Depression

[cracked_belle]

It's incredibly frustrating how much my own family history contributes to my problems. After some discussion this weekend with my partner and some introspection, I started to take a good look at all the weird stuff I do to stave off anxiety. And of course, googling lead me to some symptoms (nightmares, IBS-like symptoms, unnecessary fears, etc) and predispositions (children of mothers who are/were unhappy, or otherwise non-emotive). Sigh, back to therapy with my tail between my legs

ugh, I can relate so much. my father has bipolar disorder and alcoholism, my mother and brother have depression, most of my aunts had/have depression, my cousin committed suicide, my grandfather had electron shock therapy, etc. etc.

my mother actually told me one day that if she knew how much my brother and I would be struggling in life, she wouldn't have even had us. I mean, that sounds kinda horribly at first. but really, I find it comforting, because it means she recognizes we're not just weak or lazy, but that we actually have problems.

[AlterStephen]

I have depression and borderline personality disorder. The last few weeks especially have been rough.

[Glacier]

I'm borderline too... Or I was... I'm not diagnosable anymore, but that doesn't mean I don't still have symptoms. I usually just say I have/had a personality disorder, since there's still such hardcore stigma with BPD. But sometimes, I want a megaphone and a soapbox. I feel damn strong and damn brave when I think about how much I've overcome, and how hard I've worked just to achieve something like sanity.

[AlterStephen]

It's a sucky disorder to have, both borderline and depression. I hate being overwhelmed with feelings of rejection and abandonment when they aren't really there, all because a friend of mine stopped talking to me for a few days to focus on school. I hate being as sensitive as I am to criticism. I hate feeling shame and humiliated when I should only feel mild embarrassment, or intense rage when I should only feel annoyed or frustrated. And I hate getting suicidal thoughts seemingly for the stupidest reasons. And all of it is starting to get to me lately.

 

Sorry for being a downer. Just feeling really upset at everything right now.

[Candace Koller]

I think we've all been there, AlterStephen. Mental illness seems to screw with the very fiber of a person's being and leave just a husk of what used to be. I know for certain that it does to me at least.

I've not been diagnosed with BPD and honestly I am not very familiar with what the symptoms are but that is amazing that you have overcome it Aelinn. Overcoming any mental illness is incredible and requires strength that a lot of people don't even know.

[Lalie Fanyarendil]

Sorry for being a downer. Just feeling really upset at everything right now.

 

There's no need to apologize for your feelings! At least, not in this thread. Or to apologize for apologizing. It's really distressing not to be able to control your own emotions. Everybody seems to think that those are one of the things everyone should have the MOST control over. And that inability to control them must show laziness and lack of discipline.

 

My mother has said (now, anyway) that telling someone with depression to just cheer up is like telling someone who needs glasses to just try harder to see. (And then she tells me not to let anyone know that I have these disorders. Gee, look, your true agenda is showing.) I've come to think that this isn't really a good analogy because there are a lot of people out there who say that you can improve your eyesight with eye exercises...at the very least you can bring things closer to your face or do SOMETHING to help the situation. I think it'd be more accurate to compare it to telling someone with type 1 diabetes "you could make your pancreas make more insulin if you'd just try! You're doing it to yourself."

[AlterStephen]

My favorite analogy is that telling a person with depression to "get over it" is like telling a person having an asthma attack to just take a deep breath. But that's exactly the problem. They can't.

[Amdhiel]

My favorite analogy is that telling a person with depression to "get over it" is like telling a person having an asthma attack to just take a deep breath. But that's exactly the problem. They can't.

 

... I am a severe asthmatic (so bad I was tested for CF when I was a kid) and have depression so for me this is actually really true and really funny. The downside of asthma is I'm way to good at dealing with anxiety due to physical issues which has negative implications in regards to depression. My asthma is so bad I have learned to function when I have O2 dep... so I can breathe deep while having an attack. I'm a terrible role model when it comes to this combination of issues. 

 

I can only be so glib about this because both issues are for once in my life under decent control which has not been the case from some 15-20 years. Just b/c they are under control doesn't mean I better or normal by any means...

[Lalie Fanyarendil]

Argh. I've been depressed for the past few days and I can't figure out why. When I think about it I'm quite happy with the way everything is going, but when I don't think about it I feel like everything is pointless. Luckily I've got a healthy weekly routine right now so autopilot ought to work. I can't figure out what the trigger is. I thought it might have been getting low on sleep, but I'm feeling rested now. Medication hasn't changed. Hormones haven't changed. Stress level hasn't changed. Eating habits haven't changed. Exercise levels haven't changed. Over the past few years I've at least been able to identify what's bothering me, even if I'm overreacting to it. Well, at least I already had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday--maybe he can help me figure it out.

