Attachment Parenting?

[JasontheKiwi]

Hi All. 

 

So we have a wonderful three month old baby girl. Recently we have stumbled onto some of the info around attachment parenting and some of it sounds quite good. I'm not a fan of the co-sleeping idea but am a fan of room sharing, which we are currently doing. 

 

So my questions is, does anyone know much about it or practice it? And if so, what are your thoughts, tips and experiences. 

 

Cheers, Jason 

[minderly]

I feel like attachment parenting is misleading. It's a great concept...however, I'm not sure that it makes it clear that NO matter what you do, there will be some form of attachment between caregiver and child. They will either insecurely or securely attach to you...unless you lock them in a room and never have contact with them.

 

As long as you consistently responsive to the child's needs, emotionally and physically, then a secure attachment will develop.

 

This is according to attachment theory, not me.

 

I'm sure you have nothing to worry about though :-) Just the fact that you are concerned shows you care about the emotional well-being of your child.

[JasontheKiwi]

True

[Sage]

I am an AP mom of three and my oldest is 8. Although, with my first I didn't know I was "AP" at the time- I was just doing what made sense to me as a parent. 

Co-sleeping does not have to mean sleeping in the same bed. If your child is in bed next to yours, you're still a co-sleeping family. If the kids are in your bed, you're bedsharers.

My main piece of advice is to only do what seems right to you and don't get sucked into any dogmatic blogs or what have you. Dr. Sears is a big AP guru and some (crazy) people try to conform to everything in his books, while strangely ignoring the parts where he says not to try to do it all and not to do anything that doesn't feel right to you or work for your family.

So, we're bedsharing (with the baby), co-sleeping (with the toddler), extended breastfeeding, cloth diapering, babywearing, non-circumcising, non-spanking, etc. but I would never go against anything that I felt  was right for us in the name of "AP".  

Did you have any questions or any particular advice you're looking for?

[kari]

I think, as with all things, attachment parenting is great in moderation. I co-slept (skin-to-skin) with both kids until they were about 4 to 5 months old. I wore both of my kids regularly (HUGE fan of the Moby Wrap) until they were 6 to 8 months old, and didn't put them into their own room until they were close to a year old. That said, I didn't do any of those things becuase I actually believe remaining physically attached to your child all the time will materially impact their development. I slept with my babies because I NEED TO SLEEP and night nursing was a breeze when they were already in bed with me. I wore my kids because they slept GREAT in the Moby, it freed up my hands and allowed me to comfortably move around (I swear, if you get baby tucked into a really well tied Moby, you could do a cartwheel and they wouldn't move). They stayed in our room until they were down to one night feeding because, again, I'm lazy and didn't want to get up, walk to anther room, sit, nurse, and walk back to my bed 4 times a night.

 

The books that provided the best perspective is called Brain Rules for Baby by John Medina. GREAT resource that talks about what your babies really need from you (safety, love, interaction, etc.). Once I understood those principles, HOW they were executed mattered a lot less. No one knows your baby better than you do, so go with what works!

[minderly]

that's such great advice Kari

[JasontheKiwi]

Cheers Sage. No specific questions, just wanted to get a general opinion on the topic. 

 

Hi kari, Yes I've read brain rules for baby which I found ok, I enjoyed Brain Rules, the one for adults. 

 

Currently we have our bub sleeping in the same room in a cot, not doing any 'baby wearing' presently other than the odd sooth to sleep in the front pack. 

I'm not planning on becoming a religious 'attachment parent', but am interested in applicable theories and peoples experience with them. I've talked to a few people who have put the baby in their own room (away from the parents) from day one, and it seems they have had some issues later on with not being able to leave the room until child is asleep, which I thought was interesting. 

