Self-Esteem and Weight loss

[Brittomart]

Is this where we come to talk about love and dating and all that? Because I've got a ton of feelings to process about how working out affects my self-esteem, and I would really love Nerd Fitness' take on that.

 

So I've been fat my whole life. Literally since the womb: I was born a month early, yet I was still 10 lbs overweight. My self-esteem has suffered greatly because of my childhood, adolescent, and now adult obesity. I'm sure I'm not the only one here who has this story. I didn't have a single date throughout high school (although I did look fucking BUSTED - weight aside, I just didn't take care of myself). 

 

I got a small self-esteem kick in college when I started performing stand-up comedy, but I wasn't a "hot" female comedian, so that didn't really help in the dude department. I've had flings, but nothing long lasting. DEFINITELY nothing you'd call a boyfriend which is what I've always wanted. 

 

In the past, that's what my weight loss motivation always was. "I'm gonna lose 150lbs, and then I'm gonna meet the man of my dreams, and he's gonna marry me, and I'm gonna have a big wedding and invite all the guys who turned me down to show them what they missed out on." And I always end up in a huge sobbing mess of sadness pudding, drowning in a tub of ice cream. I'm trying to focus reworking how I view fitness in my brain, but I'd be lying if I didn't say finding someone to love me isn't one of my biggest motivations. Sure, I can get a date now. There are guys who want to date me.

 

But that comes to my next problem, which is I'm a power whore. I like alphas, and not alphas in that weird, pick-up artist way. I mean, I want a man who commands attention when he walks in the room, but he's not a dick about it. Always charming (because really, that's how you get what you want. Make other people think they want it, too). I like guys who go after what they want because they believe they deserve it. They don't whine about doing something - they just fucking do it. They're smart, passionate, and yes, controlling. (Think Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails. No, seriously, you think I'm kidding, but my ideal guy is Trent Reznor. I'm obsessed with him.) I had a thing going with a really powerful lawyer in DC, and the way he talked to me, and his attitude towards me, I just want nothing but that.

 

But no guy like that seriously wants a girl like me. Sure, I'm really smart, and crazy funny, and "bright," and I'm a good listener and my friends and family love the shit out of me. All of that only leads to guys calling me a "sweet girl," and dumping me after hookups like a bad job rejection email. 

 

 

[JPrev]

You gotta do fitness for its own sake and nothing else.  Sure, it's easier to date when you're fit, but fit does not lead to the happily ever after you're talking about.  Girls don't fall in love because of 6 packs.  Guys don't settle down because of curves.  There are many, many reasons to become fit, but true love isn't one of them.  Having a fit body may help get things started, but it won't ever seal the deal.  If it does, there are probably some problems in the relationship.  One of the best feelings in the world is when you have someone who only cares whether or not you're healthy.  My girlfriend would be concerned if I let myself go and drove myself into the ground, but she doesn't love me for my muscles.  If anything, she calls me a dork when I get excited to try new lifts.  Rightly so.

 

So get fit because it's what you want to do.  Do it because you want to see what your body can do and you want to be healthy.  Form follows function: if you're healthy, you will look healthy, and healthy is sexy.  That's a genetic truth.  You'll probably find people are more interested, because people are into people who are healthy.  Not even super model fit.  Just good ol' healthy.  Being healthy will get people interested, but it won't make them fall in love.  Make sure you avoid the mental trap of "I need to be even thinner before I get the attention I want."

[jasonkoller]

I was in pretty good shape when I met my wife while we were in the Air Force.
Then I left the AF, and started putting on weight. I was pretty massive when we started dating, and I was even bigger when we got married.

She actually photoshopped all of our wedding pics to slim me down so I wouldn't feel bad about it without telling me about it. (This was two years ago, I just found out. I think that's awesome that she is so considerate.)

 

I'm just now starting taking my weight/health/diet seriously.

Even if I go back to my binge eating ways and get absurdly huge, she'll still love me and take care of me.

A person should fall in love with you for you character and personality.

