LGBTQA and Ally Safe Space

[Reluctant Amazon]

Down to 370 lbs.... Wow

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[Reluctant Amazon]

Also picked stuff up and put it down. Was unable to complete a set of five deadlifts at 135. I'm like superweak. The good part is I should have a good fat to muscle turnover.

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[SolitaryOrchid]

I'm very conflicted. My family situation is looking grim and every time there's something about transgender people in the news it looks worse. I'm starting to wonder if it might be better to hide my transition once I get on T. But the manner in which I would do that would mean compromising part of who I am.

 

If I take finasteride with T I won't grow a beard or body hair and if I don't get top surgery I think I can probably get by being a "woman" around my family. But I feel like I would be betraying myself if I did that. I'm not supposed to have these fat sacks and I'm supposed to have a beard. It's part of aligning my body with my true self. But what good is any of that if my family harasses me into suicide? A beard won't do me any good if I'm dead. I keep hoping things will change and it will be ok to come out but that's something I know will never happen and I feel so defeated. I feel like my only real option is to betray myself and hide who I am for all eternity.

[Jett]

That's really rough, Orchid. I haven't had to go through the coming-out experience yet (and even when I do, it will be as the spouse, not the person transitioning), so I'm sure there are others who can give better advice and empathy. Honestly, I'm dreading my family's reaction when they finally figure out why my spouse has been growing their hair out and seeing a psychologist, etc. (Or, when we're finally ready to come out to them... not sure which will happen first.) But, I at least feel that they won't be violent. Very hurt and disappointed and angry, yes, and that will be hard enough. At least I don't have to fear for my life, or my spouse's life.

 

The thing that seems most obvious, to me, from your description of your situation, is that moving away might be the best option. Not an easy option, adding financial strain and stress to an already stressful situation. But, it would give you the chance to escape from your family and have a lot of distance between you and them for when they find out. It seems like the third option that gives you a better chance to let things work out for the best.

 

Is there any reason you couldn't move away?

[zeroh13]

I feel like my only real option is to betray myself and hide who I am for all eternity.

 

It's not your only option. This may come across as harsh, but you do have the option of cutting your family out of your life. If it comes down to it, you may have to decide between transitioning (in the way that would make you happiest) and your family. But you do have a decision.

 

It's tragic, but that's what my wife had to do with her parents (I may of mentioned this before?).

 

They never even tried to understand. They just hid behind (their version) of God. And while they said that they love her, they would never accept her as a woman, and would pray for her (to come to her senses) because God said (according to her mother), before she was even born, that she would be a boy. To us, that is not love. They love the image of their child that they've created over the years, but they do not love her. The attitude that they have is toxic, and my wife told them that if they weren't going to try to learn to accept her, she wasn't going to keep that toxicity in her life. She has enough shit going on without that. Their response was to blame the internet.  We had just moved, so we never sent them the new address. And she changed her phone number (which was surprisingly easy). If they ever change their minds and genuinely want their daughter in their lives, they can talk to her cousin (who she came out to a couple years ago and who accepts and supports her).

 

It was a tough thing to do, but my wife is better off now without all of that weighing down on her.

[Ojuntapu]

I'm very conflicted. My family situation is looking grim and every time there's something about transgender people in the news it looks worse. I'm starting to wonder if it might be better to hide my transition once I get on T. But the manner in which I would do that would mean compromising part of who I am.

 

If I take finasteride with T I won't grow a beard or body hair and if I don't get top surgery I think I can probably get by being a "woman" around my family. But I feel like I would be betraying myself if I did that. I'm not supposed to have these fat sacks and I'm supposed to have a beard. It's part of aligning my body with my true self. But what good is any of that if my family harasses me into suicide? A beard won't do me any good if I'm dead. I keep hoping things will change and it will be ok to come out but that's something I know will never happen and I feel so defeated. I feel like my only real option is to betray myself and hide who I am for all eternity.

Stay strong, you can get through this. Hiding transition with finasteride will still put the T in your system but won't address the problems with your family for the long term. It sounds more like a short term solution to me, especially since you say you want a beard! For me, T feels like an anti-depressant and the effect kicked in within the first few days! I'm 5 months on T and don't have many external changes yet, but the internal changes have been very beneficial. It seems like most people get the most external changes, begin to be read as male (pass,) between 6-9 months. If you do go on T, most likely you will have around six months time to deal with your situation and get to a better/safer place, while still getting the benefits of T. If you need to go on finasteride, that may buy you some more time. It's certainly something to talk to your endocrinologist/doctor/psychologist about. Some trans*guys who aren't ready to go on T and do a full transition but need to get rid of the period to decrease dysphoria have started birth control (IUD, depo, progesterone - again talk to your doctor.)