 

I remember learning about Bowlby's theory when I was studying and, my wife actually, bought it up when googling the Big Bang Theory (great show), and was seeing what Miam (sheldons girlfriend) did for a job, turns out she's a neurologist who has a passion for kids. Interesting stuff, but obviously only one perspective. I am however a firm believer that the conventional method isn't always the best one. Yeah we are doing what works for us, despite the opinion of my wife's parents who have some wacky, or outdated ideas such as feeding them boiled water and sleeping them on their front. 

[Timmy M]

So, we're bedsharing (with the baby), co-sleeping (with the toddler), extended breastfeeding, cloth diapering, babywearing, non-circumcising, non-spanking, etc. but I would never go against anything that I felt  was right for us in the name of "AP".  

 

 

this is way off topic but what's with, what seems to be, the obsession in america over circumcision... i've never knowingly met someone who's circumcised yet whenever it crops up it seems like a must have 'cross the pond

[JasontheKiwi]

this is way off topic but what's with, what seems to be, the obsession in america over circumcision... i've never knowingly met someone who's circumcised yet whenever it crops up it seems like a must have 'cross the pond

 

Yeah I noticed that too and have the same question. I didn't realise it was a done thing, seems a bit weird to me. 

[Katinka]

Yup, it's typically done at birth here, before the baby leaves the hospital. As a female without any kids of her own, I really don't know why. On the one hand, it seems a little weird to make that decision for someone else, but on the other hand, it's probably much more traumatic to have it done as an adult (since in the US, most of your peers will have had it done as babies). Didn't realize this wasn't typical everywhere!

[minderly]

there's a lot of peer-reviewed scientific articles out there on circumcision. I'm not sure if all are available to public...but there are studies examining "pros/cons" of having it, not having it, when to have it, etc etc. I can try to find some for you if you cannot find any and are curious.

[JasontheKiwi]

Here in NZ it would be uncommon for babies to be circumcised unless the parents specifically requested it. It does seem a bit un-natural to cut something off that's purpose is to protect something sensitive. If we evolved to have foreskins then they must have a purpose, and likewise if God created us with them, I cant imagine how something being born perfectly would need to be tampered with in an effort to be improved at birth. 

[Timmy M]

in the olden days it was for hygienic purposes (stuff getting lodged in there and not washed out etc) nowadays it's not so necessary... though it does make you run the risk of 'snapping your banjo string'... i'll stop now i was mearly curious and now it's gone nasty

[katscratch]

Actually, in the US it's not "most" males having it done.  Slightly above 50% overall.  Varies from state to state, and the states whose Medicare-type programs cover the procedure have higher circ rates.  I looked it up not too long ago after a few of my coworkers here in Minnesota were totally shocked my kiddo isn't circ'd, when I haven't yet known any friends (until these coworkers) who HAVE circ'd.  It kinda blew my mind this is still so commonly practiced without question; like, kids get a ton of ear infections, but a surgery to actually reduce infection would be more permanent than poking a hole and would cause loss of sensation (hearing), so no way would any parent consent.  

 

My kiddo is 15 now and both pediatric practices in the city where he was born were very much against circumcision as, according to our docs at the time, there's no more medical benefit than trimming a female's vulva; yep, you have to clean yourself and be aware of signs of infection.  At the time the circ rate in that area was less than 20%.  Here in Minnesota it's higher, and we actually had a major issue with finding a pediatrician who had any clue about uncirc'd hygiene and didn't try to retract the kiddo's foreskin when he was little :/

 

I work at a children's hospital that does a fair number of circ revisions, meaning trying to fix them after they've been bunged up.... definitely more painful after the infant stage, and as skilled as our urology surgeons are, they readily admit that even a proper circ diminishes sensation.  I can understand how for a lot of families that just don't think about it, it continues as a tradition, but for myself personally I'd never have been able to make that decision for my kid.  And I truly don't understand how a parent who is of a mind to research anything wouldn't at least investigate further; if it was such a huge medical benefit why aren't STD and infection and cancer rates astronomically higher in countries that don't commonly practice circumcision?  The studies I've read also have widely differing results depending on the country of origin, which in itself is fascinating to me. 