Not what you look like.

Besides, We're all going to be old and decrepit eventually.

[spockgrrl]

I've struggled with my weight, body image, and self esteem my whole life. I've yo-yoed and have been several different sizes. Let me tell you from experience that if you're working out and eating differently while solely focused on how your body looks and whether that will attract men, you're always going to find something to hate about your body, even if you get to that ideal place.

 

What has really worked for me this time around is that as I work out, I'm really focusing on how I feel, I'm pushing myself during my workouts past the point where I feel like giving up. I'm listening to my body and moving up in weights when I can and moving down in weights when I need to. If I feel a binge coming on, I'm questioning the reasons why I feel like I need to binge - and if I do binge, I forgive myself and move on.

 

The point I'm getting at is that living a healthy lifestyle is something I never really thought I could commit to, but now that I've shifted my focus away from how I look and put more thought into how I feel, I'm really learning to love myself. As an added bonus, my skin and hair look better, my mind is clearer, and my tummy is shrinking. But even if the scale wasn't moving, I would know that I had put in the effort to take care of myself, and that makes me feel really proud. Everyone says that confidence is the sexiest trait, so maybe that's a good place to start. Good luck!

[Cr33g]

My post to your thread Brittomart is gonna be a bit long, so I apologize if it's "tl;dr" (too long, didn't read). 

 

JPrev makes a good point. When it comes to health and fitness, ultimately it has to be for you and no body else. Well, okay... maybe there are some exceptions when it comes to "no body else", e.g. an overweight father/mother might try to lose weight and get healthy for their children's sake for example, but for most people, it's about you. It's about making yourself feel better, for you, and it's about becoming healthier and happier, for you, and it's about becoming a physically and mentally stronger version of yourself. Yeah okay, I kinda stole the last quote from Elliot Hulse of YouTube's Strength Camp, but it makes sense! 

 

I know what it's like to have a self esteem because of body image. In fact, at twenty six years old I still don't have the highest of self esteems, but I am improving slowly. 

 

I used to be really overweight. I was overweight from my early teenage years, since I was about twelve or so, up until I was about twenty one. Shortly after I turned twenty one, I was at a body weight of 130 kg (about 286 Ibs). In my early years of high school, when I was twelve to sixteen years old, I was bullied a lot. I was quiet, shy and very nerdy (still am a bit shy and very nerdy) but because of these traits plus my body weight, I was picked on a lot. You name it, I heard a lot of fat jokes, "ugly" comments and other words like "gay", "faggot" etc, the works. Sometimes the bullying was physical too. I remember being punched in the face because I apparently wasn't allowed to sit at one particular table on lunch break. I remember being thrown into a puddle of water, being picked up and thrown onto my back etc. Not very nice stuff. When I turned sixteen I went to a new school were the bullying stopped for the most part and usually everyone was nice, but people still made nasty comments about my weight and body. It wasn't hard to hear them trying to be quiet about it. The same went on through my early university life. Because of my low self esteem and self worth I could barely talk to girls who I was attracted to, let alone girls in general. 

 

I've posted this story before somewhere here at Nerd Fitness, but I'm gonna do it again to help my point:

 

Shortly after I turned twenty one I went to a big massive party, a friend's double birthday party. Lot of people were there and there was a lot of alcohol. There were these two big guys there and at first they seemed really cool, but as the night went on and as more drinks were consumed, they slowly started getting nastier and nastier, proceeding to threaten people and damage property. They broke something and in a drunken state, I approached them and asked what happened. They responded with laughter, "This c*** did it! This c***!", I ask "What are you talking about?" and unprovoked, they both grabbed me and started to punch me in the chest and stomach. They eventually let me go and told me to "f*** off", which I did. Unfortunately though, I ran into them later in the night and they did the same thing again. Grabbed me by the hair, proceeding to punch me in the stomach and chest while insulting me and threatening me further. My friends got 'em off, the entire party told them to leave. Their mate tried to argue for them to stay, I put my hand on the guy's shoulder and said "Your friends are causing a lot of trouble", to which he responded "Don't f***ing touch me". Later on, one of my friends who knows this guy said to me "You shouldn't have touched him. He does MMA. He would rape you." Wow. Nice. 

