The Future of Nerd Fitness

[Taylot]

 

Bust out the lightsabers and start celebrating like the Death Star just blew up.

 

After four years, nearly five hundred published posts, thousands of emails, and months of back-and-forth negotiations, my lifelong dream has finally come true.

 

It's been a long time coming, and although it's somewhat bittersweet, I couldn't be happier with how things turned out.

 

I'm excited to share this news with you today.

 

Deep breath.

 

Nerd Fitness has been acquired.

 

I'm sure you have a lot of questions, so I want to make sure I explain myself.

 

 

 

 

What does this mean for Nerd Fitness?

 

Late last week, I signed paperwork to merge Nerd Fitness with the Natural Life Food Company, a major player in the health and wellness industry.  

 

Like any other business deal, this will result in some changes now that Nerd Fitness is a new subsidiary of another company.

 

These are the major changes you can expect, but I think you'll agree they're not too bad:

 

 

1) Our revenue model will switch from original Nerd Fitness products, to advertisements.  You'll start to see ads from various fitness products and supplements from my parent company or its affiliates around the site (side bar, header, pop-ups, etc.).  Ads are the future of the online fitness industry, and we're glad to get in on the ground floor.

 

 

2) A focus group of people who hadn't seen Star Wars determined that "The Rebellion" was too confusing and controversial of a community name, potentially alienating those who feel threatened by alternative thinking.

 

 

Thus, instead of "Join the Rebellion!" we'll be urging people to "Join the Fun Fit Squad, or don't. Either way, you're great!"

 

 

3) Last but not least, the Nerd Fitness Community will now be sponsored by Teamocil*, one of Natural Food Life Company's most popular supplements.  You'll also be required to pay a 19.99 per month membership fee to view or post on the forums.

 

 

In my opinion, it's $19.99 well spent, as, your membership will include a free bottle of Teamocil*.

*(I'm required by law to mention that Teamocil may decrease your sex drive).

 

 

What about Nerd Fitness content?

 

This was probably the toughest part of the negotiation process.

 

After all, Nerd Fitness content has a very specific style and structure.  

 

I sat down with my new boss, Mr. Lumberg, for a few hours the other day to discuss our content moving forward.  Luckily, we were both in agreement that something needed to change to keep things fresh and current.

 

The biggest change: the really long articles that I write on Nerd Fitness take WAY too much time for busy people to read (and too many hours for me to write), so all future articles will have a cap of 399 words.  Skim and scan FTW!

 

Also, their market research shows that articles about nerdy topics like the Matrix and Assassin's Creed don't appeal to a wide enough demographic. We'll be phasing out this stuff for more list posts and tips on banishing belly fat with superfoods like acai.

 

 

What is Steve's new role in the company?

 

As part of my agreement, I need to relocate from Nashville TN to Natural Life Food Company's parent company headquarters in Scranton, PA.  You see, Natural Food Life Company is a division of Chemgrow, an Allyn-Crane Acquisition, and part of the Squimm Group.  Pretty standard in this industry.

 

I will have to go to an actual office now, but I'll have complete freedom to set my own hours, provided I arrive between 8:55 AM and 9:00 AM, leave between 5:05 PM and 5:10 PM, and take less than 30 minutes for lunch.

 

Five whole days for vacation though.  Holla!

 

My new role in the company is going to be ever changing, which excites me.  For the first few months, I'll continue writing this newly adjusted Nerd Fitness content, while a team of analysts tracks and records my writing.   This research team is currently hard at work developing an algorithm to automatically create future Nerd Fitness content; think of it sort of like a Nerd Fitness Mad-Lib!

 

It's actually quite brilliant, as their computers can literally fill in the blanks and create mass-market friendly Nerd Fitness content all day long:

 

 

[insert random Lego photo here]

 

 

I was inspired by [lovable 80's movie] and [heroic comic book character], who motivated me to try [healthy activity] and live life [positive adverb].  Watch this adorable video of a [non-threatening baby animal].  I'm currently learning [random skill] and [failing/succeeding] at it has taught me that [inspirational quote].

 

 

 

No more writing? What's next?

