My own special kind of crazy - Need Social Advice

[AmnesiaBullets]

Hello all. Long time lurker, first time poster.

 

I'm not even quite sure where on the interwebs a post like this belongs. I figured that this site would seem to have a lot of people similar to me, so it's a good place to start. Can you please help me?

 

I'll try (and fail) to keep this as short as possible.

 

I'm trying to find a label for what I'm dealing with to try to find out how I can fix it. I am, I guess you could say "shy."

 

In an attempt to better my life, I began reading some books to help with social skills (How To Win Friends And Influence People and How To Talk To Anyone), which temporarily tricked me to believe that I was a practiced socializer.

 

There is a group of (4) girls that I always see sitting outside of my place of work, eating and socializing. I typically see them after a noon walk that several co-workers and I take. Last Friday, I recognized talking to them as quite possibly the scariest position that I could be in. So I went over and talked to them.

 

My opening was asking what company in the office complex they worked at and what they did there. I introduced myself, told them where I worked, and got their names. I said that it was a pleasure meeting them, and took my leave.

 

I tried to make the interaction relatively short, given my discomfort in the situation. I "retreated" to my desk and wrote their names down (I'm a visual learner, not an audible learner), and then threw away the paper after I had remembered them.

 

Monday morning, I saw them there again (minus 1 person) and went over and asked if I could sit down with them. They said yes, so I sat down, verified that I had their names correct (I did. Huzzah.) and asked them how their weekend was, what they did, etc. I recalled one of them was wearing a hockey Jersey on Friday, so I brought up the team's games over the weekend and they talked about that for a short amount of time.

 

After that, I let them know that a bunch of us walk at noon every day (I notice that they walk around during the day while I'm daydreaming out the window) and let them know that they're more than welcome to come with us. I wrote my cell phone number on a business card (which I'm now thinking looked pretentious) and said to text me if they wanted to go, and we'd wait up for them.

 

To bring this story to a close, I saw them Tuesday, but didn't actually approach them. I "chickened out" mostly from self-conscious thoughts about the entire interaction thus far with them. At this point, the person inside my head that said "Go for it." has retreated into the depths of my mind and has been replaced with the one that's been there all along, the self-doubter person guy. They also weren't in their normal spot today.

 

Personally, I think it would be beneficial, to me, to come out and tell them that I'm actually really shy. However, given my actions thus far, I don't think that they would think it was sincere. Do I continue with this 'facade' and just talk to them for a little bit each day? Do I give up on it (lol no)? Do I tell them the truth about my shyness?

 

I tried to leave out as much of my personal feelings about what happened as possible, because in my mind they see me as a weird creep that comes to bother them during lunch, and I'd like an objective viewpoint.

 

I believe that the anxiety may stem from being shot down by a myriad of girls during my life. It seems like I only feel this way around women that I'm even the slightest bit attracted to (and even then, only ones that don't actually know me very well). I go to tradeshows for work and will talk prospective customers' ears off.

 

I'd like to thank you for your time in reading this, and I truly appreciate any insight you can give me.

[Harleytrypp]

First, congratulations on overcoming a big social fear.  It's difficult, so, good job.  

 

On to my advise.  Keep it casual, and just enjoy the chats.  Keep going out there and visit with the ladies with no expectations.  Developing relationships takes time.  As they get to know you and as you get to know them, they may begin to open further to you.  If they don't, enjoy what they are willing to give, casual socialization, which will give you practice for your next "20 Second Beast Mode".  If the do, enjoy that as a pleasant surprise.  You cannot control how other people act, but you control your reaction to them.

[Wolfhorde]

First, congratulations on overcoming a big social fear.  It's difficult, so, good job.  

 

On to my advise.  Keep it casual, and just enjoy the chats.  Keep going out there and visit with the ladies with no expectations.  Developing relationships takes time.  As they get to know you and as you get to know them, they may begin to open further to you.  If they don't, enjoy what they are willing to give, casual socialization, which will give you practice for your next "20 Second Beast Mode".  If the do, enjoy that as a pleasant surprise.  You cannot control how other people act, but you control your reaction to them.

This.

