Challenge Me--Help Me Overcome My Fear of People!

[HandSewnMama]

I figured this was the spot to put this; let me know if somewhere else would be appropriate.

 

As some of you (probably those of you who have read my challenge thread) may know, I am home on leave from my college due to psychological issues, primarily a fear of people and social anxiety. This is holding me back from leveling up my life, and I'm looking to change that.

 

So, I would like to ask you to challenge me! I need little things to do, that would take anywhere from a few seconds to 15 minutes or so, and perhaps even some longer ones, to help me get used to being around people and stop being afraid of anyone who's not a good friend of mine. I'm going to assign points to each, based on how difficult the task is for me (on the particular day that I do it, since one day I might be paralyzed from even going outside and another day I might be able to handle anything). I'd love a long list, with a wide variety of difficulty levels, so that as I improve over time or fluctuate on a daily basis, I can do difficult (act like a crazy person in public or talk to a lot of strangers, for instance) or easy (on days that I want to curl up and hide, maybe walking to the mailbox and back will get me points) tasks that will all help me get better over time. As for where these challenges can take place, I have my neighborhood, local parks, grocery stores and the mall.

 

So, mini quests await me! I'll keep track of the points I get in my signature. Thank you!

[ColbyWan]

As someone who is working on overcoming the same thing. My first step was to eat out by myself. (I chose denny's for breakfast). Then I made it a habit of going to the mall and doing laps at least once a week (I always do it tuesdays or wednesdays). I found this opens other possibilities for me. I've challenged myself to flirt with one of the waitresses (who quit her job so I can't keep doing that :/ ) And finally, I just responded to a post the other day on these forums that was looking for D&D players and just had breakfast with complete strangers sunday. I guess in list form...

1.)Eat out by self
2.)Make a habit of going out in public (maybe go to your mall on a day of the week for a month straight)
3.)Ask someone new to hang out (I'd recommend these forums, ask for people in your area)
4.)Keep being awesome
5.)Sign up for a local class or activity (cooking, music, etc, whatever interests you)

You can do this!

[marybelle]

Hi! First of all, I would like to compliment you on how brave you are to even address this issue in a public forum. You should get a point right there! Seriously though, that is a big deal. I 100% know what you are going through. In fact, I took a year off of school for that very same reason. Mine came from surviving a violent crime, so I found a really good therapist who deals with stuff like that all the time. Your social anxiety is probably not from that, but finding a therapist might a good idea anyway. Plus, just getting out and going to your appointments can be a weekly goal. I know before I went to my my first appt. I hid behind a desk for an hour, and was late because I was terrified to go. Just going was a big step. A big help for my was joining a support group through my therapist, and that helped me make new friends, and approach new people. Depending on your area, that might be a possibility.

 

Other than that, Just go to the mail box, walk your dog, go to the store by yourself. Those are big goals to start with. While you are there if you are feeling up to it, smile at someone or make conversation in the checkout line. You could also arrange an outing with a good friend, someone you are comfortable with, but in an unfamiliar place. Colbywan's suggestion of eating somewhere by yourself is awesome (and mad props to him for doing it!) , though I would rank that as a difficult task (I still have problems with it). It might be helpful to keep a little journal with these goals, and your progress and reflections in it.

 

I am so proud of you already. I know you can do this. Good luck with your goals. If you want any encouragement or to talk to someone who has been there, feel free to message me anytime. 

[FlipFlopGirl]

The first thing I thought of was to smile at someone. Say hi to someone as they pass by when your out. Go to the library or bookstore and find a great spot to read and people watch. Maybe on days where it's a little harder find one of the skype or google hangouts that different groups hold online and try to participate.  Take it one step at a time and remember your doing great.

[Kristen]

I'm in a similar situation--not that I'm afraid of people, I just prefer to be alone most of the time and I often avoid social situations. 

 

In my challenge, I dared myself to do some social things. My object was getting out and having fun, but these are also things one could do alone, but in public, which is often a challenge for me. I don't think I actually have social anxiety--I'm just extremely introverted--so these may be bigger tasks for you than for me, but they are some ideas.