[Stonie]

I sympathise, Lalie. I'm going through the same thing at the moment. I know I should keep busy to keep my mind off things but trying to coax myself into doing things makes me anxious and cranky and I stubbornly refuse to move off the couch. I am my own worst enemy. Not sure what triggered it, but the negative thoughts keep piling up. Which shits me to tears, considering I know damn well how good I've got it, and this makes me even sadder that I'm even sad in the first place. Pah!

 

Also I don't think the increased stress about work at the moment is helping (Biggest event happening in town in the last 100 years? Yeah, no biggie. 8-days straight working evening shift? Pssh, child's play.) It's increased my clumsiness 10-fold. I burnt, cut, and banged myself all in one day on Monday. Nothing serious, but that also made me sad/angry about seemingly not being able to control my limbs like everyone else. I'm like a walking catastrophe.

[Candace Koller]

Sometimes the chemicals in the brain shift for no reason and out of nowhere you can be sad for no reason. It happens to me more than I like to admit. Despite knowing that happens I still try to rationalize why I'm upset and then end up getting frustrated the times I can't figure it out. I still like to think depression has a logical process even when I know it doesn't.

[Candace Koller]

Sometimes the chemicals in the brain shift for no reason and out of nowhere you can be sad for no reason. It happens to me more than I like to admit. Despite knowing that happens I still try to rationalize why I'm upset and then end up getting frustrated the times I can't figure it out. I still like to think depression has a logical process even when I know it doesn't.

[Toxophilite]

Sometimes the chemicals in the brain shift for no reason and out of nowhere you can be sad for no reason. It happens to me more than I like to admit. Despite knowing that happens I still try to rationalize why I'm upset and then end up getting frustrated the times I can't figure it out. I still like to think depression has a logical process even when I know it doesn't.

 

That's exactly it. I think it comes down to how our brains work. We are made to try to understand things and spot patterns so we naturally try to look for the 'reason' why we feel bad, but sometimes there might not be anything there. It's like the noises in the dark and faces in shadows. Our brains are very clever but sometimes they work a little too hard.

[kaelvan]

It's incredibly frustrating how much my own family history contributes to my problems. After some discussion this weekend with my partner and some introspection, I started to take a good look at all the weird stuff I do to stave off anxiety. And of course, googling lead me to some symptoms (nightmares, IBS-like symptoms, unnecessary fears, etc) and predispositions (children of mothers who are/were unhappy, or otherwise non-emotive). Sigh, back to therapy with my tail between my legs

Yup. Both sides of my family have history of mental illness and addiction.

 

My mom suffered from anxiety/depression and bulimia. My uncle on my dad's side suffered from depression and drug/alcohol addiction. My cousin on my dad's side suffering now from anxiety. My dad's mom was a drinker. My mom's mom is dealing with serious anxiety that she basically stays in her house all the time (close to recluse). Most of my cousins on my my mom's side are/have dealt with anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder. Same thing with my aunts and uncles (though their choose of cooping is different...mostly alcohol or drugs) on my mom's side. I know there is more. I just don't remember everyone.

 

Isn't genetics fun?

 

Getting help is still new thing with my family. It's mostly a generation thing.

[kaelvan]

My favorite analogy is that telling a person with depression to "get over it" is like telling a person having an asthma attack to just take a deep breath. But that's exactly the problem. They can't.

That's perfect. I don't know how many times I've heard that from people just to "get over it".

 

Much like "there's other people that have it worst than you". Yeah because that's going to make me feel better. Now I can feel shitty for those people too. As well as, feel bad for feeling bad. And it's usual the people who've never dealt with depression.

[AlterStephen]

That's perfect. I don't know how many times I've heard that from people just to "get over it".

 

Much like "there's other people that have it worst than you". Yeah because that's going to make me feel better. Now I can feel shitty for those people too. As well as, feel bad for feeling bad. And it's usual the people who've never dealt with depression.

 

The worst for me is when people say I'm just being selfish.

[Artinum]

Now this is weird. I'm pretty sure I'm depressed at the moment - no enthusiasm for anything, little energy - but I'm feeling fairly positive in terms of mood. This is actually quite frustrating. I have stuff to do and I want to get on with it, but I simply can't make myself do anything.

[cracked_belle]

Now this is weird. I'm pretty sure I'm depressed at the moment - no enthusiasm for anything, little energy - but I'm feeling fairly positive in terms of mood. This is actually quite frustrating. I have stuff to do and I want to get on with it, but I simply can't make myself do anything.

 

is it more like a listliness feeling??  lethargy?

