How do you deal with negative comments?

[Huntress]

So I was thinking this could apply in a 'level up your life' context as well as a fitness context... how do you deal with people who are negative about your aspirations and your achievements?

I mean the sort of person who is sympathetic when the going is bad... but when you start moving up in the world, they come out with side swipes, negative comments and subtle put downs. In Australia we call it "tall poppy syndrome", the idea is that the people who grow taller than the others are tall poppies who need to be cut down to the same size as everybody else - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tall_poppy_syndrome . In my mind these people are "neggers", people who will "neg" all your positives until you feel crap about things that are actually achievements.

I try to avoid people like this as much as possible but sometimes there's nothing that can be done about it. My roomate is a habitual offender - on days when I go to the gym, he'll make a "joke" about how I am a "health nut". On days like today, when I cook up a big paleo bacon dinner, I get a comment like "looks great... but I bet your arteries don't think so" even though he's eating Pizza Hut!

Can anyone else relate to this? How do you engage with people who make these kinds of comments?

[Brooke.]

Hey Huntress,

 

Canberrian, right? I can relate to what you're going through. I've just recently turned Vegetarian and am getting a serious amount of negativity. I summed up the courage to talk back to my friends, and since then I haven't had any negative comments. Have you tried talking to your room-mate? 

 

Also, how long has he been doing this? 

[Huntress]

Hey Brooke

 

Yeah I am indeed! Are you also from Canberry, or perhaps somewhere else in Oz?

Also, vegeterians seem to get it bad... some close friends of mine are vego and they definitely get a hard time for it. I've seen one person try to sneak pork stock into a vegetarian's dinner just 'for fun'. Another friend of mine is having a vegetarian wedding, and the groom's father almost boycotted! It's so stupid. I'm glad you were able to deal with it successfully by talking directly to your friends.

He's been doing it since I started living with him to be honest, about a year ago. He's generally pretty great to live with, except for this aspect. Usually I just sort of address it head on - I think a couple of times I have said something like "yes, I am doing X, and I like X, and you can't make me feel bad about it". Tonight I tried to put a positive spin on it - to "are your arteries happy?" I said something like "yes, my arteries are happy, because they're having a delicious meal". But I have never done what you are suggesting and actually talked to him about it as part of a bigger issue and more seriously. It's nice to know that you were able to do this and have good results with your friends.

[Huntress]

Wow, you are from Canberra! Awesome, didn't think there were too many of us...

[Brooke.]

Boycotted for a Vegetarian wedding? That's insane!

Maybe your flat-mate is just doing it because he's bored? I think you should do the addressing thing head on. I mean if he respects you, he'll respect how you feel too, and a year is just ridiculous. 

 

There's not, just the two of us I believe! Are you at university at all?

[Huntress]

I'm just going to send you a message privately so this doesn't get too off topic

[Irish Oisin]

Call him a fat fuck and laugh at him. He's just jealous.

 

If anyone tries to throw a negative comment at me I call them out on it, and it's even better if they try it in front of people and you put them down in front of people, so they mightn't try it again.

 

But if I hear about it third hand I just laugh it off, it's pathetic!!

[I-Jo]

"don't hate that I'm fabulous and eat well"

 

My roommate gives me a hard time too- but it's all good natured fun and he doesn't kid himself that he is some sort of pinnacle of health- he smokes 2 packs a day and up till last week was drinking a case of beer in 2 days.   But he gives me grief occasionally- but it's again- not nasty.

 

Most people don't give me shit because I walk the walk and I look the part.  Make your efforts show- and look amazing- strut your stuff and just let them know not everyone can be as fabulous as you are and that's that.  

 

water on a ducks back baby

[cline]

Your roomie sounds both like a good friend and someone who jokes when things are a bit insecure.  I would take his jokes as the kind of jokes roomies make - people who know each other well.  In that case - it's okay.  He's teasing like a brother or sister would.  Shoot back with "yup, health nut.  Whoo hoo!" or "yeah. my arteries are beggin for bacon.".  I don't think he's being nasty. 

