Letting Go Of Negative People/Relationships

[SimplyTsundere]

This might come off as silly but how do you know when it's time to let go of a negative person or relationship? Especially if you care got them deeply. 

 

Every article I read always stresses the importance of cutting out the negativity and surrounding yourself with positivty, and especially positive people, if you're trying to change for the better. It just sucks if the people you need to cut out are family members, close friends, or significant others.

 

I know some of the ladies in here have had some kind of bad relationship or another but how did you finally stand up for yourself and push through the bullshit and hurt feelings and just...pain.

 

I posted this on another forum but I wanted to post it here as well to get male and female opinions. And to just broaden the spectrum of help/stories.

[SoftSoul]

Preface: Face the negativity in your own life. Negative feelings? Sadness? Anger? Feel it. Deal with it. Talk to someone about it, write it down, draw the feeling on paper, release it. Don't just cast it away or hide from it. Understanding these things is just as important to our growth as humans as learning how to have gratitude, hope, and a positive outlook.

 

As for how to know when to ditch a negative person, there are lots of things you have to consider.

 

Is the relationship romantic? friend? (long term friend vs. short term) or family?

 

Romantic:

 

80/20 rule: Are your interactions 100% awesome at least 80% of the time? Read the book If the Buddha Dated. Even if you don't follow the principles of Buddhism, it's an amazing book, super insightful.

 

Friends:

 

If you're feeling negativity from a friend you've known for a year, it's probably not even worth maintaining the friendship.

 

A friend of ten years? Distance yourself for, say, 2-3 months. Upon reuniting, take all efforts to change negative "rumination" to positive conversation (e.g., they're complaining about weight. Calling themself names. So start talking about how awesome your nutrition/workout plan is and reassure them that they have the power to follow a similar plan as well).

 

Also, take into account that people go through rough times. A true friend doesn't ditch you because you have a bad month or a bad year. They understand that things like death, relationship issues, etc. cause suffering. A true friend is also true to themself though, first and foremost. When it's fairly obvious a person's whole character has turned negative, it's time to move on if you are trying to become more positive.

 

Look up on the internet and learn to set boundaries.

 

Family:

 

Okay, so if someone is being abusive with you, you have every right to just remove them from your life, no matter who they are.

 

If it's a generally negative family member... say Aunt Negative Nancy... someone you love and care about, feel loyalty toward, etc. and you can't fathom cutting them out, then set solid boundaries and limit the time you spend with them. Their bad attitude doesn't have to rub off on you. You can learn to see their suffering, but not absorb it, and reflect back a sense of joy. Sometimes, this is just what people need.

 

I highly suggest looking into Tonglen meditation.

[SimplyTsundere]

To answer where the negative stems from, it's romantic.

[JPrev]

This should be a supplement to other answers you get, but I can try to tackle it from a specific angle.  It's very difficult to sever an emotional tie, even if it seems like the perfectly rational thing to do.  Say you're in an abusive relationship - it can be very easy to list out every reason why you should not be with that person, and you yourself may agree with all those reasons.  Every party - you, your friends, maybe even the abusive person themselves - is in agreement that the situation doesn't make sense, it's unhealthy, and it should be avoided.  Even so, emotions don't always work that way.  They're not always convinced by reason alone.

 

Are you in an abusive relationship?  What do you mean by "negative?"

[SimplyTsundere]

Physically, no. Emotionally, probably.

 

I get the feeling I'm always the bad guy. I can't do right. Any issues we have stems from me (i.e. like I don't talk enough even though I text from the time I get up, while I'm at work, when I get off, and before bed so basically all day with some video chats). Or I'm in the wrong because I feel the way that I do. Like if you're actively pushing me away (i.e. him saying he's not gonna come visit.  He says , "You just go hang out with your friends since you don't miss me") even though I've begged for months for us to spend the holidays together. I'm kinda at my wits end.

 

This isn't a brand new relationship. It's been a three year investment. And it intensifies because it's a long distance relationship.

[Basement Cat]

Physically, no. Emotionally, probably.

 

I get the feeling I'm always the bad guy. I can't do right. Any issues we have stems from me (i.e. like I don't talk enough even though I text from the time I get up, while I'm at work, when I get off, and before bed so basically all day with some video chats). Or I'm in the wrong because I feel the way that I do. Like if you're actively pushing me away (i.e. I'm not gonna come visit. You just go hang out with your friends since you don't miss me) even though I've begged for months for us to spend the holidays together. I'm kinda at my wits end.

