I suck at ALL the things!

[Morrigainz]

Okay so I haven't been around in the last week or so. I fell off the wagon, badly. No paleo, lots of drinking, etc. And NO LIFTING. (Actually right now I can't lift because I have a very embarrassing [although temporary] condition in which it is a bad idea to, erm, strain, e.g. lift heavy things.) But it's ok. I will live. I love lifting enough that of course I will go back to it.

A couple of thoughts though:

1. I need to keep busy. I'm TOTALLY FREAKED OUT about what I'm going to do when school is done (December). Although sometimes I have mini breakdowns, in general when I'm working 30+ hours a week and going to school full time, I can keep up with my stuff better than when I'm less busy. I know it seems weird but I also know that other people experience the same thing. However, I have trouble self-motivating to stay busy. At first having a break from school was awesome, and I'm still enjoying things on the weekend, but now that I'm about halfway through, I find myself sitting on the couch, playing on the computer or reading every night after work...avoiding the things that need doing (laundry, dishes, yardwork, MNST!!!!, etc). I don't have any motivation to do the things I wanted to do: search for jobs, write in my travel blog, scrapbooking..... which sort of leads into:

2. HOW DO I BE NORMAL? I am sick of people thinking I am lazy because I don't function where normal people function. Depression sucks because even when I'm not feeling sad, it seems like I still can't do the things I want or need to do. I miss a lot of work. Thankfully my boss has been very understanding (I'm sure it helps that I do a good job when I'm here). I haven't told him about my depression, but I'm thinking about it because I don't want him to think I am lazy or flaky. Because I'm sure that's how I appear. How do I be normal? I know some people don't have any trouble getting up every day and making it to work, but I do. And it's not even a matter of waking up or anything...it's hard to explain. Does anyone have any advice on ways to motivate myself to go to work every day other than "just do it?"

I am feeling very frustrated with myself and my life right now. And like I said, I'm terrified of not being in school anymore, because at least that keeps me busy.

Sorry for the rant, but this is why I haven't been around in like a week

[Strawberry Squatcake]

Don't be too hard on yourself. No one has an easy/perfect go at it. I know when I struggle, I start to avoid coming here. So I'm sure we don't see how much everyone is struggling. I took an epic spiral on vacation (and the several days before and still struggling to get back at it) diet-wise. The more I get down on myself, the harder it is to recover. So don't dwell on what you haven't done, and pick one manageable thing to do today, and when you do it, build on that success. No one's perfect. Far from it. If it were easy, we wouldn't need this awesome supportive community!

I don't have advice on how to deal with the school gap, but what if you pick a few time-sensitive house projects? Or take on some extension learning on your own. Everyone needs down time, but making it more focused might work. I figured when I finished school, I'd have tons of free time, but really didn't. I filled it with social stuff, working out, cooking, and more around the house maintenance.

As for your boss... I hate over-sharing at work. I'm not sure the HR perspective on being open on depression. But, if you explain what you struggle with, and how you're more motivated/less overwhelmed, I bet he'd work with you. This might indirectly make it easier to get to work. What if you made a short list of things you want to get done the following day, and include things you enjoy and maybe that would help with making it easier to get there? My motivation to get to work s I have a good job, am my only income, and the economy/unemployment rate in my city is awful. That's definitely negative motivation, but that's what gets me there.

I also give myself something to look forward to. I have a flexible schedule, so I can arrive whenever I want, within reason. So giving myself something to look forward to doing when I get home gets me out of the house sooner. This probably doesn't apply in your case. But hopefully some of it helps.

[Strawberry Squatcake]

Also, I don't struggle with clinical depression, but when things suck and I feel down and start isolating myself, I find going for a walk outside, even at a slow pace really helps me. Is there anything like that that helps? If so, could you do that in the mornings before work?

[Rosie]

Great advice from Kelly there. I agree with the small daily goals you can work on in order to keep motivated and well all here at NF know that you've got to work on the small goals to make the big ones achievable. You could just say "today I will mow the lawn" or "today I will hoover the cobwebs from the corners" (Not saying your house if cobwebby but as an example!) and just work on the small things. I always find when I do a little bit of something it motivates me to do more but I hate having a massive difficult job to do so I find it easier to cut it down to small chunks.

