Internet Dating

[Damaramu]

I feel like a veteran of online dating, although I haven't done it in almost a year.

I used Plentyoffish and OKCupid.

 

My main problem was also the abundance of choices. I had just gotten divorced so wasn't ready to tie myself down, I just wanted to have fun. So I got to go on a lot of dates, but never really settled down. I'm more open to settling down now and I think back to some of the girls I just "dated" and think they could've been potentially great girlfriends, but I just wasn't ready. Wrong time and place I guess.

 

And yeah it sucks to send a message to someone you're really interested in and they not respond, but that's just the way the model works.

 

Also I was always pretty up front with the girls that I wasn't looking for anything serious. Unfortunately a lot of them heard what they wanted to hear or thought they could change me and make me fall for just them. I was pretty serious about sticking to my conviction to not get serious so soon after a failed marriage and there was a lot of hurt feelings from the girls that thought they could change that.

And yeah a lot of times you'd go on a few good dates, think you had something and then they lost interest and just quit talking to you. I figure it was because they wanted to avoid confrontation, but if I wasn't interested in someone I let them know. I'm more outgoing and less afraid of conflict though.

 

I have a friend though that's an absolute walking hard-on. He uses the dating websites to hook up with girls. If they don't give it up on the first date or don't want to like hang out immediately he gets pretty angry and tells them off in a text message. Somehow though he still gets a lot of dates despite being overly aggressive and really pushy.

[MissMormie]

I've never used a dating site for dating but all my past relations have been with people I knew from the online world. A few from IRC chat rooms, and a few from online games. And my current bf i overlooked for years online and in person until ten years ago we just clicked.

I have however used dating sites to study the technology behind it. And from that the best I've found is PaiQ (partner IQ). Not necessarily because their matching system is much better but because you do not get to see their picture until you've talked to them for a certain period of time. So you don't choose and pick. You get matched with a few people that might really click but other than that you can instantly chat with someone that has a decent match with you and is also online. This eliminates the bunch of messages that get send to tens of people at a time. I'm not sure if it's also available in English though.

[hawgsquatch]

Fred

[Bekah]

My first bit of online dating was back in the days of Netscape Navigator...LOL! I have had both good and bad, great and crazy. I met my soon to be ex husband on a site similar to Facebook, looking for people from school, and we were married for almost 9 years, life just got crazy, and we had to end it or destroy one or both of us in the process. 

I don't talk to people in "real life" if I have a choice...unless I am being totally fake for a reason (like my job...I have to be nice to people all day long, and the being nice isnt fake, but the talking to them in the first place is forced) and the only people who seem to approach me are drunk homeless guys on the bus...so yeah, I will take an online date over that any day of the week! Granted, I haven't been out in the dating world in a long time, and I am a completely different person, but most of the people I liked best, I had no idea what they looked like until much later, and I already thought they were awesome by then so it was irrelevant to a degree. 

I agree with people who said that there are too many choices, it has to be more organic than that, for it to actually develop, at least for me...but I would probably be one of those "unmatchables" LOL! Oh well, it will happen or it wont...I'm not going to worry about it, since I'm not really in a place to have any kind of relationship right now anyways.

 

I just wanted to throw in my 2 cents because I did it LONG before it was a "thing" and I did the "fly out and meet someone" and he was actually a really nice guy and not a weirdo, but I think I was too young (mentally and physically) for him...he asked for my ID at the airport...LOL! I have always looked young, but the reality of me wasn't as good as his fantasy I suppose. However, I did have some very giant weirdos, one I almost had to get a restraining order and he slashed my mom's tires while she was at my house, and another broke into my house and was watching me sleep after I told him I didnt want to see him anymore...so yeah, there should be a long vetting process, and several skype conversations, now that there is such a thing, at least I think so anyways. 

[Ceasefire]

I'm in the group who did online dating before it actually became online dating. Not only does that make me feel like an elitist, but it makes me feel too damn old. XD

 

Yes, it's going to be difficult to meet someone online. You have to take their word for everything. But there are those people who are honest, genuine people who get sidelined because of the rest of the weirdos/creeps/liars that are thrown into the mix. It's really like a game of hide and seek.

