Using my 20 Seconds of courage

[Bean Sidhe]

So this is my introduction. To be honest, I am not sure I will ever post it, but I figured it might help.

I am not really a total noob to this, but rather, somewhere between a noob and a respawn. Let me explain.

I could give you a long bio, but really, I don’t know that anyone would care to read it. I am fat. I admit this, I could easily lose at least 100 lbs. it is probably closer to 120 lbs. I am tired of being fat. I am tired of the universe deciding to beat on me and my family and my chosen extended family. I need to do something to fix it. I will have a child in high school next year and I don’t want to be this way at his graduation or my graduation (I am currently in college as well). The best way I can describe it is that I feel like Frodo towards the end of his journey. He is just so tired. He isn’t sure he can keep going. Everything weighs and feels so much heavier than it should.

Here is why I am not quite a total N00B. I have a fitbit and just about this time last year, I was averaging about about 11,000 steps a day with some days being closer to 17,000 steps. I felt good, I was doing sit ups and wall pushups, I was doing real push ups, reverse incline push ups, reverse sit ups  and a ton of other exercises. I was working on cutting out soda. I was eating okay, I was on the treadmill every night, I even had a 14:30 minute mile on the darn thing, plus walking my daughter to and from school, sometimes the long way. I had started really cleaning out the house and getting rid of junk that had been accumulating for years. We wnet from having 2 paths in the basement to a clean and organized basement that we even set up a treadmill in. I even went back to college part time and was getting As while still working part time. I felt I had it under control and I was feeling good. I had energy, I finally felt like I had figure it out. I did my first 5K with my daughter as color run and I was getting somewhere. As we crossed the finish line, one of the guys working the event joked that I should sign up for a 10 K since I didn’t look tired yet.

And then word came down, that my husband might lose his job. Then it turned out I needed fairly major oral surgery that did require sedation.  2 weeks of liquids only, which with my dietary restrictions left me with ONLY 5 things of which I could eat. 2 of them being Ensure and Milkshakes. Then I had 4 more weeks of soft food which left me with a total of 15 things I could eat including the previous 5. I felt fine post-surgery within 2 or 3 days, but for that month, I had no energy and I was not allowed to exercise. I kept hoping, once I can eat veggies again, I will feel better. Once I was put on regular food, I was still tired, still down. I couldn’t find the energy to do much. I did complete my second 5 K in here and it was timed, but it was much harder.  I still was drained and I couldn’t seem to get myself moving to do any of the things that had helped previously. That was September. While my husband was able to keep his job, it still took a toll. By January, I was up 50 lbs from where I had been over the summer and I could tell not only had I lost muscle tone, I had lost some of my endurance.

In January, I recommitted the like 4^th time that I was going to start small. Just do my few chosen 5 minute chores a day, and start there and not try to start back where I had been before the surgery. Now I am still struggling staying on the treadmill, but I am walking the longer way when possible to pick my kids up from school. I am probably eating too much, but I know if I try to curb that while focusing on the treadmill, I will get overwhelmed. I add one or 2 more “chores” a day that are generally things I spend 5 minutes on. Things like “Spend 5 minutes cleaning the basement” sometimes it is 2 minutes, sometimes it is 10, but it gets me doing it. Although I can say I have gone 200 days without a soda. Well, I may take one sip off my husbands in there, but it reminds me why I don't like it anymore.

But what I really lack is accountability and someone to support me. My mom doesn’t think I can do it, and makes jokes about me being thin finally when I am old. She gave me a hard time today when I said I was wearing my treadmill shoes (tennis shoes) because I had a huge blister on my foot and my boots wouldn’t work because I would never use a treadmill. My husband tries, but he wants to make things better. My chosen sisters would help, but really, the closest one is 45 minutes away. Most are 3-5 hours. I have almost no friends locally, mostly since the other “moms” I know don’t understand being a geek, so I have to do this on my own. While I am not sure how much time I can commit to being on here, I need to find a support system. I am going to try to check in once a day. That is becoming one of my new “chores” this month. Hopefully I can get back to where I was. I want to try to be better than I was. I just want this to the time it really works. 

[Elastigirl]

Welcome. Sounds like you've had a tough year. Despite that and going back some, you still kept to the no soda habit which is huge change, and you did a 5k, even if it was harder than your first.  NF is great for encouragement and accountability. Your re-spawn is off to a good start, and you will continue to build on the habits you've established.

