advice on combining finances with a significant other

[ebm1224]

my boyfriend and i moved in together almost a year ago and set up a joint bank account for shared expenses like rent and groceries. we each put in about the same amount each month. we've each kept our own separate accounts of course for things that are more individual expenses.

now that i'm done with school and my temp job is over, i am job hunting again and expecting to be employed in the next 1-2 weeks. my boyfriend really hates his job and we have discussed him leaving once i get situated so that he can find something he likes better. he's been looking some already but his job is such that it's difficult for him to sneak away for an interview and such during the day...especially on short notice. we're finding that most places expect you to come in for an interview with 1-2 days notice...and that just isn't possible given his current situation.

we've also started doing a small business on the side. it is strictly commisson-based and we haven't actually made any money yet...but any day now we should! we are currently only doing this part time but we are certainly not as productive with it as we could be if we had more time during the day.

so, we are considering him quitting his job and working on this side business full time...at least for now. there are also another couple positions he is interested in that would be solely commission based.

because of all this, we are considering switching to a system where we live off one salarly (likely mine) and use the other salary for savings and "extras." this would likely mean that one of us is technically contributing more than the other and things would be less equal.

curious if anyone has done something like this before. we aren't married and i've only really heard of married folks using this type of system...and usually it's when one is a stay-at-home parent. how did you arrange it? how did you still have money for individual things if one is making more than the other?

'preciate the advice!

[Librarian of Doom]

My husband and I didn't officially combine our finances, as in joint bank accounts, etc., until after we were married. What we're doing now is what we've done since we got married, and it actually works fairly well.

Basically we have the "general fund" which pays for things like rent, household expenses, things of general benefit to the household. When we were both working that was pulled from both salaries. When only one of us had income, it obviously just came from that income. We also each have a monthly "allowance" that is a set amount we both agreed on to be spent however we please. Video games, books, give it all to a panhandler, whatever. If we want something frivolous that costs more than that amount, we can "save" it for multiple months until we have enough. If we're not sure if something should come out of the general fund or our allowance, we talk about it together and come to a decision.

It's not perfectly equal, but it works for us. Obviously our situation is a bit different than yours because we've been married for almost 9 years and have had time to work out the kinks. My advice would be to find some system that works for you, but don't worry to much about it being equal. If you are both contributing what you can, even if those amounts are not numerically equal, is one of you slacking off? or are you both contributing to the best of your ability?

Just my two cents.

[msuroo]

Not to be the eternal pessimist, but if you aren't married, my advice is basically "don't do it". Not that I have anything against sharing finances - my wife and I make mildly disparate salaries, but it's all "our money". There has never once been a whisper because one of us makes more than the other. Also, I wouldn't let that stop you guys from pursuing the jobs/careers you really want. If you don't mind supporting him while he finds a better gig, then go for it! I guess I've seen too many scenarios like this though where couples split up and it turns messy. Finances are easy enough to combine if you get married, but much more difficult to separate if you don't.

[SimplyViki]

My ex and I (our reasons for being exes had nothing to do with this system ) had a pretty good system going for a while. I had a spreadsheet that would tell me what percentage of the household income each of us brought in each paycheck (his income fluctuated, mine did not), and bills would be split based on that percentage. We also had a joint account for the "together" finances, but maintained our own individual accounts separately. Doing the bills based on how much we each brought in ensured that we each had some spending money, and also made it fair.

[wildross]

No experience in doing this as bf/gf. But I would point out that job stability for at least one of you is probably a good thing :-). Do you have any "emergency fund" setup?

It really comes down to how you feel about supporting each other. Is that balanced? If you are going to support him while he gets settled, will he do the same for you? If he doesn't how are you going to deal with that? There is an awful lot of emotions/values/worth/personal image that gets tied up in, or expressed via money. It's definitely something to think and talk about thoroughly first.

Good luck.

(And glad to see you posting again. I was wondering where you were)

[HorrorGeek]

Obviously you know your relationship better than any of us, so it's really got to be something personal, rather than just logical.

However, from the logistics side - are you sure the business will bring in the extra money? Living paycheque to paycheque is rough. If he quits, and the business isn't as successful as you're hoping, is he in an industry were it would be tough to get a new job given the economy? How do you feel about it not being equal? If it's your salary that will be supporting the inequity, you have to really think hard about if that bothers you, or will bring any resentment to the relationship.

I lived with someone for 6 years and we never combined money - ever. We just split bills. Neither one of us wanted to. I have married friends who have completely separate finances too. And I've had friends who have had SO's living with them that sponged every last dime from them. Only you know if the trust is there to ensure he is not someone who would do that.

[TheOtherScott]

My wife and I have sort of half-assed it. One of our accounts we both have access to, but we didn't close any accounts because our student loans are done via automatic transfers, and they've made it difficult to change the transfers.

It was pretty easy to set up, though, so I'd imagine un-setting it up would be, too. We set it up after we got engaged so we could better deal with wedding costs and the like.

