Sex + Fitness + Gamification of Weight Loss + SSRIs

[DoogieT]

I wrote a post on here a few weeks ago about a question about sex and weight loss. Here's the follow-up:

The woman that I'm interested in dating is going to go to school to be a nutritionist. We're both into each other, but she won't take the plunge into a relationship, so far as I can tell, because I'm still a bit heavy. So we've decided to gamify my weight loss. If I get down to 183, I get a kiss (no pecks on the cheek, either). I'm also 99% sure that if I hit said goal, the weight won't be the only thing to fall off.

I'm fully aware that externalizing my sense of self-worth is risky. But 183 is what I used to weigh in high school (roughly) and I'm at 198 now (after her help with food and the gym). I was at 206 to start. Oh, and I'm 6'0" (or 6'1") depending on my spine that day (I have scoliosis).

While I know that this isn't the best way to go about trying to lose weight, I'm actually doing it more for myself than for her. This is just a great form of motivation. I'm also going to be taking jiu-jitsu lessons (I used to take them years ago) and watching everything I eat like a hawk. It's like being on the biggest loser, only with a better finish line than smashing through a paper wall.

The only thing that I see being a bit of a problem is my anxiety disorder and my medications for it (prozac and seroquel). There's no woman in the world that would make me stop taking either of them because of the nervous breakdown that would quickly follow. I'm wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this.

Cheers,

DoogieT

[Moxie Hart]

I realize I may be the odd one out and hopefully I don't offend, but I find the fact she won't enter into a relationship with you because of your weight off putting. What happens if you put it back on later, will she leave? This is a huge red flag, coming from someone with experience in similar situations.

I mean I'm all for you having a goal and some positive motivation but.... I'd want someone who wanted me as I was, but was willing to support me and motivate me if I asked.

[thescrawnycaveman]

There has been a lot of research supporting the positive effects exercise has for anxiety disorders. You don't have to stop the medications, but if you ever decided to, just make sure you keep exercising and you should be ok (some studies show exercise is equally as effective as medication).

[DoogieT]

Oh, I'm aware of the red flag this raises. I agree that it's great for motivation (which is why I'm doing it), but there's also the possibility that I can never get to a weight that she wants and my efforts will be futile. But by following her suggestions so far I've lost eight pounds and put on a fair bit of muscle. I've actually never looked this good in my entire life, so why not, you know? (In high school I tried to be what everyone else wanted me to be and that was a quick trip to misery, but at least this time I'm self-aware).

Thanks for your concern. I'll keep NF posted as to what happens.

[DoogieT]

Yeah, I tried going off of the prozac two summers ago and had a complete and utter nervous breakdown. I spent the entire month on a hammock staring at the sky trying to get through it. Eventually I went back on it, so I don't know if it was withdrawal or just me not being on it for the first time in something like 16 years. When I told an interim doctor that I went off the medication (at the suggestion of my therapist) he just looked at me and said, "Why?"

Exercise and diet. Let's see how far I can take this...

[leadchipmunk]

Good luck with everything. I will have to agree with Kindle about the red flags, but I'm still rooting for you. Motivation is motivation, so whatever gets you in the best health of your life, right?

[betsywhim]

My own teenage son is also on seroquel and sertraline now - briefly tried going cold turkey on the sertraline when he thought he no longer needed it, and ended up having a major psychotic break as a result. What we all learned then is that the meds are serving a purpose right now - essentially retraining your brain to work/behave differently - just like you're now doing with your body.

Just as with diet & exercise, there are no quick fixes/easy answers. We now know that while there's a very good chance that he won't need the medications for the rest of his life, well - he definitely does for the foreseeable future, and probably at least for the next year or two.

And where he wasn't completely convinced that staying on his meds is the right answer before dropping the sertraline - well, he is now.

At the very least, I'd think you would want your prescribing psychiatrist actively involved in any efforts to move you away from the meds...

[betsywhim]

Oh, another thing. Seroquel is notorious for causing weight gain at first, especially for adolescent males. Prescribing doctors usually urge their patients to develop an exercise routine, and stay away from simple carbs as two accompanying activities.

