Graduating soon and panicking, total loss of enthusiasm. Help.

[Grizzy]

Hey everyone,

I'm a senior in college. Assuming all my grades for my classes this semester are okay, I have one class to take over the summer and I'm done.

 

I'm freaking out. Anxiety-ridden, panic attack, fetal position scared. This year has been my worst in terms of academics, which previously I've always been good at, and when I look at the next few years and my choices, I just don't want to do any of it. I'm signed up for grad school in the Fall and research in the summer, which I was SO excited for a little while ago.

 

And now I have nothing but dread.

 

The last time I tried to write out a list for an Epic Quest, I had so many things on it that were good, adult things that would allow me to support myself and move forward with my life.

 

I wanted to be a professor of computer science, which is why I'm enrolled in grad school in the first place.

I truly wanted to learn things and get my Ph.D.

I wanted to write a book and try to get it published, or at least self-publish if that didn't pan out in a few years.

I wanted to get married and have kids and design and build my own house.

 

And now I don't want anything that requires any kind of long-term commitment to it. It's all travel and fitness and adventures and not being tied down, getting rid of all my stuff and just leaving for a while. It doesn't even have to be forever, I have just never had a break yet as a young adult where I had full freedom and wasn't stuck in one place or routine by some commitment or person: I've had inflexible, demanding jobs every summer since the summer before I went to college. And now my last chance for that I feel like is gone because I've gotten myself stuck here over the summer to finish college, and even more stuck with a full-time research assistant commitment.

 

What do I do? I don't know if I can just leave. I do need to finish my degree, or at least I should. I have savings that I've never had to touch for college thanks to scholarships, and it's just so tempting to take it out, book flights and hotels around the world, buy a Mac and start traveling while working on iPod apps that I've wanted to make forever.

 

And the stereotypical responsible side of my brain keeps saying that I'll lose my credibility, my degree that I've been working toward, my friends, my family's respect, and my seven-year relationship if I do.

 

I feel stuck and unable to decide what to do.

[jfreaksho]

Finish the degree, then take a year (or at least a few months) to do something fun.  Preferably in a foreign location.  Warm with beaches?  Mountains and skiing? Foreign language?  Teaching CS in a foreign country?

[Grizzy]

Finish the degree, then take a year (or at least a few months) to do something fun.  Preferably in a foreign location.  Warm with beaches?  Mountains and skiing? Foreign language?  Teaching CS in a foreign country?

I'm hoping I can work up the courage to do that. I'm wondering if I may be able to do study abroad as a part of my Ph.D. work, but I don't know if that actually happens ever. I'll also lose my scholarship if I defer my attendance, so that's a consideration I'll have to make.

[Barmacral]

Is there a week you can take right away to jump on a plane and go somewhere? A one week vacation somewhere might clear your mind a bit and help make decisions easier to make. Could even knock off an epic quest item in the process.

[Evicious]

I know exactly how you feel, Grizzy. One thing that helped me was 1. Promising myself that I would not fail to take all my epic adventures that I longed for, and 2. Making a point to take little adventures while I worked patiently towards the big ones.

 

Example: I want to visit Norway again, and drag my GA boyfriend with me. I can't do this any time soon, however, due to my job constraints. So I got a paperbag and when I was done hyperventilating over all the here-and-now-and-oh-my-god-I'm-going-to-die-the-most-boring-unfulfilled-human-being-that-ever-lived, I set up a budget to finance a future trip and started looking at adventures that were free (or very low-cost) and close to home. Interestingly, everything I end up doing in the meantime seems very much in support of my end goal, as well: hiking, canoeing, fishing, camping.... all very outdoorsy and, of course, all things I hope to do during my time in Norway.

 

I strongly encourage you to listen most carefully to your practical side at this point in your life, and before all the Californians start yelling at me about youthful spirit and free hearts and wild oats, I'll tell you why: Because adventures can either be survivable or they can be enjoyable. You can dig into your savings now and go half-cocked, rampaging across the world and I promise you that many memorable things are going to happen. I can also promise you that at least half of those memorable things aren't going to be pleasant - things like finding our your wallet's been nicked, or it's jellyfish season, or that one thing you just HAD to see is off-limits at the exact moment you happen to be the area for approximately 30 minutes. Yes, you're going to have good times - but you're going to come back poorer and have a lot of "Next time, I'll need to do X instead so Y doesn't EVER happen again!" You'll also find yourself worrying about the amount of money you're spending, or if you don't worry about it while you're out romping around, you'll dread looking at your bank account once you're home and your usual life resumes.