As for telling your boss about your depression - thats totally your call and no-one can tell you whether you should or shouldn't, however I'll share with you an experience I had a few years ago when my dad passed away and some mornings I just didn't want to go to work knowing that in my job I tend to get people yelling on the phone at me and I just didnt want to face that. But because my boss knew what I was going through, I found it so much easier to call up and say I just didnt feel up to it today rather than trying to find an excuse or another reason not to go in and he was completely understanding. After a couple of months it got easier and I found I could deal with these people again but there were some days when I'd come into work, I'd get an irate caller and then have to go to the bathroom to have a little cry before I could go back to my desk. I'm not saying this should sway your own decision and it think it also depends on what sort of boss you have. Yours sounds very understanding but others could turn out to be less sensitive about your situation.

[Wicked Pixie]

Aww sweetheart! I completely understand about keeping track of life when there's a million things to do.

If you ever need to talk or a motivational kick in the arse- I'll pm you my number!

[morethanjustamom]

Are you seeing anyone about your depression? A therapist or doctor? Only you can decide if it's necessary/worth it to take something for it, but even if you don't, at the very least you need to be talking to someone (besides us and your husband) about this, you can make an informed decision.

[Bean]

Hey Mir

Sorry to hear about the struggles. Although I do not suffer from depression, I too find that when I am not super busy I tend to procrastinate ond nto do the things I should or want to do. I then look back and beat myself up about why I sat on the couch or played some arbitrary computer game for hours on end rather than getting stuff done. I then promise myself I will be better the next day and, when going to bed that night, look back and realise that I did the same again.

To try and combat this, and I promise I fail regularly, I schedule stuff I am going to do. The one area I have been very successful is getting to the gym - to the point that I may have become a little obsessive about it. I wake up early and drive my butt down to the gym before the family is even awake! Creating a firm routine like that has helped.

When you do get stuff done (e.g. laundry), you need to reward yourself in some way. Food is not a good idea ... but perhaps you can tell yourself that you will first do laundry and then you will sit down and read/play games etc.

Also, like Kelly said, find something else to study after you finish school. It doesn't even have to relate to your career plans, but should be something that interests you.

A further idea for motivation is to make a list of the things you need to do, stick it on the fridge and, every time you have done something put a big red line through that item on the list. Every time you go to the fridge and see the red lines it will perk you up. (I unashamedly poached this from a book on paying off debt where you list all your debt and then cross off each time you pay an item off.) It definitely works. The trick is not to take the list down but to keep adding red lines. Then you can see positive progress.

Personally, I think you are pretty normal. Everyone has to find something to motivate them to do stuff - it is probably much harder for you suffering from depression - but you are certainly not alone in not wanting to do stuff.

As far as the boss goes - I think it would be better to talk to him. It is so much easier to deal with someone if you understand them better. One of my staff is pregnant and suffering from the worst morning sickness I have ever heard of and if I did not know she was pregnant I would be far less understanding about the time she has taken off than I am by knowing. Bosses are supposed to keep things like this highly confidential and so, as long as you trust him, I would consider telling him.

And lastly - this forum is awesome. There are always caring people around to lend an eye (and some even an ear - see wickep pixie above) and try and keep you moving forward. Keep posting, keep ranting, keep talking. And in the immortal words of BigM - lift MOAR.

[ETFnerd]

hope you feel better...

[The Tin Man]

A lot of good stuff in these responses. I just want to quickly pop in and say that, while I don't deal with clinical depression, I too hit the point when I don't want to do anything. As an example last night I had another long day at work. I needed to do laundry, clean dirty dishes out of my room (gross), and wanted to work out. I did none of that. I just sat on the couch and watched the Celtics game while thinking about how I really needed to do those things.

[Morrigainz]

Are you seeing anyone about your depression? A therapist or doctor? Only you can decide if it's necessary/worth it to take something for it, but even if you don't, at the very least you need to be talking to someone (besides us and your husband) about this, you can make an informed decision.

I don't currently see anyone but I think I'd like to start again. I'm really into CBT and it's helped before. I am currently taking something but I prefer therapy to drugs...it's just hard with my school/work schedule.

Anyway...thanks all for the support It means a lot.

