I can't understand why they're offended/angry.... Help? (Little long, sorry)

[TechnoShark]

I live with my aunt and uncle and their two children. They don't charge me rent, utilities, or groceries. I'm making so little money and going to school so much that there is no way I could make ends meet if I had to regularly pay for these things. Buying my own food is a real rarity. But I do take care of my own personal needs like toiletries, anything to do with my car (gas, insurance, repairs), cell phone bill, school costs, etc.

Last Saturday, I decided to get some food at the store since I had a few extra bucks and they were having some sales on good stuff. Came home with nearly a week's worth of food that I could have for dinner for under 25$. This way I could eat more of what I wanted and I could be relying on them a little less.

No one was home, which is often the case at my house on saturdays, so I marked some of it with my initials. My aunt was soon home so I explained to her that I got some food and it was ok if they had it but I marked it so they know I got it and would like to know if/when they eat it. I just don't want to get excited to come home and eat carrots and find out there are no carrots when I open the fridge. She said ok, and I so I thought that was that and it was fine.

But the next morning, when I woke up for breakfast, they had put their last initial (which is different from mine) on everything. And this sort of thing happens in my family when someone is pissed about something. They don't confront, they leave notes and signals (SO FRUSTRATING).

So that night, when my aunt and uncle were home I asked if there was a problem and my aunt said "it just seemed like you were being possessive about it and I didn't understand it" but my uncle explained that they were both pissed about it and my aunt was just trying to pass it off as no big deal. They used the phrase "How dare you get food and decide to be possessive about it. We've never done that to you" and something along the lines of them being well off enough financially that they don't need my help.

I tried to explain to them the reasoning and that I wasn't trying to be possessive. Just let them know that it was something I got for me, and I told that to my aunt as soon as I saw her when I brought the food home and she didn't say anything about it at the time. And this wasn't the first time I had gotten my own food and marked it and they didn't have a problem with it then.

When I moved in, they told me that I could eat their food as long as I made sure there were no plans for it for dinners or things like that. I can't afford a lot and so they were helping me out and making sure I don't starve. But if I get food shouldn't I be allowed to be a little possessive? I don't have the money to feed five people like they do.

I'm just not understanding why this has to be an all or nothing deal (I eat my food only or their food only, it seems they want).

I don't see why they're so angry about this or so offended...

Maybe some of you guys can help me figure out what they're point of view is or help me figure out what to say.

We haven't talked since Sunday night when I bought it all up....

[saretta]

Hard to say who's wrong or right in a case like this. If you care about keeping the peace with your aunt and uncle, you probably should consider apologizing for what happened. They probably feel like since they hadn't limited your access to any of the food in the house, you should have been willing to chip in and share your stuff with them, too. Or at least, not pointed out that there was a difference between "yours" and "theirs" by marking your items.

Obviously, I do not know your or their motivations just from reading your post, but my technique in situations where I realise I have offended or pissed someone off (and it happens more than I would like!) is to say I'm so sorry for the misunderstanding, take all the blame (even if I don't think it was really all my fault) and try not to do it again. You can always hide special food in your room the next time. ;-)

[Rosie]

I can kind of understand from their point of view. It sounds like they have been pretty generous in not limiting what you're allowed to help yourself to in the fridge and letting you live there rent free. It may have felt to them that when you marked all the food with your initials, you were almost telling them they weren't allowed to have anything you had bought even though they have let you eat the things they bought. My advice would be to apologise for the misunderstanding and maybe next time you bring any food home, just say it more in a "hey guys I bought some food, let me know if you would like some" way.

[Oz.]

I can see entirely why they are upset. I probably would be as well.

They provide you with all these benefits at no cost. You provide very little, whether they can afford it or not, they share it all with no questions or parameters to what you can have.

You then go out buy a load of food only for yourself without sharing any of it. You see it as relying on them a little less, well just share it anyway, then you are doing more than relying less on them, but providing as well.

If im honest i think you are being a little selfish.

Oz.

[morethanjustamom]

I think maybe this is a bad case of mixed signals. Perhaps presenting the angle of 'I bought food because of my new diet plan or workout eating plan' may have come across as less offensive.

