Body image and other social issues for men

[wildross]

To avoid forking the "Skinny Bitch" thread in the women's guild. (yep, busted lurker)...

Just some semi random thoughts on male body image and the social pressures we face as we lose weight/become fit

I've got 2 things that I find interesting that I get a lot from other men. The first one I'll call the 'Grip Reflex'. Many times, when I meet another guy, ,they will try to crush my hand. You know, go for the deep grip and squeeze hard. I find this particularly true with men who will admit to being former athletes. I've learned to spot it coming, since most guys cock their arm funny in order to get a better grip. One good squeeze back (just equal to theirs) usually seems to do the trick. I find this with all social classes, but (surprisingly) quite common at church on Sunday morning. (Note, I don't have bulging biceps or anything, just a big chest. Wife says I have Popeye arms, with my forearms realatively 'ripped')

The other thing I get a lot is the typical measuring contest. A little chat and they almost inevitably ask if I workout. Seldom ask what exercises I do. But then they launch into a recounting of what they can/have done in the last year. I've heard some really difficult to believe claims about how much various guys can lift. Course none of them have time now to do that, or they hurt something or.... Best opening line I've gotten from another guy "So what do you do when you aren't working out?"

The one I get from women the post is a pat on the bulge of the shoulder (not on my back or lower arm). Several years ago I had a woman who I worked with come up and pat me on the chest (almost like "is that real?"). That stopped when I asked if I could return the favor....

What have you guys experienced?

[leadchipmunk]

The one I get from women the post is a pat on the bulge of the shoulder (not on my back or lower arm). Several years ago I had a woman who I worked with come up and pat me on the chest (almost like "is that real?"). That stopped when I asked if I could return the favor....

Genius reaction.

I've seen the grip reflex, I don't look too strong, but there are some guys that just need to prove themselves over all others, so they try it on me. I've got a pretty good grip and usually match them and it puts that to a stop.

[Guest Snake McClain]

agreed on the "i'm going to act tough" handshake grip. so stupid. i just shake normal. firm but polite. no crushing bones needed to establish my place. lol.

So body issue stuff? maybe i misunderstood the name of this thread. personally when i was bulking up and lifting heavy and eating right i felt sort of chubby (even though i really wasnt) and now I feel sort of small (havent been eating right or enough at all and have lost 20lbs) and i feel really skinny now. it sort of is upsetting me. so there is my body image issue. used to be a super skinny dude. i am getting there again and hating it. i need to start eating any and everything again just to get back at it. i like being a big guy.

[TheSavageBean]

Even though my stomach is now fairly flat, I still feel like the fattest guy in the room whenever there's a time all guys have their shirts off. It's really off-putting for me, there's a little part of me that goes "Ya know what? Fuck it, fattie's gonna fat" and then wants to go eat donuts.

People are still surprised by a few things about me, my flexibility, the end application of my strength training (i.e. I can carry shit and won't bitch about it). My friend said my forearms had gotten huge but I always sabotage any positive feedback as "he's just being nice".

[Guest Snake McClain]

Even though my stomach is now fairly flat, I still feel like the fattest guy in the room whenever there's a time all guys have their shirts off. It's really off-putting for me, there's a little part of me that goes "Ya know what? Fuck it, fattie's gonna fat" and then wants to go eat donuts.

People are still surprised by a few things about me, my flexibility, the end application of my strength training (i.e. I can carry shit and won't bitch about it). My friend said my forearms had gotten huge but I always sabotage any positive feedback as "he's just being nice".

my feelings are this. are you big because you're strong and muslce is under there? because you know look at this dude http://filmjamblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/bronson1.jpg .... and then look at this one http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hjNcMEVQumA/T90dVSVlDCI/AAAAAAAAA40/m5MTtolKC7A/s1600/Brad-Pitt-Fight-Club-muscle.jpg

sure the second picture may be "sexy" (depending on what woman you ask) but the question I always ask myself is WHO WILL SURVIVE? Who will survive a fight to the death? Or stranded in the wilderness. that body fat serves a vital role in survival. and padding. ALso the ladies I know personally have told me that a guy with super low body fat isn't as attractive. because he looks "hard" like to the touch. does not look cuddly at all. sure he might look good on a surf board but who cares?