[LRB]

I, too, suffer from depression -- not completely debilitating depression, but can't-be-bothered depression. It's helped with meds, but sometimes NotSoMuch. My approach is to institute a system of rewards and punishments -- if I'm having trouble bothering to pay the bills, I get to call and friend and chat for 20 minutes after they're paid (or surf the web, or whatever). And, as an additional incentive, if I don't pay the bills by a particular time, I have to stop whatever I'm doing and do 10 burpees. And then ten more each half-hour until the bills are paid. Or something like that.

In all honesty, this approach works only about 50% of the time. The rest of the time, I just go ahead and web-surf (or call my friend) without first paying the bills, and then I decide that burpees are really kinda pointless and won't get the bills paid anyway, so I don't do them. But sometimes my (dis)incentives are effective. I don't know if the same thing would work for you, but it might be an idea worth trying.

Hang in there!

[morethanjustamom]

I, too, suffer from depression -- not completely debilitating depression, but can't-be-bothered depression. It's helped with meds, but sometimes NotSoMuch. My approach is to institute a system of rewards and punishments -- if I'm having trouble bothering to pay the bills, I get to call and friend and chat for 20 minutes after they're paid (or surf the web, or whatever). And, as an additional incentive, if I don't pay the bills by a particular time, I have to stop whatever I'm doing and do 10 burpees. And then ten more each half-hour until the bills are paid. Or something like that.

In all honesty, this approach works only about 50% of the time. The rest of the time, I just go ahead and web-surf (or call my friend) without first paying the bills, and then I decide that burpees are really kinda pointless and won't get the bills paid anyway, so I don't do them. But sometimes my (dis)incentives are effective. I don't know if the same thing would work for you, but it might be an idea worth trying.

Hang in there!

A solution I use for this is to automate everything I can. Bill paying, household routines, etc are as automated as possible, so they get done without me realizing it, and deciding whether or not I 'feel like' doing them.

My bills are mostly drafted, paychecks are direct deposited, household chores are set routines (it does take time and effort to put those in place though), etc. my current hurdle is work. Since I work from home I often let other things take priority, and then I'm scrambling to get my hours in at the end of the week. I need to set myself up for getting a routine of x number of hours done each day.

[Strawberry Squatcake]

I don't currently see anyone but I think I'd like to start again. I'm really into CBT and it's helped before. I am currently taking something but I prefer therapy to drugs...it's just hard with my school/work schedule.

Anyway...thanks all for the support It means a lot.

So, sounds like once school's done, you'll have time to make therapy a priority? I whole-heartedly feel every person can benefit from therapy. My insurance at work has made it hard to figure out what's covered and what's not. I know all I need to do is ASK HR, but there's something pretty personal about saying, "Hey, who can I talk to about my issues?" I know their job is to keep that confidential, but i've worked here long enough to know nothing's private. And I'm a very private person. You know, except on this public forum. Hmmmmm....

[Wicked Pixie]

Sweetness, I have another website that I think may help you in the "keep busy and on track with life" issues- It's kinda cheesy but it really works for me- it helps me keep moving when I just want to curl up and die....

It's called flylady.net and while I hate directing anyone away from NF, this site helped me thru an albeit temporary, but severely debilitating depression. It also helped me keep my life from falling apart when I was going thru my divorce. It's worth a quick look thru.

Lots more hugs honey!~

[Rivanariko]

I don't really have any advice, but I have depression as well, and have the same issue. Being productive while I was in school just worked, and I balanced EVERYTHING. And still had time for fun. Now that I'm not in school... it's a lot harder. Some people just do better in a highly structured environment and I have a hard time providing that for myself. I've tried rules, schedules, routines, lists, rewards, trying to get other people to keep me accountable... I'm working on getting my depression treated and I'm hoping that might make a difference.

So... you're not alone I guess? I'm not sure this post really had a point.

[PrincessHeather]

As for your boss... I hate over-sharing at work. I'm not sure the HR perspective on being open on depression. But, if you explain what you struggle with, and how you're more motivated/less overwhelmed, I bet he'd work with you. This might indirectly make it easier to get to work.

