Depression

[kaelvan]

I once cried over a car commercial with a polar bear in it.

[Stonie]

I've cried over more commercials then I feel comfortable admitting to. xD Also the movie "Up" did a number on me. And Dobby's death in the final harry potter (even when I knew it was coming!) D:

[Toxophilite]

I'll just leave this here... :'(

[MariahSnow]

I had a complete existential crisis after I saw Interstellar, filled with rage and tears, mostly due to the enormity of the universe and the insignificance of life and the epic uncaring-ness of time (yes I just made a word up). We're all so small, and the universe is so immense. And time marches on and doesn't give a shit about you.

 

I believe I was screaming things like, "when I die there's just going to be nothing, nothing, nothing" and "everyone I've ever known and loved is going to die".

 

I'm sure it was real fun for my boyfriend

[Artinum]

My existential crisis was at about 15. I concluded that there was no meaning to life and nothing mattered. So what was the point in trying?

A few years later, I turned that around. There's no meaning to life, so do whatever makes you feel good. I slept with a lot of people after that realisation, and now my life is a little more meaningful, because I fill it with things of interest.

 

But sometimes, the existential angst returns.

[Machete]

Don't know when it started for me. Seems like it's all been the same as far as I can remember (which is not that far back). I just figured everyone seems to be able to find meaning in seemingly mundane and inconsequential things--why should I be any different? However tempting it is to actually believe so sometimes, I am really not any better than everyone else. Perhaps they're all faking enthusiasm as well. If not, they know something that I don't; so I might as well fake it with them until I eventually make it (and find out what they know that I don't).

 

Thinking that I am only one of the select few who are actually aware of the nature of our meaningless existence honestly seems rather pretentious to me. Sure everyone (including myself) may call me shallow for being so preoccupied with my grappling tournaments, lifting numbers, and protein intake, but it's a distraction. It gives me a path to follow for the meantime instead of just aimlessly wandering, waiting for death. Neither the journey nor the destination may turn out to be important, but it at least kept my mind occupied.

[Candace Koller]

Figuring out life was meaningless was never a big issue for me. I just figured as long as I enjoyed myself it didn't matter. But then I stopped enjoying myself. And then I learned I never really had enjoyed myself. That's when everything started to really fall apart for me. I've learned to live without meaning, now I need to learn to enjoy myself. I can't really say enjoy myself again, just really enjoy myself for the first time. I'm making slow progress.

[cracked_belle]

My existential crisis was at about 15. I concluded that there was no meaning to life and nothing mattered. So what was the point in trying?

A few years later, I turned that around. There's no meaning to life, so do whatever makes you feel good. I slept with a lot of people after that realisation, and now my life is a little more meaningful, because I fill it with things of interest.

 

But sometimes, the existential angst returns.

 

I love Allie.

[MariahSnow]

Figuring out life was meaningless was never a big issue for me. I just figured as long as I enjoyed myself it didn't matter. But then I stopped enjoying myself. And then I learned I never really had enjoyed myself. That's when everything started to really fall apart for me. I've learned to live without meaning, now I need to learn to enjoy myself. I can't really say enjoy myself again, just really enjoy myself for the first time. I'm making slow progress.

 

Don't know when it started for me. Seems like it's all been the same as far as I can remember (which is not that far back). I just figured everyone seems to be able to find meaning in seemingly mundane and inconsequential things--why should I be any different? However tempting it is to actually believe so sometimes, I am really not any better than everyone else. Perhaps they're all faking enthusiasm as well. If not, they know something that I don't; so I might as well fake it with them until I eventually make it (and find out what they know that I don't).

 

Thinking that I am only one of the select few who are actually aware of the nature of our meaningless existence honestly seems rather pretentious to me. Sure everyone (including myself) may call me shallow for being so preoccupied with my grappling tournaments, lifting numbers, and protein intake, but it's a distraction. It gives me a path to follow for the meantime instead of just aimlessly wandering, waiting for death. Neither the journey nor the destination may turn out to be important, but it at least kept my mind occupied.

 

Whenever I find myself tumbling down the rabbit hole, these thoughts crop up. But I think they're actually just a meanie inside you saying it and it's not really true. It's kind of like a bully saying, "nobody likes you". That's not even remotely true. And I don't think it's remotely true that I've never enjoyed myself, I just don't remember it. And that bully is reinforcing my doubts.

[cracked_belle]

I have addiction. it sucks. but the nice thing about it was that while using (alcohol, pills, behaviour, whatever), I forgot just how debilitating my Depression was. but now that I'm finding sobriety, all that pain and despair is coming back.

I don't what is suggests when I'm more depressed and suicidal while sober than while using, lol.

[kaelvan]

I have addiction. it sucks. but the nice thing about it was that while using (alcohol, pills, behaviour, whatever), I forgot just how debilitating my Depression was. but now that I'm finding sobriety, all that pain and despair is coming back.

I don't what is suggests when I'm more depressed and suicidal while sober than while using, lol.

 

Substitute alcohol, pills, or whatever and it sum up the usual case of depression

 

Yeah I was like that for long time after I gave up cutting (and burning). It is the worst feeling in the world.

 

Some times finding the root of the cause of your original depression can help with the process. Mine was bottled up anger over years and years of my childhood. Trying to be perfect for everyone not the best thing to strive for. (It still work in progress for me.)

[Candace Koller]

I have addiction. it sucks. but the nice thing about it was that while using (alcohol, pills, behaviour, whatever), I forgot just how debilitating my Depression was. but now that I'm finding sobriety, all that pain and despair is coming back.

