Dealing with negative people

[Ensi]

Right now I'm in a difficult situation with some relationships I have, and need the feel to discuss the problems I have.

 

My problem is that I have some 'friends', who make me feel bad all the time. Occasionally there are good moments and we have a good time, but there's something going on all the time.

 

For example, one of my friends often bashes fat people and people, who have only watched Marvel/DC movies but not read the comics. This makes me feel bad, because she can obviously see that I am fat and I haven't read the comics much, only seen the movies. She also always talks about herself and her problems, and if I try to encourage her, she says that I don't really mean what I say to make her feel better. She keeps insisting that I will leave her when I get enough of her company, and... Well, she's slowly becoming her self-fulfilled prophecy, so to say. It's always this "me against the world (and sometimes you, Ensi)" mentality that I can't stand anymore. Sometimes she calls me, and talks about her cats for an hour and laughs that she's crazy with all kinds of medication. I can't help her, and she sometimes says that I leave her alone and I don't try to be with her enough (she lives at least 400 km away from me, so we can't even see each other so often).

 

Then there's this other person with whom I spend time a couple of years ago (let's call her Anne). Then I noticed that our conversations were mostly about her, and if I said "I fell off a horse, my back hurts..." her reply would be "Ha, I fell off a horse and broke a leg five years ago!" and that would kill the conversation pretty much. When I would go home after spending time with Anne, I would feel empty and exhausted for reasons I can't really realise myself, either. I just didn't feel good around her, so I just figured that maybe she's not enjoying my company so much either and didn't keep in touch much. Yesterday she sent me a message and asked me, if I was angry at her and what's wrong with me. We haven't really even spent time together in two years, and now she sends this message, leaving me feel kind of baffled. We have a mutual friend (let's call her Emily), and sometimes the three of us hang out together (twice a year, at most). Now I'm a little afraid that Anne will tell Emily bad things about me. Emily and Anne are very good friends, and since Emily's the best friend I've ever had, and I would be very sad if Anne tried to mess things up between us.

 

Sigh. These are the worst ones, I feel like I can handle the rest more or less. I would like to slowly leave this people out of my life, because they fill me with negative feelings and only seem to use me to feel better about themselves. How should I deal with this situation?

 

(Not to say that I wouldn't help a friend in need, but if they start blaming me for their hardcomings and not curing them, I get horrible anxiety. I have some depressed friends, who I'm happy to help and who really try to make their lives better.)

[MissMormie]

It's up to you to make a decision in this. And that decision might very well be to not be friends anymore. Sounds harsh, but it's better to make that decision (and share it) that to muddle on, costing both of you a lot of energy. I've done this twice in the past. Once with a girl who has been my BFF for years, but slowly we grew apart and we both felt bad about not talking that often, not really having anything to say when we did, and not seeing each other every week (or day) anymore. It's basically the same as a break-up in a relationship. You've had good times, but now it's better to go at it alone. 

 

As for your relationship with Anne I'd send her back something like  "No, I'm not angry at you. If and when I see you at, for example, Emely's birthday I'm happy to talk to you, but I feel we are acquaintances who see each other twice a year rather than friends, which is why you haven't heard from me." 

 

Doesn't sound too nice, but it is clear and truthful, which I believe is better in the long run.  

[Angie4b1g]

I couldn't be surrounded by negativity.  Life is too short to foster relationships that just bring you down.

[Ensi]

Thank you for your answer, MissMornie! I answered Anne yesterday, and she has seen my message but hasn't answered yet. I feel at ease now, and I'm going to deal with the other person like you said... We both draw comics, so I could say that I'm happy to see her whenever there's a comic festival or something, but otherwise I'm busy with my studies at the moment (which is the truth).

 

 

I couldn't be surrounded by negativity.  Life is too short to foster relationships that just bring you down.

 

I agree. Spending less time with these people has made me a more positive person, which pretty much means that I should probably just keep my distance.

 

Thanks again, both of you, just sharing this with someone helped me a lot.