Growing a thicker skin

[sumdawgtwigg]

The next challenge is still a bit away but I wanted to ask you guys about something that I plan on focusing on very hard. I've always been a very sensitive person and take things to heart all the time. Someone I barely know can say something rude, mean, or just whatever and it will bother me for the rest of the day. Then if someone I do know does the same thing, as you can imagine, it bothers me for a very long time. I've also noticed that this doesn't affect many other people that I know. Unless they are just hiding it better than I do. Maybe I'm asking the impossible but what do you guys suggest i do about getting stronger in this department? I guess I really put to much stock in what others think of me. Nerd Fitness is not just about physical strength but gaining mental strength as well, in my opinion. So this is something I really want to work on. Thanks in advance. 

[lilhotduckie]

Good topic you brought up. I've been struggling with the same issue for years and I thought I was the only one.

[sumdawgtwigg]

Good topic you brought up. I've been struggling with the same issue for years and I thought I was the only one.

 

Good to see I'm not alone here! 

[lilhotduckie]

I would say though I am a little better at it then I use to be. Before, I wouldn't be able to sleep wondering why people would say (or did) the things they did. Now I ponder about it every now and then. I'd say its almost like a habit, to sort of brush of what was said. Kind of how people say to "just let it go". It might help to talk it over with someone. Or sometimes, I like to think of it that maybe the rude person was just having a bad day or didn't get the way he/she wanted things.

[sumdawgtwigg]

Glad you've gotten over it to some degree. I'll keep in mind your tips. Like you said though sometimes it's habit and hard to stop thinking about it. 

[lilhotduckie]

Sorry I can't give more advice than that. Like someone said earlier, it's easier said than done.

[sumdawgtwigg]

Sorry I can't give more advice than that. Like someone said earlier, it's easier said than done.

 

No, thank you so much, any help is greatly appreciated. 

[littlewings]

Hmm, yeah, it's a tough shield to develop but it's really all about patience, I find. I used get really frustrated when people would say things and it's really just a sensitivity you have to get over. I'm that friend in the group that everyone loves to pick on all the time, and I always take things lightly and almost never take them seriously, but there will always be times where some people take things too far and that's when things get touchy. I agree, it's annoying as hell. There will always be things that people say that you can pass on and then the things that affect you, you just have to know when to range in the frustration, push it down and move on. So... it's tough to give advice about because it's so situational but from my experience, you collect your thoughts, think "It's not worth it," and go on with whatever you're doing. Or, you message someone and rant/vent. Ranting helps me all the time. (Or if you have a punching bag, punching things helps too. ) People who say things like that shouldn't matter to you.

But if it's close friends that you're talking about that say things that get to you, confront them about it. If they're really your friends, they should try to be understanding. And if they're not, then again, you decide if it's worth it or not.

[sumdawgtwigg]

Hmm, yeah, it's a tough shield to develop but it's really all about patience, I find. I used get really frustrated when people would say things and it's really just a sensitivity you have to get over. I'm that friend in the group that everyone loves to pick on all the time, and I always take things lightly and almost never take them seriously, but there will always be times where some people take things too far and that's when things get touchy. I agree, it's annoying as hell. There will always be things that people say that you can pass on and then the things that affect you, you just have to know when to range in the frustration, push it down and move on. So... it's tough to give advice about because it's so situational but from my experience, you collect your thoughts, think "It's not worth it," and go on with whatever you're doing. Or, you message someone and rant/vent. Ranting helps me all the time. (Or if you have a punching bag, punching things helps too. ) People who say things like that shouldn't matter to you.

But if it's close friends that you're talking about that say things that get to you, confront them about it. If they're really your friends, they should try to be understanding. And if they're not, then again, you decide if it's worth it or not.

 

Thank you so much for your help. I guess it really is tough to give advice because it is so situational. I've debated several times about taking a step back from certain people who say things to me on a regular basis. Things they know are very sensitive subjects to me. I try so hard to be nice to everybody it's hard for me to just say forget it and put them behind me. I want to continue to try and be the nice one but I guess after a certain point it's ridiculous and I need to stand up for myself. 

[littlewings]

Thank you so much for your help. I guess it really is tough to give advice because it is so situational. I've debated several times about taking a step back from certain people who say things to me on a regular basis. Things they know are very sensitive subjects to me. I try so hard to be nice to everybody it's hard for me to just say forget it and put them behind me. I want to continue to try and be the nice one but I guess after a certain point it's ridiculous and I need to stand up for myself. 

