Body image/eating disorders

[goodbyeharrison]

Alright, so at first I was going to post this just in the women's thread. But you know what, I did not want to exclude the guys. Eating disorders and a negative body image have been a recent topic in real life, and i see it in forum as well. I have been struggling with my own  negative perception of my body, and shared it with a friend. After having a conversation with that friend and being told that "almost all of the girls she knows has some type of body image problem or eating disorder", i decided that i needed to become active and make a change. I need to change my mindset: the things i am saying about myself and the things i am doing. so i proposed a plan to her, a simple plan to text each other daily..or weekly depending on our schedules because well life gets busy..two things.

 

1) Something positive we have done that day.

2) something we like about ourselves (personality, physical, etc). And whatever body part that we are really struggling with, we need to find something we like about it. 

 

I realize that I am not the only one with problems on this forum, so I decided to create a post that would serve as support..maybe its an eating disorder you are either currently struggling with or recovering from, an ideal body image that is stuck in your head, a certain body part that you just hate, (well you get the hint). So my challenge for you to level up in life is to join me in my plan..its simple...just 2 things a day. We are all here to cheer each other on and support one another. So if you need to vent, then vent. If you need help, just ask. It's about encouragement..sharing struggles AND victories. You never know how your story can help someone.

 

it's time we stop wishing we had another persons body and learn to appreciate what we have. Comparing does not help. And i know this is not exactly easy..letting go of ideals that we have clung onto..learning to accept our bodies..accept who we are as individuals.. But what the hell, maybe we will learn to like certain things about ourselves that we have always disliked. I mean, you are the one person you cant get away from, why the hell would you want to hate yourself?? So i'm inviting you to join my journey! 

 

Here is my story and a little background information if you want to read:

 

I have always been the skinny girl (115 pounds at 5'9" was my normal weight, that is until i took birth control and gained about 20 pounds.) But hey with that 20 pounds i obtained the boobs i always wanted! Everyone seems to think 145 is that magic number and that may have been the highest weight i have ever been (not sure because i did not weight myself). I was never obsessed with the scale or my weight. I have always been able to eat whatever i want, not exercise, and not worry about it (and i did not worry about it until recently). While i was at a normal weight after birth control, lets look at the equation that changed it.. 2 years of drug addiction+ lack of eating (okay so more like almost starving) = looking awful. Once i got clean and sober, and started to look more healthy (eating and no drugs will do that), and i seemed to get more attention.  I was getting praise for being skinny. Girls mentioned it, guys noticed me and gave me way more attention. Still, i ate whatever i wanted and didn't have to exercise. I was drinking quite a bit (okay more like a binge drinker..and I was a beer girl so finding out i was gluten intolerant was awful), but hey once i quit drinking i lost about 10 pounds and went down to 130ish. However, even though i have always been skinny, i have never had that "perfect flat stomach." my lower stomach is just where my fat likes to sit. I'll end there really, because no one likes to hear a skinny girl complain about her problem areas, and as my friend says "yes i'd still have to deal with the same issues in life, but i think hey at least i'd be skinny".

 

Great so i'm off drugs and sober...what now?! I began eating healthier once i moved back home. I found out i was gluten intolerant and made the transition of removing gluten from my diet (took me over 6 months to almost a year to finally give it up..because if it was a bad day or i really wanted something, well it was okay to indulge and feel like crap for the next couple days...right?!?!). Once i decided i was tired of feeling awful, well, naturally fast food was out of the question. So my eating became much healthier and has continued (minus the indulgences on sweets).

So my food has gotten better...what about exercise?? Well i would go through my exercise phases that would last for a month or two. I went jogging daily, or at least 4-5 times a week. Then i'd get sick or bored (or i was drinking, cause hey i was a drunk and who likes jogging when they are hungover??). Then i started hiking/running during the summer (ended that from heat exhaustion). Then i started jogging again for a month (then i got sick for two weeks from a classmate and had a nasty cough). I would go through months of being lazy, then a month or two of exercise. Lather, rinse, repeat. Well about 2 months ago i decided to start exercising again. The majority of the guys in my class go to the gym, and it gave me motivation to start up again. But this time i decided to take a different approach. I decided to do exercises that i thought were fun. So no more jogging. my workouts included hula hooping and jump roping. then i decided to add in some different circuits (im a nerd, so of course i google and investigate), and lo and behold i found nerd fitness. I realized my workouts never stuck because I HATE JOGGING. I get bored of jogging and doing circuits keeps my ADD happy. 