 

This isn't a brand new relationship. It's been a three year investment. And it intensifies because it's a long distance relationship.

 

Guilt trip alert! Red flag! Bail! This person is trying to make you cut off your other relationships to better control you.

 

Check this list, if you check more than three items, drop this relationship like a hot potato. http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/index.php/dating-violence/red-flags-for-abusive-relationships/

[SimplyTsundere]

Guilt trip alert! Red flag! Bail! This person is trying to make you cut off your other relationships to better control you.

 

Check this list, if you check more than three items, drop this relationship like a hot potato. http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/index.php/dating-violence/red-flags-for-abusive-relationships/

 

I had a whole lot of "kindas".

[Basement Cat]

I had a whole lot of "kindas".

 

Yeah, I don't think this relationship is on the healthy side, the way you are talking about it.

The 'any issues we have stems from me' bit is a huge red flag. All relationships have their problems, and they come from both sides, otherwise there is something seriously wrong.

 

I know it's hard, but really the best thing for now would be to end it. I've been there and believe me, it will hurt a lot less if you end it quick and clean.

 

I used to date this guy who would play the 'I guess that means you want to break up' car every time I brought up something I was uncomfortable with. Like: ' I wish you didn't share intimate details of our love life with your friends like this.' ' Oh, does that mean it's over between us?'

 

Fracking bumhole.

[SimplyTsundere]

This person is also chronically depressed (and I've begged for him to get help) and will do the semi-suicide talk and apparently attempted it in the apst. His friends have said he does it to get attention from females and I don't even have to explain how fucked up that it to be involved in. But I am scared that by letting him go his depression will get worse or there will be suicide. I'm scared because I still care and always will.

[Basement Cat]

This person is also chronically depressed (and I've begged for him to get help) and will do the semi-suicide talk and apparently attempted it in the apst. His friends have said he does it to get attention from females and I don't even have to explain how fucked up that it to be involved in. But I am scared that by letting him go his depression will get worse or there will be suicide. I'm scared because I still care and always will.

Alright, you are NOT responsible for his well-being. If he needs someone to support him, fine. If he needs someone to be there, fine. If he threatens to kill himself if you are not there for him, NOT FINE!

 

You are not a therapist. You have your own problems. It is unreasonable, unfair and unkind to lay this burden on your shoulders. If he has depression issues, then he needs to man up and do something about them!

 

I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. There are TONS of resources to help out there. Give him the suicide hotline number. They can help. If he refuses to help himself, then he is just using you to get a cheap power trip. He uses his depression as a means to manipulate you, and that is WRONG.

[JPrev]

I've known guys like that.  To be sure, there's no way you can stay in a relationship like this.  There's no question about that.  From what you're saying, it sounds like he's insecure and he's guilting you.  He's counting on you to be this endless fountain of care and understanding, and he gets it out of you by whining and being negative so you come pouring out the reassurance.  As you're experiencing, it gets to be exhausting.  Even if you care about him, you can't keep this up indefinitely.  Nor should you - that's not what a relationship is.

[SimplyTsundere]

Alright, you are NOT responsible for his well-being. If he needs someone to support him, fine. If he needs someone to be there, fine. If he threatens to kill himself if you are not there for him, NOT FINE!

 

You are not a therapist. You have your own problems. It is unreasonable, unfair and unkind to lay this burden on your shoulders. If he has depression issues, then he needs to man up and do something about them!

 

I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. There are TONS of resources to help out there. Give him the suicide hotline number. They can help. If he refuses to help himself, then he is just using you to get a cheap power trip. He uses his depression as a means to manipulate you, and that is WRONG.

 

I don't particularly think he will threaten to kill myself if I'm not there for him. I think it'll be like this: 1) We break up 2) His depression worsens 3) Attempted suicide. Unless that's what you're alluding to. According to him, all his relationships fail because the other person's feelings change but mine have not. I still love him. I still think he needs help. I still miss him. But he needs help. And I cannot be his help or his reason to get help. It needs to be for himself.

 

I've known guys like that.  To be sure, there's no way you can stay in a relationship like this.  There's no question about that.  From what you're saying, it sounds like he's insecure and he's guilting you.  He's counting on you to be this endless fountain of care and understanding, and he gets it out of you by whining and being negative so you come pouring out the reassurance.  As you're experiencing, it gets to be exhausting.  Even if you care about him, you can't keep this up indefinitely.  Nor should you - that's not what a relationship is.