 

I was thinking about transition for 4-5 years before I finally decided to go for it. I wasn't ready before. I even had a hysto (unrelated to transition) and had them leave the ovaries because I wasn't sure I was ready for T. Now I kinda wish I'd just gotten them out, but I respect the process that I had to go through to get here now.

 

I had to leave my birth family in order to take care of my mental health when I was around 26. That was due to abuse issues not related to being trans. But it was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do. My spouse and I moved to another state and I had all family contact go through my aunt and uncle for a number of years until I finally just stopped hoping that they'd get better. Yes, it hurt quite a lot to leave my family. I'm extremely loyal by nature and I believe in family. It hurts everyday, sometimes. But I know I did the right thing. One of the things I had to do was to be brutally honest with myself and to see exactly how messed up my family was before I could get out. I had to prefer seeing the cold, hard reality of how disfunctional my family was over the collective illusion of normalcy that was holding me back from actually getting better. One book that helped me quite a bit was Gavin DeBecker's The Gift of Fear. It's actually about risk analysis and self-defense, but it sure explained a lot to me and helped me trust my instincts for self-preservation and helped give me tools to understand when someone was 'interviewing' me prior to abuse, often using my good nature against me, and how to cut that short and stay safe. I had to learn to prefer truth over illusion; prefer being hated for who I was rather than loved for who I wasn't. I had to accept that everyone in the family thought I was the bad one, I was 'rocking the boat' and making things difficult for everyone just because I dared to tell the truth.

 

It's okay to tell your truth. To live your truth. That may mean that you have to cut some people out of your life and begin to make connections with people who accept you as you are.

[SolitaryOrchid]

Our finances are too rocky to move right now. We have no source of income and live fully off my husband's financial aid for school. We are a bit of a distance away but it's one of those distances that are far enough to be away but close enough to still drive to in a day. We've been kicking around the idea of moving to California for a while but until we're better off financially it's just not in the cards.

 

Cutting my family off carries a lot of risk for us as well. My father was very controlling when I went to college and decided himself that I would go to a private school which cost about $50k a year. This was ok with me at the time because he promised to pay for it. But when we got the loans we got them in my name and he has used that as a hook to control me many times, threatening to stop paying them if I don't do what he wants or sometimes just threatening not to for the hell of it. My husband and I cannot afford those loans and cutting my family out puts more financial burden on us than I can handle. It seems the safer option for us would be to pretend. As much as I wish I could just be myself I have to focus on staying safe. This situation sucks.

[Reluctant Amazon]

Defaulting on student loans is better than trapping your identity under a bully.

And student loan are easy to work out payment arrangements with.

Just my opinion.

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[SolitaryOrchid]

It's definitely something to consider. I wish the world were more accepting and people didn't have to go to such extremes just to be who we are. No one should have to choose between their family and being themself. The world is a cruel place sometimes.

[Jett]

That is definitely a difficult situation. At least it sounds like there will be some time between when you start T and when any external evidence starts to appear. It seems like if you and/or your husband can get a job during that time, you might be in a better place to escape before things get dangerous. Getting hired in a new place that you want to move to (California?) would be ideal, of course, because it would give you both the ability and the excuse to move away. If you do move, it definitely seems wise not to give your families the new address.

 

Since the loans are in YOUR name, you should be able to change the payment plans. If you use an income-based repayment plan, you can start "paying off" the loans at a rate of $0 per month, if you have no income. Eventually, if you never do get much of a job, the loans will be forgiven after a certain amount of time. (My spouse is doing the same thing. I think the time limit is 15 years, but it doesn't start counting down until you're on income-based repayment.) If you do get a job, then you'll have to do your income-based repayment (15% of income, if I remember correctly), which hurts a bit financially, but at least then it's on your own terms. It sucks to have a huge debt looming over you, but a ransom of $200,000 is not worth your life and identity!

 

Maybe you can tell your dad that you want to start handling your own finances, and that you feel strongly that you should be dealing with the debt on your own. If it would sound better to him coming from your husband rather than you, then so be it. Basically, you/he are going to "man up" and handle it. That sounds like an admirable, if foolish, adult decision. What it really does is free you from financial manipulation and emotional bullying that comes from him holding a debt over your heads.

 

Basically, you're in a tight spot, but that doesn't mean you should give up on your identity. Hang in there, Orchid! And talk through all of this with your husband, if you haven't already. Having your spouse thoroughly understanding where you're coming from and 100% on your side is a support that can't be overestimated!