Not a problem! I know what you mean, seriously. I used to keep everything bottled up all the time -- still sometimes am, but not nearly as bad -- and it's just not healthy, it'll stress you out more and it'll continue to build more tension between you and whoever said whatever. And I mean, as long as you're not lashing back at people, standing up for yourself isn't exactly not being nice, it's just saying what needs to be said. Just be confident with what you're doing; if you're healthy and happy, it shouldn't concern others. (Again, not sure on the situation, but from a general point...) I hope it resolves, either way.

[Evicious]

Thank you so much for your help. I guess it really is tough to give advice because it is so situational. I've debated several times about taking a step back from certain people who say things to me on a regular basis. Things they know are very sensitive subjects to me. I try so hard to be nice to everybody it's hard for me to just say forget it and put them behind me. I want to continue to try and be the nice one but I guess after a certain point it's ridiculous and I need to stand up for myself. 

 

Your debate has already reached its conclusion, and the correct conclusion at that: people who constantly poke at the thing(s) which they are fully aware irritate you are being disrespectful at best, and bullies at worst. In that particular situation it is not only acceptable but necessary for you to reassert your personal boundaries and then walk away from them completely (for at least a little while, if you consider them worth another possible try; altogether though if they're no one special in your life).

 

Their reaction to that will tell you all you need to know regarding any possible future interaction with them. If they apologize correctly, then let bygones be bygones. If they wait for a bit and simply pretend the confrontation did not happen, you know to at least keep them at arm's length from then on, if not drift completely away at your earliest convenience. And if they never speak directly to you again, then your problem has been removed entirely with minimal effort on your part.

 

That being said, over-sensitivity regarding friendly teasing or playful banter will easily turn you into a friendless insomniac. You have to think through what you consider "friendly" and "playful" vs. what the other people in your life consider them to be. The worst mistake any sensitive person can make is to decide that everyone 'ought to play by my rules' and those that don't are obviously trying to be mean to them. The fastest way to grow thick skin is to use your sensitivity to your advantage, and observe the situation as it happens: it's amazing what information you'll pick up on when you focus more on how people are saying the things they say, rather than on their words alone. As you develop more of an understanding and begin to recognize patterns in their behavior, you'll find yourself naturally feeling more concern for them than you do for yourself. And should you recognize that someone is indeed lashing out unfairly at you, you will find yourself reacting appropriately to it instead of wondering whether or not you should react at all.

[sumdawgtwigg]

You're debate has already reached its conclusion, and the correct conclusion at that: people who constantly poke at the thing(s) which they are fully aware irritate you are being disrespectful at best, and bullies at worst. In that particular situation it is not only acceptable but necessary for you to reassert your personal boundaries and then walk away from them completely (for at least a little while, if you consider them worth another possible try; altogether though if they're no one special in your life).

 

Their reaction to that will tell you all you need to know regarding any possible future interaction with them. If they apologize correctly, then let bygones be bygones. If they wait for a bit and simply pretend the confrontation did not happen, you know to at least keep them at arm's length from then on, if not drift completely away at your earliest convenience. And if they never speak directly to you again, then your problem has been removed entirely with minimal effort on your part.

 

That being said, over-sensitivity regarding friendly teasing or playful banter will easily turn you into a friendless insomniac. You have to think through what you consider "friendly" and "playful" vs. what the other people in your life consider them to be. The worst mistake any sensitive person can make is to decide that everyone 'ought to play by my rules' and those that don't are obviously trying to be mean to them. The fastest way to grow thick skin is to use your sensitivity to your advantage, and observe the situation as it happens: it's amazing what information you'll pick up on when you focus more on how people are saying the things they say, rather than on their words alone. As you develop more of an understanding and begin to recognize patterns in their behavior, you'll find yourself naturally feeling more concern for them than you do for yourself. And should you recognize that someone is indeed lashing out unfairly at you, you will find yourself reacting appropriately to it instead of wondering whether or not you should react at all.

 

Wow, that is some great, and in depth, advice. You're right about me needing to examine how they are saying things rather than just what they are saying. I tend to pick things out of a conversation and dwell on them. I've had a lot of social anxiety problems and I would imagine they have led me to do this. I'm so uptight and worried that I'm doing the wrong thing that the slightness negative comment makes me feel like I'm messing the whole interaction up. I hate feeling like an outsider over the one of the most basic human things, talking to one another. 