HR Perspective: I would only share with the boss what is necessary to obtain the changes you need in your schedule. Do you have an office HR representative? They are usually required to sign/notarize a confidnetiality agreement, so you can disclose to them your depression and they can assist you in using vacation/sick days when you need them due to your medical condition, even contacting any doctors etc.(if you are being treated for depression that is). All of that would be private, HR can help ensure that your boss complies. The law states that your work should make reasonable accomodations for people with any sort of "problem" (I don't mean to downplay how you are feeling, I know its legit...my point is that's more or less how it gets worded in policies) as long as you are capable of completing the minimum requirements of your job. For instance, if you are not at all able to function in the morning and would do better coming in later and get your work done, they should try to work with you on that. Also, does your job offer any sort of Employee Assistance Program? Generally, this is a free resource that you call for help on anything, whether its a few free coiunseling sessions in town, or just speaking with someone objective when you're feeling stressed or overwhelmed and need an ear. HR isn't uniform across companies, but the laws governing your privacy are pretty set, so if you have questions, I'd be glad to ferret out a semblance of an answer Feel better, you're too awesome to not feel awesome!

[Morrigainz]

I don't really have any advice, but I have depression as well, and have the same issue. Being productive while I was in school just worked, and I balanced EVERYTHING. And still had time for fun. Now that I'm not in school... it's a lot harder. Some people just do better in a highly structured environment and I have a hard time providing that for myself. I've tried rules, schedules, routines, lists, rewards, trying to get other people to keep me accountable... I'm working on getting my depression treated and I'm hoping that might make a difference.

So... you're not alone I guess? I'm not sure this post really had a point.

If you ever figure out a solution that works for you, let me know! I think getting back into therapy will help...after I'm done with school. I think I can make it that long.

Heather you make some great points. My boss seems really cool and understanding but I don't want to put him in an awkward position or one where he might tend to think "Maybe she's not such a great fit for this job" or whatever. I'm thinking about asking him if I can telecommute sometimes...because it's usually a matter of getting out of the house. I could do stuff at home...just can't quite make it that one step. Otherwise I will look into an assistance thing and see if I can find anything helpful.

[rtalencar]

I don't have a tremendous amount to add to this conversation as a lot more knowledgeable folks have chimed in on the matter. But to try to put a light hearted comment on a serious issue, Office Space has all the answers!

"Peter, most people don't like their jobs. But you go out there and find something that makes you happy"

/EndMediocreAttemptAtPepTalk

[Jaswandi]

Hey there,

I know exactly how you feel. I go through the same thing, although I don't know if I am clinically depressed - I don't think so. But I do struggle with a lot of these things myself. Just yesterday I was lamenting about how I procrastinate and do things just to avoid thinking about "things that need doing" as you put it...

I was also thinking about how to overcome this inertia, lethargy, apathy, whatever you call it.

I have noticed that I put off things until the very last minute, when my a$$ is on absolute fire, and then I get all sorts of panic attacks/anxiety attacks because the magnitude of the whole thing overwhelms me.

I was thinking of one of the possible remedies to this, and I suspect that it might be useful to you too: Make a to-do list

I know, I have attempted this several times before and 'fallen off the wagon', so to speak, after a few days. But I have remarkably higher enthusiasm and positivity when I have bullet-pointed my day and can strike off each as I go on. Just make it a routine, you can stick a post it on your bathroom mirror which will remind you every morning - "make today's to-do list". You can make it more compelling, add multiple notes - on your coffee machine, on your bedside table, on the backside of your bedroom door... everywhere you normally go in the morning, before starting your daily schedule.

I am going to try this myself, hopefully it will get some order in my life. Good luck to you. Whatever you do, keep us posted. And even if you don't feel like expressing yourself (I hear ya), force yourself to express. If not to anyone else personally, then on this forum. If not on the forum, then in a journal. It will REALLY help get clarity.

[Hrunter]

I don't currently see anyone but I think I'd like to start again. I'm really into CBT and it's helped before. I am currently taking something but I prefer therapy to drugs...it's just hard with my school/work schedule.

Anyway...thanks all for the support It means a lot.

I've had a lot of luck with CBT as well!

Depending on what is causing your depression (if its not purely chemical, say.) perhaps you may have luck with a DBT-skills-only group? (Once a week skills training, not the 4 month every day kind :3)

It uses a good portion of CBT, but there's additional skills to it as well. Really wish they taught something similar in schools, to be honest.