This is why i'm trying to gain back about 5% body fat that I've lost lately.

/runsToGoWorkOut

[andygates]

I *am* the fattest guy in the room, but I'm mostly cool about it. I've been in the crazy-obsessive weightloss camp, and it's as bad for my mind as it is good for my belly.

Mmm, donuts...

[Evicious]

my feelings are this. are you big because you're strong and muslce is under there? because you know look at this dude http://filmjamblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/bronson1.jpg .... and then look at this one http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hjNcMEVQumA/T90dVSVlDCI/AAAAAAAAA40/m5MTtolKC7A/s1600/Brad-Pitt-Fight-Club-muscle.jpg

sure the second picture may be "sexy" (depending on what woman you ask) but the question I always ask myself is WHO WILL SURVIVE? Who will survive a fight to the death? Or stranded in the wilderness. that body fat serves a vital role in survival. and padding. ALso the ladies I know personally have told me that a guy with super low body fat isn't as attractive. because he looks "hard" like to the touch. does not look cuddly at all. sure he might look good on a surf board but who cares?

This is why i'm trying to gain back about 5% body fat that I've lost lately.

/runsToGoWorkOut

From a female's perspective, I concur. At the beginning of our relationship, I couldn't lay comfortably with my head on my boyfriend's chest... or abs... or shoulders... or arms... or back... basically, there was no way that I could cuddle up to him without having to either add in a pillow or plain ol' spooning (which is not my definition of cuddling). He looked amazing, yes, but I definitely prefer him now that he's got a "coating" (my terminology) over the muscle. He still has a six pack and ridiculous muscle definition everywhere else, but now I can cuddle up to him and actually fall asleep like that. And YES, I still think he looks amazing. I probably drool over him more now than when he was Leonidas of Ft Polk! :-)

[Unda]

Tom Hardy *drool*

Uh, yeah. Back on conversation! I can see guys that do that gonna crush your hand thing, I even sometimes have guys that try to do that to me. I can't really relate with having to take my shirt off in public but I suppose bikini anxiety compares.

[Guest Snake McClain]

From a female's perspective, I concur. At the beginning of our relationship, I couldn't lay comfortably with my head on my boyfriend's chest... or abs... or shoulders... or arms... or back... basically, there was no way that I could cuddle up to him without having to either add in a pillow or plain ol' spooning (which is not my definition of cuddling). He looked amazing, yes, but I definitely prefer him now that he's got a "coating" (my terminology) over the muscle. He still has a six pack and ridiculous muscle definition everywhere else, but now I can cuddle up to him and actually fall asleep like that. And YES, I still think he looks amazing. I probably drool over him more now than when he was Leonidas of Ft Polk! :-)

i know the gal i'm seeing when we cuddle she sort of prefered me bigger....before i unintentionally lost the weight. the only thing she likes better now that since my arms are actually a bit smaller we can lay with my arm around behind her head. She has resorted to calling me cinder block because of this reason (which is so beyond ridiculous and silly). but it seems that even though i'm down 20lbs mostly body fat she still is into me. The thing is I THINK is there is a fine line between soft and muscly and strong and that brad pitt super hard look. I see no reason that anyone should feel insecure about how they look as long as they are healthy.

Tom Hardy *drool*

i have a crush on tom hardy. he is everything i aspire to be.

[chairohkey]

[TheSavageBean]

Oh I'm aware academically that for all intents and purposes of survival I don't want low BF%. I also know I'm perfectly capable of being attractive. But the thread title IS "Body image issues for dudes" and this one is mine. I just really hate my fat I guess. It's stupid to hate it, and something I never really wanted to confront or deal with because body fat protects vital organs and keeps me fed and rested while I'm starving. But I hate it and I hate myself for hating it because it's just how it looks that gets me. I feel embarassed when showing it to a new partner, I have to consciously think so I don't feel envy when people are skinnier than me.

The really ridiculous part is when there's a fat guy in the room shirtless and I find myself thinking, "I wish I could be that confident," or "at least his fat looks good."

