I'm Jack's lost purpose of life

[MAGICFATSO]

Good morning everybody, it's 10:35 a.m here in Argentina and the weather is moist and cloudy.

This is not a cry for help, I just want to share something that has been on my chest for years, and I finally figured it out yesterday while writing in my diary (yes, I keep a personal diary). Maybe some can relate to, or not, anyway I really appreciate the support.

 

This is the story of how I lost the purpose in my life.

 

Back to 2008 (7 years ago). One year after finishing high school, I started my superior studies at a public university just out of obligation, my parents wanted a better future for me, so I tried to stick to that. While I did that, I spent my free time watching the TV show Scrubs (LOVED that show) and playing Ragnarok Online (RO). I could farm for 00.01% items for DAAAYS at a time, just won't give up. I could farm other Misc. items to sell and see how my zeny (RO currency) grew. But I never felt fulfilled. My farming method was never the best, nor was I the best or a recognized player in any of the servers I ever played.

I remember playing Legacy RO with an AWESOME Phillipino band, we used to Team Speak and play simultaneously, most fun I ever had playing MMORPGs. I was a lvl 97 Sniper, who knew his ways placing traps and Crowd Controling the enemy. But I always had the feeling like I never was up for the challenge (any challenge whatsoever). Like there was always a better way to do the thing that I was doing.

 

I quit for a while and the server got wiped (all accounts reset to zero), so I started in a new server. Farmed and lvled my way up. Always trying to figure out the fastest, most effective way to do stuff: First lvl the Sniper so I can farm and equip a White Smith, so that I can finally farm with full-powered Cart Terminations, wich costed 10k zeny per hit, but dealt TONS of damage. I remember getting almost the full gear which costed BILLIONS, that's a lot of time playing that stupid game. I remember going down to the abyss with my ALMOST perfect WhiteSmith just to realize that my damage wasn't enough, I needed 3 hits which cost 10k each=30k to farm rings that sold for 20-25k. NOT PROFITABLE.

 

Biggest dissapointment ever. My academic life felt apart ever since I began stuying after high school. I'm just not interested in anything, I don't know.

 

The whole RO story made me realize that I am never satisfied with anything, I'm always aiming for "the perfect way" and then quitting after seeing that there is no perfect way (and there is always an asian guy/girl) who will destroy you PvP. I stopped enduring stuff. I start something, I don't "like" it, I quit. No endurance whatsoever.

 

My job is whats keeping my life together. I landed this part time job 4 years ago and I haven't grown (got promoted), but it's something I do which makes me feel SOME sort of gratification (while feeling gloomy tho, like if my work didn't count). Like if there were things that "counted" in life and others don't.

 

I feel like I will never achieve anything, but worst of all, I lost the clarity of knowing what to do. I woke up and played RO, that was it. I know where to go, I knew how to hunt, how to gear up for Sunday's War of Emperium. Whenever I exit my job nowadays, I have NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. I tried many many things (each time with less endurance, quitting very soon after starting). Right now feels like I'll never endure anything. I'm not ok accepting that, but I still don't know what to do.

 

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Sorry for the long post, love u guys.

kthxbye

[redpuma]

Well, I agree - this doesn't exactly seem like a "cry for help" post, but obviously you've come to a conclusion which seems to unsettle you. What stuck out to me from your post was the bit at the end where you say that you "feel" like you'll never endure anything and that you're "not ok accepting that." Everybody, at some point, feels incapable in some way. That doesn't mean that that person is incapable. Know that you can endure. It's obvious that you can, because you aren't comfortable accepting that defeatist feeling that you are experiencing.

I would suggest, as a starting point, rather than looking for purpose in life (that's a tall order!) to keep trying to find some activities that you enjoy aside from RO. I mean, it's perfectly normal to quit something you don't enjoy. I tried reading Twilight and quit on page 2. I'm not ashamed of that! Keep trying out new things, and I'm sure that you'll come up with experiences you do enjoy. Best wishes to you on your journey!