Another thing that helps me keep up CBT techniques between sessions is a copy of 'CBT for dummies'. I kinda use it like a quick reference/refresher when I'm down. Helps me find what distortions I'm putting things through, etc.

Another thing that has been suggested alot: when feeling down, do an activity that really nurtures of oneself.

A long warm shower. A favorite scent and flavour. Curling up and watching a favourite movie. Upbeat music. Sooth your senses :3

I don't know how schools work where you are - are you between semesters right now, or something of the like?

For keeping busy - if there are gaps right now that is - perhaps pick up something you'd enjoy, first?

Perhaps you have an interest or hobby you'd like to develop?

If the school element itself is what you're looking for, perhaps there are local classes for something you've always wanted to learn!

If its learning how to do something that benefits you, (say... a cooking course or joining a geocaching group!) all the better!

For work, I'll admit, I'm not one to speak too much on this. I have a lot of problems with the 'just do it' advice too, though possibly from a different circumstance.

My therapist keeps reminding me to find things to look forward to. If there is nothing, make something.

Still have to figure out how to get to point B.

Don't forget - you are normal! Not functioning at top notch can be hard on oneself - but you are functioning! Small steps all the time. Even if ye only wash 2-3 plates at once, that's a notch out of the task. If its in suite laundry, one step could be just bringing a basket of stuff over to the washer. Doing small steps of multiple things in tandem is still functioning!

I tear myself up over not having energy quite a bit. Getting out of bed is a huge deal, most days. But doing things in small steps like this... if I get that random burst of energy, its a matter of finishing a task, not starting something daunting. Its a different perspective at least.

I don't know if this helps or not, but I hope even part of it jives with ye <3

Take care, hang in there!

[Morrigainz]

I do love lists. Whenever I have a lot to do and I need to get organized, I'll make a list. Perhaps this will help with my overall lack of energy as well

They have a CBT for dummies? I might have to check that out.

I'd love to see if there's a DBT group or something around here...my mom's gone through step 1 a couple of times and it seems to have some really helpful stuff that I could use as well. Thanks for the reminder

Also thanks for the Office Space quote...I gotta figure out my thing

[morethanjustamom]

Sweetness, I have another website that I think may help you in the "keep busy and on track with life" issues- It's kinda cheesy but it really works for me- it helps me keep moving when I just want to curl up and die....

It's called flylady.net and while I hate directing anyone away from NF, this site helped me thru an albeit temporary, but severely debilitating depression. It also helped me keep my life from falling apart when I was going thru my divorce. It's worth a quick look thru.

Lots more hugs honey!~

I second Flylady, and she recovered from severe depression, so she has an awesome story! Her site is all about babysteps...15 min. at a time, shine the sink, put on your shoes, etc. She'll keep you sane.

[Wicked Pixie]

I second Flylady, and she recovered from severe depression, so she has an awesome story! Her site is all about babysteps...15 min. at a time, shine the sink, put on your shoes, etc. She'll keep you sane.

YES!!!

[unicornassassin]

Sorry you're struggling. Depression blows.

My boss seems really cool and understanding but I don't want to put him in an awkward position or one where he might tend to think "Maybe she's not such a great fit for this job" or whatever.

I guarantee you, you will not be the first employee that has talked to your boss/HR about your mental health issue.

[Eurydice]

I second (or fifth, or whatever) the to-do lists. Those are helpful for me. If there's too much on it it can be overwhelming, but it helps to be able to check things off. I'm not going to lie, sometimes that list contains things like "Get out of bed" and "Take a shower." But that's okay, because I get those things done and then I can cross them off, and when you're at that point every little bit helps.

The "just do it" advice works for me, but not in the way it was intended. My issue with getting things done is that I put off doing something, and then I stress about not doing it until instead of being a task I haven't yet accomplished it becomes a huge issue with ramifications for my worth as a human being. So instead of saying "Okay, I am now going to do this thing" and getting smacked in the face with the wall of attendant anxiety, I try to sneak up on it and do it while I'm busy thinking about something else. I take out the trash while I'm worrying about bills, or pay the bills while I'm fuming about something that happened at work, and ideally the task is done before I have a chance to start thinking about it and paralyze myself again. This is more effective than you might think, at least for me.