 

I've always told him that I'll be that fountain too. But I've also told him I have my own shit and problems. But it's never as bad as his because I'm not sick and I have a job and money. He thinks money will solve all his problems and I know it won't. I genuinely try to be there as much as my patience and my life as a whole allows me to be without draining myself.

[Basement Cat]

Here, get this book: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/emotional-vampires-albert-j-bernstein/1003380810

 

Emotional vampires: dealing with people who drain you dry. Look up the chapter about 'histrionics'.

[FyreFlies]

Hello -

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's a three year investment, I wouldn't just throw it away. A lot of people don't understand WHY people are negative. A lot of times, due to their past, people carry around a lot of poison inside them. With friends and family, co-workers and acquitances - those people will try to bring you down by spewing that poison to you. The key is to be a source of light for those folks. They know no better - unfortunately. That does NOT mean you abandon them. But that also does not mean that you let the negativity affect you. Try to figure out why someone is behaving a certain way. Dissect it, then get it out of your system. You can minimize your relationship with those people so that it doesn't end up choking you. But I'm against leaving ANY relationship in the dark as a defence mechanism. We're on this earth to help each other, not to be selfish and constantly be a "me me me" lone wolf. Again, strengthen yourself to the point that you shed light out of your heart towards everyone. Eventually, you will touch someone by just being who you are.

 

Romantic relationships can be similarly dealt with - but a little different at the same time. This guy seems to be VERY needy. He's not confident in who he is. Again, this can be due to some horrendous stuff he's suffered that we have no knowledge of. I understand that you feel the need to protect yourself - and nobody is going to judge you for ditching him.

 

But try to consider a way to help him. He needs constant reassurance that you love him and only him. Females need this too because we are emotional beings. Do you tell him you love him? Do you give him compliments? Do you make him feel like he's the only one for you? Do you make him feel like you need him just as much as he needs you? I don't know the answers to those - only you do. And be frank with him. Say, dude, I love you - but you know I have a job and I train on my body like a mad woman and I cook blah blah blah. Just because I don't always text you 50 million times a day, doesn't mean I don't love you. Etc.

 

Everyone wants to feel wanted. He's not feeling that from you, that's why he's acting up. I'm also in a long-distance relationship and many times feel like him and I don't talk enough. But he makes me feel like I'm the one, but that he's just busy in life. So I busy myself so I'm not sitting around letting negative thoughts clog up my brain.

[SimplyTsundere]

His most damaging comment to me is always this: we'll get into an arguement. I'll start the arguement. He will. Whatever. Doesn't matter who starts it. After we're done with everything, like 5 minutes later, he normally follows up with "Oh, and if you want to leave me or go fuck someone else, let me know so I can just go ahead and delete your number." That's not...making me feel like anything. But shit.

 

I'll still answer your questions because I DO make sure I tell him that I love him, I miss him, his face, his body, that he's handsome, that he's the only person on this Earth for me and that's why I stick it out but how can one NOT feel defeated with a comment like that?

[FyreFlies]

Okay, so you know exactly where that comment is coming from. He's insecure. Know that THAT has nothing to do with you. How come you feel like shit for something that has absolutely nothing to do with you? Dude, I'm dating an amateur boxer and he's been with me since I was 125lbs fatter than I am now. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to pawn him off to someone else because I jsut felt like I wasn't worth it and he deserved better.

 

The best thing he ever did was continue on with me. Today, I'm fit - because of him. I'm in a better emotional place - because of him. If tomorrow him and I don't work out for whatever reason, I'll still respect him for the rest of my life.

 

I have a guy friend who believes he and I have something more than our friendship and says things like what you told me on a daily basis. He will text "I miss you" which means "call me so I can tell you how my day went." Or he'll get in a funk and say "you don't care about me!!" And I'm like, really? I just spent an hour talking to you on the phone, most people would consider that caring.

 

Again - it's a reassurance type of thing. Just stand your ground and approach the situation in a logical manner. You wouldn't quit your high-paying job because your boss is a jerkface. Would you? We're better than that. Stronger than that. We build muscles so we can scale that mountain. Why can't we do the same with our hearts?

 

Anyways.. I hope your issues resolve. I know sometimes it gets really hard. But you're strong. Keep strong.

