women, getting involved with new men -> self-esteem, and being involved with significant other -> less self-esteem. Hopefully this is false for most people, so my logic is wrong - and what you guys suggest is more reasonable. The question then is why do people get involved in such unhealthy relationships? But I guess that's a whole different subject.

[Raincloak]

I think relationships have a tendency to exaggerate whatever your self esteem is currently set to. If it's low, you'll wind up with someone who makes you feel low. If it's too high, you'll wind up with someone who supports your narcissism.

In a free market, people attract the kind of partner they want/expect, and people with unhealthy self esteem will attract unhealthy relationships. Furthermore, anyone who gets into a relationship with you has some interest in maintaining your status quo, whether it's good or bad. If you change, your partner will resist.

Which is why you shouldn't date when you are emotionally unsound; it'll just make things worse. People should stay single until they're ready for the challenge of dating, not look for a partner who will solve their problems.

[TheSavageBean]

Pros and cons of being single, guy edition

Pros:

• Watching sports with the guys isn't an issue of diplomacy
  
• Can be friends with girls without "emotionally cheating"
  
• Noone to remind you of stuff you don't want to do
  
• Pad can be as messy as you want.
  
• Don't have to remember anyone's birthdays
  
• Eating out suddenly becomes 1/2 as expensive
  
• Don't have to lose valuable sleep listening to problems.
  

Cons:

• Noone around to clean up your stuff
  
• Have to cook for yourself
  
• No convenient easily beatable second player for Mario kart
  
• Friends/relatives think you're gay
  
• Having to recite the lame "get to know you" questions on a date you have no interest in.
  
• Losing friends to their "Honey-sweety-sugar-bear"
  

If you have self-esteem problems then those issues are within the self. Relationship status should have nothing to do with it. To answer the questions, I'm a guy, 25, been in a handful of relationships. My self esteem was lowest when I was in my most supportive relationship, it got bolstered in my craziest relationship and then tanked until my weirdest relationship came along. My weirdest relationship lasted a while and I started to feel /really/ good about myself. Then it tanked again in my most destructive relationship. I've actually built it back up from being single. I realised I had to do it myself and I was too old now to screw around thinking I'm worthless.

I still get depressive fits but that's mostly related to performance anxiety with PhD and has little to do with how attractive I think I am.

[QuinnFerno]

I ****ing LOVE being single! And yes, this may be slightly off-topic since I am talking happiness rather than self-esteem, I just really wanted to snag the opportunity to put that out there at a time other than Valentine's Day so hopefully people wouldn't just look upon me with pity.

I put my love life on hold for a really long time pursuing study, career etc, and recently started dating a guy (I've since broken up with). I was getting to a low point in my self esteem being single for a long time before this, wondering what the hell was wrong with me in that guys could ogle me and wink at me etc and never bother to actually ask me out, and all my friends were in relationships. Then I was with this guy, I was attracted to him, he seemed to be reading out of the 'good boyfriend book' and doing and saying all the right things, but holy shpadoinkle I missed my independence. He wanted to take up every spare minute of my time (dude, I have to do my laundry and walk my dog SOMETIME - and forget working out apparently), it was expensive going out all the time (though he did pay for most of it, which actually annoyed the hell out of me but that's another story), and he was trying to stop me being vegetarian. I also compromised a lot going to all the things he was interested in (and that to me is a big compromise when it means driving over 5 hours to see a REGGAE concert! omg). And he was so serious all the time, it was no fun at all. I was glad I was able to figure out on my own that I really didn't want to be with him while I thought he was a great guy, before I found out he was a giant liar and really was playing me with all the tips and tricks he must have picked up from previous dating experiences.

I'm not sure where this has left my self esteem, other than having the knowledge that (all things included) there's nothing I can get from a relationship that I actually want or need, even when the person I'm with is being (or pretending to be) a model boyfriend. I hope that means I live a pretty full life (and doesn't just make me look selfish - because I don't think I handle non-romantic relationships in my life in a selfish way at all really). So if I was going to use outward things to base my self esteem on, I guess instead of using the status of having a boyfriend to base it on, I'll just have to base it on looking hot and turning heads. Since in my situation that promotes a healthier lifestyle (working out and eating well, the way I want to), I'm cool with that

[rtalencar]

Forgot to add this in (mostly because I find it hilarious)

B****es need to stop blaming all your problems on us. Stop tellin' a n****,"You f***ed up my self-esteem". B**** it's called SELF-ESTEEM! It's esteem of your mothaf***in' self. How am I gonna f*** up how you feel about YOU simple b****?

There is merit to self esteem issues being the responsibility of the person themselves (i.e. you shouldn't need another person to make you feel good about yourself), but I really think any relationship that is directly impacting your self esteem in a negative way is a bad one. If you're going to be with someone, although they don't necessarily have to fix all your problems, they damn sure shouldn't be making you feel like crap about yourself. Perhaps it's a bit of a hard-line stance on the subject, but I think that type of relationship is emotionally abusive (obviously there are levels to this).

Self-esteem isn't just about feeling desired. Plenty of beautiful people have crap self-esteem, and plenty of not so beautiful people (Like me! Cause b**** I'm fabulous! =P) have high self-esteem. There's so much more to it than getting hit on at bars.

Break-ups and such do wonky things to people, ultimately they accept it though and move on. Your self-esteem can also follow suit during the process. And though it might temporarily get worse before it gets better, if a relationship is directly affecting your self-esteem in a negative way, there's something wrong there.

[Lefeux]

I have to say that single, I had pretty good self esteem. I knew who I was, what I could do, and how I could interract with people. Then of course you meet someone that makes you trip all over yourself and feel like a complete fool. (on a side note the rejection of the opposite sex sucked)

As a happily married guy, though, I find that I am more laid back and at ease with myself and my situation in life, which leads to more self confidence. Outside of romantic relationships, I was always pretty confident in myself anyways.

[LRB]

Haven't been single since I was an insecure teenager (met my one true love -- now husband -- at age 19) and I'm now almost 42. So I'd say I have better self esteem in a relationship than I did when I was single - but I don't know that I'd attribute it to being in the relationship.

[Razor]

I honestly think something as delicate as the human psyche is completely circumstantial. There is no way to generalize or categorize how certain people feel about themselves.

It's a case by case basis. Making it more specific, such as "people exiting poor relationships" or "people who have tried to create a relationship and failed" are much better situations to apply the terms.

Self-esteem is also relative. Somebody who is experiencing high self-esteem today could be having the exact same thoughts as you or in about the same mood. But if you have a higher threshold for happiness or confidence, then their high self esteem could be your low self-esteem.

And to move past my killjoy left-side thinking points, and give some anecdotal input, I tend to have higher self-esteem when exiting a relationship (good or bad) or the time that I tried to start a relationship and got rejected (go figure). I tend to have poorest self-esteem when things have been the same for a while, either in a relationship or single. The less things change, the less good I feel about myself. But the more dynamic things are with the opposite sex, the better I seem to feel. Currently been single for a good amount of months (like 7) and starting to feel that "Welp" feeling I get after a season or two. Got a date on sunday though.