I don't believe from reading your post that you had a selfish intent though, but I could see how it could come across that way. Sometimes our loved ones hear other things besides what we're really saying at the time.

[wildross]

I've experienced similar things (from their point of view). Helping someone with no thought of return, then when they get something that "might" be useful to me, they mark it. Very irritating.

I agree also that it might go better with "hey, I had some extra money and used some of it for special food and here is some for you as well." or a gift card to a restaurant, etc.

[MrHyde]

Unlike most other other people on the thread, I fail to see a valid reason as to why on earth they would get angry. You bought food they don't usually get that you like, paid for it, and basically told them to leave you some (that is, they can eat it). If I were on your family's side, I'd find that very reasonable given your circumstances.

I do, however, think you should probably apologize. Why? Because you depend on them. So tell them what they want to hear and play nice until you can get out of there.

[CalvinHobbes]

I see why they are upset. I live with three other women and for about 3 months we were sharing everything, which was frustrating because I would come home and my food would be eaten, then I would really have nothing left to eat because I dislike most of their food choices. I was very frustrated when I came home to find they used my olive oil to bake--olive oil is expensive and they used a full cup!! One day though I came home and found that a bunch of food in the refrigerator was marked with one of my roommates initials, and she clearly stated that we were not allowed to eat her food...but she said this while munching on my carrots....so she was allowed to eat anything of mine but I couldn't touch her food. Not fair at all.

[LRB]

You marked your food so that they'd know to let you know if they ate it, so you wouldn't be looking forward to carrots only to find that there were no carrots. But they haven't been doing that all along - they haven't (as far as you said) asked that you let them know whenever you eat some of their food, or whatever. And surely there have been times that one of them has opened the fridge, looking forward to a particular food only to find that it is gone. That's part of living in community; you deal with it and move on.

In any event, no matter who is 'right' in this situation, you owe them an apology. Mostly because it's their house, and you are a guest there. If they want to say that whatever goes in the fridge belongs to everyone, that's their prerogative. Plus, if the food you got is not a sort that they usually stock, chances are they wouldn't have eaten much of it anyway.

I see both sides here, but agree with others who have said that you really should defer to your aunt and uncle, who are being incredibly generous by letting you live with them.

[Guest Snake McClain]

alright...I'm going to speak as someone who is in a nearly identical situation as you...

Only difference is i live with my grampa. I help take care of him so it's a bit different but still...

I can see why they are upset. they offer their food to you without any question it seems (besides when they say the pot roast is for dinner or whatever the F***) and then you come in with food and say, "whoa whoa this is mine folks."

Even thought you didn't say it as such that's how they are going to see it. You probably should have just put it in there and let it be. They probably wouldn't have mowed down on all your food. but..i dunno that's just my persepctive. I bring food home and I know my grampa wouldn't care if i said "HEY these chicken breasts here are going to be mine." but it just isn't in me to do that either so i dunno. just my perspective and i could be wrong but i see why they would be upset, even if it is just because of a misunderstanding. not that you did anything inherently wrong. They just had a negative perception of it. Just apologize (even if you don't want to) and explain your case nicely but end it with, "but it wasn't meant to be offensive and I'm sorry if I upset you guys." or whatever.

[Arashi]

I can see their side too. If only you had told them you're getting different food because of your new diet or something, I think they wouldn't have cared, but seriously, buying food that's only for you (I know that's not your intention, but that's how it probably looked like to them) and putting in their fridge sounds incredibly rude. I'm sure that was not your intention, but intent isn't magic; explain the situation to them, why you bought this kind of food, and all. They probably think you're disrespecting their home.

[CRM114]

If this were merely a room mate situation where you share food expenses, I'd say you were totally in the right. But the fact that you are living in their house at little expense, and distinguished between 'yours' and 'theirs' I can see where there would be a misunderstanding. Like others have suggested, you probably should have merely stated that the items you bought were an attempt to change your diet, and you didn't want to burden them with a 'special' food request for a diet they weren't participating with themselves. BUT... I do think the passive-aggressive way they handled the situation was petty and juvenile.