As much as it sucks to have to consider, if you do combine financial forces, it'd be wise to look into how to minimize the mess if you ever have to undo it. I've had a few friends who have had to deal with messy financial breakups and wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[cline]

We combined accounts in a galaxy far, far away when I was in grad school and essentially making almost no money. Is is and always will be the number 1 earner in the house. I don't work in a field that pays well. That being said, we were in our early 20's and just did one account. All our money went in there and it all came out from there. He never looked at it as his money or that he was carrying me. It was just how it was. 20 years later, we still share all our money. We talk about big purchases (even if it's just something I want). We've really managed really well and have never once, in more than 20 years, fought over money.

That being said, it works for us. I have friends who still maintain separate accounts. That works for them.

[Blueberries]

Not to be the eternal pessimist, but if you aren't married, my advice is basically "don't do it". Not that I have anything against sharing finances - my wife and I make mildly disparate salaries, but it's all "our money". There has never once been a whisper because one of us makes more than the other. Also, I wouldn't let that stop you guys from pursuing the jobs/careers you really want. If you don't mind supporting him while he finds a better gig, then go for it! I guess I've seen too many scenarios like this though where couples split up and it turns messy. Finances are easy enough to combine if you get married, but much more difficult to separate if you don't.

Honestly, my advice is the same as this. Our money has been entirely "our money" since the day we got married, but I just don't think I'd be comfortable with this system without being married. I guess the next logical question is, do you see marriage in the future of this relationship?

[joeyb]

I will say that it is hard to combine everything and it is hard to separate it, so only make a change if you are sure that it's the right thing to do. Once your money is combined, you have to work as a team with it; there can't be any grudges held over who contributes more.

My wife and I have all of our money in a single account and buying individual things has never been an issue. If either one of us wants or needs something that is expensive (>$50), we run it by the other to make sure that there aren't any major concerns about bills or whatnot. It's less like asking permission than it is just making sure that it doesn't get vetoed. If it's something that is 100% want and expensive, we just save it until Christmas or a birthday. My parents, on the other hand, have a joint account and individual accounts so that all the bills get paid and there can't be an argument over the what the other person buys. Basically, either way works, just make sure that you commit to the rules so that neither one of you can blame the other one if things don't work out as well as planned.

[ellystar]

After we got engaged, my fiance and I got a joint checking account. We had been living together for two years, and exchanging money every month and figuring out who paid what (he did the gas, electric, and cable/phone bills; I did rent and groceries), was becoming a pain. We figured out what our shared expenses were and then the amount we would have taken out of each pay check to cover them, and set up our direct deposits to put in that set amount. We each get paid every other week, and it's on opposite weeks which really helps because that means there's money coming in every week. Soon we're going to switch and have most of our paychecks sent to the joint account and an allowance sent to our personal accounts to cover paying personal debts and spending money.

[Oklibrarian]

We do seperate checking and are each responsible for seperate bills and budget "line items" (i.e. he gets the entertainment expenses, I buy the groceries). However, we have joint savings and make decisions re: investments and major expenditures as a team. It keeps the bookkeeping easier than transferring money back and forth to joint accounts every month. We're both similarly frugal (but not miserly), so there aren't any issues with one person accidentally overspending. He probably contributes a bit more to the expenses than I do, but he also makes about 30% more than I do. We've been married for 10 years and it works for us, but every couple is different.

[skeach101]

Been married for almost three years. We do NOT combine finances. We split certain bills, have an mortgage with both are names, and have a joint checking account in case we have checks addressed to us both, but that's it. We have separate bank accounts, separate investments, separate IRAs, and separate car payments. We will absolutely never change that system. I don't understand the people who combine everything. What do you do when you need to buy something descretely for your wife's birthday? Besides, I believe a certain degree of privacy is important to a relationship.

[bigm141414]

What do you do when you need to buy something descretely for your wife's birthday?

Cash withdraws from the ATM duh.

[msuroo]

Been married for almost three years. We do NOT combine finances. We split certain bills, have an mortgage with both are names, and have a joint checking account in case we have checks addressed to us both, but that's it. We have separate bank accounts, separate investments, separate IRAs, and separate car payments. We will absolutely never change that system. I don't understand the people who combine everything. What do you do when you need to buy something descretely for your wife's birthday? Besides, I believe a certain degree of privacy is important to a relationship.

Different strokes for different folks - I can't imagine not combining finances (when married, that is - see above for my thoughts beforehand). Shit, we have enough bills already without doubling them for the sake of privacy.

Question for you - does one of you make more than the other? I mean, if my wife and I maintained separate finances, but I tried to justify buying a new set of golf clubs because, well, I make more and it's my money - I'd find myself single again awfully fast.

[joeyb]

What do you do when you need to buy something descretely for your wife's birthday?

Take her to the coach outlet by my work and let her pick something out. It's the same thing that I'd do if we had separate accounts.