I don't what is suggests when I'm more depressed and suicidal while sober than while using, lol.

 

I've been there too. It sucks. Once I stopped using I started cutting more frequently to deal with my depression. After I stopped cutting I started bruising. After a lot of therapy I finally realized they were all coping skills, just really bad ones that were destructive. The way I stopped was finding new ways to cope that worked for me. Things like writing and learning to properly express my emotions.  It's not foolproof and I slip back into self harm sometimes but it's good when it works.

[redwoodfog]

----------

[cracked_belle]

Substitute alcohol, pills, or whatever and it sum up the usual case of depression

 

Yeah I was like that for long time after I gave up cutting (and burning). It is the worst feeling in the world.

 

Some times finding the root of the cause of your original depression can help with the process. Mine was bottled up anger over years and years of my childhood. Trying to be perfect for everyone not the best thing to strive for. (It still work in progress for me.)

 

ooh, thank you for sharing!!

 

and yeah, i self-injure too.  I stopped that (and got better control of my eating disorder) when I started drinking.  and now that I'm not drinking, I'm dealing with the ED again, and my urges to SI have returned.

just trading one addiction for another.  :/

[kaelvan]

ooh, thank you for sharing!!

 

and yeah, i self-injure too.  I stopped that (and got better control of my eating disorder) when I started drinking.  and now that I'm not drinking, I'm dealing with the ED again, and my urges to SI have returned.

just trading one addiction for another.  :/

Sadly, we're all at higher risk of another addiction.

[Glacier]

So I had an interesting realization recently... A couple of weeks ago, the pastor at church was talking about "the other," in terms of racial and economic difference. And talking about engaging in dialogue with people who are different from us, and about not getting stuck only talking with "our own group."

And I thought, "I don't *have* a group. Absolutely everybody is part of 'the other' to me." Yes, even my awesome husband and beautiful kids. We seem to be on separate, but somehow overlapping, planets.

And then it hit me: my "group" is people who have experienced mental illness. Seriously. The people I'm most comfortable with-- and the people who seem to understand me best, even just in normal conversation-- are the depressed/borderline/schizo-affective/whathaveyou.

The problem, of course, is "we" don't all hang out in some particular part of town... Looking for friendship, I can't just go to some certain place and be friendly. No wonder I'm so lonely! Everyone else just makes friends based on socioeconomic status? Or something?

[Hit]

I never feel like i have a group of fellow "people with mental illness". Queers, self harmers, kinksters. The suicidal maybe. But i never seem to click with people just because of their headspace.

Maybe its that whole actions speak louder than thoughts thing. But then again im truscum.

[kaelvan]

I think most people are quiet about their mental problems and try and avoid bring it up, even people they knew very well.

 

I been in and out having a "group". Right now internet only place I can find one for now.

[Glacier]

Good points, there. Maybe it's being able to talk about things that's really what I connect with. You know, that makes a heck of a lot of sense. I do value straightforwardness. So anyway, it would make sense that a person who talks about their own struggles would be someone I'd click with. And those who don't talk about things... Well, I'd never know there were *things* in the first place.

Then again, there's something to be said for meeting others who get that I'm not lazy or spiteful or any of that... I really am doing my best, all the time. Hm.

[cracked_belle]

Sadly, we're all at higher risk of another addiction.

whee comorbidity!!  >:/

[cracked_belle]

the more sober I get, the more I realise how much I don't want to be alive.  :/

 

I think I liked it better when I was waking up with and focusing on my hangovers and obtaining something Use, rather than waking with dread and hate and focusing on efforts to not kill myself.  at least with the former, I didn't realise how bad things were most of the time; it was easier to lie to myself.

 

::le sigh::

[kaelvan]

Since quitting my addictions (been almost 2 years now), I notice how unfulfilling my life is. I'm trying to fix it, but I notice I starting to hit a wall again.

 

Maybe if I finally stop being such a pushover. As well as, finally leave and do what I want to do with my life and be me for once (kinda hard living a lie).

[cracked_belle]

Since quitting my addictions (been almost 2 years now), I notice how unfulfilling my life is. I'm trying to fix it, but I notice I starting to hit a wall again.

 

Maybe if I finally stop being such a pushover. As well as, finally leave and do what I want to do with my life and be me for once (kinda hard living a lie).

 

let me know if you need any encouragement in this. 

[cracked_belle]

I didn't commit suicide last night.  and I even made it to work this morning.

 

#ItsTheLittleThings

[kaelvan]

let me know if you need any encouragement in this. 

Could use some.

 

I notice today I actually thought of buying a six pack. I don't even really drink. Funny how my mind can easily switching from self harm to wanting to drink. Only had one drink today though. I notice how my mind wanted to drink some more after that.

 

Really sucks being a financial burden on my parents now.

 

And being controlled in every little thing in my life. I have no social life. I literally don't have friends, except on the internet. I'm so poor and I'm not allowed to work at certain jobs. I hate my major, but I don't want to deal with my parents shit about how I won't amount to anything (especially if I was to change major to art...only thing I really want to do).  I'm literally cooped up in my house, since I'm not allowed to go anywhere, except school and work. Then, I get made to feel guilty for wanting to go to my work's Christmas party. Too terrified to tell them I planning on going Camp NF, I'll be made to feel like shit after that. And sure as shit ain't going to tell them about me being freakin lesbian.

 

Ok I'm doing venting.

 

I didn't commit suicide last night.  and I even made it to work this morning.

 

#ItsTheLittleThings

Well that's good to hear. We quit like having you around.