Asperger/Autism/PDD/HFA Safe Space

[Bekah]

Heh. Might be why I'm still unemployed, despite a rather impressive résumé and 11 or so interviews that went fairly well as far as I know. (But what DO I know?) Sad to know other people are also sucking at life. And just when I was starting to think that I was finally adequately-adjusted to society. Part of me thinks I should just go back to the Army and hate my life but at least be productive.

 

The comments on the article are the best though. I can't wait until the end of the world. While I burn to death I will take immense pleasure in knowing for a fact that all those dirtbags, for at least once in their little pathetic entitled lives, will be experiencing the same pain that I would be, at least for few seconds. For once in this piece-of-shit existence there would finally be true equality. What a beautiful sight. Easily the best day of my life.

I hear ya. NEVER EVER EVER read the comments, it makes me homicidal in the worst way (as if there was a "better" side of homicidal! LOL)

[Machete]

I hear ya. NEVER EVER EVER read the comments, it makes me homicidal in the worst way (as if there was a "better" side of homicidal! LOL)

 

Maybe the kind of homicidal where you're planning on executing people for their own good via quick and painless deaths, and giving them time to say goodbye to their loved ones and have their affairs in order and also helping make all the funeral arrangements beforehand? That would be a funny series. Nice Guy Hitman. He apologizes after every hit.

[Artinum]

Women are still less likely to be diagnosed with autism today, and part of it is due to the fact that we expect young girls to be more social.

 

I think there might be a genetic component, too. Women get two of those X chromosomes, so if one of them is "bad" in some way, the other one usually covers for you. A lot of medical conditions affect far more men than women because of this. Men only have the one, so they don't get the same insurance - a woman could be carrying autism genes but not be affected by them (unless she's unlucky enough to get both X chromosomes buggered in the same way). While I don't know that autism is linked to that chromosome, it might explain a lot.

 

There's another interesting theory on gender differences, too - some studies have linked autism to a testosterone sensitivity in the womb. Since males would warrant higher levels of testosterone, this might explain why female embryos are not affected to the same degree. But again, this is just speculation.

[Bekah]

I think there might be a genetic component, too. Women get two of those X chromosomes, so if one of them is "bad" in some way, the other one usually covers for you. A lot of medical conditions affect far more men than women because of this. Men only have the one, so they don't get the same insurance - a woman could be carrying autism genes but not be affected by them (unless she's unlucky enough to get both X chromosomes buggered in the same way). While I don't know that autism is linked to that chromosome, it might explain a lot.

 

There's another interesting theory on gender differences, too - some studies have linked autism to a testosterone sensitivity in the womb. Since males would warrant higher levels of testosterone, this might explain why female embryos are not affected to the same degree. But again, this is just speculation.

I think these are great possibilities.

[Bekah]

I applied for a job today

[Machete]

How goes the job status?

[Bekah]

How goes the job status?

no idea yet How's your job search going?

[Castiel]

Hi again. 

 

I'm about to ramble on for a little bit about some issues I'm having. I'm not sure why I am telling you, oh internet strangers, but it seems like a good idea right now. I'll hide the rambling in a spoiler so you don't have to read it if you don't want to.

 

So, I still haven't gone to go talk to a doctor. I probably should do that, but I've never been to a head doctor and the whole concept kind of freaks me out, not sure why. I would bring it up with my regular doctor, except I don't go to those either. 

 

Anyway, that's not the point. Point is, I had a bit of a meltdown last night at work, and it kind of freaked me out. A lot. I think it freaked some other people out too. Before, if anything has happened it's been very obvious the reasons: normally a loud, party or club type situation/overstimulation that I would rather not have been at in the first place. Or New Years Eve. Fuck New Years Eve.

 

But last night wasn't that. It was a relatively slow night at my restaurant. I was working the service bar (only have to interact with waiters, not customers). One of my close friends was upset at me about something I had said, but we would have gotten over it. But something kind of tipped, not sure what, and quite suddenly I couldn't handle it anymore. I didn't even notice, but I was sitting on a glass-rack behind the bar (which I do, nice place to rest), rocking back and forth banging my head on the bar every time I came forward for some period of time until my friend came over and was like, "Castiel, stop that." I did, but I was really having trouble responding to people. Everything was kind of soft focus/tvish. I kept pouring drinks, but I wouldn't talk to anyone who said anything to me. I couldn't. I was pacing back and forth with my arms wrapped around myself (think Charlton Heston as Michelangelo when he is frustrated), but I couldn't shake it. 

