Q for Women: What Makes a Man Easy/Difficult to Get Along With?

[Bumblebee4]

EFT I think it's just part of the make up of men and women. You guys are taught to stuff down the feelings and fix things. We're taught to talk about our feelings.

Regarding the honesty, genuineness, and responsibilty... Those actually are all entertwined with the things we've said as women.

Honesty - Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Genuineness - Same as above but also being there for us when we need you to be makes you genuinely interested in us.

Responsiblity - Help us when we need it but don't try to fix our rants. Read books about women and relationships with even half the intensity that you read about sports or fitness or whatever so that we can learn and grow together.

And yes choose right all the time but learn in a relationship what right is. Everyone is different and you have to be genuinely responsible enough to honestly listen to your partner to know what her right is. (See what I did there?)

[ETFnerd]

that's a great explanation, thanks

[Bumblebee4]

You are very welcome. Glad you liked it. I usually joke that I am single because I understand the differences between men and women and I understand relationships so well that I just can't find someone that has a clue. I'm sure he'll come along one day.

[ETFnerd]

I'm sure he'll come along one day.

i have no doubt...

[ETFnerd]

thank you for your kind comments Leimanu. and thank you all for your personal insights. like everyone else, i'm a walking grab-bag of faults that i struggle daily to cure...

[Rivanariko]

I just finished reading "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie upon the recommendation of a friend of mine (because I'm bad at the whole "people" thing). While the book was generally a little dry and preachy for my taste, it does an excellent job of explaining how and WHY to be a good listener.

I think there is a key difference between "listening without giving advice" and "being apathetic to the problem", which I think is more what is implied by the quote that you posted ETF, (To see evil and not change it is to enable it or something of the like, I don't want to try to toggle the page back) and it definitely can be a blurry line. There are several reasons that someone might want to rant without receiving advice.

1) Sometimes people just need to talk themselves through a problem out loud. Personally, my thoughts get crazy jumbled in my head and I end up spinning in circles. I have a few key people that I call when I have an important decision to make, and they listen attentively while I unwind my thoughts and figure out where I'm going. In this case, input isn't always bad, but advice is not warranted

2) Sometimes it's a situation that you cannot change, but need to rant about. Ranting feels good. Sometimes I need to rant about how upset my residents make me at work. I can't change that. As much as I'd like to lock them in a room sometimes, we're not licensed to do things like that. So I rant about it to my husband or to my best friend (in a manner that still observes HIPPA privacy, of course). There's nothing I can do about the fact that I had to put "Lucy" in a restraint for self-harming today and got blood all over my shirt besides try to get the stains out. I just want to rant about it and the issues surrounding it.

3) Sometimes, getting advice makes me feel like a child. I know that this isn't the intent, but when people offer obvious solutions, it makes me want to punch them in the face. Oh, I hate living in North Dakota, so I should just move somewhere else? That's a brilliant idea! Why didn't I think of that! Oh wait, that would mean my husband would be court martialed for being AWOL. But thanks for playing. It doesn't matter how good the advice is, if the person isn't seeking advice and in the right mind frame for receiving advice, then they're going to bristle and get defensive. No one likes feeling inferior.

Now, a genuine problem is something that you should try to seek a solution for together, but only when you're invited to help. It's also not a harmful question to ask "would you like some input?" or something similar, but don't assume that you need to be the knight in shining armor all of the time.

[Red1263]

It's also not a harmful question to ask "would you like some input?" or something similar, but don't assume that you need to be the knight in shining armor all of the time.

OOOO I will definitely try this! Thanks Rivanarkio!

[ZenGwen]

Easy to get along with: When he hears about situations where people have been dicks to me, is angry on my behalf and asks me if I would like him to go beat them up. The gesture is appreciated.

Not easy to get along with: Actually goes and beats them up instead of letting me deal with it myself. Gesture totally not appreciated. Although I have had a boyfriend run interference when I was getting some unwanted attention at a club, and I was so grateful for that. It's a fine line.

Easy to get along with: Follows my lead on Valentine's Day, anniversaries, etc. I don't think they're a big deal but it would be nice to go out to dinner or something. We will maybe get each other little presents, at a push. This is perfectly cool. Most awesome Valentine's so far: boyfriend brought fresh baked brownies over to my dorm, we munched and watched sparkly anime and zombie films together.