 

Once I'm phased out of the writing process, I'm going to be working closely with NLFC to create NF products available exclusively on QVC, starting in the Fall of 2013!

 

That's right, Natural Food Life Company and I will be developing a series of products and services that harness the power of the Nerd Fitness brand.  BOOM.

 

Here are a few of the products we're working on:

Nerd Fitness Energy Drinks - The healthy alternative to soda!

Low Fat Nerd Fitness Microwave Dinners- Move over Lean Cuisine!

The Nerd Fitness Rebel Ab Belt - It's like a utility belt, for your abs!

Nerd Fitness Protein Infused Vodka - We partnered with Ke$ha on this one, it's delicious!

Nerd Fitness C-THRU Yoga Pants - LuluLemon didn't take it far enough, in my opinion.

 

 

What's next?

 

Great question!

 

The answer is: I don't know yet, but the sky is the limit.

 

After my two years are up in Scranton, I'll take my $5,000 and my Delorean (the sale price for Nerd Fitness) and develop my REAL passion:

.

 

From the bottom of my heart, I want to say thank you.  

 

Without you (and your pageviews), this acquisition wouldn't have been possible.

to our press release with more information about the new company.

 

I'd love for you to leave a comment and let me know what Nerd Fitness products you'd like me to create this fall for our infomercials with QVC:

 

 

Tell me what it is, how it works, and what you think the marketing/advertising should be.

We'll pick two winners (one at random, the other being the "best" product/supplement/service), and hook them up with a free Nerd Fitness t-shirt!

 

...gonna have to get used to typing this:

 

For the Fun Fit Squad!

 

-Steve

 

PS: Happy April Fools' Day!

 

Yes, this is 100% a joke. Come on, you think I'd sell out like that?

 

PPS: I'm not kidding about the free t-shirts, please leave some awesome comments so I can give you free stuff.

 

PPPS: In case you missed the announcement on Thursday, we added a slew of new items to the Nerd Fitness Store: hats, sweatpants, and tank tops!

 

###

 

photo source: star wars,  lego office space, QVC, Future Road

[Thilde]

Thanks, Steve, for that shot of stress hormones and blood pressure spike.    never thought I'd be so enraged at someone saying we can't be a "Rebellion" anymore!!  Will say, it was kinda cool to see my reaction looking back, because that just goes to show how important NF has become in my life.  If anything like this really did happen to NF, it would be a hardcore grieving process for me, for reals! 

 

You got me, Steve!  Thank goodness it was just a prank. 

[Polargirl]

I was cursing through first half of that article until I clued in. Just found this site and would miss it a lot. With that 'other format' I'd be looking real fast for the delete membership button lol.

[AnnleaArtsy]

Thanks, Steve, for that shot of stress hormones and blood pressure spike.    never thought I'd be so enraged at someone saying we can't be a "Rebellion" anymore!!  Will say, it was kinda cool to see my reaction looking back, because that just goes to show how important NF has become in my life.  If anything like this really did happen to NF, it would be a hardcore grieving process for me, for reals! 

 

You got me, Steve!  Thank goodness it was just a prank. 

This! I was like WTF I don't want to be apart of THAT. Then I got to the part where we were going to be charged and knew it had to be a joke.

[mentalfloss]

Ho.  Ly.  Shit.  I read this first thing in the morning (2 April my time) and nearly bawled my eyes out!!  This site is one of the few things that motivates me and to see it gone (and in such a lame way) was hearbreaking!!

 

This has been the best April Fool's joke so far (normally I'm *fairly* cluey) ;D Good one Steve

[JonDixonYT]

I was thinking to myself, "$19.99?!?!?  Eff that!"  And then I saw "My new boss, Mr. Lumberg" and almost spit my morning coffee out.  Very nice slow play Steve.  

 

Ideas: A jersey (cycling or running, I think one for both would likely work?  Caveat: I'm not a runner.  But you know, that fabric that works to keep the sweat off you) in something high vis (yellow, red, green, pink, etc.) or with some reflective stuff on it.  Maybe even reflective NF logo? - safety first!