 

Here's the problem, when i began to workout i did not have a specific goal. It was just to workout. But then another goal crept in, to get that flat stomach. That sneaky bastard. So what happened? I became obsessed with working out. I had to every day, for over an hour a day...sometimes twice a day.. for at least a month. I realized how unhealthy it was becoming, so i slowed down on that. Then i became obsessed with food, paleo (omg i cant eat that its not paleo, or let me google and make sure its paleo) and i was restricting certain foods. That was just setting myself up for a binge and failure. Cue my next obsession.. i became obsessed with counting calories, carbs and sugar. Ah good old calories (eat crap and die). I quickly became exhausted.. i was punishing myself anytime i had sugar or went over my goal of calories and it was driving me INSANE. Seriously, punishing myself over eating fruit?? It was pushing me towards a nasty eating disorder. And it was a wake up call when i was told due to my OCD behavior "i think you have an eating disorder" It's okay, the story gets better. I have since developed a healthier relationship with working out. I do not have to work out every single day for x amount of time, so i have my rest days. And i no longer obsess over working out. I am working on my relationship with food (yes i still have problems with overeating, but i am not being crazy restrictive or punishing myself anymore when i have sugar). And deleted that damn myfitnesspal aka mytorturedevice, and i am working on stopping myself from counting calories or sugar in my head. Yes im crazy. And yes i have OCD, I am quite aware of this.  I just can't seem to turn it off..anyone have a mute button for OCD? I would love to borrow it.

 

So what the hell happened? where did it all go wrong? how the hell does a skinny girl end up with such a twisted perception?

There were a few factors that i noticed that helped to contribute. 1) I was getting praised and rewarded socially for being skinny (so wrong on so many levels). 2) the constant comments about my weight and size. "wow, you lost some weight and look skinnier" OR "oh you gained a little weight" "are you not eating cookies because youre trying to lose weight (no im gluten intolerant..and wait are you saying i need to lose weight?" 3) Girls constantly comparing themselves to me. yes it got to me.

 

This combined with other factors, and i got the message "being skinny is better." Girls wished they had my body, so it must be the "right" body...right?? So this created the fear. I had to stay a certain size or certain number, because, well if i dont stay that size, then i wont be worth as much. i wont be wanted or desirable..and then add in rejection from a guy, well this was the perfect recipe for disaster.i began to think that there was something wrong with me physically, and  If i have the perfect body, then i wouldnt get rejected. And this was so WRONG and a horrible mentality. And seriously, who the hell was going to know how much i weighed? why the hell did i care so much?

 

So that's some of my story..yes i realize i sound crazy..but that's how i thought/think...

 

oh and just some thoughts...

 

- Size 2 is not the "right size" and 145 is not the magic number. 

-I think clothing using the word "plus size" is just plain evil.

- a number, clothing size, weight, etc...its NOT your identity.

[goodbyeharrison]

1) I worked out at the gym.

Also, I had ice cream with a friend after class, and didnt punish myself.

 

2) I like my smile. I actually am happy i never got braces because i like that i do not have perfect, straight teeth, because i think it makes my smile unique. 

[FalseAesop]

Earlier this week on one of the podcasts I subscribe to, "Stuff Mom Never Told You," one of the How Stuff Works podcasts had an episode about the increasing diagnosis rates of Anorexia Nervosa amongst men.  It is believed that it not because men are suddenly developing the eating disorder, but rather that it is something that generally wasn't looked for in men, as well as a 'woman's problem' that men suffering from would not seek treatment for.  Even if they did it men could find difficulty in finding anyone who would take them seriously. 

 

This is despite the fact that the original published case study for Anorexia described the symptoms in both a male and a female patient, over a century ago.  In the last 20 years it became a 'female' neurosis  in the public consciousness. 

 

So I'm glad to see you didn't exclude us from the thread.  Seriously. 

 

For my own part I am in no way anorexic, but I do have body image issues.  I'm obese, I used to be really really really morbidly obese.  I've lost 100 pounds so far, and even though people tell me how much better I look, even though I wear pants 10 inches smaller, even though I know there is a difference.  When I look in a mirror I don't see it.   When I take my mugshots at the beginning of each month and look at them by themselves I still hate what I see and think nothing has changed.

 

I have to force myself to look at specifics, I have to look at my jawline that wasn't there before.  I have to look at my wrist bones, I have to look at my ankles, I have to look at the number of belt loops I've gone down (which is three belts worth... and I need another new belt damnit).  I look at my adam's apple which I sure as hell couldn't see before.  I look at my collar bones.  You'd think that the difference would be obvious when I look at the parts... but when I step back and look at the sum... I just see me, the same old me.   I used the Matrix concept of the Residual Self Image to describe it once.... in my mind's eye I still see me as I always did, but I have changed.  I really have.

 

I have to remind myself of that, I have to force myself to look at the specifics... because it is easy to see that I still have a belly and love handles and get discouraged... but I look at the specifics.  I look at the graphs I have showing my progress.  I look at the data because I can't trust my goddamn eyes.  

[I-Jo]

Great post. Thanks for sharing.

 

It pains me to see women struggle with this because there is beauty in ALL many shapes.  

 

I have fat days- where I am literally disgusted by my thighs. They make me ill.  I either go to my biggest butt/thigh fan (the boyfriend) and/or I go hammer out the worst work out possible.

 

DOING gives me such a lift. and wearing clothes I love.  I'm visual- very visual.  So working out and watching me DO the things is awesome.  and dance- it's like my yoga- I can create beauty no matter what.  

 

I wish I could bottle those feelings I have and give it to people. because when I'm on- I'm ON.  

 

Today I'm happy to have sexy arms.  and I like my make up- it looks great.  

 

I also am wearing skinny jeans without feeling like an ice cream cone. 