 

People have a tendency to equate planning and patience with "boring" and "uneventful"; there is no reason for it, other than that they have somehow managed to retain a child's mindset (ICECREAM MUST BE NOW OR IT WILL NEVER BE GOOD TO EAT AGAIN!!!!) Your instincts to listen to your practical side are spot-on, and you will come out much further ahead in the end if you listen to them. But that doesn't mean your next year or so has to be all work and no play. Learn to schedule your time, and make having fun a priority in your life. Making sure you stay on top of your finances and on-schedule for work and class assignments = knowing that you can be spontaneous with your time and fun-money, because you don't have to "check in" on anything before deciding to do something on the weekend.

 

Be smarter than your "now" desires, so you get what you really want in the end.

[Grizzy]

Barmacral- I might do that. I just have to figure out when my adviser will be gone. We can only take vacation when he does, and I also have to make sure that if I miss some days of class I don't miss a test or something.

Evicious- This is exactly what I needed to hear, I think. I can do mini-adventures. I have to remember that while it's good to love what you do for a living, that doesn't have to be all you live for. And also that "spontaneous" doesn't always mean "good experience." And I really need to keep brown paper bags in the house.

 

I've never been a spontaneous person, and I don't like surprises, lately I just feel like I'm in one of those rooms where the walls close in and you have to run in some direction or you're going to get smooshed, and I keep looking back and forth at the doorways at each end indecisively.

[Evicious]

Barmacral- I might do that. I just have to figure out when my adviser will be gone. We can only take vacation when he does, and I also have to make sure that if I miss some days of class I don't miss a test or something.

Evicious- This is exactly what I needed to hear, I think. I can do mini-adventures. I have to remember that while it's good to love what you do for a living, that doesn't have to be all you live for. And also that "spontaneous" doesn't always mean "good experience." And I really need to keep brown paper bags in the house.

 

I've never been a spontaneous person, and I don't like surprises, lately I just feel like I'm in one of those rooms where the walls close in and you have to run in some direction or you're going to get smooshed, and I keep looking back and forth at the doorways at each end indecisively.

 

I suggest you try this to get beyond the doors: Think of two vastly different adventures you'd like to have (for instance, go snorkeling in the Bahamas vs. going base-jumping in the Philipines), then look for two similar adventures you could do next weekend (ie, visit a nearby aquarium vs. rock climbing at your local YMCA). Weigh your pros and cons (cost vs. time spent getting to destination vs. length of time you can enjoy the activity), and pick one - then call and buy the tickets/reserve your slot. Immediately.

 

And the reason I'm suggesting you do this, when I'm fairly certain that the last portion of your post was referring to was a more generalized, overarching sense of indecision, is because the best way to get over anxiety about long-term scenarios is to take a bit to refocus on living in the here-and-now. Remember, your future isn't here yet; it's a destination in the distance, and there are lots of interesting bits along the way for you to enjoy. A focused journey doesn't have any less scenery, so practice looking out the window every so often while you go - just don't drive everywhere you look, eh?

[Wolfhorde]

Basically what Evicious said. Especially if you're not really 'the type' for it - I mean I'm not going to make presumptions on what's likely to or would be or would be going to happen on trip X. But if you're generally not someone who goes into that direction and hasn't really done some reasearch, slept on it and thought about it it's probably better if you just chill out for a minute, sit back and go looking for the closest as Evicious suggested.

Quite frankly, what you're having right now seems like some kind of "quarterlifecrisis" or something alike and in cases like these the suggestions above and what aligns more with who you are and who you want to be in the long run is probably a better idea.

 

I mean I get the feeling of being caged but I've had that for years and I hate staying in one place for too long, always have. I'm just gonna run a little scenario I experienced last year: Imagine you're flying to Rome with your history course and since it's school the commodations are 'decent', the beds are debatable and what they call 'bread' we call 'bricks'. Now think about 35°C in the shadow, if wind then incredibly warm and then you're walking hours upon hours through the Forum Romanum and whole days just exploring Rome. Often outside - not in the shadows. Despite the fact that you have your suncream with you and you might never get sunburn at home - congratulations - you now do. Add to that that if you want some proper food you'll walk an hour or more. If you're not willing to do so you're free to eat overpriced tourist food you'll even get better and cheaper at home. (plus you'll need to know where to get proper food which I only did because of research and personal recommendations of people who've regularly been there) Your room doesn't have an AC or anything of the like - only blinds. The nights are still pretty damn warm/hot so your room is barely cooling down.