[ColoQ]

I agree with JMitch.. and not just for the ending the "this is held over my head" reason.

I had a similar setup with some in laws on a car loan.. come to find out they every once in a while weren't paying.. even when we started giving them money to pay it. Even if your dad wasn't the type to hold this against you, perhaps you can find a different path. 

[Ojuntapu]

Our finances are too rocky to move right now.

Yeah, I hear that. I'm on disability and when my spouse was unemployed or a student we had two people living on SSDI and food stamps meant for one. Lots of rice and beans. Here's some back ground. I had a crisis during college, dropped out and worked in the trades for as long as I could. But when my tremor disorder got too bad I moved back in with parents. They said they would take care of me and help me get on me feet. What really happened was far different. I became homeless on and off for several years. For me that was preferable to knuckling under my father's emotional blackmail and being unsafe in my home situation. I had a ton of college debt, too, and I filed for hardship deferments. I had to get out. That was were I had to draw the line. I didn't want to apply for welfare/disability at first because I thought, 'that's what family is for. I should be able to be independent and not need welfare.' I thought I was just being proud. I was wrong, I was being naive. My family sucked and I didn't have the resources I needed finanacially, and wasn't emotionally or physically able to work. Get a social worker or talk to your county aid worker to see what aid you may qualify for; if you've had clinical depression, mental, physical or emotional disabilities, PTSD or something like that and can't work you may qualify for emergency food stamps and supplemental security insurance. If you are disabled you will probably need to take some tests and do an interview with their doctor to see if you are 'disabled enough.' It sucks. The whole process I went through gave me huge anxiety attacks. But it was better than being on the street homeless.The upside is my life is more stable and my medicare covers my T and my blood tests and visits to the endocrinologist. I'm independent and I'm getting what I need now. If you already have a job, then great! You can work out a payment plan with the loan companies.

 

You have to do what you have to do to stay safe. That might look different from what anyone else needs to do. I'm just sharing my story because when I was going through all that I didn't really know what my options were and I thought I had none. My heart to goes out to anyone who even has to think about issues like this.

[Ojuntapu]

Hang in there! It actually does get better.

[SolitaryOrchid]

Thanks for the support everyone. I'm working on disability right now. My first application was denied. When they sent me my denial letter they showed the records they used for determination and only two out of 7 of the places I have been treated actually sent in records. Trying to get all of this together for an appeal has sent me in a tail spin as most of the treatment centers are not getting back to me by phone and are a state away and not some place I can just drive to and pick them up. I'm hoping once I have all my records in they will determine differently but I know the denial rate is high and I might need to lawyer up. This whole thing gives me panic attacks. We need a source of income and really need this to go through. No telling if it will yet or how long it might take. But with just a little bit of income so much could change. We could get on food stamps and medicaid (currently uninsured and mental healthcare costs and arm and a leg). It would just take off so much stress. And then maybe I could do something about these damn student loans.

[Jett]

Ugh, anything involving bureaucracy can be so stressful. Just keep chipping away at it, until you get somewhere. Do you know anyone who lives near the treatment centers that could go badger them for the records for you?

 

And you should be able to get food stamps and/or medicaid separate from disability, right? You have no income except for student loans from your husband, so it shouldn't be too hard to show that you qualify. (At least, it wasn't that hard in the state I lived in where I applied some years ago.)

[Ojuntapu]

I got food stamps and county medical aid seperate from my disability. When I applied for foodstamps I got some that same day I applied because I qualified for emergency foodstamps (I had no money, no income and no home.) It was a good feeling to walk out the door and go get some food. But it can take a month or more for a regular food stamp review to go through, so food shelves may be your fall back while you're waiting. My medical assistance and normal foodstamps didn't kick in for several months, but they can back date that to the time that you applied, so your doctor visits can be covered retroactively. You don't need to be disabled to qualify for medical assistance, you just need to have a low enough income and you can often apply for both MA and EBT (food stamps) at the same time on the same form. It took about three months to get suplemental security insurance(SSI), sort of an emergency disability status and a cash payment and I was able to start paying rent on an appartment. It actually took about a year for the paperwork, medical reviews and so forth on the disability to go through and then I qualified for social security disability insurance (SSDI) and medicare.