[Vintage]

I've got a long history of disordered eating and seriously crazy thinking about food/body issues. It's been tough because I've needed to make changes to my eating, exercise and bodycomp for health reasons, so I needed to figure out a way to do that in healthy, sane ways. As I've worked to get healthy this year I've had to constantly monitor my thoughts and behaviors to make sure I wasn't going over that edge. I have a really hard time not focusing on just being skinnier. Sometimes I've had to ask very trusted friends to tell me when I was getting close to that point. In my good moments I know that I would rather look healthy and be happy than just be thin. In the beginning I worked with a friend to come up with a short list of signs that I was headed in the wrong direction. Buying a scale was one of them (I have access to a scale at work or when I'm at my parent's house 1-2 times/week, and there is absolutely no good reason for me to need to know my weight so urgently or so frequently that I couldn't wait until I was there). Using exercise to get rid of specific calories/food I ate is another. 

 

So, two things for the day...

 

1. I got a full night's sleep for the first time all week.

 

2. I have great skin, and now that I'm taking care of it and eating better it shows.

[goodbyeharrison]

Random thoughts...

 

Food is a hard one for me. I eat when i'm hungry. I eat when im bored. i eat when im sad. i eat when im already full. i eat when im mad. i eat when im stressed. i eat...well whenever.

 

I am a binger. I over eat. I compulsively eat. I will eat until i feel sick. I will eat until the sugar makes me feel almost drunk (sweat and foggy).

If you looked at me, you would never know it. I try to hide it. Just watch me eat and you will see the hints.

 

I feel like a prisoner, trapped in my own body. It's not like alcohol, I can't give it up and be sober. I have to build a healthy relationship. 

 

And i hate how i have mirrors everywhere in my house. I am unable at this point to walk past one without staring or looking at some body part. 

 

I feel anxiety about food. Especially if i leave the house, i have to take something with me. because if i dont...what if i get hungry?? 

 

Its time to see a therapist. Will be calling next week for an appointment. This is meant to be a step in the right direction, but not a replacement for professional help. 

 

 

 

 

1) 8 hours of sleep, even though i was up late last night. It was nice to just sleep in. I would like some coffee now

 

2) I really like the dimples on my lower back. Especially when i am in my bathing suit or in certain clothing when i see a peak of them.

[I-Jo]

back dimples are thuper thexy!!!  go you!!! making positive steps. <hugs>

[Waldo]

I've had a very, very long recovery from this though I never sought any help, kinda just figured it out on my own.

 

Soph year of college (16 yrs ago) I was very much scary skinny (140's @ 6'1", could even have dipped lower, dunno) and had an eating disorder of some sort.  Wasn't true female type anorexia, it was more physical than anything.  I wanted to eat.  I knew I needed to eat.  I tried to eat, every meal.  I made sure I at least put something in my mouth each meal.  But it really didn't work and it usually made me sick ot my stomach.  Also had some pretty severe self confidence issues from being so scary skinny.

 

Getting away from the environment (the dorms) helped.  I was able to at least maintain and gain a little.

 

Then I spent ~4-5 months doing which for me has turned into being hugely pivotal.  I spent that long truly going for it bodybuilder style.  Reading the magizines, reading what little existed on the internet.  Going to the gym and lifting, weighing myself daily.  I learned the basics of nutrition, calorie intake, protein intake, etc..., learning that more protein is always better and really started seeing food as protein/not protein.  Gained about 10 lbs, enough that I was still unusually skinny, but not absurdly so.  Then I quit.

 

Months became years, I graduated, got married, settled into a normal lifestyle, and slowly but surely got fat.  It was slow and controlled, wasn't lifting though, just naturally came.  Always ate higher protein and favored higher protein foods, never was much of a snacker.  Getting fat was ok though.  It took me away from being scary skinny.  And I took it right on to being quite obese.

 

Deciding that being fat was no better than being scary skinny was really one of the pivotal turning point that took me to where I am today.  Each step along the way my confidence has grown.  Now as it has exploded, I can look back and really evaluate why things occurred, it it really is all about confidence.  I was on the right track oh so many years ago, but just wasn't ready to fully step through the doorway.  Afterwards I just didn't have the effort in me.  However I did gain a certain intuitiveness after basically living my whole adult life at least understanding nutrition; you really can't unlearn what you have learned.

 

The unquenchable thirst for confidence now is what really drives me more than anything.

[goodbyeharrison]

back dimples are thuper thexy!!!  go you!!! making positive steps. <hugs>

Thanks!! Apparently back dimples are called "dimples of Venus" and I never knew that. (Nerd using google. Lol!)

Im Trying to take small steps, and eventually make big changes!!

(And your arms are sexy!! Lol I saw your back photo/ squat video, i was like "Daaaaamn giiiiiiirl!!")

[goodbyeharrison]

Earlier this week on one of the podcasts I subscribe to, "Stuff Mom Never Told You," one of the How Stuff Works podcasts had an episode about the increasing diagnosis rates of Anorexia Nervosa amongst men.  It is believed that it not because men are suddenly developing the eating disorder, but rather that it is something that generally wasn't looked for in men, as well as a 'woman's problem' that men suffering from would not seek treatment for.  Even if they did it men could find difficulty in finding anyone who would take them seriously. 