 

Eventually, when I wasn't busy, I managed to put on Wagner's Pilgrim Chorus from Tannhäuser and excuse myself to the next room where I cranked the volume up and refused to let anyone talk to me.

 

 

By the second big, a capella "Allelujah" I was able to think more or less straight and managed to go back to work, but it was fucking terrible.

 

Related, but not directly sequential in causality, today, after work, I went out to get some food with my friend (the same one who was upset at me, and also made me stop banging my head against the bar), I brought up the subject of "I should probably go to a psychologist/therapist" with her (it wasn't out of the blue, made sense in context. I had told her when our other coworker (married to an aspie) had said that she really thought that I had aspergers as well, and that I had researched it and it made a little sense. We had had some rough spots mostly because of me saying things that upset her and me not realizing she was upset and she had said that she wasn't sure we could still be friends after one of the times, but for the past few months we've been hanging out a lot and have been really close again, and I couldn't figure out why or what I had done differently that made her like being around me again. I realize now that she's probably been putting up with me because she's working under the assumption that I have a social disorder. Whether or not it's true (seems likely), I'm not sure how I feel about it, because it feels like I'm using an excuse, and if she didn't want to be friends with me before and I'm still pretty much the same (I try not to make the same mistakes twice, but I'm not great at it, and often have similar troubles over and over again), then there's no reason we should be friends now. She means the world to me, and being around her makes me so happy, but I would never want do do anything to hurt her, and I can't imagine spending time with me now is any less terrible than it was before.

 

I don't know where I was going with that, and I don't really expect any of you to be able to help or advise in any particular way, but I just needed to ramble for a little bit, and the door says "safe space."

[Bekah]

It's a tough thing to learn about yourself and while I have no idea what this friend is thinking or feeling, even just you thinking she feels that way sucks Maybe just ask her outright how she feels about your perceived self diagnosis?

either way, I hope today was better!

[Castiel]

It's a tough thing to learn about yourself and while I have no idea what this friend is thinking or feeling, even just you thinking she feels that way sucks Maybe just ask her outright how she feels about your perceived self diagnosis?

either way, I hope today was better!

 

 

Today was a little better. I hosted at the restaurant, and for some reason my life is always slightly better if I'm wearing a tie. I saw my friend only in passing, so I haven't gotten a chance to talk to her, and I am not really sure what I would say if I did. She did, however, send me information about health insurance and therapists this morning, and say to ask her if I needed any help. I think she's had some pretty serious issues in her past that we have never talked directly about. It is nice to have someone on my team.

 

Downside was I had to have a shift with the inconsiderate coworker we were talking about, and yesterday he said some stuff that really crossed a line. I don't normally get upset by things people say about me, because if they are true, than I don't mind them saying them, and if they aren't, then they are wrong so it doesn't matter, and even more so when they say it to my face. However, he said something when trying to defend a really stupid mistake he made that really hurt me and I still don't know how to react. I am never bothered by these things, and I still don't really know what to do. I am bad at holding grudges, but I'm still really upset about it.

 

Ugh.

[Brawlrus]

Your head banging, surreal surrounding "tvish" experience is exactly what happens to me when noise levels change too suddenly. I get noise panic attacks and can't breathe. People look at me like "It's just a kid crying in the store". I can only guess that they don't hear it as piercingly as I do. With light, I can't even make it across the street on my own, if the sun is bright.

 

That said, I'm not entirely certain I'll ever be convinced, even with expert opinions, that I am autistic.

I'll just be considered "strange"

 

All my life, I've felt that I was a normal part of conversations, but when speaking in a  small group of people, I'm never heard. I always think I'm speaking as loud as the others, but they continue on as if I didn't say anything.  It feels like one of those played out stories, where someone dies and they are trying to get someone's attention, because they don't know they are dead.

