I can't understand why they're offended/angry.... Help? (Little long, sorry)

[MrHyde]

In skimming all new replies to this thread I'm seeing that pretty much everyone but me thinks the family is right and quite frankly, I don't get it.

I've recently had a friend of mine stay over for ~10 days, and I was basically feeding her the whole time. We had pretty much this exact same situation happen (with me on the receiving end), and I found her request perfectly valid. Seriously, what could possibly be wrong? I spend less money, I have a greater variety of foods to eat if I feel so inclined, my own food reserves last longer, and we both eat more of whatever foods we prefer.

[Arashi]

In skimming all new replies to this thread I'm seeing that pretty much everyone but me thinks the family is right and quite frankly, I don't get it.

I've recently had a friend of mine stay over for ~10 days, and I was basically feeding her the whole time. We had pretty much this exact same situation happen (with me on the receiving end), and I found her request perfectly valid. Seriously, what could possibly be wrong? I spend less money, I have a greater variety of foods to eat if I feel so inclined, my own food reserves last longer, and we both eat more of whatever foods we prefer.

1 - Your friend stayed for 10 days. She was a guest in your house, not a member of the family. Even if you had found the situation uncomfortable, in a few days she'd be gone and you wouldn't have to deal with it. Our fellow nerd lives with his relatives and is supported by said relatives. It is a completely different situation.

2 - Maybe your friend was nicer to you and explained the situation better. Sometimes the way you phrase things makes all the difference in the world.

[msuroo]

In skimming all new replies to this thread I'm seeing that pretty much everyone but me thinks the family is right and quite frankly, I don't get it.

I've recently had a friend of mine stay over for ~10 days, and I was basically feeding her the whole time. We had pretty much this exact same situation happen (with me on the receiving end), and I found her request perfectly valid. Seriously, what could possibly be wrong? I spend less money, I have a greater variety of foods to eat if I feel so inclined, my own food reserves last longer, and we both eat more of whatever foods we prefer.

Firstly, hosting someone for 10 days is not the same as letting someone live with you. I see the parallel you are trying to make, but it just isn't the same situation. Having someone live with you is a drain. I mean, I'd do it again in a heartbeat if any of my or my wife's family members needed it, but there's no way around it - it is trying.

Other than that though - it's not even so much the idea of "I bought some stuff for myself" that is so offensive - but when you come home and find stuff in your own fridge, marked "not yours"...well, compound that with the above and it's very easy to see where the frustration comes from. Add on top of that the response of "Why shouldn't I be allowed to be possessive?!" - and yeah, I'd be very angry in that situation.

Edit: Yeah, what Arashi said.

[MrHyde]

@Arashi: 1-You are right in that it's not the same; I actually like my friends and thus tend to both treat them better and tolerate their presence for far longer than family. But the situation presented itself on day 2-3 and at that point I was under the impression she was going to stay for a lot longer than 10 days. As such, I would agree the situation is not the same, but absolutely not that far off, and there were 0 reservations on my part about it.

2-Could be. At least most of my family has a tendency to take message delivery more seriously than the message itself.

@msuroo: Of course it's a drain having someone else live with you, which is why something like this should be welcomed. I know it helped me in my case.

Why would it be a problem for there to be stuff in your house that's not yours? I most definitely don't feel inclined to use someone else's clothes just because they are in the guest's room. I can't see how food in the fridge would be in any way different. Besides, if I remember correctly, the OP didn't say "you can't eat this at all" so much as "leave me some".

P.S. I'm sorry if my response seems overly argumentative. It's difficult for me to abandon a conversation/argument where I don't understand something that seems blatantly obvious.

[Arashi]

P.S. I'm sorry if my response seems overly argumentative. It's difficult for me to abandon a conversation/argument where I don't understand something that seems blatantly obvious.

No problem, I have this difficulty as well. Anyway, that's exactly my point. It SEEMED obvious to the OP, and it seems to you, as well. But it is not in any way obvious. That's why I said that the way you deliver the message makes all the difference.