 

My favorite question has always been the "don't you want him to look like his dad?" question -- I always answer "Does your daughter's vagina look like yours?  I find it more than a little creepy that you are expecting your child to compare his penis to his dad's as he grows up."

 

ok, end rant haha.  I don't go off on this to people, but it's one of a few subjects I feel strongly about and in person I'll try to sneak my opinion in under the radar to avoid people feeling attacked.  Easier to be blunt here and tell it like I feel it

 

 

To the original topic, heh--

 

We practiced co-sleeping, breastfeeding, babywearing (because it was so much easier on my back than carrying him everywhere), No television, etc, but I saw WAY too many of my friends have "attachment parenting" turn out to mean "let the kid's wishes/impulses run the household" -- so I never used the label.  We preferred instead to say we practiced intuitive parenting--after the initial infant phase it pretty much went: If the baby is hungry, let him eat.  If he's tired, let him sleep.  Hold him loads and loads, and make sure he knows you'll be there if he's hurt/scared/etc.  So I wasn't a boob-for-all-situations type of parent like a lot of my extended-bf advocate AP friends were, especially as he got older.  

 

For *us* these things worked; and I fully recognize a lot of it can be chalked up to our kiddo's personality on his own, but for what it's worth he's never had sleep or anxiety/ADD issues and transitioning to both food and non-suckling forms of soothing (for bedtime especially) was a breeze compared to some of my friends that either had AP-routines of nursing and holding their babes to sleep (and definitely less than our few friends who believed in the Cry It Out thing).  

 

 

My mom absolutely freaked out about cosleeping.  I had many words about how no aspect of parenting should be sexualized, ever (sleeping, nursing, bathing and on and on), so why does it suddenly change when it's overnight?  And later many many words over gender-based clothing and fingernail polish and letting boys really feel their emotions....  Now that he's in high school she admits I knew what I was doing, haha.

[JasontheKiwi]

Actually, in the US it's not "most" males having it done.  Slightly above 50% overall.  Varies from state to state, and the states whose Medicare-type programs cover the procedure have higher circ rates.  I looked it up not too long ago after a few of my coworkers here in Minnesota were totally shocked my kiddo isn't circ'd, when I haven't yet known any friends (until these coworkers) who HAVE circ'd.  It kinda blew my mind this is still so commonly practiced without question; like, kids get a ton of ear infections, but a surgery to actually reduce infection would be more permanent than poking a hole and would cause loss of sensation (hearing), so no way would any parent consent.  

 

My kiddo is 15 now and both pediatric practices in the city where he was born were very much against circumcision as, according to our docs at the time, there's no more medical benefit than trimming a female's vulva; yep, you have to clean yourself and be aware of signs of infection.  At the time the circ rate in that area was less than 20%.  Here in Minnesota it's higher, and we actually had a major issue with finding a pediatrician who had any clue about uncirc'd hygiene and didn't try to retract the kiddo's foreskin when he was little :/

 

I work at a children's hospital that does a fair number of circ revisions, meaning trying to fix them after they've been bunged up.... definitely more painful after the infant stage, and as skilled as our urology surgeons are, they readily admit that even a proper circ diminishes sensation.  I can understand how for a lot of families that just don't think about it, it continues as a tradition, but for myself personally I'd never have been able to make that decision for my kid.  And I truly don't understand how a parent who is of a mind to research anything wouldn't at least investigate further; if it was such a huge medical benefit why aren't STD and infection and cancer rates astronomically higher in countries that don't commonly practice circumcision?  The studies I've read also have widely differing results depending on the country of origin, which in itself is fascinating to me. 

 

My favorite question has always been the "don't you want him to look like his dad?" question -- I always answer "Does your daughter's vagina look like yours?  I find it more than a little creepy that you are expecting your child to compare his penis to his dad's as he grows up."