 

I took to listening, more than talking. I would hear people asking why I'm weird and what's wrong with me. Often they were just told that I was shy or that I was quiet.

I eventually got work through DVR at BK. They had me washing windows and scraping gum, because the particular BK had worked with DVR before and hired certain types, the job had been intended for one of their downs clients, who was unable to take it.  I had just started boxing and found it to relieve many of the stresses of every day life. I met a girl outside the club one day, who recognized me from BK. We started talking and she admitted that she thought it was weird that I was cleaning gum off the sidewalk, so she asked them at the counter, what was wrong with me. They answered "I don't know, I think he's just retarded."

 

Despite being intellectually superior to many of them at BK, I was "retarded".

 

I've barely worked a day since. School was tough, but since it was online, I made it. Now, I was 250 lbs., a boxer, wrestling background with some TKD. A degree in criminal justice and tattoos that would make the misinformed dub me "a badass or troublemaker." . I apply for bouncer gigs and never even get a callback after an interview. Something is amiss.

 

I wish, really wish, that I could see myself, even for a second, the way the world sees me, so that I might know what to change, know what they are seeing that leads them to think I'm a retard.

 

*shrugs* Rambling ftw...

[Castiel]

 

Despite being intellectually superior to many of them at BK, I was "retarded".

 

 

Last night, one of my co-workers made a really stupid mistake, and tried to blame it on the customer, who had already left. He was saying how much of an idiot she was, and how could anybody be so stupid. I called him on it, and because I was tired and stressed, I was probably harsher than I should have been, but he needed a bit of a reality check. He got super defensive and kept trying to justify his mistake. Then he told me if I didn't drop it he would punch me despite the fact that I'm much bigger and stronger than him. 

 

But then he said, "but you're half retarded anyway, so I might win after all."

 

It's been about 28 hours since this incident and I'm still really upset. I never hold grudges and I don't normally get hurt by things people say. I don't know how to react to this.

[Brawlrus]

Last night, one of my co-workers made a really stupid mistake, and tried to blame it on the customer, who had already left. He was saying how much of an idiot she was, and how could anybody be so stupid. I called him on it, and because I was tired and stressed, I was probably harsher than I should have been, but he needed a bit of a reality check. He got super defensive and kept trying to justify his mistake. Then he told me if I didn't drop it he would punch me despite the fact that I'm much bigger and stronger than him. 

 

But then he said, "but you're half retarded anyway, so I might win after all."

 

It's been about 28 hours since this incident and I'm still really upset. I never hold grudges and I don't normally get hurt by things people say. I don't know how to react to this.

 

 

That's messed up. I'm kind of an ass, myself, so my response would have been something like, " Then, half of me will kick your ass and the retard half will fuck your corpse."

 

Na, it sounds like an attempt to get inside your head and make you believe he had a shot. That's what you call a bully. They may not be able to do anything, physically, but they will torment you with words, to the point you believe they could.  Next time he says something like that, just give him the ol' "If you're feeling froggy, jump, mother fucker.".

[Artinum]

That said, I'm not entirely certain I'll ever be convinced, even with expert opinions, that I am autistic.

I'll just be considered "strange"

 

Perhaps because you have no comparison? Your experiences are normal for you. It's everyone else that seems utterly bonkers.

 

I'll never understand why people get so riled up about sporting events. It's not like you're even playing, so what does it matter to you?

[Bekah]

Gmork and Castiel....both of those scenarios are really fucked up. I think people probably feel that way about me too, but because I also have shitty vision that is seen as a "real" disabilty, they don't say anything and just pity me as the retarded girl who cant see.

I TOTALLY agree that I wish I knew how people really see me, so that I can adjust my behavior if possible to at least succeed in a job socially. My mom, being the person that she is, just says I need to conform, like that makes it all crystal clear. My sister however, actually understands me somewhat and tries to help, as does J, but without a video camera and a ear piece/microphone, it's not always enough, and even then, maybe it wouldnt work anyway.

Instant topic change...just heard this on tv...maybe it's brilliant?

