what to do about this friend?

[GreenEyesBright]

I really think one on one is the way to go here. I'd just say "Hey, Im so glad you were able to meet me. Its hard to talk with so many people in the group. It gets a little crazy and loud. What are your thoughts on... *Insert random topic you both like here*" Don't bring up the group awkwardness, more then likely she will after she feels comfortable with you. If she doesn't, leave it be. If she doesn't feel a friendship connection, it'll come off as a personal attack no matter how nicely you put it.

The whole "sensitive issue" phrase is well... icky. Those words make us all feel like we've been called to the guidance counselors office to have a peptalk about personal hygiene. As a suggestion, you might enlist her help in creating a totally awesome outdoor adventure for the group, plan a picnic, paintball, downtown parade and bbq, Bishops and Bunnys St. Paddys Day party, etc. She'll feel a lot more connected in the group when she sees people are having fun with her. (: Just my thoughts...

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[ebm1224]

so after a good bit of consideration including what was mentioned here, i decided to send her a message through facebook. i tried to make it clear in the message that i was only bringing it up out of concern and that i didn't want her to feel attacked and felt that a message was the best medium to discuss this issue. it's been a few days and she hasn't responded...though i've seen her post other things on facebook. so i guess that's it. i suppose i have my answer, eh? it sucks but i feel like i've reached out on multiple occasions to her...can't really do much more. so, she will always have an open invitation to join us any time her boyfriend does (and i plan to see him this weekend while she's out of town and - while i don't want to talk bout this ad nauseum - if it does come up i'll make sure he knows that she's always welcome. but i think i can feel ok with not inviting her to things directly now. maybe she'll come around but for now i'll just put that effort towards spending time with people with whom there is a better dynamic

[Marlowe]

All due respect, no matter how sensitively you write a note like that, it's never going to be well-received in the form of a facebook message. You should've had a live conversation with her. Her non-response is either, "I can't even begin to know how to respond to this" or a, "f**k you, chick, I didn't like you in the first place".

[AKLulu]

All due respect, no matter how sensitively you write a note like that, it's never going to be well-received in the form of a facebook message. You should've had a live conversation with her. Her non-response is either, "I can't even begin to know how to respond to this" or a, "f**k you, chick, I didn't like you in the first place".

I think ebm considered this enough and knows the girl better than we do, so she probably felt it was the better option for communication. I've known a lot of people that are really uncomfortable/feel confronted with conversations like that face to face. Me, I try to have them, but something always gets taken the wrong way. Then I email and try to explain myself and it makes it better most of the time. I think that a FB message was a fine way to do it if they're both more comfortable communicating that way. Unless she already had negative feelings about ebm, there's no reason for her to take huge offense. And remember, that girl was the one who suggested messaging. And her non-response may be a brush-off, but it also might be that she hasn't decided how she wants to respond. Or she could be like me, read a message, and forget to respond for a week. *shrug*

[LRB]

Wow. We have ALL (myself included, even though this is my first post in this thread) thought this one into the ground, haven't we? Here's the thing: some people click; some people don't. My approach to interpersonal relationships is to be blunt (it's how I am) and to warn people that they need to be the same way with me -- I don't 'get' subtlety very well. But I get by pretty well without it. I wouldn't try to read anything into her non-response (but that's just me) -- in fact, I'd be the type to follow up with something like "having not heard back from you, I am assuming [you'd rather not come out with us, or whatever]; please let me know if that's wrong. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you the next time we all get together with [name of boyfriend] and you."

But as I said, I'm blunt. I just don't see the point in trying to interpret mixed messages, or in trying to send clear messages, when it's possible just to say what you mean.

God, I sound like a bitch, don't I? I'm not -- when I was 16, I gave myself to the age of 21 to figure out subtlety and innuendo. If I hadn't figured it out by 21, it was time to move on and figure out how to live without it without being obnoxious. It's been 20 years since I turned 21, and I've gotten pretty good at not being obnoxious while still being oblivious.

[ebm1224]

lrb, youre response made me laugh. i had a boyfriend in high school who i actually asked out 2 times...subtlely...and he didn't get it until i pretty much told him "we are going on a date this weekend. i'll be at your house at 2."

[AKLulu]

Haha, awesome. Sometimes I wish I was a little more... outspoken, but if it's important, I get my point across. I'm slowly learning to speak my mind (tactfully). Also, as far as people to hang out with go, I put forth effort for a little while, but if they never put in the effort to contact me, I kind of just let it slip away. Not worth my energy.