[Candace Koller]

The worst for me is when people say I'm just being selfish.

 

Absolutely. I feel awful when people treat me like that too. People who have never been through mental illness often don't realize how much strength it can take to just get out of bed sometimes. Or stay alive other times.

[Artinum]

is it more like a listliness feeling??  lethargy?

 

I think so. But I'm mostly back to normal now - there were some key triggers that needed sorting out, chief of which was a lack of sleep (but some bad food choices and work stress also featured).

[Stonie]

I think so. But I'm mostly back to normal now - there were some key triggers that needed sorting out, chief of which was a lack of sleep (but some bad food choices and work stress also featured).

 

I've been subject to this this past week as well. So much work! This week has been a right mental rollercoaster for me. So far I'm up to day 9 of work shifts in a row, but thankfully I've been promised 4 days off from tomorrow (if nothing goes wrong with the other staff..) I'm going to have to put my foot down and demand a couple of days off if they try to get me to cover for the others; my mental situation isn't going to cope with having to be there for another day or two, and neither will my feet.

 

I've barely gotten enough sleep and haven't eaten well at all, which hasn't been helped along by a general feeling of nausea every time I smell food that would actually be good for me. I turned down scrambled eggs for canned baked beans and cheese on toast the other day. It was disgustingly good. xD

 

Today the sun is out and I've had a sleep in. I will be happy if it kills me!

[Lalie Fanyarendil]

Yesterday my psychiatrist pointed something out to me that I had been starting to wonder about, and that may be triggering my depression right now--I'm probably feeling lonely. I have friends in town, but they may not be very interested in being friends anymore--I'm familiar with the signs. I get out of my apartment and out of my routine, but not with other people.

 

I've got two barriers to making friends, and I'm still trying to figure out how to get past them. The first is that I really can't figure out where to go to meet like-minded people. Church is no good--I've not yet met anyone of any age with any shared hobbies or interests. Pathfinder Society didn't work--I thought I'd met some cool people, but they refused to stop insulting something important to me, and that's not a foundation for a good friendship. (I did ask them nicely.) Since I'm starting to get into the flow arts it would be nice to find some people who do that, but I've only found groups of hoopers and poi dancers, both of which are cool but neither of which I'm interested in. I have no idea where I can meet other nerds who sort of have similar moral values. Like...people who will enjoy Zombie Munchkin and Kill the Overlord and respect the fact that Cards Against Humanity makes me really uncomfortable.

 

The other barrier is a tendency to think that my presence is something I should avoid inflicting on other people if at all possible. I'm pretty sure that this is one of those things that nobody can really help me with and that I need to sort out for myself. I'm working on it.

[kaelvan]

I don't even have friends. I do try to talk to people in class, but don't have anyone to hang out with outside class (it's community college by the way). And it doesn't help everything is so far from me (hate living middle of nowhere). Kinda of really sucks being lone wolf.

Why is so hard to find few people to geek out with and to have my back? *sigh*

[kaelvan]

The worst for me is when people say I'm just being selfish.

I've heard that quit few times. I think my psychologist even said that to me once. Then again he's not much of a charmer.

[Amdhiel]

Yesterday my psychiatrist pointed something out to me that I had been starting to wonder about, and that may be triggering my depression right now--I'm probably feeling lonely. I have friends in town, but they may not be very interested in being friends anymore--I'm familiar with the signs. I get out of my apartment and out of my routine, but not with other people.

 

I've got two barriers to making friends, and I'm still trying to figure out how to get past them. The first is that I really can't figure out where to go to meet like-minded people. Church is no good--I've not yet met anyone of any age with any shared hobbies or interests. Pathfinder Society didn't work--I thought I'd met some cool people, but they refused to stop insulting something important to me, and that's not a foundation for a good friendship. (I did ask them nicely.) Since I'm starting to get into the flow arts it would be nice to find some people who do that, but I've only found groups of hoopers and poi dancers, both of which are cool but neither of which I'm interested in. I have no idea where I can meet other nerds who sort of have similar moral values. Like...people who will enjoy Zombie Munchkin and Kill the Overlord and respect the fact that Cards Against Humanity makes me really uncomfortable.

 

The other barrier is a tendency to think that my presence is something I should avoid inflicting on other people if at all possible. I'm pretty sure that this is one of those things that nobody can really help me with and that I need to sort out for myself. I'm working on it.

 

I can totally understand both of these barriers. I have no idea of how to meet people that I can be friends with and the way I tend to see myself is a huge barrier. I've made some progress on that part but not the first. I'm terrible at putting myself out there and talking to people when I don't have a specific reason. It's definitely something I want to work on changing.