 

This is despite the fact that the original published case study for Anorexia described the symptoms in both a male and a female patient, over a century ago.  In the last 20 years it became a 'female' neurosis  in the public consciousness. 

 

So I'm glad to see you didn't exclude us from the thread.  Seriously. 

 

For my own part I am in no way anorexic, but I do have body image issues.  I'm obese, I used to be really really really morbidly obese.  I've lost 100 pounds so far, and even though people tell me how much better I look, even though I wear pants 10 inches smaller, even though I know there is a difference.  When I look in a mirror I don't see it.   When I take my mugshots at the beginning of each month and look at them by themselves I still hate what I see and think nothing has changed.

 

I have to force myself to look at specifics, I have to look at my jawline that wasn't there before.  I have to look at my wrist bones, I have to look at my ankles, I have to look at the number of belt loops I've gone down (which is three belts worth... and I need another new belt damnit).  I look at my adam's apple which I sure as hell couldn't see before.  I look at my collar bones.  You'd think that the difference would be obvious when I look at the parts... but when I step back and look at the sum... I just see me, the same old me.   I used the Matrix concept of the Residual Self Image to describe it once.... in my mind's eye I still see me as I always did, but I have changed.  I really have.

 

I have to remind myself of that, I have to force myself to look at the specifics... because it is easy to see that I still have a belly and love handles and get discouraged... but I look at the specifics.  I look at the graphs I have showing my progress.  I look at the data because I can't trust my goddamn eyes.  

 

Congratulations on your weight loss and goals, you look great!

You have worked on your diet and exercise, but have you worked on renewing your mind? That really is the hardest part to change, the way you think and look at yourself. Therapy may be something to consider if you have not already.

I know quite a few guys that have made significant changes and lost weight, but their self esteem has yet to catch up. They still see themselves as the "overweight guy." The phrase i use is an "overweight guy stuck in a skinnier body". 

 

 

I've had a very, very long recovery from this though I never sought any help, kinda just figured it out on my own.

 

Soph year of college (16 yrs ago) I was very much scary skinny (140's @ 6'1", could even have dipped lower, dunno) and had an eating disorder of some sort.  Wasn't true female type anorexia, it was more physical than anything.  I wanted to eat.  I knew I needed to eat.  I tried to eat, every meal.  I made sure I at least put something in my mouth each meal.  But it really didn't work and it usually made me sick ot my stomach.  Also had some pretty severe self confidence issues from being so scary skinny.

 

Getting away from the environment (the dorms) helped.  I was able to at least maintain and gain a little.

 

Then I spent ~4-5 months doing which for me has turned into being hugely pivotal.  I spent that long truly going for it bodybuilder style.  Reading the magizines, reading what little existed on the internet.  Going to the gym and lifting, weighing myself daily.  I learned the basics of nutrition, calorie intake, protein intake, etc..., learning that more protein is always better and really started seeing food as protein/not protein.  Gained about 10 lbs, enough that I was still unusually skinny, but not absurdly so.  Then I quit.

 

Months became years, I graduated, got married, settled into a normal lifestyle, and slowly but surely got fat.  It was slow and controlled, wasn't lifting though, just naturally came.  Always ate higher protein and favored higher protein foods, never was much of a snacker.  Getting fat was ok though.  It took me away from being scary skinny.  And I took it right on to being quite obese.

 

Deciding that being fat was no better than being scary skinny was really one of the pivotal turning point that took me to where I am today.  Each step along the way my confidence has grown.  Now as it has exploded, I can look back and really evaluate why things occurred, it it really is all about confidence.  I was on the right track oh so many years ago, but just wasn't ready to fully step through the doorway.  Afterwards I just didn't have the effort in me.  However I did gain a certain intuitiveness after basically living my whole adult life at least understanding nutrition; you really can't unlearn what you have learned.

 

The unquenchable thirst for confidence now is what really drives me more than anything.

 

Confidence really is huge and key. Being comfortable with my "flaws" is something I am trying to work on. Thankfully I have been able to make certain steps and changes, but there are some that I struggle with more. I am happy to hear of your changes and success!!

[erin212f]

I dealt with this quite a bit too.  My older sister was the "skinny athletic one."  I was the "smart nerdy one."  She could eat whatever the heck she wanted and still looked fantastic.  I didn't work that way.  She was able to run a half-marathon after training for a week.  I huffed and puffed running anything over a quarter-mile.  One year for Christmas, my parents got me a 3-month membership to a gym.  That hurt my ego quite a bit.  I started practically starving myself to try to lose weight, and ended up just going in a constant cycle of 2-3 days of practically non-existent eating to one day of eating EVERYTHING in sight.  This continued for almost 2 years.

 

Since I started exercising and eating right, I've gotten in WAAAYY better shape than she is.  I still am pretty strict on my eating, in that I usually don't allow myself ANY cheat days.  I've lightened up a bit, but 80-90% of my diet is still good.  It's taken a while for me to accept my body for what it can do and not what it looks like.  

 

1) I passed my driving test!!