[MAGICFATSO]

Thanks for your kind words redpuma! n_n

 

I still play videgames nowadays, but no more MMORPGs for me. Just the occasional Smash fest with my younger brother (who beats the crap out of me) but with each lose I'm a step closer to wrecking his Marth with his stupid sword and that faggy cape. At first I didn't even wanted to play against him, because I never owned any nintendo console, and I automatically lost just for being clumsy. But one day I challenged him endlessly and came so close to winning in a Best of 5 (I didn't tho). BUT I WILL lol

[Evicious]

Try listing out all the things you've tried and not enjoyed. Literally anything not on that list is now a potentially enjoyable activity!

 

Some suggestions to get you started:

• Reading
• Writing
• Drawing
• Painting
• Origami
• Flower arrangement
• Photography
• Puzzles
• Card games
• Board games
• Pen 'n' Paper RPGs
• Scrapbooking
• Sculpting
• Knitting
• Crocheting
• Quilting
• Sewing
• Beading
• Learning bushcraft
• Woodworking
• Welding
• Playing a musical instrument
• Juggling
• Magic tricks
• Fishing
• Birdwatching
• Dog walking
• Cat sitting
• Horseback riding
• Bicycling
• Skating
• Skateboarding
• Skiing
• Swimming
• Sailing
• Geocaching
• Orienteering
• Hashing
• Bashing (yes, it's a thing)
• LARPing
• Cosplay
• People watching
• Cloud watching
• Cooking
• Baking
• Candlemaking
• Gardening
• etc....

The best advice I can give you is that every time you try something new, make a goal of ultimately ending up with something tangible from it. If you try crocheting and don't like it, that's perfectly acceptable - but keep that ravelly, ragged, knotted little bit of crochet anyway. So what if it didn't end up as the glorious doiley you intended to make? You made something, and that's important. If the thing you're trying doesn't result in a physical object (magic tricks, or people watching, for example) be sure to journal the experience in as much detail as you can anyway. Record the why's of your activities: why you tried it, and why you did or did not like it. Knowing why specific things specifically did not entertain or engage you will help you see the "missing spaces" - that is, the reasons you would enjoy something. So if you didn't enjoy your attempt at gardening because it took you forever to dig up the ground, pick out the rocks and weeds, mix in the fertilizer, and plant the stupid flowers - only to have the neighbor's dog show up 15 minutes later and destroy everything - maybe you'll get the idea to just get a preplanted window box you can have indoors. After all, you clearly wanted to have a garden; you wouldn't have put in all that effort the first time if you didn't. But just because Fido left you in tears doesn't mean you should just give up and decide you hate gardening altogether.

 

I hope this gives you a few ideas, and maybe a little motivation to seek out something in life that gives you a sense of purpose. The old adage, "If you aim for nothing, you're sure to hit it," is absolutely true, and I know how depressing it can be when just finding a "something" to aim for is the only "something" you can think of aiming for! I

[Teros]

I was always depressed and upset and felt 'lost', along with having waning motivation to do much of anything in life.  It creates a hopeless spiral downward.  As was said above by the lovely Evicious; get inspired to try something.  For me, it was creating something. It's random chance to just pick things and test them out. You don't know you won't like it until you give it a fair chance.  Once you find something that soaks up time, it can be something you are proud of.  For a long time, my pride was my homemade gym. I liked being able to create something with my hands that was outside the box.  I made kettlebells and sandbags.  Then it was creative writing with an accountability group called the RPG Fanatics (in the accountability groups section of this forum).  Also I was making progress with weight loss by working out with a sledgehammer.  I never would have thought of that but it made me feel like a superhero being able to swing a heavy weapon around. I sucked horribly at it, but it was also kind of fun.  A few weeks back, I made a replica wrestling belt. Why? Why the hell not? It took a couple days and now I have something I am happy that I took the time to work on.

 

You need that spark - whatever it is, wherever it is.  It needs to be something that can hold your attention long enough to make some progress. And once you make progress, you'll be able to keep the train chugging along by constantly reflecting back on the progress you made.  Considering I felt hopeless for a solid 25 years before this clicked with me, I feel like I'm proof that you can find a spark too.  All you can do is keep experimenting.  Realize that it's not hopeless.