 

My husband and I met via 8bit Theater. I don't know how many nerds here are familiar with the comic, but we both posted on the forums. I was a rather talkative not-quite-20-year-old and he was a spammer. Like, thousands of posts, most of them irrelevant. He amused me. I must have caught his attention in some way too. We ended up participating in a forum RPG where our characters ended up being lovers. And the rest, as they say, is history.

 

We lived half the world apart. He was about to enlist in the Airforce in the US and I was working a dead end job and living with my parents in the UK. But we made it work. And here we are, 8 years married with 2 kids living together in the US. Sure, it hasn't been all fun and games, but what relationship has? No matter the medium on which the relationship started, one thing is for sure: Honesty takes you a LONG way.

[bgvanbur]

I met my wife of six and a half years on okcupid.  Before that I the women I met in person were pretty much what they presented online, some were flaky, and there are some matches they made absolutely no sense to me.

 

I agree with Ceasefire that honesty is key.

[Damaramu]

 

I just wanted to throw in my 2 cents because I did it LONG before it was a "thing" and I did the "fly out and meet someone" and he was actually a really nice guy and not a weirdo, but I think I was too young (mentally and physically) for him...he asked for my ID at the airport...LOL! I have always looked young, but the reality of me wasn't as good as his fantasy I suppose.  

 

I've had that problem both ways.

 

I won't always say it was the girl presenting herself falsely (though that has happened) but there have been plenty of times where I thought something about one person after chatting and texting and then meeting them was totally different and wasn't what I wanted. To be fair, it was probably me taking some idea from something they said and running with it some of the times.

 

But it has happened to be the other way too. What they thought I was wasn't what they got. I always try to be honest, but sometimes pictures just don't represent you or how you come across in texts isn't the same as real life.

[Guest Dirty Deads]

I've had that problem both ways.

 

I won't always say it was the girl presenting herself falsely (though that has happened) but there have been plenty of times where I thought something about one person after chatting and texting and then meeting them was totally different and wasn't what I wanted. To be fair, it was probably me taking some idea from something they said and running with it some of the times.

 

But it has happened to be the other way too. What they thought I was wasn't what they got. I always try to be honest, but sometimes pictures just don't represent you or how you come across in texts isn't the same as real life.

 

Met a girl online once who was pretty average looking. Ok at best, when I met her in person she was ridiculously hot. Pics definitely don't always tell the story. Sadly, she came to see me on the way to pick up her boyfriend from the airport.

[DasBacon]

Met a girl online once who was pretty average looking. Ok at best, when I met her in person she was ridiculously hot. Pics definitely don't always tell the story. Sadly, she came to see me on the way to pick up her boyfriend from the airport.

Ouch. That must not have been pleasant.

[WhenWorldIsMine]

Check this out: http://www.wired.com/2014/01/how-to-hack-okcupid/

 

This guy used Python scripts, machine learning algorithms, databases and 12 dummy profiles to win at internet dating. Even with all that it took 88 dates to find his fiancé!

[Bekah]

Internet Dating: Making Dateless Hermit look like a very viable relationship option.

[Zorch]

Wow, old thread resurrected!  For what it's worth, between now and the time this thread was started I met my girlfriend via online dating(more on that below)

 

Im probably too picky. But when I do contact someone, i almost always get ignored.

 

Im also going to put part of the blame on my city.