2) I am especially callipygian today

[Leonine]

 

I feel like a prisoner, trapped in my own body. It's not like alcohol, I can't give it up and be sober. I have to build a healthy relationship. 

 

And i hate how i have mirrors everywhere in my house. I am unable at this point to walk past one without staring or looking at some body part. 

 

I feel anxiety about food. Especially if i leave the house, i have to take something with me. because if i dont...what if i get hungry?? 

 

Its time to see a therapist. Will be calling next week for an appointment. This is meant to be a step in the right direction, but not a replacement for professional help. 

 

If I could step through this screen through yours, I would do that and give you such a huge hug right now. <3 I think it's so incredibly brave that you've started this thread and that you're sharing your struggles with us. It's hard! It deals with things that we don't want to think about, let alone talk about, but there's nothing more important than sharing them and getting these anxieties out of the dark. 

 

I'm also so proud that you're taking a step to get more support! It's really the most amazing thing you can do for yourself; it's tough stuff to deal with, especially since disordered eating is not just about food, there are a multitude of reasons for the behaviors, no matter where one falls along the spectrum. But, you deserve a life free from these anxieties, and that's such a good place to start!

[I-Jo]

Thanks!! Apparently back dimples are called "dimples of Venus" and I never knew that. (Nerd using google. Lol!)

Im Trying to take small steps, and eventually make big changes!!

(And your arms are sexy!! Lol I saw your back photo/ squat video, i was like "Daaaaamn giiiiiiirl!!")

I didn't know that either!!!  thank you for teaching me something today.    

 

Thank you- My arms still need work- I'm angry at rest they look fat- it's stupid- flexed they are great. But oh well- I need to do more diet food adjusting.  I'm pretty happy wtih what's been going on- trying to not let it consume me and just keep pushing- harder stronger faster- you know.   

[goodbyeharrison]

I didn't know that either!!!  thank you for teaching me something today.    

 

Thank you- My arms still need work- I'm angry at rest they look fat- it's stupid- flexed they are great. But oh well- I need to do more diet food adjusting.  I'm pretty happy wtih what's been going on- trying to not let it consume me and just keep pushing- harder stronger faster- you know.

 

It's awesome learning!!

Oh and you know the solution to that? Just walk around flexed at all times. I'm sure people won't notice! Lol!

[I-Jo]

if i could- i totally would LOL

 

but leaving my arms over head is bound to get tiring at some point!!! LOL

 

but I'll try to implement it tomorrow when we go to great adventure- I'll see what the reaction is like and give you feed back on if it's a successful technique or not!

[Vintage]

I went to dinner with friends tonight to celebrate the last day of classes this semester and had several beers. I started to panic a little on the way home and had to remind myself over and over that no, I couldn't actually feel extra fat on my stomach because of those extra calories and carbs.

 

And then I have to fight the urge to respond to my guilt and disgust with myself by binging on whatever is in the fridge.

 

 

For my own part I am in no way anorexic, but I do have body image issues.  I'm obese, I used to be really really really morbidly obese.  I've lost 100 pounds so far, and even though people tell me how much better I look, even though I wear pants 10 inches smaller, even though I know there is a difference.  When I look in a mirror I don't see it.   When I take my mugshots at the beginning of each month and look at them by themselves I still hate what I see and think nothing has changed.

 

 

This. Exactly this.

 

I don't want to be dependent on the praise and complements of other people telling me I look good, but the truth is I can't see it in the mirror. I've lost 15% of my bodyweight in the past 8 months, have had people not recognize me, and get told by everyone I see how much smaller I am... and I can't see a difference. I can put pictures from before and now right next to each other and can barely see it. I understand that that's in my head. Looking at the numbers helps some, but that reassurance disappears the moment I catch sight of my stomach in the mirror.

 

I can't remember the last time I saw a picture of myself with at some party or family gathering or just at the box working out and had an initial thought other than "God I look fat." I can barely see anything else in the picture. Sometimes seeing myself in pictures of some fun time actually ruins my good memories of it because all I can think about is how everyone else must have been thinking about how fat I was. Narcissistic, yes, but the thoughts don't go away. 

[goodbyeharrison]

I dealt with this quite a bit too.  My older sister was the "skinny athletic one."  I was the "smart nerdy one."  She could eat whatever the heck she wanted and still looked fantastic.  I didn't work that way.  She was able to run a half-marathon after training for a week.  I huffed and puffed running anything over a quarter-mile.  One year for Christmas, my parents got me a 3-month membership to a gym.  That hurt my ego quite a bit.  I started practically starving myself to try to lose weight, and ended up just going in a constant cycle of 2-3 days of practically non-existent eating to one day of eating EVERYTHING in sight.  This continued for almost 2 years.

 

Since I started exercising and eating right, I've gotten in WAAAYY better shape than she is.  I still am pretty strict on my eating, in that I usually don't allow myself ANY cheat days.  I've lightened up a bit, but 80-90% of my diet is still good.  It's taken a while for me to accept my body for what it can do and not what it looks like.  

 

1) I passed my driving test!!

2) I am especially callipygian today

 

My cycles are a problem when i have my "cheat" days. Those elusive cheat days, where my mind says hey eat everything!! 