 

*I'm coming back to edit and add this*

 

What I've made/done:

-Made a stuffed animal for someone

-Made a miniature costume for someone

-Made a couple origami

-Made a champtionship belt

-Made some costume sunglasses

-Made 2 sandbags

-Made 3 kettlebells

-Made 2 dumbbells

-Written a story that spans almost two years

-Made a Wall of Positivity

-I grew green beans

-I grew spaghetti squash

-I beat a Spartan race

 

And there's at least another 10 things I want to try/make.  Two years ago, before I found NF; I did none of this.  PM me if you wanna know more.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Other have offered good suggestions on what to try, I'm going to come at this from a different direction. I saw something of myself in you, where if something is hard you don't want to put the effort in to get good. I'm the same way, and for the same reason, if I'm not "perfect" right from the beginning, I lose interest. I used to think I was lazy till a counselor pointed out that I'm not lazy, I'm a perfectionist.  Fear of failure kept me from so much in life. I would rather not try something than fail at it. I am in the process of realizing that failure is not complete lack of any flaws, but rather not trying something. It's okay to struggle at learning something, the fact that it's hard doesn't mean I'm a failure, it means it's something worth working to learn. In addition to trying new things, may I suggest you find some help dealing with perfectionism? Find a good counselor who can walk you through some of those issues, if your's are anything like mine.

 

Again, I want to emphasize what others have said about plugging away at new activities till you find something you like.

[EmbracingChaos]

I also struggle with perfectionism. A helpful quote I keep in mind is, "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good."- Voltaire I have to constantly remind myself of that.

[MelNaux]

Holy RO.... ¬¬ that shitty addictive F*** game! 
I stopped playing it because it was taking my life! While you play it everything has sense but when you go to sleep at 4-5 am you realized your day is gone and you done nothing! But no worries tomorrow is a knew day... yup.. to do exactly the same! o-Ó

 

Good luck bro/sis!  

[Teros]

Other have offered good suggestions on what to try, I'm going to come at this from a different direction. I saw something of myself in you, where if something is hard you don't want to put the effort in to get good. I'm the same way, and for the same reason, if I'm not "perfect" right from the beginning, I lose interest. I used to think I was lazy till a counselor pointed out that I'm not lazy, I'm a perfectionist.  Fear of failure kept me from so much in life. I would rather not try something than fail at it. I am in the process of realizing that failure is not complete lack of any flaws, but rather not trying something. It's okay to struggle at learning something, the fact that it's hard doesn't mean I'm a failure, it means it's something worth working to learn. In addition to trying new things, may I suggest you find some help dealing with perfectionism? Find a good counselor who can walk you through some of those issues, if your's are anything like mine.

 

Again, I want to emphasize what others have said about plugging away at new activities till you find something you like.

I'm the exact same way. If I don't do it right the first time, I lose confidence and then feel it's pointless.  I pushed through it- like with the sledgehammer workout. I sucked at it and wanted to quit after 5 minutes but I kept going regardless of lack of confidence and my perfectionism.

[MAGICFATSO]

Tanktimus the Encourager you are absolutely right! I am a perfectionist and I constantly forget. Even playing silly puzzle games, I KNOW THAT after lvl 15 things will get hard, so I don't even play them. That's the kind of mentality I'm used to. But I'm trying to change that.

 

I love playing sax, but I know that I am far from playing like I wish I did.

Whenever the excersises get difficult, I just stop playing, like "I don't need to play that well"

But I do! Bottom down I know that I want to be a saxophone GAWD, but I'm just afraid of failing.

 

On the other hand, would I feel better if I already played like my John Coltrane? Hell-no!

First of all, because he is he, and I am me. I don't want to be a JC, I want to be an MG.

 

And that's when I realise that I need to start enjoying the simple process of LEARNING.

No one is perfect nor will ever be. I'm sure that Coltrane had a lot of things to work on, even though he was a living legend.