 

Now sometimes people are nasty.  Intentionally or unintentionally.  If it's intentional, I sometimes say something. If it's unintentional, I try very hard to ignore it.  For example, one day my boss was talking about getting a trainer and I said I knew a great guy/place etc etc and she said "but I don't want to look like you" and really meant it.  Yeah, did it hurt.  Yeah.  Did she mean it to be nasty?  No.  It popped out and she didn't mean it exactly like it sounded and what she really meant were her goals and body ideal are different.  But honestly, I got what she meant. 

 

And to be very honest, when people say negative things I obsess, stew, over think, and self judge.  And then I come here and the folks here talk me down.  this is the best place whenever you are dealing with the negativity of others.

 

So - be awesome.  Be amazing.  Eat bacon.  Love your roomie. 

[guest439437484421]

BASH THEM IN THE FACE WITH KINDNESS AND UNDERSTANDING

[Balmung the Tyro]

Sorry to hear about that, Huntress. Where I'm from, we call people like that "a crab in a basket". Basically, if you put a bunch of crabs in a basket, the other crabs will pull down any crab that tries to escape. When someone is critical of my eating habits, I will do one of two things, depending on how well I know the person: 1) If I know them well (and most people I know well already eat like I do), I will enlighten them as to why I eat like I do, and it's usually end of story; 2) If I don't know them well, I just ignore it. I don't have time to deal with every idiot's crap, so I don't.

 

As for all the vegetarians getting crap for being vegetarian: SERVES YALL RIGHT!!! MEAT IS DELICIOUS!!....Ok, that was a joke. Meat really is delicious, but if yall don't want to eat it, more for me! I have friends who are vegatarian and full on vegan, and yes, I do give them crap about it, but it's widely understood that it's all in good fun, and goes both ways. When I cook for them, I cook vegetarian and/or vegan meals along with my standard food. They eat a certain way, and as long as they respect the way I eat, I will reciprocate.

[FyreFlies]

I ignore it (most of the time - unless I'm in a bitchy mood - which isn't often).

 

People have different reasons why they say ish. It's all THEM and not ME. If anything - I feel bad that they carry so much poison inside them.

[MariahSnow]

I used to be a vegetarian and one of the jokes that never seemed to get old with my friends was, "Oh, you don't eat meat? How does your boyfriend feel about that?" As if, somehow, my eating habits determine what I do behind closed doors with my partner. Oooookay? I just laughed it off, but lately it's really been getting under my skin. It's one thing to be like, "but meat is delicious! how could you not eat it!" It's another to discuss my sex life. Ok, rant over.

 

As for the negative comments. I get them ALL the time. And a lot of the time it's little benign things like, "you always bring healthy lunches to work!" But sometimes it does get nasty. I have one coworker in particular who is actually my supervisor and she LOVES to make comments. Once, I was eating celery and peanut butter and she said, "that's my husband's idea of a low-calorie snack". I just wanted to be like, "honey, it IS a low calorie snack with vegetables and good fat". It's certainly better than the crap snacks they put in the break room - nutrigrain bars, fig newtons, etc. 

 

Anyway, the best way I've found to deal with it is just ignore. Most people are looking for a response if they are truly being nasty. Other people are just commenting. Roommates especially are probably just poking fun. So just ignore it, or laugh and say, "yeah I'm such a health nut!" I'd strongly encourage you NOT to engage with them and comment on THEIR choices. It's like that Mark Twain quote, "Never argue with stupid people, they will bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience."

[MariahSnow]

Ok I literally just ate lunch and someone started with, "ugh, look at that, it's too healthy!"

[I-Jo]

lol I'd make a "your face" joke

 

 

like if someone said that to me- I'd be like- you know what's not to healthy??..... "your face"

 

or "yeah so what's it to you?"

 

I have ZERO issue calling people on that type of bullshit.   

 

I also have a fabulous ass... and I often reference it if someone gives me shit about my life choices- mostly like- you like this- right?  looks good eh?  