I went 3 weeks without candy, ice cream or processed sugar. 3 weeks of hell and serious addictive cravings. I felt like a crack addict. It was tough, but i made it 3 weeks, until i splurged. 3 straight days of a ridiculous amount of sugar. on the 3rd day i freaked out. cause OMG i ate a ton of sugar and what if i gain weight?? So i purged. First and only time of purging (and seriously hated it because i hate wasting food). Ever since then, i will go one week without sugar, have a cheat day (which turns into 2 days) and then repeat. So its usually 5 days off, 2 days on. Its getting old, and im sick and tired of it. But actually getting out of repeating the cycle is difficult...the idea of not having any sugar...i just dont know.. i feel like an alcoholic that isnt ready to give up drinking yet, even though i need to. 

 

If I could step through this screen through yours, I would do that and give you such a huge hug right now. <3 I think it's so incredibly brave that you've started this thread and that you're sharing your struggles with us. It's hard! It deals with things that we don't want to think about, let alone talk about, but there's nothing more important than sharing them and getting these anxieties out of the dark. 

 

I'm also so proud that you're taking a step to get more support! It's really the most amazing thing you can do for yourself; it's tough stuff to deal with, especially since disordered eating is not just about food, there are a multitude of reasons for the behaviors, no matter where one falls along the spectrum. But, you deserve a life free from these anxieties, and that's such a good place to start!

 

Thanks!! I had actually written the thread during one of my binges. Guilt+shame+embarrassment= desperate girl. 

I am thankful that i have a few close friends that i am able to be honest and open about my food problems. But it is hard to admit that i binge, and that it is a problem. And i have people think im not serious because im skinny. So binging only becomes a problem once i am overweight?

 

It is a tough subject, and definitely something that not everyone wants to talk about or think about. And being the first to speak up can be scary. But i figure im already a little crazy, so i can take the plunge. A journey to restore my sanity. And hey, who really wants to journey alone? So i thought id extend the invite..offer support...to let people know they are not alone. 

 

While writing my story, i did not think about it too much. There was no anxiety. Mainly just a sugar high. But then once i realized people were reading it..i felt naked and a little insecure. What if people don't understand? what if people take it the wrong way? But i had to get over that...(and i threw in a little humor)..but even if one person gets encouragement or help..well then i think it is all worth it..i can air my dirty laundry if that means someone gets help.

 

if i could- i totally would LOL

 

but leaving my arms over head is bound to get tiring at some point!!! LOL

 

but I'll try to implement it tomorrow when we go to great adventure- I'll see what the reaction is like and give you feed back on if it's a successful technique or not!

 

 

Let me know how your flex day goes (hah)

[goodbyeharrison]

Okay so yesterday and today were not so great. Today i had work..and i felt great..until i wanted to kill everyone. Everyone seemed to get on my nerves and i had the most annoying customers. And then i got hungry...uh oh...i ate my food that i had brought, but it was too late.  Ended up at in-n-out with a chocolate milkshake and french fries to dip in it.

 

So maybe i am like an alcoholic who cant have certain things. When i eat certain sweets, im triggered and there is no stopping me at that point.I just dont know at this point, but when i allow for cheats, it just does not work. It's frustrating. I have the intention of "okay, just this one thing" and then it all goes to hell. Yesterday i had gone to get ice cream with a friend. I was fine with it..did not feel the need to eat anything else...until i got home and saw that my mom left a snickers bar on the table. I ate it and it was all downhill from there..and then i had made a strawberry crisp (low on sugar) for dessert. My family and i had vanilla ice cream with it (because i had to open my mouth that vanilla ice cream would go good with it). That was just the beginning..*sigh*..

 

I told my mom not to leave candy out any more. to treat me like an alcoholic and keep it hidden in her room. And that she cant mention it when she eats certain foods, it just makes me crave them.

 

So let's see how this next week goes..clearly whenever i tell myself that its okay to have something, i just need to remind myself that im like an alcoholic that is in denial. I am not in control when i have that ice cream or candy bar. And it's just a really awful idea.

 

I know it takes time to make progress and work on it.. So im a work in progress. I should just get caution tape, hard hats and do my room construction themed. lol.

It took me months to give up gluten and to finally let go...and this will no doubt take WAY longer. Definitely not one of those "quick fixes". Im in for the long haul! 

[goodbyeharrison]

Starting over today.. we'll see how it goes this time.

1) I read today before work, and it wasnt for school! lol. And tonight I want to see ironman3 when I get off work.

2) I like the v that I have near my crotch line. Apparently it is called "apollos belt" or "Adonis belt".. But I'm not a guy, so Maybe Venus belt? (Geez I feel like it sounds like the razor lol)

Oh and I am very proud of my bicep muscles that are forming (okay so maybe i should say muscle and not muscles..my right one is much more pronounced then my left side because my right side is dominant. But hey, I'm working on it.) I have already flexed for two coworkers to show them off.

[61stRevolt]

Thanks for posting this. I wish I had seen this before I started that thread that introduced me to you, I would have just chimed in here.