1. go roller skating

2. go hiking/biking on local trails

3. go to movies, shows, concerts, jams (if you play music, it's a great way to socialize without forcing anything), even a sports bar with friends to watch a hockey (or whatever) game, if that's your thing.

4. volunteer

5. go to church, if that's your thing. It's not about meeting people--it's about coming together--but the fellowship is a plus. I didn't intend for it to be a social event for me, but it has helped me learn to be more open with others. 

6. work out at a gym.

[humanperson832]

Echo what other folks have said: it takes some cajones to talk about something like this to near strangers, but you couldn't have picked a better, more supportive place to do it.

 

Small exercise that I came across recently:

 

1. Think of a situation that scares you. In your case, this might be interacting with a new person.

2. Think of the absolute worst possible outcome(s). On one side of a piece of paper, write the outcome. On the other side, write how you can avoid that outcome. You'll see pretty quickly that most of the terrible outcomes can easily be avoided, or at least mitigated. Hopefully this gives you some small comfort, or at the very least a way to self-soothe and/or find a way out if any of these outcomes actually happen.

 

I know that what helped me get over a large part of my social anxiety was having a "buffer" person that I already knew fairly well participating in the conversation with the new person. So, don't be afraid to go out with friends who know your situation and are willing to help you out in this capacity. It also varies from person to person; some people are super easy to talk to, like I've known them forever but I may only have met them a few minutes ago. Some people, not so much. The former do a great job of building up your confidence.

 

Another thing to keep in mind is that building a good sense of self-esteem reeeeeaaaally goes a long way with this type of thing. How are you feeling about yourself? What are some of the things you say to yourself throughout the day? If you're 100% convinced that you are a top-notch human being, you'd be surprised at how people tend to agree with you with little to no work involved.

 

One more thing: the insecurities that are running through your head when talking to people are also more than likely running through their heads as well. Fact. So if nothing else, just know that you are far from alone.

 

Good luck!

[micmac]

Some of the challenges that I have set for myself to help deal with my own anxiety are:

 

• Take the elevator instead of the stairs at least once a day and say "hello" to fellow passengers (as I am the type to take the stairs to avoid people rather than for health reasons)
• At least once a day call instead of sending an email
• Keep my office door open at least 30 minutes straight
• Make eye-contact/small talk, (basically, exchange general pleasantries)

Those are things I attempt on a daily basis. Some bigger challenges are:

• Say "yes" to something (last month it was a lunch with several coworkers.)
• Try something new
• Make plans outside of the house at least once every weekend

Best of luck to you. I know it can be extremely difficult to overcome, but you seem to have a great approach to your problem and a clear goal for overcoming it!

[Sketches]

First I just want to say that I've gone through a similar situation as you.  It can get better but it's a process to be sure.  You've taken a very brave step by posting on here!

As far as things that can help, there have been a lot of really good suggestions. Smiling and saying hi to at least one person a day is good practice for approaching new people.  Also, the going to eat out by yourself is also good but I wanted to expand on it a little if I could. If you're not quite ready to go out completely alone then you could go with a close friend or family member, but agree beforehand that you'll order everyone's meals or maybe be the only one to address the waiter/waitress.  That could be a good buildup to going alone.

 

Finding a church or church group is also a good suggestion. Fellowship with others in a church can generally provide a more easy going environment (depending on denomination) as well as general access to more positive acting people/ understanding people.  The main risk there is that they might be TOO friendly which makes it a tad harder to get away if you need a breather or space to collect yourself.  If you're looking for a safe place to make social mistakes however, those group can be some of the best/least likely to hold it against you.

 

Another method is to be by people you admire/want to be like.  If you have a friend or family member that is particularly good with people then it might be worth spending time with them on your good days and if you trust them then also ask advice.  It's true that you'll become at least a little like the people you surround yourself with.

 

Also, if there are groups of people that you're less uncomfortable around, like maybe kids, you could try and do activities around them.  This helped me a little. Kids weren't as bad as being around people my age/adults. I guess cause they're like people in miniature. As silly as it sounds I figured that if things went south I could take miniature people.  >.>

 

Anywho, that's all I can think of right now.  Good luck! Go get em.