[Hammlin]

I had a similar experience, and I think that apologizing that your actions hurt their feelings can help, and maybe ask them what they would like you to do in the future if there were certain foods you needed for your dietary plan? Or maybe you the next time you had a little extra, buy some of your things, but then also make dinner for them, as a show of gratitude and acknowledgement?

[unicornassassin]

I do, however, think you should probably apologize. Why? Because you depend on them. So tell them what they want to hear and play nice until you can get out of there.

I agree with this. Regardless of whether your actions were 'right or wrong,' there's now a problem. If you want the problem to get better, it's up to you to fix it, because you can't control their actions. If you're not sorry for what you did (which would be reasonable) at least apologize for upsetting them and for giving them the message that you were ungrateful for all they offer you.

[So Late So Soon]

My brother used to do this to my parents after he had to move back home. He eventually realized it was upsetting them and apologized and everything was fine after that, if I was you I'd just apologize for the misunderstanding.

[scott82962]

You should have taken the extra money and replenished the staples you've been subsisting on. But, it's water under the bridge, so let it go. Your aunt and uncle sound like good, kind folk.

[Bean]

Everyone here says apologise - couldn't agree more. It will save a world of hurt. Whatever your intentions were, the reality is that they have been misinterpreted and resulting in offense being taken.

Small suggestion - if you have to spare cash - buy your aunt some flowers as part of the apology. Works every time.

[Naturally]

I can see entirely why they are upset. I probably would be as well.

They provide you with all these benefits at no cost. You provide very little, whether they can afford it or not, they share it all with no questions or parameters to what you can have.

You then go out buy a load of food only for yourself without sharing any of it. You see it as relying on them a little less, well just share it anyway, then you are doing more than relying less on them, but providing as well.

If im honest i think you are being a little selfish.

Oz.

This.

Them: You are welcome in our home and can use our mortgage/rent, electricity, heating/air con, furniture, TV licence, food and drink for free.

You: I'll take all of the above and I will use all of the above, except for when it suits me to do something else (buy my own food), in which case you can't have any of it, its mine, all mine! And when it runs out and I can't afford to buy more, I'll just carry on eating yours. You weren't looking forward to carrots tonight, were you? Cos I've eaten them. But you see this bag of mushrooms? Hands off it, its mine. [subtext: you don't cook food that's good/tasty/nourishing enough for me]

Them: WTF??? You're happy enough to use our stuff, but when you get something you're not prepared to share? How is that fair?

Apologise wholeheartedly. Arrange to make everyone a meal one night (With food you bought). Tell them how grateful you are that they provide so much for you and ask so little (if anything) in return.

[Oogiem]

I don't see why they're so angry about this or so offended...

I'm going to be more blunt, you are an ungrateful arse and need to apologize profusely and consider starting to pay your own way. Your behavior and your reaction to their totally justified anger is proof you are not really mature yet. If I were them I think I'd have kicked you out of the house for that stunt! That they haven't says they are far more forgiving than I'll ever be.

So go apologize now, and start putting every spare cent towards your upkeep, up to and including canceling your cell phone or going to the lowest minimum plan for emergency calls only so you have money to pay for basics.

[spezzy]

I'm going to be more blunt, you are an ungrateful arse and need to apologize profusely and consider starting to pay your own way. Your behavior and your reaction to their totally justified anger is proof you are not really mature yet. If I were them I think I'd have kicked you out of the house for that stunt! That they haven't says they are far more forgiving than I'll ever be.

So go apologize now, and start putting every spare cent towards your upkeep, up to and including canceling your cell phone or going to the lowest minimum plan for emergency calls only so you have money to pay for basics.

I agree 100% with Oogie here. 100%. Sorry.

[Arashi]

I'm going to be more blunt, you are an ungrateful arse and need to apologize profusely and consider starting to pay your own way. Your behavior and your reaction to their totally justified anger is proof you are not really mature yet. If I were them I think I'd have kicked you out of the house for that stunt! That they haven't says they are far more forgiving than I'll ever be.