[Waldo]

Huh, I don't really get the hand crushing thing. Then again most guys hands when palm to palm with mine only have fingers that come up to my last knuckle, my wife's fingers only go to my first knuckle. Perhaps my hands (and/or height) scares it off.

Now having seen all 3 sides of the coin, being lol skinny, obese, and in-shape and reasonably muscled, being lol skinny was by far the most uncomfortable from a body image POV. Being obese is more normal than lol skinny. Now that I'm neither LOL skinny or obese though I absolutely love going shirtless (and wearing non-baggy shirts).

Though I do find that mens clothes are by and large made for fat guys and skinny guys. Now that I'm where I am, I absolutely have to try clothes on since many/most fit totally wrong. When I was fat and when I was lol skinny, it didn't matter, I knew my size and it always fit fine, and I never/rarely tried on clothes. Nowadays though I have trouble due to my thigh to waist ratio and my chest to height ratio.

[ETFnerd]

when i tell people that i do karate, once in a while i'll get a guy that says he wants to fight me... i'll usually say ok as long as they bring their wife or girlfriend to watch... while looking them straight in the eye... when they see i'm not afraid to embarass them in front of their loved ones, they usually back off... men usually don't mind taking a beating... the prospect of taking a beating in front of a wife/gf is more unappealing... especially if you're an insecure douchebag...

[Maleficarum]

ive been fat all my life. i think the idea of a fat guy being able to control his BF% is incredibly empowering. I did actually feel "small" the other day, walking with two of my coworkers... who used to be smaller than me... but who are now at least 30 lbs heavier. I have no idea what it's going to be like in another 30 lbs. I dont think it's reasonable for my weight to go lower than that... (reasonable or even possible if i maintain my strength training). At some point, maybe by this winter, when i plan on implementing a "seasonal eating plan," im hoping to dip into the sub 10% range. Just a test, to see what i feel like, to see what it is like to be "that guy" with his shirt off. Ive lost 50 lbs, and i am still not happy with where i am, even if i am more fit than i was after the Army was done with me. To me this is a vanity / body image issue. But, i am not sure that it is actually a bad thing. Psychologically, it is important to constantly evolve (motives, emotions, methodologies, etc)... so maybe an evolving body image that may or may not be the mythological "ideal" is really about finding exactly what you are comfortable with. For some, this may be the Brad Pitt, for others Tom Hardy (but which one?), and others may not be happy without the body builder stage presence.

[azsf]

Wish people would stop with that brad pitt photo mocking his physique. And we wonder why we need to start these sort of threads, when even looking good is not good enough anymore.

[chasely]

I have a lot of body image problems. I don't like the way I look. I'm working on it. If I'm trying on clothes and I'm in front of the mirror I immediately look at the two things I don't like about my image first. I imagine this is fairly common.

To be more on topic. I think that there are many different ways to be physically attractive with different body types. The Brad Pitt/Ryan Reynolds/Ryan Gosling look will always be sexy because wide shoulders+six pack = attractive. It looks good, they look like they're in peak physical condition.

Then there's the physical condition of what I'll call "manly." You see this on guys who are usually older, late 30's at least usually (because that's when it's Hollywood acceptable?), aren't cut but look fit because they have a lot of muscle. Think Mike Rowe: http://angloam.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/dirtyjobs410alpacashearer02.jpg

or even Daniel Craig (okay he is very fit in this picture): http://swoonworthy.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/daniel-craig-shirtless-beach.jpg

They're strong but definitely not down to 6% body fat.

As someone with copious amounts of chest hair. I wish that sexy with chest hair was portrayed more in Hollywood.

[Kishi]

As someone with copious amounts of chest hair. I wish that sexy with chest hair was portrayed more in Hollywood.

THIS.

[chasely]

THIS.

Seriously. I can't wear anything that shows any skin below my neck because it's hair city. It's annoying to wear dress shirts/polos with an undershirt all the time.