Also, you're already trying to rationalize your way out of this so be wary of the hindrance that is your own brain - because that is probably the biggest thing standing in your way. Actions and what we call "personality" or "attributes" are co-dependant so don't think about who you or others think you are. Act like the person you want to be. Remember: It's not about where you come from, it's where you go and I know this is going to sound completely counterintuitive but try to detach yourself from your experience and past a bit more.

These two components seem to be some of the biggest mental barriers that keep people from doing something because of some bad experience in the past and the logical fallacy that follows:"THEREFORE IT CAN'T BE GOOD/WORK OUT/MY GENES/PERSONALITY/[insert fatalist statement]" or something alike.

 

Don't expect a certain result, be grateful if there is one in your favor and most important: Don't forget to try and enjoy yourself and don't force yourself to act in a certain way because you feel you should.

[AmnesiaBullets]

Fantastic. Thank you for the advice HarleyTrypp and Wolfhorde. It is much appreciated.

[Jstrain]

Do I continue with this 'facade' and just talk to them for a little bit each day?

 

 

 

If you're actually wanting to overcome your shyness (which I also suffer from), then I think 'facade' is the wrong way to look at it.  Like if you want to be more outgoing, then that is who you are.  It isn't a facade, it's who you really are underneath.  The more I think about it, the shyness is actually the facade.  It's the fake cover in front of what you really want to be like.

 

I guess I just don't want you to get down on yourself by looking negatively at your attempts to overcome your shyness.  If anything, working up the courage to talk to them is a huge step towards becoming what you want to be!

 

[stevembk]

 

 If anything, working up the courage to talk to them is a huge step towards becoming what you want to be!

 

 

 

Yes, this is a huge step that most people can't even get the courage to do. Especially approaching a group. Im impressed. I don't think I would get that far.

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

Adding to all the above, you become a certain way by being that way.  If you want to be outgoing and a good conversationalist, you want to do exactly what you are doing and force yourself to be that way.  It feels fake at first, but eventually your brain learns it to be the new norm and you actually become that thing.

 

I used to have a HUGE lack of self confidence, and this is how I overcame it. I'm not a bad looking guy, and apparently, according to my friends, there were a few girls in high school that would flirt with me (and looking back at it, yeah, there were), but I had so little self confidence it would never even occur to me that they were interested and I'd never know unless someone told me straight out. Eventually I realized it was an issue and began "feigning" self confidence. I stopped telling everyone my faults and self-depricating and every time I would think of not doing something because I wasn't good enough, or those were the cool, good looking people, I would force myself to do it anyway just because that thought occured to me and force myself to act normal.  Eventually it came natural and it's now who I am as a default. I think I typically come off a bit egotistical now, I think I over did it.  I'm working on being more humble and trying to ingrain myself as that a bit more.

 

Like you one of those big problems I had was talking to any female who was even moderately attractive. I would stammer, mumble, not have anytihg to say, it was terrible.  Like I said, I started forcing myself to do it, and in the beginning it was like an act, like I was a character that was a guy that was super attractive and incredibly interesting that these girls would be silly not to like. Eventually self image became more ingrained and while I'm not full of myself, I don't think poorly of myself or think I'm not good enough to approach someone anymore.  I think it's a problem a lot of us nerds and late bloomers have, I know mine came from being the fat smelly kid all through elementary school that everyone teased, and even after I cleaned up and thinned out the self image stuck.

 

I think what you're doing right now is exactly what you want to do, keep being friendly and polite and approaching these women and asking to sit down.  If it comes up, don't be affraid to tell them, yes, I'm typically very shy and I've been practicing putting myself out there, and that's why I initially approached you. Im practicing putting myself out there. I think you've handled all the interactions incredibly well at this point, including the card, that was a ballsy and awesome move.

[stevembk]

^You sir are an inspiration to us all.

[Frost of the Gloaming]

just be yourself; I would have never found my comic book loving, star trek watching wife, if I pretended to not be into those things

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

just be yourself; I would have never found my comic book loving, star trek watching wife, if I pretended to not be into those things

 

I know this comment isn't directed at what I said, but I want to add to what I said before to clarify. I'm not saying abandon your interests.  You should own your nerdiness and be proud of it, wear it on your sleeve.  I'm talking about the social interactions and confidence.  Too often people think they go hand in hand. They don't. You can be a huge WoW addict and Star Trek nerd who goes out at night and talks the ladies up at bars, you just might want to save those topics for people you feel would be interested in them once you talk to them a bit.