 

Try to get into this scenario and then ask yourself how would you get out of it? How would you rate it? Would you have liked it? Quite frankly, I liked it. I know it didn't sound like it but I did - despite all of what I listed above. But that's what my view, the view of someone who doesn't have a problem jumping into things like this. The view of someone who has no problem blowing 500€ on a trip to Rome. The view of someone who can easily feel at home at a new place.

If you're not such a someone it might not be the fitting thing for you to do. 

 

And I might just be going out on a limb here but I presume you're from the U.S. - if so you can take advantage of that. I mean it might still cost you something but it's definitely cheaper driving (or going by train or even plane Idk the prices) in your own country than it will be going for a big trip overseas (which usually also needs proper preparation and planning) and I'd bet money on the fact that you'll be able to find interesting stuff even near you.

 

tl; dr - my expression of agreement with Evicious and trying to make a point with an analogy.

[I-Jo]

I'm all about living life and enjoying it to the fullest.

 

But I have found- with school especially after a defeat- it's hard to come back- it took me almost 3 more years to graduate after several crushing defeats- I should have stayed where I was and just regrouped and attacked on- my life would be vastly different had I done that I think. 

 

Take the time to plan the big trip- make little trips here- go rock climbing- or hiking- learn to ride a motorcycle- (although that's not that cheap persay- it doesn't have to be obscenely expensive either).  There is TONS of stuff to do around you in the city/outside the city!    

[Morrigainz]

FINISH THE DEGREE. JUST FINISH IT.

 

And then everything that everyone else said.

 

I just graduated with by BBA and I was thinking about jumping right into grad school. I am SO glad I didn't. It's been so nice to take time to myself and to work on my fitness and other goals, spend time with my husband, play video games, etc.

 

That being said, my plans for the future don't include teaching, so grad school is not strictly necessary.

 

It's no wonder you are feeling burned-out and overwhelmed. I think this sort of thing is very normal for a soon-to-be graduate. Stay calm, stay sane, and make some plans

[Grizzy]

Imagine you're flying to Rome with your history course and since it's school the commodations are 'decent', the beds are debatable and what they call 'bread' we call 'bricks'. Now think about 35°C in the shadow, if wind then incredibly warm and then you're walking hours upon hours through the Forum Romanum and whole days just exploring Rome. Often outside - not in the shadows. Despite the fact that you have your suncream with you and you might never get sunburn at home - congratulations - you now do. Add to that that if you want some proper food you'll walk an hour or more. If you're not willing to do so you're free to eat overpriced tourist food you'll even get better and cheaper at home. (plus you'll need to know where to get proper food which I only did because of research and personal recommendations of people who've regularly been there) Your room doesn't have an AC or anything of the like - only blinds. The nights are still pretty damn warm/hot so your room is barely cooling down.

 

Try to get into this scenario and then ask yourself how would you get out of it? How would you rate it? Would you have liked it?

You make a good point. That might not have been my cup of tea. I like comfortable and cushy. I like running around exploring and then having a nice climate-controlled safe place to come back to. But I guess at my age, I feel like I shouldn't be that way. One of my friends went to Greece one summer and Rwanda & nearby areas the next, and hearing her stories I just felt totally inadequate for feeling like I could never tolerate the heat, the lack of amenities, the lack of sleep, and the constant threat of being kidnapped. She's such a real-life adventurer and I'm... not.

 

learn to ride a motorcycle

I want to... but I'm a little bit scared to do so. Then, that does seem to be a theme with me.

 

FINISH THE DEGREE. JUST FINISH IT.

 

And then everything that everyone else said.

 

I just graduated with by BBA and I was thinking about jumping right into grad school. I am SO glad I didn't. It's been so nice to take time to myself and to work on my fitness and other goals, spend time with my husband, play video games, etc.

I wish I felt like I could do that. I think I would be a lot less panicky if I got even a week of down time. But nope, final project due May 10, Graduation May 11th, Graduation party May 12, Research starts May 13th. AAAAAH WHY DID I DECIDE A JOB WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA oh right because bills...

[Ancalagon The Black]

Grad school can be complementary to your plans. I am a graduate student in a similar discipline myself. I have an epic quest too. I work towards all of them patiently. I have achieved a few in the last couple of years and I look forward to achieving more.

 

Grad school does not mean that you are your adviser's indentured servant. Just plan things out, save a few bucks and work towards the big ones while achieving your small ones.