 

This is consistent with my experience - below are my summarized learnings:

 

• As a guy, expect a low response rate.  My girlfriend was somewhat surprised to hear of my experience of a very low response rate given how(in her opinion) I compared to the majority of folks on the site, but it seems to be a near-universal thing from guys
  • Based on experiences that my girlfriend and other women I know have related, I tend to blame the large numbers of men who view online dating as a consequence-free hook-up platform, or who just spam messages to dozens of women without putting thought into it.  Apparently "Hey ur hot" and "Sup" are both very common messages for women to receive in online dating, as are hook-up requests.
• Population density and demographics have a big effect on success rate.  I'm from a small town in Upstate New York, so I can relate to your experiences above.  Most of the interesting-looking profiles I saw were from women in the Ithaca area (For those not from upstate NY, it's the home of Cornell - and is a college town with a VERY highly-educated population, and also larger than the town in which I live) - with the downside that Ithaca is between 40 and 50 miles from my location.  Incidentally my girlfriend had previously been in Ithaca and had recently moved to a location my closer to where I am for work.
  • I also had the somewhat-awkward situation where someone I was not interested in saw my profile online and recognized me, and then tried to convince me to go on a date in real life.  Thankfully while I declined, I managed to do so gracefully enough that I am still friends with this person.  And in happier news, she also is currently in a happy relationship with someone she met online
• Almost no one under the age of 40 thinks it's odd, and even a number of folks in the 50/60+ crowd are doing the online dating thing.  It's become common enough that most people won't think anything of it.

 

• As far as how to set yourself up for success, if you're male, put some time into your profile, and portray yourself in a manner that is both honest and as positive as possible.  One of the things my girlfriend remarked on was the fact that I had a complete, well-written profile free of spelling/grammatical errors(hey, she was an English major as an undergrad!)
  • Don't underestimate the importance of the profile picture.  I'm not talking about pictures where you show off your GUNZ(if male) or the stereotypical female bikini shot - a picture of you doing something interesting is probably a better option.  One of the main reasons my girlfriend messaged me was because I had two pictures on my profile: one on top of Mt. Fuji, and another from when I was vacationing in Alaska.  Being that she loved the outdoors(and had actually done an internship in Alaska a couple years prior), these pictures got her attention.
• Putting time into your profile matters more if you're male.  Your best option as a female is probably to take the initiative and actively choose who you message.  This avoids dealing with the deluge of ridiculous messages, and ensures that the bulk of your communications are with people that are actually worth your time.
  • Incidentally my girlfriend didn't even have a profile filled out when she messaged me - in part because she wanted to avoid the onslaught of hookup requests and lazy/unintelligent messages.  I wouldn't recommend this approach for most women(most men are visual, so at least put up a picture).  However if you are a compelling enough writer you may be able to pull it off.
• Don't screw around chatting forever.  Set up a face-to-face meeting in a public, casual, low-pressure setting(a coffee shop is perfect for this sort of thing, but there are other options too).  Some place where you both feel safe, and where it's easy to end things quickly if things are awkward/don't work out.

 

That's about it for advice.  Of course, there were a few humorous/awkward moments/people besides those I noted above - some of which you might expect, and some a little more strange:

• The individual who looked nothing like her profile picture in person
• The many people who didn't read my profile, and messaged me despite obviously NOT meeting the qualities I said I was interested in
• The woman who was more introverted than me(if you know me, that's quite an achievement).  We actually made it through 2 dates, and while she was a compelling person, the conversations were entirely too painful and we both recognized this.
• The person who attempted to convert me to veganism(no, really.  That made for an entertaining conversation, at least.)

 

Anyhow, best of luck.  Hopefully some of the above was useful(or at least mildly humorous).

[Bekah]

wow ^^^^ was great I honestly can think of one potentially good piece of advice: if you have a specific interest/focus that will directly impact who you choose as a mate (ie. you only date furries...lol it came to my head first) there might be a better place to find potential mates, geared toward that type of thing. Granted you will have the same issues, but it may make the weeding out process easier.

[Oramac]

Well, this thread is depressing.  

 

I've tried more than half-dozen dating sites over the last 8-ish years, and apparently I have the worst luck on the planet.  

 

In that time I think I've had maybe two-dozen dates, and one "relationship" that lasted about a month.  

 

I can count on one finger the number of times a woman has sent me the first message.  

 

FML. 

[Bekah]

Well, this thread is depressing.

I've tried more than half-dozen dating sites over the last 8-ish years, and apparently I have the worst luck on the planet.

In that time I think I've had maybe two-dozen dates, and one "relationship" that lasted about a month.

