is a sympathy card appropriate?

[Morrigainz]

My husband's grandma just died and we are going to the funeral. Is a sympathy card appropriate or is that something usually reserved for people who can't attend?

[CRM114]

When it is a friend who has a family member die, I usually cook a dinner (one you can store and reheat) for the family members planning the funeral (one less thing to worry about). I also send a card/flowers. When this happens in my family, I just buy flowers for the service and I do what I can to help with anything needed with either the service/reception/contacting friends whatever. (anything helps rly).

[Morrigainz]

I don't know if I will be able to do anything, though I have offered.

I could make a casserole or something. I know that was really nice when my grandma died.

It's hard because technically she is a family member....but I only met her twice. And my husband's uncles only once.

[CRM114]

Well if your help wasn't needed at least you offered. A casserole would be sweet because then there is a probability of left overs. Listening helps too, I'm sure the rest of the family is going to be telling stories and such... it could be a great time to get to know the extended family better

[Morrigainz]

True! Thanks for the advice...I feel a little lost 'cause of course my husband won't talk about it

[Oogiem]

Is a sympathy card appropriate or is that something usually reserved for people who can't attend?

Absolutely appropriate if you want to bring or send one. I also echo the can you offer to do something, walk the dog, go grocery shopping, cleaning or any other service. I've done irrigation, fed animals, arranged for a snowplow to come plow the driveway so when the family arrived back they could get home and other services that are needed. Even little things can really be helpful, just making sure there is plenty of toilet paper in the house after all the guests come by can be a lifesaver, really!

Food is appropriate as well but by the time the neighbors were done bringing food over to me when my mother died I was so sick of fried chicken I haven't eaten any for 13 years! I've taken chops, a big pot of chili, homemade bread or a couple dozen eggs to the family when friends have died.

Also if you can't do anything now, the time that is the hardest for the family left behind is about 2 months after the funeral. IME that's when all the feelings and stress come crashing down. Taking them out for a dinner, a walk, just being there, offering to go with them as they do grocery shopping or to be the chauffeur as they trundle from county clerks office attempting to get yet another death certificate, to the insurance agent, to the court for the will and probate hearings etc are all really helpful.

Offering to come sit and bring tea or coffee or chocolate or whisky (as appropriate) when they start sorting all the deceased's stuff is also really good. Sometimes just having someone else there makes getting through the sorting tolerable.

Good luck and my condolences.

[oystergirl]

Sending your family sympathy at your loss. These days, you can do what you want really as many different faith traditions have overlapped. I always send a sympathy card and offer a meal or help if someone was close, or simply a card if they are a familiar aquaintance, but also a prayer for peace. Do what feels right in your heart.

[CRM114]

Also if you can't do anything now, the time that is the hardest for the family left behind is about 2 months after the funeral. IME that's when all the feelings and stress come crashing down. Taking them out for a dinner, a walk, just being there, offering to go with them as they do grocery shopping or to be the chauffeur as they trundle from county clerks office attempting to get yet another death certificate, to the insurance agent, to the court for the will and probate hearings etc are all really helpful.

Offering to come sit and bring tea or coffee or chocolate or whisky (as appropriate) when they start sorting all the deceased's stuff is also really good. Sometimes just having someone else there makes getting through the sorting tolerable.

This x100

[tcloudermilk]

My sympathies to your husband and his family. It's always hard to know what to do when an extended family member passes away. If you feel like you have something to say to the family, like a sweet anecdote from when you met his grandmother, or a story he likes to tell, then send a note. If you even have a chance to say anything on the day of the funeral, your words may get lost in the busy-ness of the day, or their own grief. I always think that a written note is a nice way to tell someone you're thinking of them, and it gives them a chance to process what your words in their own time.

Bringing food is always a trusted standby, but depending on the tradition in the area, the family may be innundated with food. I grew up in the South, and there's always enough food to feed 2 armies at funerals. I do love the idea of doing something after the bustle of this time has died down. That gesture may mean much more to them because it's when the visits and calls stop that you often start really experiencing a loss.

Absolutely, you can offer to do something concrete or tangible. Don't say "what can I do" as the grieving family may not be able to pick something in their state of mind. Instead, either find something that would be helpful and just do it, or say, "I want to help. Could I XYZ for you?" It could be watering the plants, walking the dog, house-sitting while they're away making arrangements, being the person who greets/corrals guests before or after the funeral, whatever looks like it's overwhelming them at the moment.

Hope that helps!

[tatpunk]

Sympathies to you and your husband. I'm usually the weird one that has a card for every occassion, so if they don't need your help now, give them the card and tell them if down the road they need you or want to talk you will be available. Being there and showing support does a lot too.