In my own son's case, he put on 30 lbs over the 1st 3-4 months of being on seroquel. However, a year or so later, he's taken that weight back off & is now back to his pre-medication weight. He says it's all the walking he started doing, first as a canvasser for a part-time job and then just as a primary means of transportation for himself (he's also a college student who lives at home right now). (I think some of it's also due to the paleo cooking I'm doing the last year or so.)

[morethanjustamom]

My husband is 6'0", 180 lbs, and looking to get to 190, but trying to make it all muscle. He's also on meds for anxiety issues...Cymbalta.

All that to say, at 198 you're not very far from a healthy weight for your height, so I think that's doable in a reasonable time frame. My husband has found a clean diet and exercise so beneficial for his anxiety that I believe we're going to talk to his Dr. about stepping down his dose at his next checkup, so you may find it helps you tremendously as well.

As for the girl and the "condition" of you dating her...that's really your choice. I start nutrition school in the fall, but I really wouldn't give my husband the ultimatum of 'lose weight or get out', even if he was morbidly obese, but that's just me. To each his/her own!

[engineman312]

this doesn't seem like the start of a healthy relationship.

[DoogieT]

Yeah, I'm not sure what to think now. I really do want to lose the weight, though, so maybe this is what I need to get going...

[Knightwatch]

this doesn't seem like the start of a healthy relationship.

Couldn't agree more.

[DoogieT]

Haha, this is awesome. How many people think it's doomed from the beginning? How many think it has a chance? Can I get a show of hands?

[weirdquark]

When I was in high school my dad tried to motivate me to get in shape by saying that it would be easier to get a boyfriend if I lost some weight. I said I didn't want to date anyone who would be interested in me if I was ten pounds lighter who wouldn't be interested at my current weight, and there went what little motivation I had for improving my health.

I'm sad that he went about it that way because I was not, in fact, in great shape and if I had to do it over again I'd want to have taken better care of myself then because it would make things easier now. I don't know if being told that lifting weights was awesome would have done much -- I did lift some back then, but I did a machine circuit for 8-12 because that's what they showed me and I didn't know anything about free weights. Machine circuits are kind of boring, but I did like being able to add weight.

[leadchipmunk]

Haha, this is awesome. How many people think it's doomed from the beginning? How many think it has a chance? Can I get a show of hands?

That all depends on her. If you decided against losing the weight, would she still give you a chance? If your weight is the reason she won't date you, then I'm saying 90% likely to be doomed.If she is holding off as extra motivation, then there is a chance that it can work out.

[Ocelot]

Wow, that's an impressive amount of importance to place upon body-shape. I think it's ridiculous, but at the same time, by going ahead with the challenge at least you're showing her you're dedicated and motivated and hardworking... and it gives you an excuse to spend more time with her, too! I'd imagine as you get to know each other better, you will realise whether or not you're really good together. And hey, it's a win win because even if she ends up being as shallow as this makes her sound, or things generally just don't go to plan... at least you will be extra fit and healthy and ready for the next challenge.

[katscratch]

Here's my two cents. I agree with everyone that thinks her stance is not a healthy or loving one. At least from what you've told us. I personally am appalled that anyone considering herself your friend would say something like that, but as I've said I don't know her or you aside from your posts here, and maybe in the context of your friendship this is a compassionate challenge.

However, I know how near-impossible it can be to FIND motivation when you deal with anxiety or depression. I (lucky,lucky,luckily) have only dealt with anxiety/panic attacks/depression for a year -- last summer was hell, and it didn't matter how many times people said variations of Love Yourself First -- those words just don't make sense from INSIDE that spiral of negative self-thoughts. I actually can identify a lot with your story- the person that has spurred me most in the past year has also unintentionally said things that led to me being very self-conscious, which spurred me to prove them wrong, ha. That is still a small part of what keeps me on track but I've finally gotten to where it's also about ME.

For me, it took me wanting to get healthy physically and saying Screw It to the mental/emotional side of things -- and, not surprisingly, getting healthier physically has opened up all sorts of doors to feeling better overall - like people saying "find something you love to do, that makes you happy" had ZERO relevance to my life a year ago, and now I'm all HELLYEAHDEADLIFTS.

So for YOU maybe this IS the catalyst to be a better you. The tricky part is balancing this as a motivator to find what motivates you internally versus working your ass off to potentially be crushed when there are other excuses from her down the road as to why you shouldn't be together. And that's the rub - you're hearing this from all of us because we care about YOU, our fellow Rebel - not how big or small you are, not how many tonnes you can or can't lift above your head, not how many ice cream cones you do or don't eat -- but YOU.