 

You people are the bomb! Thanks n_n

[basscrack]

First of all, good on you to know yourself well enough to be able to see what is causing a lot of these feelings. It sounds like you are not at all lacking of determination or endurance, simply that you set an endpoint that is out of your reach, whether to your current skill level or totally impossible. You devoted a lot of your time to something that interested you, and got really good at it. I've never played RO, but sounds like you were pretty beast to me. You've spent a significant amount of time at the same job, that's an accomplishment. Some people don't have the dedication to stay in one place, that shows committment. The amount of meaning derived from your accomplishments is only defined by you. If these things aren't meaningful for you any more, then maybe it is time to shake things up. But if your job gives you some type of gratification and is something you enjoy, devote yourself. Get better. Rise in your field. Change companies if you need upward mobility. These of course are all incredibly general suggestions, I think you get my point. Or if you are (truly) happy where you are and don't want to "grow", recognize where those feelings of inaequacy are coming from. Is it your peers? Your family? Don't let other people define what makes you "enough". That is something only you can decide for yourself.

 

To echo a lot of what has been said, I am also a perfectionist. I NEED to always be the BEST at anything I devote my time/energy/emotion to. I'm never satisfied with not doing well, I hate looking (or more importantly feeling) stupid or incapable or inadequate. Some huge things to remember (some of which have been stated, some maybe have not):

 

1) Focus on what you have achieved, not what is left to be achieved. Mini goals, progress points, focus on accomplishments. Feeling accomplished is an AMAZING feeling, don't let those evil little voices tell you your inadequacies, SCREAM at them, "But LOOK WHAT I DID".

 

2) Remember FEAR is what is stopping you. No one wants to be a coward, use that to your advantage. Fear of failure, of not measuring up, it always comes back to fear. Never ever let fear rule your life. I try to recognize when something is scaring me and force myself to face it head on. Some fears are easy to identify and overcome - tight spaces, spiders, your mother. Those are easy to say "This is silly, I could squash that spider with my pinky," and stop squealing like a little girl and deal with the problem. (Hopefully, your method of dealing is to pick it up and take it outside - not actually squash it.) It's quiet voice inside reminding you that you just might not be good enough that is driving your fears that are harder to call out into the open so you can lay the smack down. More than I want to be the best, I do not want to have failed because I was too afraid to try.

 

3) You can be GREAT at ANYTHING. Practice and bull-headed determination are all that it takes. There are people missing limbs and in wheelchairs running adventure races. I saw a video of a one-armed girl power lifting. Whether your goal is to have the best darn hot dog stand in your city or to win the Nobel Prize, it is doable if you set your mind to it.

 

4) That being said, start small. Set attainable goals. Ones that you can look back on in a week or a month and say, "LOOK WHAT I DID" (see #1). They accumulate and you get better.

 

5) Tied to that, "Grant me the courage to change the things I can, accept the things I can't, and wisdom to know the difference." You don't like something, DO something about it. I, while I am not religious, internalize this saying and seriously apply it to myself as a person. I use this more to analyze and improve myself daily than I do any other philosophy. I am flawed, I accept that. Some of my flaws I do not accept about myself and seek to change through my habits and actions, like the fact I struggle with anxiety that can be overwhelming and crippling. Some of my flaws I identify and accept as part of myself, my experiences, and my personality. These are the ones that don't harm others, and that most of the people in my life have come to accept about me and even love about me. These are the ones I own. Like the fact that I am incurably nosy. Or the fact that I am kind of a know-it-all (although I do try my hardest to back up my words with knowledge earned through experience and research).

 

6) Become a "yes man". If opportunity presents itself, TRY IT. (I of course don't mean to adopt the damaging personality trait of never being able to tell people no.) If my friends want to try a new place - a zip-lining obstacle course, a trampoline park, a new restaurant; if people want to go out (and I have no legitimate reason to decline - like not being able to afford it or needing to be a responsible adult in the morning) -- I say yes. Even if I'm feeling lazy, even if the idea of socializing with people is daunting and sounds exhausting, even if its a new and scary experience and I think I will make a fool of myself, I do it. This approach has converted me from a reclusive introvert to a much more active and social person.

 

I had a lot more to interject, but I have already made this post really long.

To sum it up:

1) Focus on accomplishments

2) Don't let fear rule you

3) Practice and determination make you GREAT

4) Set attainable goals

5) Change what you can, accept what you can't

6) TRY EVERYTHING.

 

By the way - awesome Fight Club reference.

[MAGICFATSO]

Such a powerful post... I'm speechlessðŸ‘ðŸ‘ðŸ‘

sent from my Moto G while chilling the chillz