 

So... for a couple of weeks I was a nervous wreck. I was kinda scared to go outside or public places, afraid of running into those two guys, or that "MMA guy" again. I decided I wanted to stop being scared and I wanted to learn a self defence. So I did some research and found the closest available place that was also the cheapest, and that was judo. Why was I looking for location and price? At the time I didn't have my driver's license and I didn't have a job, as I was a university student at the time. I also wanted to practice something that I felt I wasn't going to run into any bad people, like those guys at the party, hence why I didn't try MMA. 

 

So I went to my first session of judo and I saw a bunch of fit people doing crazy things with their bodies. I was scared and nervous. I did my first session and barely survived, I was so unfit and I was so sore for days afterwards. I didn't want to go back, but I forced myself to go back, because I felt if I didn't go back, I would be letting those guys at the party "win". So, I forced myself to go. I only ended up training twice a week (out of three) because I managed to get myself some weekend casual work. 

 

After two weeks of training I noticed that there was a set of scales there. I decided to weigh myself and bam, 122 kg (268 Ibs). In two weeks I dropped 8 kg (17 Ibs). I was so thrilled and happy, I've never lost weight before. Suddenly without realizing, my goal of doing judo changed, it wasn't to learn self defence, it was to lose weight and get fit and healthy. Fast forward nine months later, I dropped 32 kg (70 Ibs). 

 

Fast forward about five and a half years later, I'm still doing judo. I've been going to the gym for nearly three years now (been doing power lifting for one year) and I did over a year of Wing Chun kung fu, and I've travelled to compete in judo competitions and now I even help coach kids. My life and my character has totally changed, all because I got beat up. Should I be grateful? No. I'm not. However, I am thankful to myself that I was able to pull something positive out of a negative situation and thus become a stronger version of myself for it. 

 

My point is this - at first, you might have different goals in mind as to why you want to get fit and healthy. For me, I wanted to do judo to learn how to fight, it had nothing to do with weight loss or health. Some people want to do it to simply look better and more appealing and honestly that's fine, that's fair enough, we all desire to be more attractive especially to the ones we find attractive. But when you begin your journey of health and fitness, you may find that slowly, your goals and your desires may begin to change. Suddenly instead of wanting to look better, you might want to achieve a certain body weight and lose a certain amount of weight, you might want to get to a certain body fat percentage, you might want to be able to lift a certain amount of weight or be able to run or bike ride a certain distance. You start to challenge yourself, you start to set yourself goals and your desire is to achieve your goals and set new ones after that. Suddenly, there is no destination, there is no "goal", there is only the journey and that's what makes it a life style and at the end of the day, it's all for you, because you want to. 

 

As your body gets healthier and fitter, you become stronger both physically and mentally. It's not just your body that's going to change, it's your mindset and character. You won't get more confident over night, but you'll become more confident and you'll really blossom and glow. 

 

Sorry for such a long post. I hope this helps and makes a bit of sense and sorry if I went off topic.

[Brittomart]

Thank you very much for sharing your story with me!

[Anaticula]

Very inspiring Cr33g.

 

Brittomart, I'm in a similar spot as you, everyone says what a wonderful personality I've got, yet every guy I've asked out wasn't interested.  It's difficult working up the courage to ask a guy out when you're shy and overweight, but it's even more difficult to ask out another guy after you've been rejected.  For a while I told myself that if the guy didn't want to go out with me because of my weight then he wasn't the right guy. I've finally reached a point though where I want to lose weight.  However, I'm doing it because I want to be healthier, not just to get a guy to ask me out, though I will admit, it'll be nice when that does happen! As I'm just starting my journey I don't have a lot of advice to offer except this, find an exercise you enjoy doing, it makes it a lot easier to keep doing it. Best of luck!