[SimplyTsundere]

I understand insecurities. I have them myself. I would say things to him along the same lines but I stopped because I realized it's stupid and unhealthy. I've asked him to but he won't. And the perk about your boyfriend is that, he's striving to make himself better thus making you better. The one thing I asked my boyfriend to do, he hasn't and when I tell him I go to the gym and thus come home and pass out, it's not "Good job, good, make me a sandwich" or anything. It's "Why are you asleep so early? You keep sleeping early." And I know it's not from a nice place. My sleeping is also a problem for him. I'm not joking.

[FyreFlies]

Poor fella. It makes me sad. I know it's draining. But it's interesting at the same time. It just goes to show you he doesn't know how to see anything else but himself. Like I said - most people don't know how to show affection. They are so wrapped up on protecting themselves from the big, bad world that they don't see anyone else but themselves and their misery.

 

Dude is TERRIFIED that you're gonna leave him. Not that, that should be your problem. But yea, you can see where that's coming from. I hope that makes you feel better. Knowing it's not you, it's him.

 

You said you've suggested he better himself. Sometimes that can be done in encouraging the other person to do things they love. Or by encouraging them to try new things. Ask him to play sports he likes. Or to try a yoga class or something. The distance sucks, otherwise you can take him to the gym with you. Get him to flush out some of that yuckiness he keeps carrying around with him.

[Schmopey]

I'll still answer your questions because I DO make sure I tell him that I love him, I miss him, his face, his body, that he's handsome, that he's the only person on this Earth for me and that's why I stick it out but how can one NOT feel defeated with a comment like that?

 

Perhaps you aren't telling him in a manner that resonates with him. If you've not read it already, I found The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman to be fairly enlightening.

 

I am kind of interested in what he does for you, what need of yours he fulfills. From what you've written, he seems like quite the taker. I agree with FyreFlies that people shouldn't cut out others at the first sign of difficulty; committed relationships are best when each partner has the best interest of the other at heart. You seem to be trying to build him up. Does he ever do the same for you?

[Maledictus]

 

This might come off as silly but how do you know when it's time to let go of a negative person or relationship? Especially if you care got them deeply. 

 

 

Well, hypothetically...

 

when all *your* friends tell you to cut that person out of your life, that's a red flag.

when all *their* friends tell you to cut that person out of your life, that's another red flag.

when their family thank you for putting up with them for longer than anyone has ever managed before, yep, red flag.

if you manage to get severely depressed over the grief they're putting you through, yep, also a red flag.

 

Hypothetically that is

 

long range relationships are hard and triple that with someone who is insecure.  At some point, they need to start dealing with you as an adult and with a modicum of respect though, or it's just not worth it.  Which isn't to say it won't hurt you to have to do it, or there won't be times when you'll regret the necessity.  

 

 

Hello -

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's a three year investment, I wouldn't just throw it away.

 

there's also the concept of sunk costs though.  No matter what, you'll never get that time back.

[SimplyTsundere]

Perhaps you aren't telling him in a manner that resonates with him. If you've not read it already, I found The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman to be fairly enlightening.

 

I am kind of interested in what he does for you, what need of yours he fulfills. From what you've written, he seems like quite the taker. I agree with FyreFlies that people shouldn't cut out others at the first sign of difficulty; committed relationships are best when each partner has the best interest of the other at heart. You seem to be trying to build him up. Does he ever do the same for you?

 

I'm not one to quit. I do work at my relationships. Through many hospital visits, deaths of both of our friends, new jobs, financial issues, moving more than once, and on top of all being in a long distance, I don't quit. And I hold on because I do love him. Does he support me? Sometimes. Primarily seems to be when the mood strikes. When I landed my first job he was but that was two years ago. When I purchased my house he was not supportive at all and he's definitely not been supportive of this attempt at getting healthier. He tried when I gave it a go the first time, but semi-yelling at me didn't work.

[humanperson832]

Physically, no. Emotionally, probably.

 

I get the feeling I'm always the bad guy. I can't do right. Any issues we have stems from me (i.e. like I don't talk enough even though I text from the time I get up, while I'm at work, when I get off, and before bed so basically all day with some video chats). Or I'm in the wrong because I feel the way that I do. Like if you're actively pushing me away (i.e. him saying he's not gonna come visit.  He says , "You just go hang out with your friends since you don't miss me") even though I've begged for months for us to spend the holidays together. I'm kinda at my wits end.

 

This isn't a brand new relationship. It's been a three year investment. And it intensifies because it's a long distance relationship.

 

I just want to give you a great big hug that goes on and on forever.