I can count on one finger the number of times a woman has sent me the first message.

FML.

awwwww *hugs* thats bc girls are stupid! Put a squat video on your profile

[Noname123]

You think we can start a squat dating site? 

[Machete]

Well, this thread is depressing.  

 

I've tried more than half-dozen dating sites over the last 8-ish years, and apparently I have the worst luck on the planet.  

 

In that time I think I've had maybe two-dozen dates, and one "relationship" that lasted about a month.  

 

I can count on one finger the number of times a woman has sent me the first message.  

 

FML. 

 

I created profiles on almost every site (including the obscure ones, like DisabledDating, JDate, STDmatch, etc.) I was sent one first message from a female and a few from males. I wasn't even allowed to create a profile on eHarmony.

 

[Bekah]

You think we can start a squat dating site?

I (and several others) have opined that there is a need for dating.nerdfitness.com to be a thing, so yes

I created profiles on almost every site (including the obscure ones, like DisabledDating, JDate, STDmatch, etc.) I was sent one first message from a female and a few from males. I wasn't even allowed to create a profile on eHarmony.

You are darling, people are stupid

[Noname123]

We could use terms like:

 

How Deep is your connection? 

half-rep (low compatibility)

parallel (medium compatibility)

ass-to-grass (swolemate)

 

And sorry for the ill luck on dating sites guys, you'll find someone and be happy- better than being matched and date someone who isn't compatible with you!

[Bekah]

and a first date of watching Netflix and getting high is soooo not happening, no matter how cute you are! Guess that's what passes for a date for early 20 somethings these days?

[Evicious]

I feel like a veteran of online dating, although I haven't done it in almost a year.

I used Plentyoffish and OKCupid.

 

My main problem was also the abundance of choices. I had just gotten divorced so wasn't ready to tie myself down, I just wanted to have fun. So I got to go on a lot of dates, but never really settled down. I'm more open to settling down now and I think back to some of the girls I just "dated" and think they could've been potentially great girlfriends, but I just wasn't ready. Wrong time and place I guess.

 

And yeah it sucks to send a message to someone you're really interested in and they not respond, but that's just the way the model works.

 

Also I was always pretty up front with the girls that I wasn't looking for anything serious. Unfortunately a lot of them heard what they wanted to hear or thought they could change me and make me fall for just them. I was pretty serious about sticking to my conviction to not get serious so soon after a failed marriage and there was a lot of hurt feelings from the girls that thought they could change that.

And yeah a lot of times you'd go on a few good dates, think you had something and then they lost interest and just quit talking to you. I figure it was because they wanted to avoid confrontation, but if I wasn't interested in someone I let them know. I'm more outgoing and less afraid of conflict though.

 

I have a friend though that's an absolute walking hard-on. He uses the dating websites to hook up with girls. If they don't give it up on the first date or don't want to like hang out immediately he gets pretty angry and tells them off in a text message. Somehow though he still gets a lot of dates despite being overly aggressive and really pushy.

 

And he's the reason many of those girls won't respond to perfectly nice gentlemen, such as those who have posted about being ignored. Dicks like him (and I use the term "dick" quite literally, as that is the only feature of himself he seems to put any sense of worth into) are why women tend to hesitate when it comes to online dating, and especially meeting up in person.

[Frost of the Gloaming]

I know a couple of people who started talking on a forum, met irl got married had a couple of kids; just sayin...........

[Oramac]

I (and several others) have opined that there is a need for dating.nerdfitness.com to be a thing, so yes

 

I would join the hell out of that. 

[JessOfAllTrades]

I was on OKC for a little bit, as was my partner before we started dating. We actually met on Meetup though, which I found to be an awesome option to meet potential dating partners without the actual pressure of dating. I know it's great in urban areas like DC where there are lots of events, but it may be a bit tougher in less populated areas.

 

For the record, a NF dating site sounds like a great idea.

[PixieKitten]

Ive just joined Eharmony, I've had a few guys send me questions already but Im not willing to pay to see photos, and not sure about anyone I can't see... i.e everyone. Bit silly of me really.