[Atalan]

I think body issues for guys end up stemming from the type-casting of certain male body types and the fact that Sylvester Stallone and Tom Cruise both made careers for cameramen out of hiding the fact that they're both 5'7"

[Daverin2112]

I actually had my friend suggest that getting my body hair waxed would "make me feel better." Now, I overreacted in refusing (I am very prone to theatrics), but I don't think he realized that this societal "need" to remove the hair actually somewhat offends me. I am even willing to trim it and keep it under control, but all of it waxed? Err, no. It will NOT make me feel better, it makes me feel like I am being dishonest with my body.

And @ azsf: The thing is, that picture shouldn't be "looking good." It looks unhealthy, and like you have an impractically small degree of bodyfat. Heck, it looks like the guy has done some drugs or something (I actually have never seen Fight Club, so... yeah. I'm culturally, and especially cinematically, a cave man.) Meanwhile, that pic above of Bronson? Minus the whole looking like a crazy, angry pugilist, he still looks quite good, while not seeming like his whole life he has been deprieved of a decent meal yet somehow still having a bit of muscle mass to show.

Of course, that is my opinion on that look, so if it will make others feel better or think they look good, more power to them. But that picture, and what it makes so many people think is what we need to look like, is why this thread is made, not the mocking of it (which is more of an overreaction from a counterculture that refuses it.)

[leadchipmunk]

As someone with copious amounts of chest hair. I wish that sexy with chest hair was portrayed more in Hollywood.

Thirded

Seriously. I can't wear anything that shows any skin below my neck because it's hair city. It's annoying to wear dress shirts/polos with an undershirt all the time.

I'm not full on Italian chest rug, but I've got plenty of chest hair to share. I normally wear beaters or v-necks under my button ups that just show the top of my chest hair. I like the way it looks.

[Harness]

Thirded

I'm not full on Italian chest rug, but I've got plenty of chest hair to share. I normally wear beaters or v-necks under my button ups that just show the top of my chest hair. I like the way it looks.

Fourthed!

I have it all...chest hair, back hair, shoulder hair...I am a goddamned wookie for christ's sake! I can't even wear a t-shirt (not v-neck) and be free from the stray hairs making an appearance!

[Maleficarum]

i got over my fear of body hair in the 11th grade. Stupid culture. I said screw it... if i was going to look like a werewolf... then so be it.

[EmCee]

I have a lot of body image problems. I don't like the way I look. I'm working on it. If I'm trying on clothes and I'm in front of the mirror I immediately look at the two things I don't like about my image first. I imagine this is fairly common.

To be more on topic. I think that there are many different ways to be physically attractive with different body types. The Brad Pitt/Ryan Reynolds/Ryan Gosling look will always be sexy because wide shoulders+six pack = attractive. It looks good, they look like they're in peak physical condition.

Then there's the physical condition of what I'll call "manly." You see this on guys who are usually older, late 30's at least usually (because that's when it's Hollywood acceptable?), aren't cut but look fit because they have a lot of muscle. Think Mike Rowe: http://angloam.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/dirtyjobs410alpacashearer02.jpg

or even Daniel Craig (okay he is very fit in this picture): http://swoonworthy.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/daniel-craig-shirtless-beach.jpg

They're strong but definitely not down to 6% body fat.

As someone with copious amounts of chest hair. I wish that sexy with chest hair was portrayed more in Hollywood.

Just creeping to say MIKE ROWE *insert googly love eyes*

Additionally - chest hair? Thumbs up.

[Saoirse]

/lurking

you want to know what's awesome? this thread. keep up the pictures of muscly shirtless men. also awesome: body hair and a small amount of cuddly body fat on top of muscle definition.

I actually had my friend suggest that getting my body hair waxed would "make me feel better." Now, I overreacted in refusing (I am very prone to theatrics), but I don't think he realized that this societal "need" to remove the hair actually somewhat offends me. I am even willing to trim it and keep it under control, but all of it waxed? Err, no. It will NOT make me feel better, it makes me feel like I am being dishonest with my body.

that's how i feel about dying my hair.

anyway, honestly, i'm much more attracted to a man whose body is less than perfect but has a charming smile and engaging personality than i am a man whose body looks perfect. sorry, i know from experience it doesn't help to hear that.