For example, one thing that is pretty obvious to me and almost everyone else is that, when someone is doing you a favor and sharing everything they have with you, not doing the same is rude. Kindergarten 101, you know - share your toys!

[ChristArtist]

I don't get it....

I remember when i was dieting as a child, and I would come home, and my brother, with no weight issue, would have eaten ALL of my yogurt...and none of the stuff he could have but I couldn't....and my folks just didn't seem to get it! So, what was I supposed to do???? I marked it...and they responded just like yours did!

<sigh>

therapy hat on....

they have given given given...and obviously took this as an act of ungratefulness - and since no one's feelings are right or wrong...to make peace, you must apologize.

communication BEFORE an issue might have prevented the issue - "hey guys, I'm trying this new type of eating...and I'm going to need more carrots...can i chip in so we can have more here, or would you like me to buy some if no one else wants any?" Maybe a family meeting, so that everyone can be on board...

Share with them your new plans and ideas...appeal to their heart wanting to help care for you...and definitely make sure you are gushing your appreciation...because often, irritations like this come from something else, deeper, and unsaid.

Since you probably need their refrigerator to store your special food - ask them how they would like you to handle this situation, how would they prefer you do this, how can you follow this diet/lifestyle without offending them.

Some folks can react out of guilt...they have ice cream bars and you have carrots, they have snickers and you have celery...what are you saying about their eating habits????

Some folks can react out of pain...as I said, an underlying irritation that they haven't even brought up...but that the initials triggered, and allowed some steam to escape.

You didn't say how long you've lived there, or how long you intend to stay there...or if there is any way you are giving back to the family. Maybe just a simple act of gratitude will help the situation, after the apology, of course!

IHTH!

[katscratch]

In skimming all new replies to this thread I'm seeing that pretty much everyone but me thinks the family is right and quite frankly, I don't get it.

I've been on both sides of the living-with-family coin, and honestly *I* wouldn't have been angry at all, I get wanting something for yourself when you're broke, but the OP was asking for help understanding why HIS family was. That, and the wording of "why can't I be possessive?" and not seeming to realize how selfish his actions came across is probably what fueled a lot of our responses.

edit to add: Ladywildross, i like your ideas

[ChristArtist]

edit to add: Ladywildross, i like your ideas

Thank you.

[unicornassassin]

While I agree that apologizing to and making good with the OP's hosts is definitely in order here, I think that the name calling is unecessary. The #1 thing that makes these forums so awesome is that people don't do that - ever.

Thank you, Scotticus! I left a different fitness forum because name calling, antagonizing, and all kinds of disrespectful behavior became the norm. I came here to NF because everyone is so kind and supportive, but still manage to disagree and make their points.

[msuroo]

@Arashi: 1-You are right in that it's not the same; I actually like my friends and thus tend to both treat them better and tolerate their presence for far longer than family. But the situation presented itself on day 2-3 and at that point I was under the impression she was going to stay for a lot longer than 10 days. As such, I would agree the situation is not the same, but absolutely not that far off, and there were 0 reservations on my part about it.

2-Could be. At least most of my family has a tendency to take message delivery more seriously than the message itself.

@msuroo: Of course it's a drain having someone else live with you, which is why something like this should be welcomed. I know it helped me in my case.

Why would it be a problem for there to be stuff in your house that's not yours? I most definitely don't feel inclined to use someone else's clothes just because they are in the guest's room. I can't see how food in the fridge would be in any way different. Besides, if I remember correctly, the OP didn't say "you can't eat this at all" so much as "leave me some".

P.S. I'm sorry if my response seems overly argumentative. It's difficult for me to abandon a conversation/argument where I don't understand something that seems blatantly obvious.

A couple things: I can totally respect you standing up for a position you think is just. Also, reasonable minds can differ - so if we never see eye to eye on this, that's OK.

