Depression, Grad School, Getting help.

[weyrcat]

The respawn point asks what went wrong, so I can fix it. I'll keep the post brief, because I'll be incorporating the information into the next challenge.

 

Two years ago, I was doing everything right. On May 05, I graduated Magna Cum Laude with my degree in secondary education and biology, with a certificate in environmental science. My teaching internship had been rough, but I'd loved my students. I'd been accepted into a great summer research internship, and had been offered a teaching assistanceship (scholarship where I also teach) for a masters in environmental science. On May 07, Mom called me to tell me she wasn't going to be able to make the organ donor list, and she and Dad decided to move her to hospice. Grandma and I flew out the next morning. By the time we got there, she was already in a coma. She died on mother's day, May 11. Just after midnight, to make sure it was mother's day, that brat. <3 We cremated her, and agreed to wait on the funeral until after my internship, because it was going to start THAT monday.

 

The internship was amazing. I loved it. I made friends, I worked hard, I'll cherish it always.

 

In August we held a memorial service for Mom at the Catholic church near Grandma. I spoke, badly. I got to see many family members I rarely see. I flew home with a tiny urn of Mom's ashes, and started my master's work.

 

When I got saddled with a terrible masters project, I didn't fight. When my advisor was pushing me this way and that in material I had no background in, and offered no real advise or support, I didn't gripe. Granted, I did get to do some odd teaching tasks that will be great on my CV and were a good learning experience, but in the end, I couldn't do the research. I couldn't really do anything. A year in, I hated what I was doing. My degree got pushed back because the proposal wasn't done. Six months later I gave the proposal, and had to do a complete rewrite (my advisor had stuffed so much into it that my committee thought it was for a PhD).

 

That Thanksgiving, my brother (on parole) went missing. He'd gone missing before, and I had to help setup the sting to catch him. This time, he disappeared and contacted no one. (He was missing for 3 months before they found him.) My sister, who's been fighting to get her kids back for 2 years (but really shouldn't get them back), was telling everyone she was about to be homeless (again), and called me to tell me she was pregnant again. I found out my Dad had a girlfriend, but hadn't told me. My husband and I were fighting a lot, and he was stressed out over his PhD and the Army and me and was drinking more again. One night, after a fight in the car, I stayed out there for just maybe 30 minutes. But I thought about killing myself. I realized that wasn't a ME thought. I know that suicide is usually an acute reaction, and that I didn't really want to die, so the next day I made plans to see a counselor.

 

In a week I was talking to a shrink at the university, and she was helping me find a counselor that takes my insurance. Six months later, that counselor convinced me to try antidepressants, since talking had helped, and I hadn't been suicidal in some time, but I was still lost and hopeless. Three weeks later, a short time for antidepressants, I felt like me again. I could see my challenges and not feel crushed by them. A week later, two weeks ago, I spoke with the head of my masters program and dropped from thesis to non-thesis, and graduate with my masters, in December. My sister has a healthy baby boy, and is living a few states away with the father's family. She's still hopeful about getting her girls back. I'm not. My brother is back in prison, where he still won't get the psychological help he needs, but it's not sleeping on a park bench with an ankle monitor, which is where he was before running away. I don't like my dad's girlfriend...she's objectively a little dim and irritating. I might not ever like her as a person, but my Dad's not depressed anymore, and he's happier than he was for a long time. He's almost the person he was before Mom got sick.

 

So. What happened, dear respawn point? My mom died. I became terribly depressed. I couldn't handle anything. I gained 20 pounds. My blood pressure and heartrate are "at risk". I drink more than I used to. I don't run anymore. I rarely plan enough to eat vegetarian or even something resembling healthy (so much spaghetti).  I didn't just fail a challenge... I had a mental injury that kept me from taking care of myself.

 

Now that I've getting better mentally, I need to get better physically. I miss NerdFitness. I see the next challenge is August 21 to September 17. I'm in.

 

*Edit. Ha. I suppose that wasn't very brief.

[fitnessgurl]

*hugs* You can do this. Just pace yourself. Maybe pick only one goal/habit this time around. Don't go into "I must accomplish all the things" mode. *more hugs*

[weyrcat]

1 hour ago, fitnessgurl said:

*hugs* You can do this. Just pace yourself. Maybe pick only one goal/habit this time around. Don't go into "I must accomplish all the things" mode. *more hugs*

 

That's good advice. I think I'll take it. One step at a time, one goal at a time, to build a habit.