[Kristen]

The worst mistake any sensitive person can make is to decide that everyone 'ought to play by my rules' and those that don't are obviously trying to be mean to them. The fastest way to grow thick skin is to use your sensitivity to your advantage, and observe the situation as it happens: it's amazing what information you'll pick up on when you focus more on how people are saying the things they say, rather than on their words alone. As you develop more of an understanding and begin to recognize patterns in their behavior, you'll find yourself naturally feeling more concern for them than you do for yourself. And should you recognize that someone is indeed lashing out unfairly at you, you will find yourself reacting appropriately to it instead of wondering whether or not you should react at all.

This is very true. There are people out there who will intentionally try to hurt you--try to invalidate you for some kind of self-satisfaction--this is the definition of bullying. But 98% of teasing, ribbing, fun-poking, trash talking, is not mean spirited. If someone crosses a line, say so. A decent person will apologize and not make the same mistake again. A bully won't care, or will use it as another reason to attack you. If that's the case, walk away.

[sumdawgtwigg]

Thanks kristen. I think it's sad that adults are still out there bullying but I guess that's just part of life. It's up to us to walk away from it, stand up for ourselves, and not put up with that kind of behavior. 

[Zorch]

This is very true. There are people out there who will intentionally try to hurt you--try to invalidate you for some kind of self-satisfaction--this is the definition of bullying. But 98% of teasing, ribbing, fun-poking, trash talking, is not mean spirited. If someone crosses a line, say so. A decent person will apologize and not make the same mistake again. A bully won't care, or will use it as another reason to attack you. If that's the case, walk away.

 

I think this is critical to keep in mind.  Not all comments are meant to be attacks - I know that I, for one, have a pretty sarcastic/cynical sense of humor, but I tend to check it around people that I don't know well, because it's sometimes perceived as insulting, even if I don't intend it to be.  It's also important to be careful about reading too much into things and assuming bad intentions/negative perceptions where there may be none, or assuming that a minor criticism of an action is a direct, personal attack.

 

I've struggled with social anxiety in the past, and part of it for me is a tendency to overanalyze the hell out of everything, and in the process sometimes drive myself crazy over things that may have been wholly innocent in intention, or to even wonder if I am being criticized when I really am not.  I've learned over time to sometimes take a step back and ask myself in my head "are you really being rational, or are you just making up things in your head"?  As often as not the answer has been that I'm conjuring fears out of thin air by reading too much into things, and recognizing that I do this helps me put a check on things.

 

The other thing that's helped me(over the long run, not in the short run) was a couple particularly nasty events in my life, involving rejection/mistreatment by people who were close to me.  Part of my personal recovery from those events involved separating my perception of my personal worth from others' treatment of me.  Incidentally, fitness was a significant part of this recovery process for me.  By making myself into someone I could look in the mirror at and respect(not just physically, but as a whole person), I am better able to check any negative thoughts I may have about others' reactions by reminding myself of who I am and what I am capable of.

[Michael_Blacksmith]

I know exactly were you are coming from and I don't think that growing a thicker skin is the solution that will help the best, at least it didn't for me. When you are starting out as being sensitive, which is not a bad thing at all, a thicker skin will better suit to keep what ever triggers you inside. For me, I found that when another person is hurtful, or insensitive to you, or flat out mean, chances are that you did absolutely nothing to deserve those actions, they are simply displaced from someone else's problems or issues that they don't know how to deal with, or don't want to, or don't even know they have. Whenever I start feeling the pressure of someone else influencing the way that I feel, I step back and rationally try to evaluate if I did anything to bring this upon myself. 99% of the time the answer is no, when that is the case you honestly need to make a decision if you want someone else to make you feel something, or if you want to make yourself feel something better. It isn't easy at first, and it takes practice, but live in the moment, choose how you want to feel, and live the life you want to live while treating those around you with the respect and love that you want to be treated with yourself.

[Flex Luthor]

Strength training helped me tremendously to develop a thicker skin. I found that when I became physically stronger I also became stronger, emotionally as well. I've also been working on surrounding myself with positive and encouraging people. When you're around those types of people the negativity in your life will start to feel non existent. The main reason for this is when you are around positive people a lot, the number of positive things you hear about yourself and in general greatly out weigh the negative. I find it much harder to care about the one negative thing when I'm hearing 10 good things about myself in the same day. Food for thought.

[Kristen]

Strength training helped me tremendously to develop a thicker skin. I found that when I became physically stronger I also became stronger, emotionally as well. I've also been working on surrounding myself with positive and encouraging people. When you're around those types of people the negativity in your life will start to feel non existent. The main reason for this is when you are around positive people a lot, the number of positive things you hear about yourself and in general greatly out weigh the negative. I find it much harder to care about the one negative thing when I'm hearing 10 good things about myself in the same day. Food for thought.