 

I've always been an over eater and addictive tendencies run in my family. My grandmother and both of her sons (my uncles) were/are alcoholics. My mom swore not to fall victim to that and I've always admired it, but I've realized in the past few years that she filled that tendency with food. And she passed that on to me.

 

In high school I wanted to be anorexic. That sounds really weird. And I've never actually said it until just now. But I was always really jealous of how the girls in those health videos had the discipline to stop eating. I would try to not eat for a day but by dinner I'd be in a horrible fog and end up binging, and usually on crap.

 

In general I have to say that I'm the healthiest I've ever been in terms of  mentality (hence the ability to post this). I lost 20+ pounds after I joined NF, but I gained all of it back recently, if not more. The culprit is snacking, really. I'm good pretty much all day until I come home and then I usually eat until it hurts, and then I eat some more. I don't want to blame my mom but a lot of it is because I love with her. I asked her to stop buying potato chips and her solution was to buy them and not tell me. But obviously when she leaves a bag open on the counter she isn't really keeping a secret. You know what she said to me today? "did you finish those sour cream and onion chips? Well, if they brought you peace and happiness then I'm glad you did it". I couldn't tell if she was serious or if she was making a joke. But it was not ok.

 

And I just want to state for the record that the term "manorexic" is horrible and needs to stop. Men shouldn't be ashamed of their issues and we should all be able to talk about it. Most of my friends are guys and they all struggle with body image in one way or another. So for all of the guys reading these posts who don't feel comfortable enough to respond, I invite you to a plus-size hug (you're right that term sucks)

 

I like this two-things idea. Here are mine for the day.

 

1) I stopped laying around feeling sorry for myself and actually did some homework today. And I'm going to go back to working on my super boring extra credit paper after I finish this post. I NEVER do extra credit work. I also looked into local OA and ABA meetings. I think I'll go to one soon.

2) I have a sexy collar bone and high cheek bones. I've always been complimented on them but I'm starting to have real pride in them.

 

You know what else I'm proud of? ALL OF YOU GUYS! *group hug*

[I-Jo]

Lol love those V cuts. it's my favorite muscular feature. usually has decent abs to go with it... but drool I love the sex muscles. go you for getting them. Rock them out sister... that's something to totally be proud of!

[goodbyeharrison]

Thanks for posting this. I wish I had seen this before I started that thread that introduced me to you, I would have just chimed in here.

 

I've always been an over eater and addictive tendencies run in my family. My grandmother and both of her sons (my uncles) were/are alcoholics. My mom swore not to fall victim to that and I've always admired it, but I've realized in the past few years that she filled that tendency with food. And she passed that on to me.

 

In high school I wanted to be anorexic. That sounds really weird. And I've never actually said it until just now. But I was always really jealous of how the girls in those health videos had the discipline to stop eating. I would try to not eat for a day but by dinner I'd be in a horrible fog and end up binging, and usually on crap.

 

In general I have to say that I'm the healthiest I've ever been in terms of  mentality (hence the ability to post this). I lost 20+ pounds after I joined NF, but I gained all of it back recently, if not more. The culprit is snacking, really. I'm good pretty much all day until I come home and then I usually eat until it hurts, and then I eat some more. I don't want to blame my mom but a lot of it is because I love with her. I asked her to stop buying potato chips and her solution was to buy them and not tell me. But obviously when she leaves a bag open on the counter she isn't really keeping a secret. You know what she said to me today? "did you finish those sour cream and onion chips? Well, if they brought you peace and happiness then I'm glad you did it". I couldn't tell if she was serious or if she was making a joke. But it was not ok.

 

And I just want to state for the record that the term "manorexic" is horrible and needs to stop. Men shouldn't be ashamed of their issues and we should all be able to talk about it. Most of my friends are guys and they all struggle with body image in one way or another. So for all of the guys reading these posts who don't feel comfortable enough to respond, I invite you to a plus-size hug (you're right that term sucks)

 

I like this two-things idea. Here are mine for the day.

 

1) I stopped laying around feeling sorry for myself and actually did some homework today. And I'm going to go back to working on my super boring extra credit paper after I finish this post. I NEVER do extra credit work. I also looked into local OA and ABA meetings. I think I'll go to one soon.

2) I have a sexy collar bone and high cheek bones. I've always been complimented on them but I'm starting to have real pride in them.

 

You know what else I'm proud of? ALL OF YOU GUYS! *group hug*

 

 

 

Lol sounds like we both have some mom issues too regarding food. My mom also used eating as a coping mechanism..i picked that up apparently. I really am a lot like my mom, when i look at her minor OCD tendencies, her appetite and eating habits, heck i even look like her. I have asked her to not leave candy around, and not tell me about tempting foods that she eats. Thankfully my mom cooks healthy overall. She doesn't buy chips..but she will buy tater tots.. ugh

 

Lol love those V cuts. it's my favorite muscular feature. usually has decent abs to go with it... but drool I love the sex muscles. go you for getting them. Rock them out sister... that's something to totally be proud of!

 

 

I may not have me some abs, but i gots me some sex muscles. Lol my abs are still shy and hiding behind a layer of fat. But thats okay, my mini V cut is still there, and maybe one day my abs will say hello to the world. Building muscle is a bit harder for me, so getting my BF% down is a pain in my butt (i can say that now because i have a mini baby butt!hah!).