You'll figure this out. It'll take time, and it'll probably come in bits and pieces, but that journey will lead to you knowing EXACTLY what you want for yourself and your life. In the meantime, go hard, make killer progress, and if you need a sounding board keep talking here!

Much Love,

kat

[oystergirl]

I would suggest first that you read the books hope and help for your nerves by Dr. Clare Weeks and More hope and help for your nerves and see if those two books help you with your anxiety. I had FULL BLOWN panic disorder and read these books and cured myself. I have recommended these books to literally 100 people and given them away as well and all have been cured with no medications. It is possible and there is hope for a life where you are in control.

Second, while its fun to get a kiss, any girl who is shallow enough to not want to be with you because of 10 odd pounds isn't really worth your time.

[Leimanu]

I always goof around with this quote from Baseketball when figuring out future plans: "First we get the jobs, then we get the khakhis, then we get the girls."

First you get the shit together (meaning findng a weight loss plan that works), then you lose weight, then the girls ask you out Some wonderful lady who's also on anti-anxienty stuff (like me!) so no worries about what a significant other would think of it

[GreenEyesBright]

Hate to say it but if she says 10 lbs is keeping her from dating you, she's not into you. Lose the weight but don't ask for the kiss. Trust me on this. Humiliation will follow if you do. That being said, congrats on the weight loss you've already achieved. =)

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[DoogieT]

Hm, these are all interesting comments. I'm definitely going to do the weight loss for myself because I'm tired of having women look past me when I know what a great guy I am. I'd be at the gym today but I've come down with a cold and so I'm not up for it right now. But I'm going to be talking to my trainer at the gym about deadlifts and squats tomorrow. I've never looked as good as I have without my shirt on as I do right now and I'm getting addicted to looking better. The hard part is getting the flab to come off.

I'm pretty sure she's into me (at least I hope she is) and I'm well aware that I could lose the weight only to have my heart broken at the end of it. But even if that were to happen it's a win-lose situation for me. I'd win 10 pounds of flab off my body and gain self-confidence, and she'd lose out on the wonderful guy I am.

[engineman312]

Hm, these are all interesting comments. I'm definitely going to do the weight loss for myself because I'm tired of having women look past me when I know what a great guy I am. I'd be at the gym today but I've come down with a cold and so I'm not up for it right now. But I'm going to be talking to my trainer at the gym about deadlifts and squats tomorrow. I've never looked as good as I have without my shirt on as I do right now and I'm getting addicted to looking better. The hard part is getting the flab to come off.

I'm pretty sure she's into me (at least I hope she is) and I'm well aware that I could lose the weight only to have my heart broken at the end of it. But even if that were to happen it's a win-lose situation for me. I'd win 10 pounds of flab off my body and gain self-confidence, and she'd lose out on the wonderful guy I am.

when you get super hot and this girl finally wants you, i hope you have the good sense to tell her that you can do better.

[DChristian]

That all depends on her. If you decided against losing the weight, would she still give you a chance? If your weight is the reason she won't date you, then I'm saying 90% likely to be doomed.If she is holding off as extra motivation, then there is a chance that it can work out.

I concur, doctor.

[GreenEyesBright]

For once I really hope I'm proven wrong. You can even do the "Told you so dance"! =)

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[Evicious]

I'm pretty sure she's into me (at least I hope she is) and I'm well aware that I could lose the weight only to have my heart broken at the end of it. But even if that were to happen it's a win-lose situation for me. I'd win 10 pounds of flab off my body and gain self-confidence, and she'd lose out on the wonderful guy I am.

Just an FYI, there have been scientific (woo, doesn't that sound like the be-all-to-end-all?) studies done on how attraction affects the perception of attraction in others. Long story short: males in particular perceive MUCH higher reciprocated attraction in females to whom they themselves are highly attracted to... regardless of whether the female of their affection actually did or did not feel any attraction towards them in return. Like I said, not the be-all-to-end-all, but do be aware!

That being said, engineman312 said it best:

when you get super hot and this girl finally wants you, i hope you have the good sense to tell her that you can do better.