 

County medical assistance covers some things. Medicare covers other things. It varies by county and by state. Applying for foodstamps makes you feel like a criminal being interogated. Able bodied people often have to sign up for a return to work program, so be sure and talk with your county aid worker and explain the situation to them and that you are applying for disability, too. The whole process is terribly confusing, with different agencies covering different areas. It's very high stakes for anyone who needs it and often those who need it most lack the ability to do the paperwork. You kinda need a college degree to fill out all those forms and of course there are the anxiety attacks from going through the whole process. If it was easy to fill out, you could probably manage a real job! But it's worth it in the end.

 

Good luck Orchid!

[Jett]

Wow, that whole thing sounds like a mess. But it does sound worth it.

 

Orchid, maybe your husband can help you get through some of the forms? As moral support, if nothing else...

[Reluctant Amazon]

*mildly insensitive remark removed*

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[SolitaryOrchid]

Ugh, anything involving bureaucracy can be so stressful. Just keep chipping away at it, until you get somewhere. Do you know anyone who lives near the treatment centers that could go badger them for the records for you?

 

And you should be able to get food stamps and/or medicaid separate from disability, right? You have no income except for student loans from your husband, so it shouldn't be too hard to show that you qualify. (At least, it wasn't that hard in the state I lived in where I applied some years ago.)

 

Unfortunately I don't have anyone in the area that could help. Even if I knew someone who could I'm not sure the treatment centers would be able to work with them due to Hippa regulations.

 

We've already tried to apply for welfare and were denied because we had no income. Which is completely ridiculous to me. My state is very red and has a ton of restrictions on welfare. One of the restrictions is that you have to have some sort of income at all to qualify for aid. Conservatives are too worried about people being lazy and getting a free ride and people who really need help have to suffer for it.

 

Applying for foodstamps makes you feel like a criminal being interogated. The whole process is terribly confusing, with different agencies covering different areas. It's very high stakes for anyone who needs it and often those who need it most lack the ability to do the paperwork. You kinda need a college degree to fill out all those forms and of course there are the anxiety attacks from going through the whole process. If it was easy to fill out, you could probably manage a real job! But it's worth it in the end.

 

Good luck Orchid!

 

This is so true. Filling out all that paperwork and going through the process was terrible and I was a complete wreck by the time I was done. And it was all fruitless because my state is stupid...ugh. I'm hoping that once we get (if we get) the disability taken care of that I can reapply since I'll have a source of income then.

[Platzhalter]

Seriously... how does welfare make sense if it is for those who already have something? While it's still morally wrong to me, telling someone who has at least some kind of income that they can't get welfare would be understandable, even if their income is ridiculously low. But telling someone who has nothing the same thing? What's wrong with some places in this world?

[SolitaryOrchid]

It's beyond ridiculous. My husband can't get it because there's a restriction on full time students and I have no income. Sounds exactly like people who need it to me. Who knows a college student who isn't dirt poor?

[Jett]

Yeah, that is bizarre. o_0 Do they not even have a provisional version that you can get as long as you're showing proof of attempting to get a job? (By showing that you've submitted resumes to places and/or are doing vocational training.) I mean, that's hardly ideal in your situation, but at least it might make a little sense in general...

 

Ugh. What is wrong with people?

[SolitaryOrchid]

Unfortunately not here. When I applied there was a list of things they gave me that they said I should qualify for but then once I finished putting in all the information a lot of it was, "Your state didn't expand Medicaid to cover this situation" and "In your state restrictions are placed on..." blah blah blah. Then we had the interview and got a letter basically telling us we don't qualify because this state is unbelievable. But hopefully disability will go through and we can solve the whole no income thing. My husband still wouldn't be able to get on food stamps because he's a full time student but hey, every little bit helps.

[Reluctant Amazon]

Well, yes, its amazing the states that have the most restrictions on welfare have the highest proportion of people in poverty. It's like they can't worry about improving their conditions cause they are too busy surviving

[Jett]

Unfortunately not here. When I applied there was a list of things they gave me that they said I should qualify for but then once I finished putting in all the information a lot of it was, "Your state didn't expand Medicaid to cover this situation" and "In your state restrictions are placed on..." blah blah blah. Then we had the interview and got a letter basically telling us we don't qualify because this state is unbelievable. But hopefully disability will go through and we can solve the whole no income thing. My husband still wouldn't be able to get on food stamps because he's a full time student but hey, every little bit helps.

Jesus, it's like a catch 22. You can't move to a state with better options because you don't have money (and it usually takes a year to gain "residency" in that state) and you can't get money because your state has shitty welfare options. Ugh, now I'm all pissed off...

 

Well, again, just keep chipping away at the disability qualifications. :/ If you can, get a caseworker to help you through the process. And even if nothing else works, your husband won't be a student forever!

 

Hang on, Orchid, things will eventually get better.