 

guess what that doesn't happen from good genes (or jeans) alone- takes hard work and dedication on a day to day basis.  SO yeah- get back to me when your butt looks as awesome as mine- then you can give me shit about what I eat. 

[andygates]

Dem Stoics. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enchiridion_of_Epictetus

[MariahSnow]

lol I'd make a "your face" joke

 

 

like if someone said that to me- I'd be like- you know what's not to healthy??..... "your face"

 

or "yeah so what's it to you?"

 

I have ZERO issue calling people on that type of bullshit.   

 

I also have a fabulous ass... and I often reference it if someone gives me shit about my life choices- mostly like- you like this- right?  looks good eh?  

 

guess what that doesn't happen from good genes (or jeans) alone- takes hard work and dedication on a day to day basis.  SO yeah- get back to me when your butt looks as awesome as mine- then you can give me shit about what I eat. 

 

I would LOVE to throw it back in their face. But unfortunately, these comments come from my supervisors at work. So I can't exactly be like, "your face is not too healthy" OR "see my fabulous ass?" 

[guest439437484421]

I would LOVE to throw it back in their face. But unfortunately, these comments come from my supervisors at work. So I can't exactly be like, "your face is not too healthy" OR "see my fabulous ass?" 

 

Tell flat out tell them that you rather don't appreciate the constant nagging that goes on.  Yeah, you get it, you eat healthy and they don't.  Move the EFF on.

[I-Jo]

If they open the door like that- it's fair game.  I think.  

 

My other go to is " and this is why I look the way I look- and you look the way you look"

 

it happens to be very effective- and snarky.  And gets the point across in about 0.005 seconds.

[MariahSnow]

They did just finish giving my coworker shit for smoking. 

 

I agree with y'all that I should say something, I just need to think about it more. I have a really bad tendency to go from 0 to 100% anger and that shocks a lot of people. I need to approach it with about 25% anger so I get my point across but I'm not blowing it out of proportion and burning bridges.

 

I just wish everyone could do what they want to do without judgement. If you want to smoke, smoke. If you want to eat a donut, eat a donut. If you want to eat healthy, eat healthy. If you want to walk around barefoot, walk around barefoot.

[Huntress]

Heaps of good stuff here! Thanks guys, I'm in the Southern Hemisphre, so I feel asleep and when I woke up there was all this good advice.

I like the idea of taking a stoical "water off a duck's back" approach to begin with and a more direct, possibly snarky approach if things get out of hand. With my roomate I think it'll be mostly ok, but there are always those negative people in life it's good to have strategies for dealing with gotta speak to one on Saturday, so I'll be thinking of this discussion then...

Ronin - "a crab in a basket" - I love it! I was getting a bit crabby myself over here

[notanartmajor]

Either say nothing or offer to help them improve if they are interested. No need to turn it into a back patting session over how insecure they are or aren't. Let your success speak for itself.

[Ananke86]

I think people make these comments because we make them feel bad especially when they have just eaten something they know is not really good for them. 

 

When I get comments on what I am eating I usually respond with "am I making you eat it?" if it's not being fed to them what right do other people have to say about what I choose to eat. Have the discussion publicly if its at work or with friends and they will soon get the message that they can't make YOU feel bad for something THEY should be eating themselves.

[This is Seth]

Take it as a compliment.

If your lifestyle choices have made such an impact on someone else's life, then you're obviously doing something that they wish to emulate. That's a great feeling. You've made such an impression that they felt the need to say something. Congrats!

[terrormortus]

I don't have to deal with comments like that too often. Most of the people I hang out with are either fairly healthy themselves or know they need to change and don't bug me about it. 

 

For everyone else I have two options I normally go with. If someone makes a comment about how I'm always eating healthy food I'll say "Oh yeah I just made..." basically act like I didn't understand they were being nasty and take the fun out of it for them. In some really bad cases I'm just been point blank with people and told them that if they keep that stuff up I'm going to start getting pissed.

 

Usually the first works though, thankfully.