With that said, I still think you are trying to project your experience onto a situation that is almost entirely unrelated. It doesn't really matter if you thought your houseguest was going to be long term - at the time they had been with you for 2 days. Even if it had been 10, that just isn't a long enough timeframe to feel the drain of supporting someone else long term. It doesn't really matter if it is a friend or family member - when weeks turn into months (or years, heaven forbid), it is simply a trying experience. I agree with some of the other posts in this thread - I don't begrudge anybody for wanting something for themselves. Especially if that is a rarity, it can be a liberating feeling to buy your own food, or night out at the movies, or whatever else. The "what" is really unimportant. What does matter is the presentation. If I am understanding the OP correctly - he put a bunch of food in the fridge and marked it "mine" without any discussion first. If I am the aunt/uncle in that scenario, I come home and think "Who the eff does this kid think he is? He lives off of us for weeks/months/years and has the gall to tell us what is and isn't ours!?". Even if the OP didn't intend in that way (ie, not "don't eat this", but rather "leave some for me") - it's almost too late at that point. The damage is partially done. Think about it in a vacuum - if you went to a random fridge and saw food marked with someone else's initials- what would your first thought be? "I can have some of this as long as I leave some and tell him I had a bit"? - let's be serious, of course not. Marking something with your initials is a very territorial move. Follow that up with a response of "Why shouldn't I be allowed to be possessive?!?", and if you can't see why the aunt/uncle aren't seeing this in the same light as the OP - well, I don't know what to tell you.

[Guest Eduard]

You're entitled to your opinion, but aren't moderators and admins supposed to remain impartial and keep members in check? With that in mind, I consider endorsing "sorry but you're an arse" type comments to be at least a little bit offside.

No. They are regular users, so, as you said, they are entitled to their opinions.

Like, think about it: why would a random guy be allowed to say what he thinks and Superman not? It's true, he could change others' points of view since he's that kickass, but it's usually considered that, if someone became a Moderator, he knows what's good and right.

(If needed, I'd also be on-topic: I find OP's behavior weird, and 100% agree with Spezzy who 100% agreed with Oogiem. But since the OP is a girl and she's younger, I'm gonna take her side this time. As long as she doesn't mark the side too.)

Edit: Forgot to say, I agree with you about insulting people around here. I mean... I do it too, but just in joke... and don't see how "ungrateful arse" could've been a joke. 'cause if we wanted this kind of behavior from co-members... we'd be all on Bodybuilding.com's board. Bleah.

On a side note, the OP didn't answer since she started the thread... I'll go on and assume that she was kicked out of the house.

Another edit: Fixed some grammar.

[msuroo]

On a side note, the OP didn't answer since she started the thread... I'll go on and assume that she was kicked out of the house.

I noticed this as well. I hope we didn't scare him off - we do kind of come off like an angry mob. If nothing else, hopefully he can see why his aunt and uncle would be upset in that scenario and use it as a life lesson.

[cracked_belle]

firstly, I've been in the same situation for a while now, under various living conditions. for a year, it was a friend's mom. but now, I'm with family.

my suggestion:

• firstly, go ahead and apologise. it'll ease the peace and allow their feelings to feel validated.
  
• second, THIS:

  When I moved in, they told me that I could eat their food as long as I made sure there were no plans for it for dinners or things like that.

  communicate to them that you had the same intentions. "I totally don't mind if we share. but just as I make sure I'm not eating into a planned dinner with your food, maybe we can do similarly with anything I purchase."

I think they misunderstand your intialling your food, and you misunderstood their frustration.

and also:

While I agree that apologizing to and making good with the OP's hosts is definitely in order here, I think that the name calling is unecessary. The #1 thing that makes these forums so awesome is that people don't do that - ever.

Thank you, Scotticus! I left a different fitness forum because name calling, antagonizing, and all kinds of disrespectful behavior became the norm. I came here to NF because everyone is so kind and supportive, but still manage to disagree and make their points.

I concur.

[bgvanbur]

I can see how you want something to yourself when you can provide little things that are specifically for you. But even more I think it is rude.

Perhaps next time (if there is a next time), you don't mark it and if they seem to eat a good portion of something then suggest that they buy the item more often (and therefore you will be able to eat it more often in the long term hopefully). If they don't like it, then only you will eat it.