 

I was you a year ago. I. Was. You. Long distance relationship, super emotionally destructive. I was always the bad guy, I could never do anything right, I couldn't go a day without upsetting him because I was awake for 10 whole minutes and I hadn't texted him (or some other garbage like that), I got called names regularly, etc. To the point where my (now ex) was saying almost exactly what your person is saying to you. And yes, all of that is emotional abuse. It is real, and it is just as damaging, if not more so, than physical abuse. (We all know psychological scars take much longer to heal than physical ones.)

 

I can tell you that it won't stop until you walk away and sever all ties. And then once you do, don't listen to that little voice that tells you to check up on that person. We can all sit here and throw logic at you, and you're going to agree. But I can say from experience that you're not going to leave until something clicks inside of you and you're just done. Done with the constant guilt trips, fights, name-calling, possessiveness, jealousy, invasion of privacy, isolation from everyone but him... people can tell you all day long that you deserve better, but until you feel in your SOUL that you deserve better, and you'll do whatever is necessary to get out, you'll keep finding reasons to stay.

 

When I finally let my roommates at the time in on what was happening, one of them pulled up this website: http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/is-this-abuse/ Just take a look and see how many of those are present in your relationship.

 

It won't stop. He (or she?) won't magically stop being awful to you. The ups and downs are going to get worse, and worse, and worse. I don't tell you this to crush your spirit or put the onus on you. I tell you this because, when you're ready, that information is going to free you. You're not responsible for anyone's happiness or well-being but your own (until you have kids, that is). I can't tell you what's going to make that shift inside of you happen. I don't even know what made that shift happen for me. I just knew that when I was ready to leave, I did it. And I never looked back. And it was the best thing that ever happened to me: both the relationship itself and the rebirth of myself that happened as a result of ending it. I can honestly say that I'm the best me I've ever been, and it's a direct result of going through that.

 

Side note: it doesn't matter if it's been three days or three years. In fact, it's even more imperative to get out of that cycle if it's been going on for years. Because the longer you listen to someone you love spew negativity at you, the higher the chance you're going to believe it. That's the only reason I stayed as long as I did -- because really, my ex was only confirming my very deep-seated belief about myself at the time.

 

Please, please message me if you want to talk to someone who's been there. I'm not going to lecture you about leaving (because I pretty much just did that), I just want to make sure you have someone to talk to.

[I-Jo]

. According to him, all his relationships fail because the other person's feelings change but mine have not. I still love him. I still think he needs help. I still miss him. But he needs help. And I cannot be his help or his reason to get help. It needs to be for himself.

 

 

I've always told him that I'll be that fountain too. But I've also told him I have my own shit and problems. But it's never as bad as his because I'm not sick and I have a job and money. He thinks money will solve all his problems and I know it won't. I genuinely try to be there as much as my patience and my life as a whole allows me to be without draining myself.

this.

 

you wrote your break up words already. 

 

I love you.  I care about you- but you are creating a situation in my life I can no longer bare.  I'm not strong enough to carry you me and ALL our problems.  

 

 

It won't stop. He (or she?) won't magically stop being awful to you. The ups and downs are going to get worse, and worse, and worse. I don't tell you this to crush your spirit or put the onus on you. I tell you this because, when you're ready, that information is going to free you. You're not responsible for anyone's happiness or well-being but your own (until you have kids, that is). I can't tell you what's going to make that shift inside of you happen. I don't even know what made that shift happen for me. I just knew that when I was ready to leave, I did it. And I never looked back. And it was the best thing that ever happened to me: both the relationship itself and the rebirth of myself that happened as a result of ending it. I can honestly say that I'm the best me I've ever been, and it's a direct result of going through that.

 

Side note: it doesn't matter if it's been three days or three years. In fact, it's even more imperative to get out of that cycle if it's been going on for years. Because the longer you listen to someone you love spew negativity at you, the higher the chance you're going to believe it. That's the only reason I stayed as long as I did -- because really, my ex was only confirming my very deep-seated belief about myself at the time.

 

this is spot on

[Guest]

The minute you start making excuses for their behavior:

 

"Well, it's just because we're long distance."

"Well, he's going through a rough time because..."

"Well, maybe I should have done blah blah blah"

 

Only a matter of time before you start saying

 

"Well, at least it wasn't as bad as the last time he did this."

 

Simply Tsundere, very eloquently put.

[samanmoran]

Wow! Look how much energy you've just invested in this other person by virtue of this thread. You owe it to yourself to give yourself that attention. The people in your life should enhance it in some way. The rest are dead weight.

 

Move on.