Bixby Posted October 5, 2020 Report Share Posted October 5, 2020 After years of therapy, journaling, 12-step groups, self-help books, ranting, raving, dieting, and buying fitness program after program, I'm ready to admit the truth: my binge eating, constant quitting, on-again-off-again diet and exercise cycles, guilt and shame spirals, my love-hate relationship with food, are all because I have a bad relationship with myself. I don't know who to talk to, and I am not good at asking for help, but what I decided to do is share my thoughts and feelings, here, under the protection of pseudo-anonymity (I had to look up spelling on both of those words). I figured I would share my thoughts and know that I'm putting myself out there for others to read. But the main thing is for me to just say (type) these things out loud to another human being. A little background on me: I'm a queer person of color, and I'm the child of an immigrant family. I grew up in a dysfunctional family with an alcoholic parent and not a lot of trust, boundaries, or positive reinforcement. We never ate meals at the table; we would fix a plate and take them back to our rooms and watch TV alone. I really struggled as a closeted person, and developed a sex addiction. I didn't struggle with food that much as a young person (that I was aware of) but I do remember that there was a lot of talk in my family about weight or criticizing others as "fat". Some family members were constantly making comments about how they should lose weight. One traumatic incident that still rings in my mind, is overhearing a screaming match between my parents where one yelled out "That child is OVERWEIGHT!!!!" I wasn't overweight back then, and I barely am now, but those words frantically bounce around the walls of my mind like a bird inside a house. My coming out didn't go over very well with my family. Things are MUCH better now, but it took a long time. My sex addiction and depression got out of hand and I was lucky to be introduced to 12-Step Program. I spent many years in Sex Addiction Recovery, and made a lot of progress. As I became sober with sex, I realized that my eating was a "secondary addiction" beneath the surface. It seemed like I was using sex to fulfill my low self-esteem, and since I couldn't use that anymore, the next closest thing available was food. After making progress and finding the strength to leave an emotionally abusive relationship, I lived alone for the first time and really doubled down on my recovery. I was doing well with both sex and food. I then met my wonderful partner and we moved in together. I moved out of the city where I walked and biked and moved to the suburbs where I now have a car and drive everywhere. I also realized the reason I kept down on binge eating when I lived alone: I didn't keep any food in the house. So, it wasn't that I had a healthy relationship with food or myself - I was exerting extreme amounts of control. Now I live in a situation where we have food (like healthy people) and I have not been able to handle it. In a way, I feel like this is huge progress for me. I feel like I'm finally diagnosing the REAL issue after chasing the symptoms for years. I just got a few books about compulsive overeating that focus on self-esteem and self-image, and just the introductions had me nodding my head rapidly in agreement. I know I've said this a million times before, but this time feels different. This is your reward if you read this far, thank you! 3 Quote Link to comment
Bixby Posted October 6, 2020 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2020 So, I feel like binge eating now. One thing that happened is that I had a phone call with a friend that was very energetic and animated, and then my partner went to bed during the call - so I kind of left a fun, exciting party to a quiet, empty house - 100 to 0 in a second. That might be a reason why I want to eat. Quote Link to comment
Bixby Posted October 6, 2020 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2020 Last night I said to myself "I'm not hungry, I'm lonely" I think this is a good start. 2 Quote Link to comment
Elastigirl Posted October 7, 2020 Report Share Posted October 7, 2020 3 hours ago, Bixby said: Last night I said to myself "I'm not hungry, I'm lonely" I think this is a good start. That is an awesome start! 1 Quote Wisdom 22.5 Dexterity 13 Charisma 15 Strength 21 Constitution-13 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind' Luke 10; 27 Link to comment
Bixby Posted October 7, 2020 Author Report Share Posted October 7, 2020 Exciting news! I posted this on Monday and I did not engage in late night eating on either Monday or Tuesday! Today is day 3! I got this great book called Fed Up! and it said "self-love is the most powerful weight loss tool that you possess" That really hit home. 2 Quote Link to comment