I have to agree here, your aunt and uncle indeed tried to contain themselves, by signaling to you that something was wrong without making a scandal. My mother was much more vocal about this problem when my brother started bringing home bars and bars of chocolate that only he was allowed to eat. Of course, if any of us bought chocolate bars he'd eat his share and steal other people's too.

Which is why I stopped buying chocolate. I ended up not eating a single piece.

Also, just because they never demanded that you pay anything, doesn't mean they wouldn't welcome it. And even if you can't pay any of the bills, you can always help in other ways, if you're not doing that already. A bit of gardening or occasionally washing their car won't hurt you.

[katscratch]

I wonder if you would have gotten the same reaction if you'd used your extra money to buy cds, or a pair of jeans. I have to say I don't think your INTENT was to cause problems or be ungrateful, but I think in situations like yours it's really easy for both sides to become resentful when they develop expectations or feel unappreciated.

And this sort of thing happens in my family when someone is pissed about something. They don't confront, they leave notes and signals (SO FRUSTRATING).

I think *this* is key, because you essentially did the same thing. I'm not saying you should be required to give every extra cent to them -- I've let friends live with me and honestly I think it's really important to be able to treat yourself when you normally have squat, but the way you *communicated* that to your family was the part that seems rude. For example "shouldn't I be allowed to be a little possessive?" -- that comes across as being ungrateful and taking your family for granted. If you would have told your aunt and uncle before you went shopping that you had a little extra money and wanted to buy treats for yourself, and while you were out did they need anything, from what you've said I'd guess they would say No No we are good, treat yourself.

Family dynamics are complicated -- my brother and his girlfriend lived with my parents for a few years, and I learned a helluva lot about the differences between that dynamic and when we were growing up and *expected* to have our needs taken care of.

I agree that at this point a profuse apology should help, even if you still don't see their point of view (or most of ours!) If I were you I'd use this thread to open up conversation: be upfront that you didn't see why you were wrong so asked a bunch of friends and they almost all agreed that you were missing the boat. At any rate, HAVING a conversation is crucial, and you have to be the one to suck it up.

I hope our reactions don't put you off the boards, I know you're not a super-frequent poster. I totally agree with this:

Your behavior and your reaction to their totally justified anger is proof you are not really mature yet.

-- For me personally, times that I've been called out on things that I didn't see turned out to be amazing opportunities to better myself. Without being confronted, I might not have as good an understanding of the ways I naturally tend to be selfish (we ALL have our little things!), or at the very least, I would have taken longer to get there on my own and potentially would have hurt people along the way.

Take this thread as a base from which you can grow Good luck!

[msuroo]

*claps*

A+ post katscratch.

[Shortkaik]

I agree with most of the things that have been posted here, i.e., apologize, and try to find a way to do it better next time. They are justified. Passive-aggressiveness sucks, but it's pretty common in families.

I would also back up what Hammlin recommended: Maybe next time, use the food you bought and make a big meal and offer to share it with everyone. If it's something they don't want to eat... hey, great, more for you! If they want to eat it, well, you should be willing to share when they are so willing to share everything with you.

[scotticus]

I'm going to be more blunt, you are an ungrateful arse and need to apologize profusely and consider starting to pay your own way. Your behavior and your reaction to their totally justified anger is proof you are not really mature yet. If I were them I think I'd have kicked you out of the house for that stunt! That they haven't says they are far more forgiving than I'll ever be.

So go apologize now, and start putting every spare cent towards your upkeep, up to and including canceling your cell phone or going to the lowest minimum plan for emergency calls only so you have money to pay for basics.

While I agree that apologizing to and making good with the OP's hosts is definitely in order here, I think that the name calling is unecessary. The #1 thing that makes these forums so awesome is that people don't do that - ever. Kind of funny that it's part of a heavy handed response on manners...

I agree 100% with Oogie here. 100%. Sorry.

You're entitled to your opinion, but aren't moderators and admins supposed to remain impartial and keep members in check? With that in mind, I consider endorsing "sorry but you're an arse" type comments to be at least a little bit offside.