[Bean Sidhe]

Thank you, I am hoping this time it goes better. I appreciate your words since this is what I know I need. Someone who can keep me accountable and remind me why I am doing this.

Thank you, I look forward to getting to know you better

 

[MissJenniecide]

Welcome to NF! I'm really impressed that you're powering through so many setbacks, and congratulations on completely your second 5k as well!

 

For accountability, checking in does sound like a great plan! 

[Bean Sidhe]

Thank you MissJenniecide

I am not sure how well I am powering through right now. I decide to start this course, and then my youngest comes down with a horrible case of flu and sadly, when she is sick, she wants mom to cuddle her all day. With a fever of 102.5, I would rather cuddle since I can keep an eye on her. Sadly, this means I have done almost nothing for the last 3 days. Dr says there is nothing we can do besides wait it out... Ugh.

2 steps forward.. hopefully only one step back. I am still trying best I can.

[MissJenniecide]

Sometimes the flu happens. I got it myself just a couple weeks ago, and I wasn't able to do my full workouts. If you get the chance, even just doing your warmups will help I think. Try doing walking lunges on the way to get medicine or soup etc, and squats while you wait for it to heat up. Even just stretches help! That was the most I could handle while coughing so much, but hopefully it'll be easier for you to squeeze some in!

I hope your daughter gets better soon!

[Bean Sidhe]

Thanks, we are finally coming off the high fevers. We might get normal life on Friday. I did get some of my workouts in. I don't have much in the way of routines yet since my workouts are mostly walking and a few other exercises I can sprinkle into my day (Wall pushups (Because I can't do a full pushup yet), plank, a ballet stretch with my leg on a half wall instead of a barre, and a warrior III pose from Yoga) These are all things I can do in about 5 minutes. If I do them together, great, but if not, it works well too. Part of it is, with her fever being the way it is, I am doing good to sleep more than about 3 hours a night. But soon things will get back to normal. The fact I am still trying means something.

[farflight]

On 3/8/2017 at 5:46 PM, Bean Sidhe said:

The fact I am still trying means something.

 

That right there is the heart of it all I think. 

 

People (the wife) often ask why I'm doing the workouts or "dieting" (which a good MD friend of mine say "diet is just whatever you put in your mouth"), because the thought of not doing it terrifies me. I've been the obese, flirted with morbidly obese guy before. It just sucks (one break down moment was when I noticed that the dressing rooms in the "big and tall" section were larger than regular dressing rooms of stores, guess they thought I'd get stuck in the door).

 

Keep trying, keep fighting. After you do stuff for awhile it does become routine. I've been doing exercises (after my last thrown back) since roughly November. Sometimes I do them when wife and pets have all gone to bed. Sometimes I stay up late to do them, sometimes I....skip them completely.

 

TBH, the very first thing I did (prior to exercise and fitbits etc). I got out a set of measuring cups, or I read the label of a package of cheese. If the block of cheese states 10 servings per package, I cut it into 10 equal(ish) sized pieces, if yogurt says a serving is 1 cup, I measured 1 cup. It took a couple months to retrain my brain to what a real "serving" of something is.

 

Keep up the fight bean! We only lose if we give up.

 

A song lyric/part that still gets me to cry (and just looking it up for this post got 2 tears) is from the Flobots-"We are Winning"

We are building up a new world. 
Do not sit idly by. 
Do not remain neutral. 
Do not rely on this broadcast alone. 
We are only as strong as our signal. 
There is a war going on for your mind. 
If you are thinking, you are winning. 
Resistance is victory. 
Defeat is impossible. 
Your weapons are already in hand. 
Reach within you and find the means by which to gain your freedom. 
Fight with tools. 
Your fate, and that of everyone you know 
Depends on it.

 

God Bless!!!!

[Bean Sidhe]

Thank

1 hour ago, farflight said:

 

That right there is the heart of it all I think. 

 

People (the wife) often ask why I'm doing the workouts or "dieting" (which a good MD friend of mine say "diet is just whatever you put in your mouth"), because the thought of not doing it terrifies me. I've been the obese, flirted with morbidly obese guy before. It just sucks (one break down moment was when I noticed that the dressing rooms in the "big and tall" section were larger than regular dressing rooms of stores, guess they thought I'd get stuck in the door).