 

For instance, one of the things I want to do is to be really good at the modern pentathlon (I love the background story behind it). To achieve greatness at it, I enrolled in a classical fencing course here (free for graduate students) and bought the Zombies Run 5K training app. My short term goal is to finish the series of fencing courses that we have here and the Zombies Run 5K trainer at < 30 minutes. The bigger plan is to integrate these with and learn shooting, horse riding, swimming and enroll (and win) modern pentathlon competitions.

[cline]

I've been to grad school.  I can tell you this:  any apprehension now about wanting time off is something you should listen to. 

 

Grad school is not wine and roses and honestly, it's filled with a lot of miserable people.  If you have even one iota of "maybe I should put this off" even for just a few months kind of thinking - listen to yourself.  You are wise about you.

 

Finish your degree.  Take time off.  It's okay to work for a while.  I actually recommend it.  WAY too many people go to grad school a) b/c that's all they know and it's safe after college (it's familiar) and/or because they think they need to for a job (and most are incorrect) and/or c) b/c they really think they want to be professors (and a professor's life kinda sucks pretty bad for a long time - I did that too). 

 

Take time away from school.  Work.  Work in a meaningful job or in a "job for now".  Do a job that will allow you to make ends meet and live life independently outside of school.  Enjoy the rythms of day to day life without studying and exams.  After 6 mos to a year, reassess.  If your gut says "omg I want to learn all the things and study 24 hrs/day" then go to school.  If your gut says "study?  blah...." then don't. 

 

You will find your way if you listen to yourself.  It's important to find YOUR way.  That's the way that right for you RIGHT NOW. 

 

BTW, your adventures could be right in your own town/city or here in the US.  Work a night job.  Bartend.  Volunteer.  Be awesome. 

[I-Jo]

motorcycle safety foundation = msf

Google. it's 25$ in pa... but it's 295$ in New Jersey. it varies by state. you could literally learn the basics for less than one meal worth of money. takes one weekend and requires no commitment or gear.... their bikes their helmets ( they lysol)... don't need to buy a binge first or anything :-) try it out see if you like it!

[marionette]

 it's 25$ in pa... but it's 295$ in New Jersey. it varies by state. 

 

Actually, in PA its free. The permit is only $10.

 

No need to be scared of riding a bike, and it really is a low commitment thing if you just want to take the course to check it off on the "did that, didn't like it" list of things to do.

 

It is scary whenever you come to a transition. Things are going to change and be different. Sometimes it takes a little while to get your head on straight, but this is key, give yourself that time. Spend a summer doing a completely self indulgent job that you would never consider for a career, or spend it bopping around the country (on your shiny new motorcycle of course) and you will end up refreshed.

 

Your mind is a muscle, it needs rest days too.

[MasterOfCows]

I did graduate studies right after my undergrad degree (spending the summer as a research assistant in the same lab).  It really helped me figure out what I wanted to do, and what things I liked and didn't like.  I was super burnt out after finishing my Master's.  So I got a job.  I always thought about going back and getting my Ph.D., and still do sometimes, but it's not likely to happen now.  I've got a new, different job that's exactly where I want to be right now, and I can't imagine going back to school, except for maybe sleeping in!

I am the type of person that couldn't put off further schooling (i.e. take a year off) because I wouldn't have gone back.  I'm jealous of those who can take that time, and then pick up where they left off.  Regardless, if the professorship is the ultimate end goal, FINISH this degree.  You can always go back if you have the drive to do so.  It's also okay to be scared about the future.  It's normal.  The night before I started this current job, I was bawling and panicking, thinking that I wouldn't be good enough, smart enough, that I would fail.  I haven't.  And you won't either.

[I-Jo]

Actually, in PA its free. The permit is only $10.

 

No need to be scared of riding a bike, and it really is a low commitment thing if you just want to take the course to check it off on the "did that, didn't like it" list of things to do.

 

It is scary whenever you come to a transition. Things are going to change and be different. Sometimes it takes a little while to get your head on straight, but this is key, give yourself that time. Spend a summer doing a completely self indulgent job that you would never consider for a career, or spend it bopping around the country (on your shiny new motorcycle of course) and you will end up refreshed.

 

Your mind is a muscle, it needs rest days too.

okay- thanks- i couldn't remember if there was a small fee- I thought it was free- but I remember there being some money somewhere. damn commy bastards in jersey- literally 295$ it's insane- but yes low commitment  best thing to do if you have any interest at all- good low key way to get started. 

 

I agree with the rest of your post as well.

 

Brain needs a break too!!!

[marionette]

 

I agree with the rest of your post as well.

 

 

Of course you do, we think scarily alike it seems.