Re-evaluating

[Butterfly]

Hi there,

 

I've been on nerd fitness for a couple weeks but I've been lurking a bit longer than that and I decided it was time to jump on in.

 

Currently I'm 5'8 and 140lbs.  Sorry this post is going to be long.  I will summarize at the bottom.

 

So here is the deal with me.  I've never had a real problem with weight but I'm a girl so I think I do.  When I was a kid up to adolescence I was a ballerina.  When I was a teenager, big surprise, I grew some curves.  Some curves I thought were good (boobs!), some I was not so pleased about (bum and thighs).  Anyway so as a teenager I began my quest to "target tone" my bum and thighs.  I'm sure you can guess how that worked out.  I was always thin though.

 

Fast forward to grad school and the death of my best friend and a lot of other issues.  Anyway I was deep within a depression and a drinking problem.  So this is the first time I noticed any real significant weight gain in my life.  I don't exactly know what I weighed but I was definitely at a higher % of body fat.  It was probably approximately a 20 lb gain.  I embarked on a quest to crawl out of depression and out of this fitness black hole.  I remember in addition to the horror of what was happening to my body, I started dancing seriously again, not ballet but belly dance, and I was mortified by what my body couldn't do.  So I started to take this issue on full force (I have two modes off and full force).  And something amazing happened.  I learned something about diet and fitness for real and I lost all my weight and was down to 127 lbs.  Which was technically 3 lbs from my goal weight, but it was the first time I have seen anything real when it came to fitness and changing my life so I was happy.  

 

I finished grad school and started my new job.  I gained a little bit of weight but I was around or under 135. (of course in my brain I told myself I needed to loose weight but I wasn't very serious about taking off that 5-10 lbs)

 

A couple years later I get a nasty injury.  Ultimately it was decided that I had injured my SI joint and maybe more. I was getting minor nerve pain down my leg.  I didn't stop dancing I kept pushing because it was my job.  I wouldn't heal.  I couldn't heal.  I needed to build core strength to protect that joint and I couldn't do it.  I was getting depressed.  I was drinking.  I was gaining weight.  I was cutting calories too low to loose weight and thus not fueling my body to heal.  I was in pain constantly.  Long story short I unintentionally took a break and one morning I got up and there was no more nerve pain.  Over the next few months I was finally able to strengthen my core and was able to see a direct correlation between doing the core work and being pain free.  Today I'm mostly pain free and I really have learned the that thin and active doesn't mean you are strong.

 

So here I am today still battling the weight I gained.  I've been going up and down for a while.  My brain for some reason still focuses on that 125 lbs.  Which I was never able to get to.  A funny thing happened when I watched a video of me dancing at that 127 Ibs.  I realized I was never happy with my bum and thighs, even at the lower end of my weight, and I really look like a twig from the hips up. 

 

So I have a deep seated desire now to become stronger, to get my body to perform better.  And I think my programming maybe leading me in the opposite direction toward a low weight number. Realizing this and embracing this are different things.  I'm afraid to eat at maintenance.  I was trying to eat at too big a deficit for a long time.  I really want to do a pull up.  I can remember the day in middle school when I realized I couldn't do one anymore.

 

Summary: I am a girl with potentially unhealthy body expectations.  I have had ups and downs in my weightloss centered fitness and I want to move to a performance centered fitness strategy, but I'm having trouble psychologically adjusting.  I would appreciate any advice or objective observations or simply encouragement.

[Basement Cat]

Welcome to the rebellion, Butterfly!

 

I'm sorry for the hardships you've been through. But it's good that you want to pull out of them! The best I can offer is encouragement and a listening ear, so if you need either, you can PM me.

 

Good luck with your goals and keep us posted!

[Butterfly]

Thanks for the encouragement.  Didn't mean to be a downer

[Prairie]

Hi and welcome! Hope you find what you're looking for here. The 6-Week Challenge and Daily Battle Log forums are good places to track your goals and steps towards them, and can be a good sounding board for figuring out what you're doing/trying to do, as well.

[StuffedInABoxx]

Welcome to the Rebellion Butterfly!

 

Wow, what a journey! Sounds like plenty of incredibly difficult situations, but you have trekked through wonderfully! I think you came to a great place to receive the support and advice you need to accomplish your goals!