Not easy to get along with: Buys me expensive jewellery on these occasions. This makes me very uncomfortable, especially when it is very girly jewellery, we are both fairly poor, and the relationship is fairly new. Same guy as brownies-and-anime guy, unfortunately.

Easy to get along with: Will happily debate me on a wide range of issues, but is generally on my side on the important stuff, and/or can respect our differences. I can't date a non-feminist. And I need my religion to be respected. Beyond that, fire away.

Not easy to get along with: Is a pushover in all debates, or is an utter douche on important issues - for example, is prone to slut-shaming, or tries to bully me into atheism or "any religion but Christianity, come on!"

Easy to get along with: Is understanding when I am bitchy, and accepts gracefully when I apologize a couple days later and explain it was due to hormones.

Not easy to get along with: Blames any moodiness on hormones, and/or doesn't respect the fact that even though PMS may be a contributing factor to my anger, I am still genuinely angry. Also, being grossed out by female bodily functions, not cool. Man up. If you're not up for sexytimes, that's fine, but I am not gross simply in virtue of being a woman.

Bottom line: Get to know the lady, and respect what you know about her.

Would it be offensive to you lovely ladies, if we request that you tell us off the bat to let us know that you just want us to listen and not answer?

Not at all. I have a boyfriend who, when I start ranting or griping, asks me - "Do you want advice, or sympathy?" He's not being sarcastic, he's being genuine. I know that if I ask for advice he'll give it, and he won't be gentle about it, but it's often good advice. But if I just ask for sympathy he will just be a sympathetic listener. It's pretty awesome.

[airen123]

How a man acts while driving is a HUGE indicator for me. Road rage=red flag.

[Arashi]

Now, a genuine problem is something that you should try to seek a solution for together, but only when you're invited to help. It's also not a harmful question to ask "would you like some input?" or something similar, but don't assume that you need to be the knight in shining armor all of the time.

I couldn't have explained it better. Asking is always better than assuming that you know the answer, especially if you have a history of screwing up at those moments.

Airen, does sports rage count? Because I can be a bear at soccer games.

[bigm141414]

How a man acts while driving is a HUGE indicator for me. Road rage=red flag.

Whelp that eliminates 90% of the men in any major US city. Especially Boston. Those guys are crazy!

[morethanjustamom]

My Hubby is an awesome guy with terrible driving "issues". He claims it is currently his main source of stress.

He's currently trying to channel his driving anger towards his barbell.

[Tashabear]

Whelp that eliminates 90% of the men in any major US city. Especially Boston. Those guys are crazy!

Meh. There's a difference between driving aggressively and driving dangerously, and between those two and road rage.

I remember a colleague complaining about the drivers in Kuwait, and thinking "Really? That's a Tuesday in Boston..."

[Elastigirl]

Would it be offensive to you lovely ladies, if we request that you tell us off the bat to let us know that you just want us to listen and not answer?

Not offensive, I do do that sometimes or sometimes my husband asks me what I'm looking for. Cause, you know what, sometimes I do want him to offer suggestions and me being easy to get along with is that I don't always expect him to just know the dfferance.

Flip side: talking about getting along, I think part of getting along is knowing that just because the person doesn't react or think exactly as you would doesn't mean they are trying to annoy you. The listening versus giving advice is a perfect example. When I am ranting and my husband thinks I want advice I can (and have) handled it in two opposite ways. I can be all offended and figure he think I'm to stupid to figure it out myself or I can understand he just cares and the way he is wired is to help and I can , as you suggested, tell him that I just want a listening ear.

[Tashabear]

EFT I think it's just part of the make up of men and women. You guys are taught to stuff down the feelings and fix things. We're taught to talk about our feelings.

We are? I must have missed that class.

Sincerely,

Tasha

Fixer

[NotBadForAHuman]

Would it be offensive to you lovely ladies, if we request that you tell us off the bat to let us know that you just want us to listen and not answer?

