A downward spiral

[porchcricket13]

I'm dealing with something in my personal life that has truly made me hate myself. Whenever I get into that mode of berating myself like this it creates a cycle of depression which is channelled into excess food and lack of motivation. 

 

I don't know how to break that cycle. I am determined to make it through this without completely undoing what I'm working so hard for, but it's already started. I can't talk to my bf about it because it would break his heart, and he is the only person I would normally go to right now. 

 

I don't know how to convince myself that hurting myself right now (eating poorly and sleeping all day) is not going to make this better. I know that acknowledging it is huge, but I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

 

Please if anyone has been through these moments and can show me a way to get through it, please help.

[Georges]

I have no background in counseling or anything like that, but one thing I would suggest is this:  Take a step back and ask yourself, if one of your friends was dealing with that same thing in his/her personal life, would it make you hate them?  Would you feel compassion for them instead?  Perhaps you deserve a little self-compassion instead of self-hate, but it can be really hard to see that when you've had years of establishing the pattern/habit of berating yourself.

[porchcricket13]

If I was on the other side of this I would be hurt and angry, hate? I don't know. I have had friends deal with this in the past, and I'm realizing I judged them harshly for something I couldn't possibly have understood. I always held a certain belief, one that I now am judging myself by. There is no excuse for my behavior, reasons maybe...but no excuse. 

 

I understand that I'm only human and mistakes happen but to potentially ruin my future for nothing? It's hard not to hate myself for that. I would give anything to go back, to keep my head in check. 

[I-Jo]

No one is allowed to make you feel worthless- Not even you. 

 

I would highly recommend seeking a counselor.  Really- screw your courage to the sticking plate and make an appointment and go. 

 

Write in a journal.

Write it out into a letter- you can even write it to the BF... then burn it. tear it up in a million pieces- flush it down the toilet whatever it takes. 

Go for a walk.
Talk in the shower.

 

Find an outlet that allows you to express yourself in your own way- in your own time. 

[I-Jo]

One simple technique that many people find helpful in dealing with depression/self hatred is to practice mindfulness, externalising those thoughts that have you berating yourself. Some people like to give it a name. "Kim Kardashian says I'm useless and fat, and there's no point getting up today. She wants me to stay in bed with her. Well, I'm not listening to Kim Kardashian, I'm going to get up today. Even if it is midday, at least I haven't spent all day in bed with Kim."

 

Listen to your thoughts. Acknowledge that you're having depressive thoughts. But don't let them rule your actions, or define who you are.

 

This is excellent advice.

one of the first problems I had with being depressed is that I just thought I was broken- I wasn't aware of what depression was and what it could do to me and that it wasn't just something you can "just snap out of"... You have to identify that there is an issue, triggers and things- then move forward.

 

I love the "naming" of it- that's great. 

[Ensi]

I don't know, what you're going through exactly, but trust me: you will recover. You haven't ruined anything, and if you have, you will get over it in time.

 

I suffer (sometimes enjoy?) from general anxiety disorder, and last winter I felt so down that getting back up felt as impossible as climbing up that prison hole in The Dark Knight Rises. I had ruined my health, both mental and physical, and I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life in bed, depressed and scared as hell. I had lost someone I cared a lot for, and I felt like I was failing my studies big time. But there was the will to get better. I contacted my university's healthcare services and got help. There are some things I never solved and that still hurt me at times, but I've accepted them and moved on.

 

I think that's the advice I can give you: find help, deal with the things that make you feel down and move on. The sooner you do this, the sooner you'll get back up. And as people have said here, be your own best friend and help yourself! You are a wonderful person and you deserve to feel good about your life Practising mindfulness did the thing for me. It ended my panic attacks and I'm just a lot more aware of what's going on around me in a good way.

 

As for me, I've recovered pretty well. I still struggle with some phobias and anxiety, but they don't boss me around anymore. I see them as an inner dragon of mine that sometimes roars and makes me scared. But oh well, I just have to train it not to roar. I wish you all the best.

[Vintage]

I know that place well. I get depressed and all motivation to do anything but lay in bed and let my life fall to pieces disappears. And then the oppressive feeling of everything falling apart just grows and grows as I let it go and it all snowballs.

 

There's been a lot of great advice on dealing with the depression side of things already on this thread - listen to it. 

 

In the mean time, find at least one thing every day that you can accomplish no matter what. It could be as basic as doing laundry, folding it and putting it away or running an errand you've been putting off or it could be calling a friend to catch up. It helps to have someone you can tell that you did these things or somewhere to write it down (here would work). Force yourself to acknowledge the things you're doing right, even if they're small right now. The biggest danger I've found is that I get depressed, don't do anything all day, then feel guilty/lazy/pathetic for not doing anything, then get more depressed. 