[Malnux]

I have to agree with msuroo here. I am in a serious dating relationship right now and any way I look at it. I can't imagine not combining finances once we're married (Yes, we're talking about marriage already but I haven't proposed yet). What's most likely going to happen is we set up a joint bank account and I handle the finances. We both would have a card/checks to the accounts, of course. We are married, we are one flesh. It's both of our money. We don't keep secrets from each other. Unless of course, it comes to buying their birthday present or something I also think that things would be a lot easier managing money that way. Then again, we don't live together, nor do I want to live with her until we're married. If having finances separate works for you, then keep going. Not all relationships are the same.

[HorrorGeek]

Take her to the coach outlet by my work and let her pick something out. It's the same thing that I'd do if we had separate accounts.

You, sir, are a good man.

[GreenEyesBright]

I'm kind of iffy on the quitting the job deal now. My advice... Have him keep working for a few months and set aside enough money to cover his share of the bills while he's job hunting. It will suck for a couple of months but that money will go a long ways towards you not feeling resentful when money gets tight (which it will).

I worked at a job I hated but paid well for a year to help cover expenses for the next year when I worked at a non-profit for a year at $800 a month. Because I saved so much, the money went a long ways to keep us from having a restricted budget. And I was able to pursue a job I wanted without stressing the ex out.

We each put money in a household fund for bills/food/savings. Then put money into our IRA. We also had a monthly allowance which we could spend on anything we wanted and didn't have to ask permission. Big purchases were bought out of allowances as well as gifts.

This went a long ways to keep us from fighting over money because we both were able to live well below our means and buy what we wanted.

Just my imput.

Sent from my MB860 using Tapatalk 2

[AuroraNorth]

Not to be the eternal pessimist, but if you aren't married, my advice is basically "don't do it". Not that I have anything against sharing finances - my wife and I make mildly disparate salaries, but it's all "our money". There has never once been a whisper because one of us makes more than the other. Also, I wouldn't let that stop you guys from pursuing the jobs/careers you really want. If you don't mind supporting him while he finds a better gig, then go for it! I guess I've seen too many scenarios like this though where couples split up and it turns messy. Finances are easy enough to combine if you get married, but much more difficult to separate if you don't.

I'm with you. I don't think I'd be comfortable sharing finances unless I was married.

[Woodsrider]

I'm with msuroo on this one. Almost everything has been combined for 15 years now and we don't have any money arguements. She still has a separate account that her paycheque goes into more for accounting purposes than anything else. It works for us.

Been married for almost three years. We do NOT combine finances. We split certain bills, have an mortgage with both are names, and have a joint checking account in case we have checks addressed to us both, but that's it. We have separate bank accounts, separate investments, separate IRAs, and separate car payments. We will absolutely never change that system. I don't understand the people who combine everything. What do you do when you need to buy something descretely for your wife's birthday? Besides, I believe a certain degree of privacy is important to a relationship.

I disagree with this. Everyone I know that treats finances like this has ended up in divorce. Marriage is not a handshake partnership where you need to keep a degree of privacy. Transparency leaves no doubts.

Also, if you're married, your investments/debts are not separate.

Just my opinion.

[Bean]

My two cents worth:

We have been married for close to 15 years now and have only ever had a single bank account. I would not do this if we were not married - partly because our laws in this country provide absolutely no protection to the other party - but it has never been a problem for us being married. All income goes into the same account as "what's mine is hers and what's her is hers too." In reality, today we are in the extremely fortunate position where we are reliant on a single income and my wife is able to pursue her lifelong calling as a volunteer. We haven't fought about money in memory - other than about how much she needs to support her volunteer work ...

However, one precaution. Make sure your partner knows everything that goes on with the account, what expenses etc. go through and how to operate the account. If something happens to you and your partner hasn't been involved with the finances, they will be stuffed. (Seen this happen on two occassions now of people close to me).

Presents - never much of a problem. Either cash from an ATM (bigm!) or pay on credit card if it is suitably anonymous.

It is all about trust and respect for one another.

[Artinum]

My partner and I have separate accounts, simply because it's less hassle than switching to a single account. He's the major earner, but we'd struggle on his income alone. All the household bills and the mortgage payments go out of his account, and I have a standing order set up that transfers a lump from my account to him at the start of each month. In essence, I'm paying him and he pays all the bills. It's much simpler than splitting bills up between us. Non-bank payments, such as groceries and cheques, tend to come out of my account.

In practical terms, as I hate spending money, I usually end up having quite a bit left over the month while he runs out. It is quite common for me to transfer cash for things like petrol and covering unexpected direct debits. I love online banking.

It's certainly a lot easier to buy presents in secret, or would be if we didn't tend to tell each other what we wanted. And sometimes it's even dafter than that - we technically didn't buy each other's rings for when we got hitched but our own, purely because it's much easier to get your own finger measured. We then gave our rings to each other to give back later on...

[JanObe]

I agree with the people talking about savings and emergency funds. You and your boyfriend should cut down your expenses right now and put as much towards savings as possible. Then you guys will have security and FEEL secure when he quits his job and looks for another. Set a deadline and goals and WRITE THEM DOWN. Review them all the time and see how you are doing.

It will reduce the strain on your relationship a lot if you have money saved up and goals/plans clearly laid out.