What to do when a major event happens in your life?

[doc_brietz]

Well, yesterday was supposed to have been a run day, and though my kid is sick back home in the states, I have been ok. However, today (on the 21st) my battle buddy took his own life while in theatre. I could not muster up the strength to do any workout. I feel so many things. So, tomorrow I am going to try and go back to normal and go to the gym. I have to figure out how to get back to the diet and routine I was doing in the midst of all this. I feel bad because he leaves behind a wife and 3 kids, one of which is a newborn that will never know his dad.

So, to all of you to whom this has happened, what did you do to get back on track?

[scotticus]

Holy cripes. I don't have an identical experience, but I would definitely go easy on myself if I were you. This is super-heavy stuff and you'll definitely need some time to process everything. Just do what you need to do - there's plenty of time to worry about fitness later. That said, if you think that a good workout session will help you to clear your head, go for it. Sorry to hear about your loss.

[Elastigirl]

Sorryfor your loss. Sometimes life can be hard. Right now I am dealing with my mom's passing. Staying on track fitness wise, I didn't worry too much about it. I enjoy exercising, so if I felt like exercising I did. Some days last week I worked out, but I didn't have much oomph or energy to do a whole workout, so I did a light workout. SOme things just knock the wind out of you, and I think it is fine to slow down for a bit. remember the long time perspective on it. I have tried to change my thinking on food. I used to use food as comfort. I've really tried not to rely on sugar to make me feel better. Realizing that sugar doesn't make me feel better. Being with friends, long walks, praying, are things that heal me, not food.

['Roos]

That sounds like a real hard thing, dude - I'm sorry for your loss. The thing is to know yourself - know what makes you happy, what relaxes you, what keeps you on an even keel and what helps you get through emotional times. If my diet goes off the rails, the rest of my emotional stability goes off the rails, so even in the most dire circumstances, I try to keep that in order. Sometimes when I'm really mad, going to get a workout is just what I need. Sometimes when I'm really depressed, I'm actually just really mad, and again, hitting the weights (or just hitting something) really helps.

Go do something good for yourself, whether a night in, a night out, a night with a blanket over your head, a night with the wife alone, a night in the tub, etc. Now is the time to ask yourself, whatever your doing, "is this going to make me stronger or help me move through the emotions I'm going to be facing" and do your best to act in your own best interest.

[shutterpillar]

I ditto scotticus. worry about what will settle your mind right now. If you need a small break to sort through your thoughts, take one. If you need to exercise to help you cope, by all means do it.

I am so sorry for your loss. What a devastating thing to happen.

[Rosie]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You've got to do what you need to help the healing process. A gentle quiet run can help you clear your thoughts but don't beat yourself if you dont feel up to it. It's good to keep some normality in these situations but don't overdo it. No one is going to give you a hard time if you skip a few runs or take a few hours for yourself.

[CapN_Tommy_Sunshine]

Wow, that sucks man, I am sorry for your loss. I haven't experienced anything like this recently, but I have had a couple of issues (nothing that would compare to this). If you have to take time off to collect yourself, do it. If working out helps you get through this, do it. Try to eat and sleep according to your plan, but I know that it will probably be hard for you.

Stay strong, you have a bunch of crazy rebels here on your side.

[Morrigainz]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I would echo what others on here said...take care of your mental health first. If working out will help you, by all means do it. If not, then don't.

[CalvinHobbes]

Very, very sorry for your loss. This must be very hard for you. I agree with above posts, take care of your mental health first.

[seraphsong]

All you can do is put one foot in front of the other.

You will get through this. Do what you need to do for your own health and sanity right now. If that doesn't include working out, that's ok. There will be a time for that later. My condolences for your loss.

[doc_brietz]

Thanks for all the advice. I have driven on with everything. Good news though. Steve returned my initial emails and sent me copies of the strength and running guides free of charge. I, however, had already bought both of them. So, that just shows that he believes in his product. I sent him a thanks and told him not to forget about all of us in the Army wanting a workout idea for our PT Test.

With that said, later on that day that I wrote the original post, they sent his (NCO battle buddy) body back home. He leaves behind a wife, 3 kids, and a mom and dad and the rest of his siblings. Now we have to write up eulogies, have a ceremony, and inventory all his personal belongings, to either be sent home or turned in. They finally opened up the latrine that he was in when he shot himself (with his M4). I can't bring myself to use the bathroom or associated shower. I still find myself wondering why he isn't at work. However, there are so many things going on over here, with the riots about the quran, the IED's and driveby shootings, and everything, that I will have to go back to work and let it sink in later. Tomorrow, me the medic has to go train on a high caliber machine gun after work so that if we get attacked again, and I am doing tower guard, I will know how to shoot back. Then, of course, I can go patch them up! heh.

Time just doesn't stop for a soldier.

[Anivair]

A while back my wife and I had a miscarriage (actually she had it, I just got ice chips and made jokes to keep her distracted, but still). It was rough for both of us, but obviously rougher on her. She was out of commission for a while.

Me? I took about a week of training just to take care of her and get past it myself. When something that big happens, there's two sorts of people. Either you train harder because it takes your mind off or you stop and rest and let go. It doesn't matter which sort you are. They are both fine reactions and that week won't kill anyone.