[Guzzi]

A lot of us have been where you are, and understand just how destructive this can be. First things first, you've got to have an outlet. Someone to talk to about what's going on. You said you're dealing with something in your personal life and that it would break your boyfriends heart, so I assume this is something more than just "regular" self hatred/worthlessness. These things can consume us if we let them, but by talking to someone about it you can regain some measure of control. As said above, a counsellor would be the best. If you just want to offload to someone unconnected, you can send me a PM. I can't offer any professional advice, but often it's just the act of talking to someone that opens the door for you. I hope you see some light at the end of the tunnel. Xx

[Guest asdf]

This might not be what you were expecting, but it very well may help. May the wise words of wisdom from Monty Python uplift your spirits during this low point in your life. This song singlehandedly helped bring me out of a long term depression and has helped countless friends of mine during times they were feeling seriously blue. This song does not provide a cure to personal troubles over night as one might wish, but in my experience it does help open the doors to do so if you take the lyrics to heart and seek out this song whenever you are feeling down. 

 

I love this song because it simultaneously makes you laugh and grin from ear to ear while giving fantastic advice for how to handle life's problem. Hence I send it to everyone who I believe may benefit from it. This might not be what you were expecting, but it very well may help, and I most definitely hope it does.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHPOzQzk9Qo

[MariahSnow]

Oh wow.

 

This thread is me. Today. Right now. I cried in my car for 30 minutes before coming in to work today and I honestly can't tell you why. I'm an asshole, I'm not worth the time, and I generally fail at almost anything I try. (Yes, I realize this is not me speaking, it's Kim Kardashian). I'm pushing people away, I'm angry, I'm tired. And now looking back on it, I'm thinking I'm quiet silly.

 

I'm currently in counseling and I went in pretty calm, I didn't cry a lot. But I think the floodgates have been opened and as I'm going through the motions of dealing with my personal issues, it's coming out in kind of uncontrolled emotional tantrums.

 

My solution for today was to purchase a month's worth of unlimited yoga classes. Yoga has helped me in the past, especially with learning to decide which voice is Kim K and which voice is really me.

 

Also, this has always helped (link below, comparing depression to weather):

 

"Here are some obvious things about the weather:

It's real.
You can't change it by wishing it away. 
If it's dark and rainy it really is dark and rainy and you can't alter it. 
It might be dark and rainy for two weeks in a row.

BUT

It will be sunny one day.
It isn't under one's control as to when the sun comes out, but come out it will. 
One day.

It really is the same with one's moods, I think. The wrong approach is to believe that they are illusions. They are real. Depression, anxiety, listlessness - these are as real as the weather - AND EQUALLY NOT UNDER ONE'S CONTROL. Not one's fault. 

BUT 

They will pass: they really will."

 

http://www.lettersofnote.com/2009/10/it-will-be-sunny-one-day.html

[Krisis]

Hang in there, friends.  I struggle with generalized depressive disorder and social anxiety (like a bitch.  All the time.  Stupid SAD.)  One thing that has seriously helped me is doing something I love.  Most recently, that has been going back to school.  I also read a lot to escape to a different place.  

 

Mostly I try really hard, when those thoughts arrive, to PUSH them out of my head.  I capitalized the letters because I have to be really forceful.  I seriously force myself to think of something else.  Now if there's a problem that needs to be solved, this won't work, but if you're just feeling bad in general, it sometimes helps. 

 

The thing is, what works for some people doesn't work for others.  I have been on medication for the last 5 years and it's made a huge difference in my life. I will likely always need medication for depression and I'm okay with that.  It took me a while to be okay with it, but depression is a disease just like diabetes.  Treatment is required, at least for me. 

 

Good luck friend and if you ever need someone to talk to, vent at, or shoot the breeze with, I'm always around.  Feel free to PM me please.  I have had looots of experience with this.  Sorry if this post is all over the place, my son is really sick today so I am a little scatterbrained.  but I'm still willing to listen  

[joedog]

I also strongly encourage you to talk to someone objective like a counselor. I have been going through some heavy struggles lately also and talking helps me. I don't have any wisdom beyond what other folks here have said. Just know you aren't alone. Add me to the list of folks you can PM if you need to talk. Try to hang in there. It gets better.

Sent from my ADR6425LVW using Tapatalk 2

[WifeyB]

No one is allowed to make you feel worthless- Not even you. 

 

I love this advice... Especially the "not even you" part.

Sending support and positive feelings over my internet lines to all y'all. <3 I'm not so eloquently put as many of the wonderful people posting before me. Suffice to say if I could send a hug in a post, I would. Seek out some counseling. Life is far too short and precious to sit and hurt. You're so very, very valuable!

[porchcricket13]

I don't have time atm to say everything I want to say but I will later. Thanks for the kind words and support, it's very much helping.