Edgedancer Posted October 7, 2020 Report Share Posted October 7, 2020 On 10/5/2020 at 5:36 PM, Bixby said: I know I've said this a million times before, but this time feels different. I don't think it really matters how many times you said it before. What matters is how you feel about it right now Or rather, this is about figuring out what works for you. So technically, the more failed attempts you had, the more knowledge you have about what is good for you and what is not, and the more likely you are to succeed! (not sure this sentence was grammatically correct, sorry) 2 Quote Current challenge "Failure is the mark of a life well lived." - Brandon Sanderson, Oathbringer. Link to comment
Bixby Posted October 8, 2020 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2020 I got a little stressed and depressed yesterday, and didn't have anyone to talk to about it - so I did some late night eating. I didn't beat myself up over it, so that was progress. Today is a new day! 1 Quote Link to comment
Bixby Posted October 9, 2020 Author Report Share Posted October 9, 2020 Reading this book Fed Up! is really helping me connect my self-shaming and my binge eating. I decided to stop punishing myself and said "I can eat whatever I want, as long as I'm hungry" and I didn't do any after dinner eating aside from a small handful of nuts. I'm cautiously optimistic because I've felt good and failed before, but this is the first time I'm sharing my thoughts with other people. Quote Link to comment
Bixby Posted October 11, 2020 Author Report Share Posted October 11, 2020 Ate some junk food last night, tried to have a calm, non-judgemental attitude about it. Woke up with a slight stomachache and almost wanted to go back to starving myself to compensate. Chose not to. Had a sensible breakfast, and did some housework. Trying not to worry or think about it all the time. Quote Link to comment
Bixby Posted October 14, 2020 Author Report Share Posted October 14, 2020 Monday was a success! no binge eating, no night eating. Tuesday looks pretty good so far! Quote Link to comment
Bixby Posted October 17, 2020 Author Report Share Posted October 17, 2020 Did some late night eating wed, thurs, and fri - but hey, the good news is that I'm not beating myself up PROGRESS Tuesday edit: Still hanging in there 1 Quote Link to comment
Renate Posted October 23, 2020 Report Share Posted October 23, 2020 Keep hanging in there. Remember that often we don't see progress in such deeply entangled habits of ours until we are much farther down the road. Trust the process! Quote Level ☆ human [uncategorizable] STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6 Link to comment
Bixby Posted October 25, 2020 Author Report Share Posted October 25, 2020 On 10/23/2020 at 12:48 PM, Aθena said: Keep hanging in there. Remember that often we don't see progress in such deeply entangled habits of ours until we are much farther down the road. Trust the process! Thank you so much! Last night I didn't do late night eating for the first time in a week. Feels great! 1 Quote Link to comment
Bixby Posted November 6, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 6, 2020 late night eating is coming back, my goal for the day is to not eat after dinner. Quote Link to comment
Bixby Posted November 11, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 11, 2020 didn't happen on Friday - trying again tonight. I finished dinner and I am going to try to make it through the night without eating. If I get hungry, I will attempt to do some journaling. Quote Link to comment
Blue Thunder Posted November 14, 2020 Report Share Posted November 14, 2020 I have the same problem. I hope you can beat the binge :) 1 Quote Battle Log Link to comment
Bixby Posted November 14, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 14, 2020 42 minutes ago, Blue Thunder said: I have the same problem. I hope you can beat the binge Hang in there! I have some exciting progress to report: today is day 4 of no late night binging! Quote Link to comment
Bixby Posted February 13, 2021 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2021 Still alive, still battling the binge! I have yet to string together 7 consecutive days of not binge-ing (I know that's not a word, but you know what I mean) Improvements: - got some friends to be accountability partners - talking and journaling and uncovering more of my negative thoughts about myself and food - slowly slowly slowly figuring out healthy eating choices and progressing towards "pre-cooked food assembly" on my way to "cooking" - moving away from frozen and fast foods - came back to update here, instead of giving up - found a calorie counting website that I liked better - actually counted calories on two binge days to see what was really happening (usually when I start a binge, I give up on counting. Recently I found out that my binges are about 1000 calories and move me from a normal 2,000 day to a 3,000) THE END ? Quote Link to comment
Bixby Posted May 18, 2021 Author Report Share Posted May 18, 2021 Still hanging in there. No real success yet, but my goal for today is to not eat any food after dinner, then report back tomorrow. That's all I'm going to worry about! Quote Link to comment
Bixby Posted May 26, 2021 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2021 I signed up for coaching and start tomorrow! Quote Link to comment
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