[sumdawgtwigg]

I have the same problem but a few suggestions :

 

1. Just make eye contact with strangers. If only for a second it can help. 

2. Go out by yourself in public places (like others have suggested)

3. Take a class or volunteer

4. Compliment someone briefly that you don't know. 

 

Those have helped me quite a bit. The fourth one has probably gave me the biggest boost. I started out by noticing if someone was wearing a shirt that I liked and commented on it. For example, A girl was wearing a Invader Zim shirt at a local pet store and as I walked by her I said that I liked it, smiled, and kept walking. She seemed to like the compliment, but even if she didn't, I wouldn't of really noticed that much because I did it in passing. 

 

Hope that makes sense and helps you at least a little. 

[Zorch]

I've been through a very similar situation in the past with paralyzing social anxiety(including having to take some time off from school to get things sorted out).  It's tough, and it may be a long process, but you can conquer your fears.

 

From my experience, one thing that can help is if you have a trusted friend who can help pull you into other activities/meet new people.  It may move you outside your comfort zone, but if you have a person or two you know that you can talk to while participating in an activity and meeting other new people, that can be a helpful bridge towards becoming more comfortable around others.

[HandSewnMama]

From my experience, one thing that can help is if you have a trusted friend who can help pull you into other activities/meet new people.  It may move you outside your comfort zone, but if you have a person or two you know that you can talk to while participating in an activity and meeting other new people, that can be a helpful bridge towards becoming more comfortable around others.

 

The problem with that is that I'm currently home from college and all of my old friends are away at school, so I would have to make new friends before I could do that, which defeats most of the purpose.

[Rhyme]

 I was browsing a forum for social anxiety when I came across a really neat post by user Amandurp:

 

Hey dude, I used to be really bad with social anxiety. Like run when someone knocks on the door, can't even order pizza, avoiding eye contact at all cost kind of social anxiety.

Now i'm a two star Thespian (honor society for drama club).

Here's what you do.

Go look at your fucking mirror. Don't bullshit it, do it. Now talk to yourself. Tell yourself about your day. You look pretty damn stupid, don't you? Keep doing it. Spend at least 5 minutes doing it. Talk about your day. Your cat. Megan Fox. Whatever. Now walk away. Go to sleep.

Wake the fuck up dude, you over slept. Alright, go brush your teeth. Stare at yourself. Don't even blink the whole time you're brushing your teeth. Kinda weird isn't it? Rinse that shit out and Listerine up in that bitch. Go through your day.

Come home. Go to that mirror. Get a post it note and write one thing that made you happy. Don't get all fancy and shit, I just said one thing. Now talk to yourself. Why did that make you happy? What's up? How was your day? Do it for 10 minutes.

Wake up. I want you to look at yourself more while your getting prepared for the day. Or if you're not getting out that day, put a mirror beside your computer.

Don't you get it, dude? You're not afraid of other people. You're afraid of yourself, and you're missing out 'cause you're fucking awesome. You'll learn that. You owe it to yourself to learn that.

Take care dude. Let me know if you've got any questions. Trust me, being on stage in a tutu clucking like a chicken in front of 200 people wasn't exactly the easiest thing I accomplished in my life.

But damn am I proud.

You will be too.

Make one more post it note. Write: I want to be proud.

I will be proud.

Get out there, man.

 

In theory it sounds easy enough, but it's HARD! I went to try it once, failed, and haven't attempted since, because I'm a total wuss. Even though nobody was home, it felt wrong to do something so weird. I instinctively freeze up for fear that I'll be judged. She hit the nail on the head when she said that we're not as afraid of other people judging us as we are of ourselves. It was a really interesting realization for me.

[Raincloak]

^ quote

 

You're afraid of yourself, and you're missing out 'cause you're fucking awesome.

 

Damn, I like that.  I like that a lot.  I should write that down and put it on my mirror.  In fact I think I'm going to go do that right now.