For the last gosh darn time LET'S DO THIS THING

[phoenixmelody]

Hi All - 

 

Melody here. 5'5'', 220 lbs.

 

So I've been a part of Nerd Fitness for (I think) about 5 months now and I've been really slacking in the "being active on the forums" category... But fortunately this is the time I'm going to change that. 

Here's whats got me down in the dumps:

• Work is hectic
  I'm a graduate student in the physical sciences, so my work heavily revolves around whether or not I can get code to work or whether my lab equipment behaves as needed (not a lot of stuff I have control over). Right now the goals that my advisor have set for me are really vague because I'm the only one in our collaboration (international, >100 members) who understands what's going on... But there are more problems than solutions... So I'm really just taking it one day at a time, trying to solve the little problems that will hopefully start pulling the strings the big scary knot in front of me. 
   
• Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
  I was diagnosed with GAD about 2 years ago now. This means that during my normal day my baseline level of anxiety is higher and normal every-day stressors turn into crippling problems. I also have panic attacks and moderate but infrequent insomnia. I'm managing it, but its been a problem in the past - every little slip up seems like the end of the world.... It could be that I caved and had that chocolate bar or that I weighed myself and I only maintained my weight instead of losing it... Then I want something to stop the anxiety and those things turn out to be sweets or vegging in front of the TV. 
   
• Physical Injuries
  Part of being hefty means your joints are painful in general. I have Runner's Knee simply from having bad genetics but it means that I can't run or do anything that involves slamming my feet into hard surfaces (biking and jumping rope are two of my favorite exercises but they have become so painful that I can't do them anymore). I have also strained a tendon in my food (peroneal tendinosis) and that has kept me from going to the gym. 
   
• Lack of Accountabilibuddies (soon to change!)
  Most of the people in my immediate friends group spend a lot of time at the gym, but they are all in great shape and can run/lift a lot more than I can. I feel like I can't keep up with them and it just ends up making me feel more miserable. I have been trying yoga with a friend but I run into the same problem - I can't hold up my own weight while she's doing gorgeous poses. I know they have all worked hard to get where they are now but that thought isn't running through my head when I can't hold a plank for more than 5 seconds.
   
• Family Stress
  About 5 months ago my dad called me and told me he had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Normally this type of cancer is easily treated through hormone therapy, radiation, and/or chemo. It unfortunately had started spreading to his spine, so radiation was out of the picture. Chemo seemed to be working, but from what I understand it stopped being effective and only started causing him more pain from the side effects. The outlook does not seem very pretty for the next 5-6 years. 

 

All of the above rolled into one big ball of fun has made my health and weight and diet fall WAY down the list of my priorities. My life became about just making it through the day without losing all my marbles at once. 
But that stops now. 

I came to a realization reading Steve's post about the Respawn Point, that I just have to try to work on my weight and my diet and my fitness. Just trying to change something on top of all of those things I listed above is a GREAT ACCOMPLISHMENT. So that's what we're doing - we're trying. 

 

Here are some of my goals going into the end of the year:

1. No bubbly, thank you.
   I started the "NO SODA" rule as a 2014 resolution and I have managed to keep this up with only slight hiccups (like mixed drinks). It is reasonable to keep this one going! (And its something I can focus on when the going gets tough --> "You already gave up soda, YOU CAN GO TO BED ON TIME".) 
    
2. Onward to Rivendell!
   I can't run or bike, so walking will be my thing. Following Steve's post here, I'm looking to get to Rivendell by the end of the school year: June 12, 2015. That's 2.4 miles a day. This is a lot, but I think its feasible for me - I walk 1.5 miles every day already to work and back already. 
   This also means I have to track how much I walk which will keep fitness on the brain!!!
    
3. Phone a Friend
   By the beginning of the new year, I will recruit one friend to join me for a regularly scheduled fitness or diet activity. This could be that we both join a yoga class together, or maybe we get together once a week to make a delicious Paleo dinner feast. I really want someone that I see regularly that will keep me going!
    