I sometimes forget to do this, but thanks for the reminder. My incredibly awesome man is a "fixer" - it's in his nature. In fact he left systems administration to go back to running the shop at a car dealership because he finds both fixing cars and turning their underperforming service department around much more satisfying. Right now I'm really frustrated with my weight loss (or lack thereof) efforts and it's hard for him because I'm just venting, and he can't help but offer advice because he wants to help try to fix it even though it's probably something that will work itself out. I'll try to remember to preface stuff like that with, "I just need to vent."

On the other hand he dropped me off at work today and brought my car in to his dealership figure out where it's leaking oil, and patched it... and yesterday when the sink was clogged and the washing machine backed up into it because they share a drain, he snaked it through the access in the side yard... There's a lot to be said for mating a fixer!

[Hammlin]

For me communication and truth are what make or break things... truth even if he knows it may make me cry. Just because he doesn't tell me, doesn't make it not true.

[ETFnerd]

How a man acts while driving is a HUGE indicator for me. Road rage=red flag.

in a similar vein... i dislike people who can't be civil to people working at restaurants... why do they have to take out their frustration about meal preparation on the meal server...? these people are thoughtless and irrational...

having been bullied, bullies pi$$ me off...

[AKLulu]

in a similar vein... i dislike people who can't be civil to people working at restaurants... why do they have to take out their frustration about meal preparation on the meal server...? these people are thoughtless and irrational...

having been bullied, bullies pi$$ me off...

I'm with you on that one.

[Arashi]

in a similar vein... i dislike people who can't be civil to people working at restaurants... why do they have to take out their frustration about meal preparation on the meal server...? these people are thoughtless and irrational...

having been bullied, bullies pi$$ me off...

This disgusts me so much. And to stay true to the thread, it's a major turn-off. Guy may treat me like a princess, but if he's rude to everyone from the messenger to the waitress, for absolutely no reason? Bye-bye, don't call me.

[ZenGwen]

This disgusts me so much. And to stay true to the thread, it's a major turn-off. Guy may treat me like a princess, but if he's rude to everyone from the messenger to the waitress, for absolutely no reason? Bye-bye, don't call me.

It also bugs me when people play with telemarketers and Jehovah's Witnesses or other folks handing out religious material. I feel that I'm very much in the minority on that. But again, major turn-off.

[Leimanu]

in a similar vein... i dislike people who can't be civil to people working at restaurants... why do they have to take out their frustration about meal preparation on the meal server...? these people are thoughtless and irrational...

having been bullied, bullies pi$$ me off...

Seriously. Everyone's had a couple bad jobs, probably including waiting tables.

[AKLulu]

It also bugs me when people play with telemarketers and Jehovah's Witnesses or other folks handing out religious material. I feel that I'm very much in the minority on that. But again, major turn-off.

No, I agree. I hate just cutting them off and saying I'm not interested right away, so maybe I'm wasting their time, but usually I listen calmly and attentively to the initial spiel before I say I'm not interested. I have trouble being impolite.

[Arashi]

It also bugs me when people play with telemarketers and Jehovah's Witnesses or other folks handing out religious material. I feel that I'm very much in the minority on that. But again, major turn-off.

I try to be as polite as I can and say I'm not interested. If they insist and are annoying, I just end the call or walk away. My boss is pretty rude with those guys, and it upsets me a lot. Just say you're not interested, no need to humiliate a person who's already in a sucky job.

Do you guys have problems with those people offering store credit cards? I just say I already have the card, thank you, but more than once, I said no like three times and the guy grabbed my arm to insist again! Swear it took all my patience not to kick his shin.

[AKLulu]

I try to be as polite as I can and say I'm not interested. If they insist and are annoying, I just end the call or walk away. My boss is pretty rude with those guys, and it upsets me a lot. Just say you're not interested, no need to humiliate a person who's already in a sucky job.

Do you guys have problems with those people offering store credit cards? I just say I already have the card, thank you, but more than once, I said no like three times and the guy grabbed my arm to insist again! Swear it took all my patience not to kick his shin.

I've never had that much trouble with them. Usually they ask once, I say, "No thanks, I'm not interested," they briefly try to convince me, I say, "Naw, that's okay." and they leave me alone about it.