 

ok, end rant haha.  I don't go off on this to people, but it's one of a few subjects I feel strongly about and in person I'll try to sneak my opinion in under the radar to avoid people feeling attacked.  Easier to be blunt here and tell it like I feel it

 

 

To the original topic, heh--

 

We practiced co-sleeping, breastfeeding, babywearing (because it was so much easier on my back than carrying him everywhere), No television, etc, but I saw WAY too many of my friends have "attachment parenting" turn out to mean "let the kid's wishes/impulses run the household" -- so I never used the label.  We preferred instead to say we practiced intuitive parenting--after the initial infant phase it pretty much went: If the baby is hungry, let him eat.  If he's tired, let him sleep.  Hold him loads and loads, and make sure he knows you'll be there if he's hurt/scared/etc.  So I wasn't a boob-for-all-situations type of parent like a lot of my extended-bf advocate AP friends were, especially as he got older.  

 

For *us* these things worked; and I fully recognize a lot of it can be chalked up to our kiddo's personality on his own, but for what it's worth he's never had sleep or anxiety/ADD issues and transitioning to both food and non-suckling forms of soothing (for bedtime especially) was a breeze compared to some of my friends that either had AP-routines of nursing and holding their babes to sleep (and definitely less than our few friends who believed in the Cry It Out thing).  

 

 

My mom absolutely freaked out about cosleeping.  I had many words about how no aspect of parenting should be sexualized, ever (sleeping, nursing, bathing and on and on), so why does it suddenly change when it's overnight?  And later many many words over gender-based clothing and fingernail polish and letting boys really feel their emotions....  Now that he's in high school she admits I knew what I was doing, haha.

 

Cheers for the reply. Totally with you on the circumcised thing. It is weird how it's so common in some places, I wonder if it's just one of those things that people have done for so long they forgot why. 

 

Intuitive parenting, love it. We are just rolling with what seems to work. Our baby girl is happy, smiling, giggling and breastfeeding well (she's four months on Tuesday). She usually sleeps through the night so we must be doing something right. We have had lots of advice from people because everyone loves to put their two cents in, but take most of it at arms length. 

 

It's really my wife's mothers (the evil mother in law, and she really is) who just cant seem to keep her opinion to herself. She will say stuff purely to contradict my wife in a tone that 'she know's best'. When she'd be the last person in the world we would ask for advice from. 

[Lammis]

I think, as with all things, attachment parenting is great in moderation. I co-slept (skin-to-skin) with both kids until they were about 4 to 5 months old. I wore both of my kids regularly (HUGE fan of the Moby Wrap) until they were 6 to 8 months old, and didn't put them into their own room until they were close to a year old. That said, I didn't do any of those things becuase I actually believe remaining physically attached to your child all the time will materially impact their development. I slept with my babies because I NEED TO SLEEP and night nursing was a breeze when they were already in bed with me. I wore my kids because they slept GREAT in the Moby, it freed up my hands and allowed me to comfortably move around (I swear, if you get baby tucked into a really well tied Moby, you could do a cartwheel and they wouldn't move). They stayed in our room until they were down to one night feeding because, again, I'm lazy and didn't want to get up, walk to anther room, sit, nurse, and walk back to my bed 4 times a night.

 

The books that provided the best perspective is called Brain Rules for Baby by John Medina. GREAT resource that talks about what your babies really need from you (safety, love, interaction, etc.). Once I understood those principles, HOW they were executed mattered a lot less. No one knows your baby better than you do, so go with what works!

 

AMEN to the sleeping!  And the baby-wearing.  I'm doing both and I'm seriously about to read that book.  Baby's awake!!!

[girljen]

I wish I could answer this.  Thinking back to when my daughter was a baby, I had no freakin' clue what I was doing.  I don't think I ever caught on to the "be a baby's mom" thing.

