Gamers Don't Die...

[princessamypants]

I read Steve's email this morning, about respawning, so I'm motivated to at least get as far as posting here. 

 

Notice: The following post is super honest and would probably (no, definitely) go in the category of over-sharing, but since I'm anonymous here and I'm pretty sure we're all on this forum for similar reasons, I think I'll risk it. If you don't want to read someone talking about their crap, then stop reading here. 

 

Second notice: I don't like telling people this kind of thing about me, I don't want to be identified with "problems" and "issues", etc. I want to be identified by the good things. But it's because I want to be a strong person that I'm here, and I think being frank about my own mistakes is what I need to do to get stronger. 

 

I've spent most of my life harming my body and coping with the harmed body I was born with. I have various mental illnesses and learning disorders. Surgery at five years old, not being able to run as a child after that, and going through some other injuries and illnesses as a kid without the proper medical treatment all contributed to this general feeling of physical ickyness. I haven't been physically comfortable without some kind of help from a substance ever since. I started dieting when I was six years old (I know that sounds dramatic but I've kept a journal since I learned how to write so I'm pretty sure I got that number right.) Self harm, eating disorders, depression, some brushes with suicidal ideation- you name it, I tried it. 

 

Things turned around when I went into residential treatment when I was 19. I went from being 175 pounds to 135 pounds, I ate good food, and I worked out four times a week. I could lift heavy things, it was great.

 

The problem with chronic mental illness is that it's chronic, and it takes a buttload of time to figure out the right medication. Five years later, I'm on the right medication. But that's five years of episodes, extreme lifestyle changes (from good to bad to good to bad, etc.), and drastic weight fluctuations. I might be staying on track with mental health therapy, but after five years of being outside of residential treatment, my self-confidence is pretty low. The hardest part I think has been injuring my neck. In a mixture of post-victory euphoria and absolute mania, a few years ago I signed up for Brazilian jiu-jitsu classes. Funnest workout EVER but it's important to do the moves correctly, otherwise you'll sprain your neck, which I did.

 

I've seen several specialists and done so many tests, but when you get down to it I don't know why my body hurts all the time since that sprain. My upper back burns, my shoulders, my neck, my head. I've settled on taking medication for fibromyalgia- it doesn't take all the pain away but at least I've gotten my life back for the most part. Before this, I lost my job and dropped out of school. But now I'm about to graduate with my Associates degree, so, hey, that's something.

 

Alright, end back story, here's the part about dropping out of last challenge and respawning...

 

I'm back up to 175 pounds, I'm pretty fatigued most of the time, and I'm struggling with where to go from here. I've tried a few different exercise routines, I've seen plenty of doctors and asked how to get around post-exertion malaise and exertion migraines ("take advil" is the best advice I got, boo), and I've tried plans that have worked for other people with fibromyalgia. Post-exertion malaise looks like getting a solid 20-40 minute workout in one day and being in bed for the next two days. Anyway, I'm not getting very far. 

 

I know that I have the right information to help me out. Certainly *something* I must have read is true about how to gain strength and energy. I don't think lack of information is the problem. I've busted through a lot of crap in the past, so I know I can bust through this. 

 

But I'm pretty effing tired and I don't want to even think about what my next step is, much less actually follow through. 

 

That's not any excuse at all and I'm going to keep going because not moving forward is boring and more painful than actually moving forward.

 

I can't tell you how many times in the last three years I've started working on the habit of something as simple as walking 30 minutes a day, following through for a month or so, and then falling out of the habit again. So when I say I'm embarrassed to have to go back and try this simple step all over again, know that I am REALLY EMBARRASSED. I feel like it's super lame, to go from knocking 230. lb guys to the ground to struggling to walk up and down the street. I'm going to start there, though (walking up and down the street, not knocking 230 lb. guys to the ground) and if anyone has any better suggestions, I am all ears. 

 

Thank you for listening, I'll post my challenge later today, for now I'm going to take a nap before class.

[Asuka]

Hi Princessamypants!

 

I can only applaud you for finding the strength to post here and for being so honest with yourself. I think you are well on your way to health and happiness with these two simple steps. 

 

It seems that you went through a very difficult few years, but that you are now in a better place mentally and emotionally. Don't forget to listen to your body when you are in pain and not push too much in that case. Advil / painkillers may not always be the best answer: I found out for migraines that sometimes I just need complete silence and to focus on my breath (do you know the 4-7-8 exercise? you inhale for 4 seconds, hold it for 7 and then exhale for 8), although I understand breathing is not magical, it may help sometimes. 

 

As for new habits, remember that every time you start again you are doing something great! Don't focus on the stopping part - that's what respawning is for! If you realize you dropped the habit, just pick it up again, slowly. Maybe you did too much at once? For instance, I know most exercise gurus tell you to increase reps when you feel comfortable (and then weight, etc.). Well if I have have to do too many reps at too high a weight, then I just don't start. So instead I created my own method: I have the reps I have to do (10 or 20 depending on the exercise) and if I feel good that day I do more. But if the next I don't feel too good (I have bad days too...) then I just push to the 10 or 20 and then I stop! It's a BIG WIN for that day - maybe even bigger than a day I was happy and breezed through 40 reps. 

 

Maybe you could try setting up an objective to start exercising, for instance a 5- or 10-minute walk. If that goes well, you go on, if not you go home. You went out and walked so you will feel good, but you won't feel guilty, because the goal is attainable. 

 

The problem with unattainable goals is that they create guilt and you resent yourself for not being capable of doing what you did before. But you have to focus on yourself in the present. And you in the present are not yet comparable to who you were before. It will come back, but it will take time. 

 

Good luck with your challenge! 

Be good with yourself - try talking to yourself and thinking about yourself as if you were your best friend. she's much more understanding of bad days

 

Cheers!

[Teirin]

Hey there *hugs*  Glad you came back.

 

 

I can't tell you how many times in the last three years I've started working on the habit of something as simple as walking 30 minutes a day, following through for a month or so, and then falling out of the habit again. So when I say I'm embarrassed to have to go back and try this simple step all over again, know that I am REALLY EMBARRASSED. I feel like it's super lame, to go from knocking 230. lb guys to the ground to struggling to walk up and down the street. I'm going to start there, though (walking up and down the street, not knocking 230 lb. guys to the ground) and if anyone has any better suggestions, I am all ears.

 

The important part is here.  You keep coming back and working on it.  You went back to school.  You'll get back into exercise.  You went to BJJ, and you'll get back to it some time.

 

I have to tell you, I saw you on your first challenge when your goal was to be able to go to the game with your family.  I swear that I have never been so proud of or inspired by someone who was overcoming that much.  You really can do this.  We'll be here to cheer you on.

 

Start with really small goals?  If 20-40 min knocks you down for a few days, try 5 to 10 min/day?  That walk you mentioned, or maybe some very inclined pushups on days inside?  Go very small and consistent.  Getting knocked down for two days isn't worth it.