"Healthy" NF brand potato chips in the following flavours: Jolt Cola, Zesty Cheese Doritos, Zesty Cheese Dorito Dropped in Jolt Cola.

[Spinz Sfirikal]

You had me up until "Join the Fun Fit Squad, or don't. Either way, you're great!" Well played sir! This article actually nudged me into finally signing up for the rebellion, since Nerd Fitness has forever changed my view of exercise for the better Even though the chances of something like this is minimal, it encouraged me to add my voice and the love i have for NF and its community :]

[Choronodon]

Out of all the pranks I've seen / heard / read today, this has been the only one to make me cry "NNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!". I forgot it was April 1 reading this. Just for a minute. Just long enough to start panicking.

 

Well played Steve. Well played.

[Steve]

You had me up until "Join the Fun Fit Squad, or don't. Either way, you're great!" Well played sir! This article actually nudged me into finally signing up for the rebellion, since Nerd Fitness has forever changed my view of exercise for the better Even though the chances of something like this is minimal, it encouraged me to add my voice and the love i have for NF and its community :]

 

 

Oh good, that should help offset the people who angrily unsubscribed when they didn't realize it was a joke  OOOPS!

 

FOR THE REBELLION, ALWAYS!

 

-Steve

[stickswinger]

Nice one Steve. I'll be honest I fell for it. Well done great prank.

[ttuesday]

I am such a sucker for these jokes. I was so choked when I saw it, I definintely pulled a young Darth Vader ("NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"). Damn my gullibility!

[Relic]

I was reading the first part with a blank (bleak?) stare. Then I got to

2) A focus group of people who hadn't seen Star Wars determined that "The Rebellion" was too confusing and controversial of a community name, potentially alienating those who feel threatened by alternative thinking.

Thus, instead of "Join the Rebellion!" we'll be urging people to "Join the Fun Fit Squad, or don't. Either way, you're great!"

I clued in.

Then I couldn't even read for a full minute I was laughing so hard. I think my head turned purple.

*edit* I'm still laughing

*edit #2* I'm still laughing

[guest439437484421]

I am honestly amazed at the number of people that fell for it....  But I guess I've been jaded to April 1st for a long time....

[mentalfloss]

Also, $19.99 to join the Fun Fit Squad?!  Who the hell hasn't seen Star Wars?!

[jnicole]

I was legitimately upset by this article. Kept saying to myself while reading, "No way. This can't be real. Isn't this the total opposite of everything that Nerd Fitness is? What the heck happened?!"

 

Well played, Steve. Well played.

 

As to gear/products: I'm a swimmer, dancer and aspiring Druid...and need a bag to transport all the gear one carries from place to place in those activities. How about an NF branded gym bag?

 

Along the lines of ridiculous things to market to the nerdy masses:

Portable Bat Cave. Think: home gym, Batman style. A simulated trainer that can be turned on or off will walk the user through several forms of exercise and training - while also playing on the user's worst fears (read: large clouds of bats)...thus strengthening the body and steeling the mind of the user. Marketing: Commercial centers on a fat Bruce Wayne, gorging himself in front of the TV and wallowing in self-pity. He sees an ad for the Bat Cave (read: BatGym???) and orders one (he's got ridiculous amounts of money...he can own whatever he wants). Cue training montage - we see the BatGym arrive and his first, hesitant interactions with it. He grows to like it, and spends much of his time inside training (Batman bodyweight style at first, eventually progressing to combat training with the simulated martial arts lessons. Upon completion of the highest level of programmed training, a secret compartment in the wall opens, revealing a batsuit. (Cue Hans Zimmer outro). The end.

[Kiom]

Wait.  So there is no Ke$ha vodka???? 

[jnewbklyn]

Wow. I was almost in tears. It helped that I didn't read this until April 2nd. You really got me all the way until the end! That was pretty good. And pretty mean. And really smart- because now I am feeling so much gratitude for Nerd Fitness after thinking that it was gone!

 

[shiggles]

Sigh.  Due to the time difference this article was published on April 2nd according to my calender.

[Dak-Attack]

Got featured in an article... and not about losing weight or freeing cuba...

Mraaahhh... I'm going to go huddle up in a ball...