 

I stumbled upon some attachment parenting info, and it sounded good:  Breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, paying attention to what the baby needs as opposed to trying to impose a schedule on this thing that can't talk or tell time or listen to reason...fair enough.  That might make life easier! 

 

But I accidentally wandered into a Granola Militia Outpost, where anything but the most strict definition of AP was considered neglect.  Way to make a new mom feel awful!!  I was already depressed and having trouble breastfeeding, and to hear that having the audacity to do things like hand the baby and a bottle to Dad and go back to sleep was tantamount to neglect just made me want to die of shame.  And when the baby, who was (and still is) super-sensitive to heat, didn't want to be worn, I took it as both a personal rejection and a failure of my parenting skills. 

 

Then she became a toddler.

My depression went away.

Parenting suddenly became fun! 

 

Even after that rocky first year, the year that overzealous AP advocates treat like it's make-or-break, my daughter is okay.  She's six years old, she's healthy, she's reading and writing, she's kind and compassionate...YES! 

 

Do what works for you and your family.  And when you're trying to figure out what works (because you probably will not know intuitively), know that it's totally okay to make mistakes.

[Lyra Rigby]

Actually, in the US it's not "most" males having it done.  Slightly above 50% overall.  Varies from state to state, and the states whose Medicare-type programs cover the procedure have higher circ rates.  I looked it up not too long ago after a few of my coworkers here in Minnesota were totally shocked my kiddo isn't circ'd, when I haven't yet known any friends (until these coworkers) who HAVE circ'd.  It kinda blew my mind this is still so commonly practiced without question; like, kids get a ton of ear infections, but a surgery to actually reduce infection would be more permanent than poking a hole and would cause loss of sensation (hearing), so no way would any parent consent. 

 

Here where I live in the Midwest, it is pretty common for boys to be circ'd. I haven't met many males under 35 who aren't circ'd. One guy I knew who isn't circ'd was born in Italy, so he doesn't count. Most people I know have it done for one of two reasons: either the dad is circ'd and they want potty training to go smoothly when their boys get older OR they do it for reasons of faith. I don't have a problem if a parent wants to have it done for reasons of faith, but the potty training one seems bogus to me. Mostly because I've only known a handful of guys who potty trained their sons. Most of the time, Mommy does most of the actual potty training once the little guy learns how to aim and when to go. So why does it matter if your son's penis looks like his dad's or not?

 

On the issue of attachment parenting, I don't have kids but I did work as a nanny for a few years. I can say with 100% certainty that as long as you spend time with your babies and kids, listen to them and teach them things, they will be ok.

[girljen]

On the issue of attachment parenting, I don't have kids but I did work as a nanny for a few years. I can say with 100% certainty that as long as you spend time with your babies and kids, listen to them and teach them things, they will be ok.

 

I love this so much.

[Me_]

So we were and are huge ap parents my toddler sleeps with me my 2 month old rarly does but she will when she is older but the sleeping is really not that important. My toddler had her every cry responded to. We wore her most of the time, we cuddle on demand, read on demand, and mostly play on demand though tantrums get her Ignored... The amazing thing is that while every would tell us that she would be clingy because of it she is now! (Now there was a while but mostly not) I can drop her off at play areas now that she knows and she will run off to play when otheRs kids are screaming. She will play by herself if I read or cook. She is cofortable exploring on her own which is what aP said it will give you and it did. There was a time when she was starting to explore where I had to be in sight but she does not nEed my presence any more because she trust us(kinda sucks at crowded places..) So yeah it works and it is easy there is less crying and more cuddles it is great for bonding and makes the kids fell secure. I know there are other ways but for me this was easiest other then a few super clingy months after first walking.

[djras]

As a concept "AP" isn't misleading as someone suggested. The people that practice AP are just like in the Paleo community you will find some zealots that overstate stuff etc That said it comes down to being attentive to your chiild and not worrying about "spoiling" them, I'd say it's practically impossible to spoil a baby.  Co-sleeping is great but it's not for everyone (we've co-slept with all 3 of our kids).  All the best in your journey.