[Ryan Sannar]

I'm sorry for you loss man. God bless you and his family. Don't worry about it, just keep up to date with us and go back to working out when it feels right. But don't stop doing stuff.

Good luck, we're here for you.

[Guest guest4729]

So sorry to hear about your loss. First off, everyone deals with pain and grief in different ways. I lost my father at 17 and it was the most difficult moment I've ever had in my life. Do you want to know how much school and work I took off after it happened? I took off less than a week. Why? Because I felt like sitting at home doing nothing but crying was not going to make my father proud, nor was it going to help me get through the trauma. By going back to school and work I felt productive, I felt normal and I felt like I had a purpose. By sitting around I just got depressed and wanted to sleep all day.

To get back on track with life I essentially acted like everything was normal. I still expected to see my dad come back almost every day for a long time, and I still do to this day - two years later. The main thing I took out of it is that life is too short to be sad for so long. The negativity, the depression, the sadness, what does it do besides hurt me? *I* still have a life to live, I just need to cherish it and do what's best for me. Death is permanent, life is not. That's the way it is. By accepting that you're human and that you're mortal you might be able to deal with it a bit better. You learn to make the best of everything because life is precious. You only live once, ya know?

[Sydnie]

What a small world...

In April it'll be a year since my boyfriend killed himself. I would not recommend the route I went, which is a long story completely unrelated, but I would work on your mental health before anything. However, I would advise getting into the gym ASAP. I know it's hard to try and even fathom needing that but it may just be the time to yourself and head clearing that you need. Or if you run, do that. Whatever it is that YOU find the most enjoyment in DO IT! Also, don't drink yourself into practically a coma... Take that from my experience. It didn't do anything good, made me sick, and killed my immune system leaving me on the couch and/or in bed with even MORE time to think. Get out, smell the roses, and enjoy life. You WILL be okay. It may take a while (hell, I'm still not completely okay and it's almost been a year, but it gets easier) but you will be okay. So will his family.

And if you need to DO NOT BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP!!!!! I'm serious! I had to back my friends into a wall that witnessed my old boyfriend do what he did and threaten them that I'd knock them out and drive them to a therapist if that's what they needed. Luckily I didn't need to, but PTSD is serious. Being military I know that you're a tough guy, trained to think that asking for help makes you weak. It doesn't. Asking for help when you need it is one of the strongest things you can do. If you need someone to talk to who has had someone close to them do something like this, I'm a PM away. I'll give you my e-mail, Facebook, whatever. Talk to as many people as you need to or can. It helps. A lot. It's better than screaming and hitting things.

[adampm]

Sorry for your loss. Since you're the guy that gets to patch people up I'll take a wild guess that you are also the guy people come to with problems which makes it harder to go to them when you need help yourself. Not sure if you have a chaplain available and if you do if he's somebody your comfortable talking with but that might help. (I knew a couple good ones and a couple that I avoided like they had the plague when I was in).

Thank you very much for your service and for doing what you do.

[LRB]

I'm sorry for your loss.

As for what to do -- do what you need to do to take care of yourself, but remember that sometimes you won't even feel like taking care of yourself.

Hang in there,

[macnip78]

Sorry to hear about your loss. I've never dealt with your situation exactly but I have dealt with loss. My wife and I lost our second son at about 1.5 months old. It was devestating, it still is. First thing to know is that you will never be the same and that's okay. I look for opportunities to hep other people who are going through or went through what I did. Helping others is my best medicine. Keep your buddy in your heart and always remember him. Be grateful for the time you had with him. Appreciate that you are still around and that you can support his family and help them through this tough time (although admittedly that is harder being away).

My brother-in-law is an ex-Marine. He has a tattoo on his forearm for a couple of guys he lost when he got into a surprise firefight in Iraq. He got through it by fighting for his friends while he was there and finding God when he got home. He told me one day something to the extent of, if you don't believe in God then none of these lives seemed worth fighting for. That's how he dealt with it.

Everyone adapts in their own way. Just don't deny your pain and sadness. They are very real and legitimate feelings. Utiliize whatever support networks you can and find your path.

[21katykat01]

I am so sorry for your loss doc_brietz, but like others have said - you've got all of us here for you.

Also like others have said, do what you feel you can, not what you feel you should. Being on active duty, I know you don't have the luxury of just taking a break from things, but put yourself first, take care of your mental health.

Thinking of you. Stay strong, keep talking, keep going. You're going to be ok

xo

[oystergirl]

So sorry for your loss doc. Seriously, no one EVER can get inside the head of someone who commits suicide. Recently my daughter's good friends dad took his life leaving behind a wife who had just overcome brain cancer and a stroke, and two daughters in high school, one of which found him. I had all sorts of emotions going through me from shock, to fear to anger to saddness. It is OK to feel ANY emotion you are feeling because holding them back for the sake of others is not going to heal you or make the situation better. During that time I also have 3 very good friends in hospital for life threatening situations. In the past i would have thrown in the towel and used crutches like food, drink, sleep, cigs etc. This time, i stuck to my program but treated myself very kindly and found that it helped tremendously. Talking on here also helps...everyone is so supportive. Big hugs to you!