"It's not just flirting, it's the ability to make people feel really good about themselves"

[Machete]

Last night, one of my co-workers made a really stupid mistake, and tried to blame it on the customer, who had already left. He was saying how much of an idiot she was, and how could anybody be so stupid. I called him on it, and because I was tired and stressed, I was probably harsher than I should have been, but he needed a bit of a reality check. He got super defensive and kept trying to justify his mistake. Then he told me if I didn't drop it he would punch me despite the fact that I'm much bigger and stronger than him. 

 

But then he said, "but you're half retarded anyway, so I might win after all."

 

It's been about 28 hours since this incident and I'm still really upset. I never hold grudges and I don't normally get hurt by things people say. I don't know how to react to this.

 

Maybe he's socially awkward himself? Because that's not something someone well-adjusted to society would be saying to your face. (Over the internet, maybe.) Maybe he's either a social retard or an entitled prick, but I can't be too sure. I regularly say stupid things myself.

 

Perhaps because you have no comparison? Your experiences are normal for you. It's everyone else that seems utterly bonkers.

 

I'll never understand why people get so riled up about sporting events. It's not like you're even playing, so what does it matter to you?

 

It's like people cheering for wars. I think the Olympic Games and the World Cup have been likened to international war.

 

Gmork and Castiel....both of those scenarios are really fucked up. I think people probably feel that way about me too, but because I also have shitty vision that is seen as a "real" disabilty, they don't say anything and just pity me as the retarded girl who cant see.

I TOTALLY agree that I wish I knew how people really see me, so that I can adjust my behavior if possible to at least succeed in a job socially. My mom, being the person that she is, just says I need to conform, like that makes it all crystal clear. My sister however, actually understands me somewhat and tries to help, as does J, but without a video camera and a ear piece/microphone, it's not always enough, and even then, maybe it wouldnt work anyway.

Instant topic change...just heard this on tv...maybe it's brilliant?

"It's not just flirting, it's the ability to make people feel really good about themselves"

 

The GWOT vet stereotype I think takes care of mine (though it probably has nothing to do with it). They already expect me to be a weirdo.

 

I think being able to evaluate yourself from the third person is a superpower in itself. That would be pretty close to what Mel Gibson had in What Women Want. Self-awareness seems to be a big thing, and watching yourself from the third person being awkward is pretty painful and "cringeworthy" when you're objective about it. Of course there are characters like Sherlock Holmes and Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory who are made to be awkward but are actually superhuman and don't really paint a good picture of what an awkward person looks like. I'd say, for myself, in social situations I look more like this (seemingly self-centered, unaware of pop culture and social convention, mostly ambivalent to other peoples' appraisal, usually incompetent, and trying a bit too hard):

 

[Bekah]

[Castiel]

 an entitled prick

 

 

 

That one, from outside evidence I haven't given you. But I don't want to talk about him anymore.

 

 

I realize that I'm just dumping my life on you all right now, so I'm going to hide the next wall of text behind a spoiler tag again.

 

On a happy note, I finally got to talk to one of my friends who I haven't seen in months. She was one of my closest friends through all of college, and I talk to her last night over the internet, and today in person. I told her what's been going on, and that I was nervous about trying to go see a therapist/psychologist or something. Because whether or not I belong in here, I definitely belong in there, because I'm a mess right now (the idea keeps running through my head that at this point my options are that I'm made wrong or I'm broken, and either way I need help).

 

She offered to help me make the appointment and even to go with me if I needed support. It never occurred to me to ask someone for help, because I always do things on my own. It's really nice knowing she's there to help. That's now two people who I've mentioned this to, and who have taken initiative to offer help in some way. I have a hard time telling sometimes if people like/care about me, but it's nice to know that some people care enough that they automatically want to help me out when I'm having trouble with something.

 

On a random note, my close friends are exclusively female. Odd.

 

[Kasatori]

I'm something of the opposite, Castiel, in that most, if not all, of my close friends are male. I tend to liken my literal thinking to being more like a man (I'm female) compared to most of the girls and women I've been around growing up. I also tended to get along better with male teachers and did well writing reports because I was very clear with my points.