[JasontheKiwi]

As a concept "AP" isn't misleading as someone suggested. The people that practice AP are just like in the Paleo community you will find some zealots that overstate stuff etc That said it comes down to being attentive to your chiild and not worrying about "spoiling" them, I'd say it's practically impossible to spoil a baby.  Co-sleeping is great but it's not for everyone (we've co-slept with all 3 of our kids).  All the best in your journey.

 

Cheers. She's six months old now. Yeah were not hard core AP, just doing the stuff that seems logical... co-sleeping (in her cot in our room), using a moby wrap which I love for walks and 'baby led weading' as opposed to spooning her pureed food. I think often people just like to be a part of something and name drop stuff. Like I know someone who does 'Paleo' but his diet is far from it, but I think its about being different for him. Also we know a couple who are doing 'AP' by doing nothing of the sort. My initial thread was to gauge people's ideas on the concept but not to take it on religiously... Were happy doing what we do but I wouldn't consider myself an 'attachment parent'. 

[ThatGuyTy]

I'm all for attachment parenting! We have a toddler and an infant. Like someone else mentioned in this thread, we naturally were parenting that way before finding out it was an actual style. My wife and I find it is a good guideline/foundation to work from. For others who are into AP, you may be interested in the book, "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn it's a great read, definitely counter cultural and very challenging. 

 

As for circumcision, in Ontario it used to be covered by OHIP (aka it was free) but is no longer covered as they have deemed it medically unnecessary. The Canadian Paediatric Society position, issued in 1996, is that “circumcision of newborns should not be routinely performed.†They are currently revisiting this position and have spent the past three years trying to come up with a more neutral position.  The American Academy of Pediatrics has recently stated that current evidence suggests that the benefits of circumcision outweigh the risks. Not giving my opinion, just letting you know the medical stance in my area. 

[vibrantnotions]

I love AP!  I'm not extreme AP and I don't look down on parents who do things differently.  This is just what works for me and my family.  From my point of view AP is more about how you do things than what you do.  It's about responding to your child's need in a way that is thoughtful, gentle, and kind.  You can bottle feed and still be an AP parent.  You can put your baby to sleep in a crib and still be an AP parent.  

 

We have an 8 month old.  Sleep for him has been a combination of side car (arms reach co-sleeper) and bed sharing.  We are going to try and move him to his own room soon because he needs the bigger space of the crib, and the crib won't fit well in our room.  I think he's ready.  If it turns out he isn't I'll force that crib in our room one way or another!

 

We breastfeed, I rocked him to sleep after nursing for about 7 months, we were baby wearing until it got hot and he outgrew his stretchy wrap.  I plan to get a carrier more suited to bigger babies soon.  I'm seriously looking forward to back carries.    

 

The most useful book to me for the newborn stage was Happiest Baby on the Block, the techniques it teaches works like a charm.  I did a lot of skimming because it went on and on about why you should do what he says.  And I didn't really care about the sell and the "evidence" because it came so highly recommended from a trusted friend that I had every intention of doing it,and it worked great for my baby.  

[Ceasefire]

I really hate labels. I don't understand the necessity of saying what kind of parenting style you hold to.

 

• My daughter co-sleeps. It's what works best for us and honestly, she's likely to be my last child, so if she's not ready for her own bed yet, I'm not about to force her out just so I can have a little more of the bed for my husband to hog.
• She breastfed until she self-weaned at a mere 14 months. Honestly, I miss it.
• We learned baby-sign together, she even still uses some even though she knows the words. (She's 20 months and she prefers to sign 'more' and 'diaper' instead of saying them even though she can say 'mo' and 'duppy'. XD)
• She hated the sling/Moby - a friend bought it for me especially, so I was kind of bummed when she didn't take to it. I believe my daughter leads ME in parenting her.

Just do what is right for you and your child.