 

Keep trying, keep fighting. After you do stuff for awhile it does become routine. I've been doing exercises (after my last thrown back) since roughly November. Sometimes I do them when wife and pets have all gone to bed. Sometimes I stay up late to do them, sometimes I....skip them completely.

 

TBH, the very first thing I did (prior to exercise and fitbits etc). I got out a set of measuring cups, or I read the label of a package of cheese. If the block of cheese states 10 servings per package, I cut it into 10 equal(ish) sized pieces, if yogurt says a serving is 1 cup, I measured 1 cup. It took a couple months to retrain my brain to what a real "serving" of something is.

 

Keep up the fight bean! We only lose if we give up.

 

A song lyric/part that still gets me to cry (and just looking it up for this post got 2 tears) is from the Flobots-"We are Winning"

I am fortunate, that If I ask my husband to be "the jerk" He will not let up until I get on the treadmill for "5 minutes" Once i get going, it goes better, but it is that first push to start. I do stay up late, and then don't get much sleep as a result, but some of that is deadlines for school, balancing girl scout cookie money, making sure that whatever "Hey we are doing a thing" the next day is ready. Sometime, when I am already looking at maybe 5 hours of sleep, I have to tell myself that the rest might be more of the issue than the exercise. And that is something I am trying to juggle too. Sadly the ball I tend to drop the most when things get weird is myself. But I keep trying to put it back in there and go with it.

My most recent moment was the day my mom had to keep sitting down because her back couldn't take making Christmas dinner or the fact the other day she complained that my dad never got the kitty litter or cat food out of the car. Not the big 35lb bags, the 12 lb bags. She was getting mad about it, and saying that it never ends. I am a good hundred lbs overweight, probably more. She is easily a good 100+ more than I am. I do not want to be unable to play with my kids. I don't want to have to ask someone to go upstairs and open the windows when I get home from work since I want the house cool at bed. I don't want that life, I know it, I just need to keep focused. Which is what I am here hoping to do.

I do watch what I eat. My lunch is all green peppers, carrots, pineapple, celery, with no dip, just veggies. And when I can do the calorie tracking and the portion thing, I do slightly better but I have worked with a nutritionist before and they Said it wasn't the eating so much. Now that was probably 2 years ago, but I know what I need to do, what I lack is the reminder that I am doing something right or someone to keep me on track.

I know this all sounds like excuses, and they kinda are. I just know I have to do this slow, only add a few more things a day to work on until those become 2nd nature, and then I pick something else because every time I say "I am going to do these 10 things" it never happens.  I am in for a long haul, and it will take time, but I haven't given up, I just know I have a long path to walk.

[RevQu]

It can be really hard to keep momentum going when life hands you a pile of setbacks and unexpected issues.

 

But you've got the right reasons, the know-how, and the fact that you've made progress before backing you up. Keep doing your small changes, the things you can manage. Slowly you start to feel better and are able to do more. And that momentum builds again.

 

Welcome to the forum! The social support and accountability here is fantastic.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Bean Sidhe]

7 hours ago, RevQu said:

It can be really hard to keep momentum going when life hands you a pile of setbacks and unexpected issues.

 

But you've got the right reasons, the know-how, and the fact that you've made progress before backing you up. Keep doing your small changes, the things you can manage. Slowly you start to feel better and are able to do more. And that momentum builds again.

 

Welcome to the forum! The social support and accountability here is fantastic.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you RevQu.

I am finding support here to be amazing, and I am trying to remember this is a journey. I may lose the path in the forest of "Hello LIFE" I will find it again. It may mean backtracking to do so, but eventually I should get there.

[RevQu]

Thank you RevQu.

 

I am finding support here to be amazing, and I am trying to remember this is a journey. I may lose the path in the forest of "Hello LIFE" I will find it again. It may mean backtracking to do so, but eventually I should get there.

 

 

We all lose the path sometimes! The important part is that you got on it at all, and that you'll get back to it when you go off track.

 

I had a rough life month through my first challenge, but I still made progress even with my detours.

 

You're in the right place, and I look forward to following your journey!

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Bean Sidhe]

16 hours ago, RevQu said:

 

 

We all lose the path sometimes! The important part is that you got on it at all, and that you'll get back to it when you go off track.

 

I had a rough life month through my first challenge, but I still made progress even with my detours.

 

You're in the right place, and I look forward to following your journey!

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Sometimes just hearing someone else did it helps remind me that I can. Thank you.