 

I have some positive news to share from my job. My Store Manager (whom I've been working with for several months and is very aware of my condition and behaviors) spoke with a woman who mentioned her daughter has similar social issues to mine. Her daughter had been looking for a part time job, but was really nervous about interviews. My manager shared my initial experiences with her: how I'd gotten really stressed out about three months into the job and nearly quit, but persevered. The experience got better for me, and now I'm opening the store alone on Sundays and have a great reputation with my regular customers. It made me feel good knowing I was being used as a positive example for someone else struggling with employment due to social awkwardness.

 

My manager also confided in me that I'm one of her best employees and as such I'm allowed a few extra privileges not given to my coworkers. Not to sound haughty, but it means a great deal to me that my boss trusts me as much as she does. I thanked her for being given these privileges, and she said, "You've earned them." It's been a hard fought battle, but I found I job I truly enjoy, despite the stress, and I wish everyone still looking the best of luck.

[Machete]

Have we heard of this shit? I am never flying United again. Delta all the way.

 

[Bekah]

Have we heard of this shit? I am never flying United again. Delta all the way.

 

Grrrrrr!

[Bekah]

This made me think of us all

[Brawlrus]

The parents should have prepared ahead of time, by either calling and arranging something, or bringing their own snacks, if possible. You can't buy a coach ticket, then expect the rules to be bent for your kid. I believe there is every chance that the mother was already being obnoxious and in her words, "she'll get to a meltdown point, then you're gonna want to help her", sounds like a possible threat. Also keeping in mind that the chances the mother was as calm on the plane, as she was in the video, is very unlikely and she likely said it in a much more aggressive way.

 

Here's where you know she's not telling the entire truth, she said "she can't tell us", but it also says that they "saw it coming on the flight that day"

 

Whether anyone wants to accept it, or not, if this girl flipped out, someone could get hurt, even her, if she had to be restrained.  It's not about them needing sensitivity training or anything, I really believe it was the mother's words and reaction, that raised red flags.

The pilot's duty is to make sure everyone is safe, from the time they get on, to the time they land. If he's flying the plane(yeah, mom, you think maybe that's why he didn't come back to see she wasn't a threat?) he's not going to be able to do anything other than take the rest of the staff's words and make a decision.

[Bekah]

The parents should have prepared ahead of time, by either calling and arranging something, or bringing their own snacks, if possible. You can't buy a coach ticket, then expect the rules to be bent for your kid. I believe there is every chance that the mother was already being obnoxious and in her words, "she'll get to a meltdown point, then you're gonna want to help her", sounds like a possible threat. Also keeping in mind that the chances the mother was as calm on the plane, as she was in the video, is very unlikely and she likely said it in a much more aggressive way.

 

Here's where you know she's not telling the entire truth, she said "she can't tell us", but it also says that they "saw it coming on the flight that day"

 

Whether anyone wants to accept it, or not, if this girl flipped out, someone could get hurt, even her, if she had to be restrained.  It's not about them needing sensitivity training or anything, I really believe it was the mother's words and reaction, that raised red flags.

The pilot's duty is to make sure everyone is safe, from the time they get on, to the time they land. If he's flying the plane(yeah, mom, you think maybe that's why he didn't come back to see she wasn't a threat?) he's not going to be able to do anything other than take the rest of the staff's words and make a decision.

good points. I didnt analyze it that thoroughly. It makes sense that after a lifetime of her child's issues and having to deal with the public on both good and bad days, she (the mother) would be on the defensive from the beginning, but if she didnt prepare for the flight properly then thats no ones fault but hers.

[Machete]

Good thing this isn't another "Safe Space", where the only acceptable answer would be "IF YOU DON'T AGREE WITH ME, GET OUT". Hahaha

 

But yeah, I imagine the family should already have a system down. The daughter looks like she's in her mid-teens.

 

However, no more United Airlines for me, especially knowing that I can get booted out of a flight (which is a shitty one to begin with) if I happen to make pilots feel uncomfortable (which I tend to do a lot regardless).  Delta never treats me like this. Whenever I wear a suit and look annoyed and in a hurry they just assume I'm extremely busy rather than unsocial.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yd9ma2UVLHM