4. Speaking of yoga...
   I have a brand new yoga mat that has been used.... maybe twice. I want to make yoga part of at least a weekly routine - maybe spend an hour or so on Sunday mornings, paired with meditation or some such self-awareness activity. As I start to get more strength, I can make it more frequent

 

Okay... So there's my life in a nutshell, as well as some goals I hope to work on. Things WILL get better, and stumbling is OH-KAAAYYYY. As long as we're trying!!!

 

 

 

 

[Aegle]

It's great that you acknowledge that stumbling is okay as long as you're trying. It's really important to not be discouraged and give up all hope. Instead, you must get back on track and little by little you'll go far. 

[phoenixmelody]

Yeah, it was a big realization. For some reason I was under the mentality that "oh I missed a day, better quit now before I start missing all the days". As I write that, it seems extra silly... But it was basically the fitness mantra I was living by. So now I know better. I'll make the choice to have salad instead of fried rice, or walk instead of taking the bus just because I feel lazy.

[WanderingLiz]

Huuuuge props for being aware of your sticking points, and for just trying.

 

I don't know about you, but it took me a while to work up the courage to even seek out a mental health diagnosis. But now that you know it's there, you can work on developing your toolset to keep it from becoming the Spiraling Suck of Doom, which totally sounds easier than it actually is. Just remember, whenever that little asshole spiral voice starts with the "I tried and failed I knew this was going to happen god why do I suck so much" etc etc etc, since your goal is to TRY, you're successful! No actual failure occurred in the making of that day.

 

Suck on that, spiral voice.

 

<3

[Noname123]

It's odd that biking makes your knee hurt and walking doesn't, as it (biking) should generally put less stress on your knees and joints than even walking does Keep at it with walking if that is what works, when you strengthen you legs they support your joints so you might be able to work towards biking/running after a bit  

 

My knees were awful since I could remember- constant (very very painful) dislocations just from stepping off curbs weren't uncommon for me and I had that clicking noise when going up stairs. After training for a couple months I realized I hadn't experienced knee pain or issues since I started, so there's hope Especially with yoga, the stretching and strengthening will help loads!!!!

 

Good luck and if need any support shoot me a message  

[phoenixmelody]

I don't know about you, but it took me a while to work up the courage to even seek out a mental health diagnosis. But now that you know it's there, you can work on developing your toolset to keep it from becoming the Spiraling Suck of Doom, which totally sounds easier than it actually is. Just remember, whenever that little asshole spiral voice starts with the "I tried and failed I knew this was going to happen god why do I suck so much" etc etc etc, since your goal is to TRY, you're successful! No actual failure occurred in the making of that day.

 

Fortunately my family has always been very mental-health conscious & I've been very lucky to go to school with good medical insurance, so when I started having panic attacks and insomnia I went straight to the school counseling and psychological services center. Some treatments have been helpful, others not so much, but it's been a great weight off my shoulders to know that there is a physical reason for me feeling so crummy and giving myself huge guilt trips. I don't want to use it as an excuse for not working, but it allows me to prioritize my life knowing that some things are going to cause me more anxiety than others. 

 

 

It's odd that biking makes your knee hurt and walking doesn't, as it (biking) should generally put less stress on your knees and joints than even walking does Keep at it with walking if that is what works, when you strengthen you legs they support your joints so you might be able to work towards biking/running after a bit

 

Good luck and if need any support shoot me a message

 

I don't know why they act the way they do. I've tried getting x-rays and such and no one can explain outside of 'it's runner's knee'. I played varsity tennis all through high school and was always icing my knees when I got home because the quick turns and pivots over such a long stretch always caused quite a bit of pain. 

My biggest annoyance is that I can't go rock climbing - I'm terrified of heights, so rock climbing was a self-motivation tool for me. I could always trust my body to get me to the top, even if my brain was scared sh*tless. Now I can't do that anymore because my knee can't unbend when I have so much body weight on it again. 

In fact, I'm adding that to long term goals - finish the wall at the gym. I need to come up with a reasonable date for that (after consulting with PT of course )