[Wolfhorde]

I know this comment isn't directed at what I said, but I want to add to what I said before to clarify. I'm not saying abandon your interests.  You should own your nerdiness and be proud of it, wear it on your sleeve.  I'm talking about the social interactions and confidence.  Too often people think they go hand in hand. They don't. You can be a huge WoW addict and Star Trek nerd who goes out at night and talks the ladies up at bars, you just might want to save those topics for people you feel would be interested in them once you talk to them a bit.

This so much. People have a really hard time believing that you can be a "nerd" who has no problem roaming around on social events, is interested in style, likes extreme sports or travelling a lot. One thing doesn't exclude the other, you might just want to test the waters before you talk to people about stuff they don't care about as he said above. But that goes for anything, whether it's talking about MMOs, Nietzsche, science or your 'sexual exploits'.

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

This so much. People have a really hard time believing that you can be a "nerd" who has no problem roaming around on social events, is interested in style, likes extreme sports or travelling a lot. One thing doesn't exclude the other, you might just want to test the waters before you talk to people about stuff they don't care about as he said above. But that goes for anything, whether it's talking about MMOs, Nietzsche, science or your 'sexual exploits'.

 

For me I get teased because I try to talk to everyone about how squats fix everything.

[stevembk]

For me I get teased because I try to talk to everyone about how squats fix everything.

 

Sounds like a good pickup line!

[Frost of the Gloaming]

I'm just going with to many people feel the need to "fit" in and will change themselves to be liked, that's all I'm saying

[I-Jo]

I have found- and I know it's WAY scarier- but really it's pain free and can make you feel awesome- and there is almost NO negative ramifications.

 

Talking to complete strangers-  seems SUPER scary- it's not. 

 

Bump in to someone reaching for the same product?? make a little joke about being a bacon lover!!  Like- you know if that was bacon- You might not have got your arm back!

 

 

Long line at the register??  Man it's way to hot to be doing my weeks worth of shopping- it's seista time!

 

easy- you are only there for a few moments- and you will never see them again every.

 

I find talking to people I see regularly much more difficult.  I used to be quiet and uber dorky... few things changed- Lasik surger (GO GO GO)  learning that my butt wasn't a bad thing- and somewhere between highschool and college graduation I learned... being more forward and open and up front is safer than being quiet and shy. I protect myself by being more social and outgoing.  

 

But it takes some time and effort to open up and be comfortable with that "willing to talk to everyone"  but you gotta start somewhere!

 

GO YOU for approaching a group- that is TOUGH to do for sure!!!

[AmnesiaBullets]

Thanks for the help guys . I'll put it to good use.

[Guest CyborgNinja]

Just walking up to not one girl you don't know but four of them who all know each other and trying to strike up conversation is pretty high risk unless the mood is kinda cafeteria like, i.e. "mind if I eat with you guys, okay sweet let's all get introduced." If the mood is anything other than that you'll be walking up to some coffee klatch and trying to "make friends" with everyone at once, which will get awkward fast with several witnesses to pass the word along that "so and so is an awkward foreveralone."

 

 

If you want my honest opinion it sounds like you're both timid and needy, resulting in a lot of internal conflict.

 

 

It's easy to overcome with a little more social experience but my biggest and most stern advice to you is, do not learn to make friends at work. Just as part of the learning curve there will be wreckage and embarrassment and shame between where you are now and where you'd like to be, and you don't want any of that connected to your employment.

 

Other than that, it's great that you're trying to take steps to improve yourself. That's what places like this are for.

 

 

 

 

[magi192]

Ah. I'm going through a similar issue and a lot of the advice here seem good. Thanks, everyone!

 

Also AmnesiaBullets, you're brave for approaching the group. Awesome, man. 

 

I also agree with I-Jo. In my experience, it's a lot easier to speak to/meet up with strangers, so it might be best to start with strangers until you feel more confident/outgoing before approaching people you meet regularly. Good luck!