[KittyNoir]

I've always been an over eater and addictive tendencies run in my family. My grandmother and both of her sons (my uncles) were/are alcoholics. My mom swore not to fall victim to that and I've always admired it, but I've realized in the past few years that she filled that tendency with food. And she passed that on to me.

 

In high school I wanted to be anorexic. That sounds really weird. And I've never actually said it until just now. But I was always really jealous of how the girls in those health videos had the discipline to stop eating. I would try to not eat for a day but by dinner I'd be in a horrible fog and end up binging, and usually on crap.

 

oh gosh, this sounds like me and my mother to a major extent. (granted, around me being in middle school she realised she had a problem and worked towards fixing it.)

 

i have issues with binge eating. i'm not 100% sure if what i have counts as an eating disorder. but i do know i have, at times, an unhealthy obsession with food. i've been told that my issues with binging has to do with my Bipolar disorder, but it's really hard to not internalize a hell of a lot of self-hatred about it.

[61stRevolt]

Lol sounds like we both have some mom issues too regarding food. My mom also used eating as a coping mechanism..i picked that up apparently. I really am a lot like my mom, when i look at her minor OCD tendencies, her appetite and eating habits, heck i even look like her. I have asked her to not leave candy around, and not tell me about tempting foods that she eats. Thankfully my mom cooks healthy overall. She doesn't buy chips..but she will buy tater tots.. ugh

 

My mom and I are actually not much alike at all, I get most of looks and personality traits from my dad's side of the family. This thread has made me do a lot of thinking about my mom, her relationship with food and how that has all affected me. She used to make herself feel really bad about being fat, which would make me feel like I was supposed to feel bad about it too. But then she wouldn't do anything to fix it, and I guess I picked that up too. Haha, I feel like I'm in a therapist's office and he's saying "tell me about your mother".... but the cool thing about my mom is that she'll cook paleo for me when I ask her to because she really cares about me. She just doesn't realize that since everyone else in the house is eating poorly, it's hard for me to stay on task. That's not her fault really, I've never actually told her that. I guess I should but I know even if she tries to change it won't stick, and I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. I'm actually staying with my boyfriend's parents for a few days to get away from that environment and clear my head. His parents aren't much healthier, but I'm not comfortable enough here to snack leisurely.

 

I'm 23 years old and I'm looking to move out in August. I've told myself for years that once I move out I'll have a clean slate and I won't have my family's habits affecting my grocery list. This is true, but I'm realizing if I don't do some work on solving some of the issues that cause me to snack and over eat that I'll end up botching the opportunity for a clean slate.

oh gosh, this sounds like me and my mother to a major extent. (granted, around me being in middle school she realised she had a problem and worked towards fixing it.)

 

i have issues with binge eating. i'm not 100% sure if what i have counts as an eating disorder. but i do know i have, at times, an unhealthy obsession with food. i've been told that my issues with binging has to do with my Bipolar disorder, but it's really hard to not internalize a hell of a lot of self-hatred about it.

I think every girl I've ever known has had some form of an eating disorder or another. I think it's just normal, everyone has body image issues, and everyone knows it's related to diet and exercise. I understand what you mean about internalizing self-hatred even though the binging is attributed to an actual disorder. I'm actually kind of experiencing the opposite right now. It's like, because I'm realizing how normal it is to have an over eating/food addiction problem, I'm not hating on myself so much for it. But it's also leading me to not feel guilty about it when I actually act on those urges. So that's why I'm trying to be proactive and get these habits in check.

 

1) Today I was proactive and got myself out of an unhealthy environment so that I can work on being healthy.

2) I have dainty hands, wrists, feet and ankles. Well I shouldn't say "dainty", a woman US 11 shoe isn't exactly dainty, but my my hands and feet are really slender and kind of elegant. But it's kind of cool to see what the rest of my body has the potential to be. I don't think I'll ever be "skinny", but I'd be down with looking elegant.

[goodbyeharrison]

1) i've been feeling lazy but i did a quick 15 min workout before having to leave. might do my regular workout if i don't go out tonight after work. i just wanted to do something, even if it wasn't a regular workout so i wouldn't be so dang lazy.

 

Also, plans fell through last night. Didn't get irritated like i normally would, instead i made the best of my night by going to see Iron Man 3. I was by myself, so i could have used it as an excuse to binge on movie snacks, but i didn't. Instead i had some cutie tangerines when i got home as a snack. win.

 

2) I like how outgoing i have become. I was not always outgoing, and making new friends was difficult when i was younger. I just did not want to be the first person to introduce myself, and it scared me a little i guess. Even during high school i still was in my shell. But different factors (i was in high school, so yea drinking) and getting a job helped me with that.Especially working at a restaurant as a waitress/bartender, that has really helped with taking away my shyness. I'll admit, i did use alcohol as a crutch for a little while to help break out of that shell. But guess what? now i don't drink and sure as hell don't need it to talk to people. I still have certain moments where i feel im back in my shell, and ill pick and choose who i want to talk to, but people talking to people does not scare me or make me uncomfortable like it used to!!