Yes, this!

 

When we use our workouts to become bigger, faster, stronger, healthier we take control of them and ultimately make ourselves better in every way. When we use them to try to look a certain way, it's about pleasing other people. +1 for reclaiming fitness!

[sumdawgtwigg]

Wow guys didnt even realize anyone else had commented. Love the advice you guys are giving. Ive put them to work and its working!

[Space_Elf]

I was always the the kid in school the teachers labled as "sensitive" and the other kids called em a cry baby. I hated school and it wasn't until college that I really began to fogure out how to not take everything as a personal attack. It's hard to explain, but  a part of my problem was my perception of myself. I hadn't learned to accept my own flaws and move on, i would dwell on them and feel horribly self-concious. Soemtime in colelge I began to trealize that I woud never be the kind of person I wanted to be unell i accepted those flaws.

 

Do I totally suck at most sports? Yes. I don't get upset when people tell me that I suck at sports now, I laugh about it and soemtimes people offer me advice on how to improve things. I've gotten a little better and I get invited to a lot more parties and things because my friends know that they can joke with me about my lack of coordination without upsetting me. the same goes for many other things in life i've learned to accept about ymself and resolved to not take it personally and work at improving.

[geegeemcgee]

Hi, just wanted to let you know that you're definitely not alone.
I don't think highly sensitive types should be expected to change who they are. There are good sides to being extremely sensitive! You're probably more empathetic than most; being sensitive to the suffering of other's and having the capacity to offer compassion is an amazing quality to possess. You're probably more inclined to notice and appreciate smaller details in life, I guess you'd call that enhanced sensory perception? Of course a famous characteristic of the sensitive individual is their creative streak. Creativity leads to great problem solving! 
We do live in a society where sensitivity is undervalued. People have no issue with telling you that you're 'too emotional' or 'too sensitive'. I used to get it all the time! The thing that separates you from them, is you'd probably never dream of putting someone else down by saying to them 'you're too oblivious to the feelings of the people close to you'...Or however else you'd describe someone who makes careless character assessments to another person's face. 
I don't think you need to harden up. Self management is more important and should apply to all personality types, not just the sensitive ones. 
I liked Michael_Blacksmith's advice: 

Step back and rationally try to evaluate if you did anything to bring this upon yourself. 99% of the time the answer is no, when that is the case you honestly need to make a decision if you want someone else to make you feel something, or if you want to make yourself feel something better.

Brilliant advice. =)

[Eats-Own-Tail]

i have social phobia. it used to be so bad that i once didnt leave the house for a year.

 

now im on medication. the meds have helped alot.

 

now when someone's nasty, i just think they must have some kind of problem.

 

idk whether i would have reached this position without the meds.

[Kristen]

We do live in a society where sensitivity is undervalued. People have no issue with telling you that you're 'too emotional' or 'too sensitive'. I used to get it all the time! The thing that separates you from them, is you'd probably never dream of putting someone else down by saying to them 'you're too oblivious to the feelings of the people close to you'...Or however else you'd describe someone who makes careless character assessments to another person's face. 

Just like people have no problem with telling you you're too introverted--but it's not ok for me to say "I can't concentrate on my work when you're talking at me. SHUT UP for a minute, I need silence!" and I just can't comprehend how going to a club is more enjoyable than staying at home with a book and a guitar, but I don't tell them that.

[Teros]

no advice.  just wanted to say that you're not alone.  I feel the same way.  It's kind of like I misconstrue anything that someone says or implies to be insulting me.  I do NOT show that something will bother me though.  I tend to split hairs about certain grammatical word choices that people use.  (If they meant ___, then they should of not said ____ and p*ssed me off by doing _____).

[terrormortus]

This made me think of a quote from a comic book. In the aftermath of death of the family Nightwing is trying to deal with some things that the Joker told him. Red Robin pretty much says

 

"The Joker is a psychopathic maniac who cut off his own face. Are really that concerned about whether he approves of you or not?"

 

What I'm trying to get at here is when someone makes a comment that hurts you, you really have to ask yourself do I really care what this person thinks of me? Most of the time it's going to be no, what do you care if some jackass in the grocery line says something nasty? His opinion means nothing to you. 

 

For people who do matter, well just make it known that you're not okay with what they're saying. I don't mean confront them, as I feel that makes it into a conflict by its very nature. Most of the time if you say "what you said really bugs me" or "I don't like it when you say that" people might ask you why, but they'll understand and stop.