Men ONLY please...

[leadchipmunk]

I was actually just talking about this last night to my lady friend. Especially you chipmunk. I was saying how i look forward to your posts because although I feel you and i are pretty different personalities your opinion is one i respect and you make me laugh.

Really? More bro love coming, be prepared. I'm pretty sure I never said this, but there are two reasons I joined this forum after lurking for a (very) short while. Both were guys on here, one I had already let know this. The other is you. Your personality and openness actually inspired me to open up to a forum that I had absolutely no experience in (the fitness part, not nerdiness).

we have a different idea of what that means than she does. Communication settles all.

May I ask what her idea of exclusivity is? That way I have an idea if I happen to get stuck in a similar situation.

[Church]

Holy cow, first I'll say thanks for all the info/support

And then I'll try address as much as I can.

I really think that online is the way to go for me, and I'll definitely look into match and okcupid.

As far as my personality/fear, that maybe wasn't the right word for it (aside from general fear of the unknown, coupled with a generally negative world view). Really the issue that I have is that either a girl is really into me, and I'm totally oblivious, or I'm just not in the mood to try. I've already psyched myself out and given up before I'd even begun.

You're absolutely right about prioritizing. And I realized almost instantly that it's not a priority right now. I have so many other areas where I'm trying to flourish that I just feel like I have nothing left to put into it. But that's never stopped me before.

When I get going, I may make my profile public on here for some critiquing/help. And I'll definitely be asking for date ideas if something works out, but that's a ways off yet.

And finally, the thing I'm most eager to respond to: Is there seriously a gay dating site called gaydar? THAT'S AWESOME!

And I'm very sorry if that last one was offensive, that wasn't my intention. I'm something of a shut-it and I'm not up to date on all the accepted and politically correct terms for, well, anything really. It all changes so fast, and I have very limited exposure to much of anything outside of my regular group of associates.

[CyningaDena]

Really? More bro love coming, be prepared.

I'm pretty sure this is the only thing that's missing right now.

Jokes. That was actually pretty cool.

And finally, the thing I'm most eager to respond to: Is there seriously a gay dating site called gaydar? THAT'S AWESOME!

If there is a ridiculous double-entendre, an off-color joke, or a circuit-twink buzz phrase, you can bet your bustier there's a gay-marketed app with that name. Witness: the gay man's version of Skout is called Grindr. As in, the meat.

I just have to pray that the lesbians are keeping it extra classy to balance us out.

[leadchipmunk]

I'm pretty sure this is the only thing that's missing right now.

Jokes. That was actually pretty cool.

Picture is broke, but following the URL leads me to this picture:

Therefore, I call Lady right now. I want the last meatball (and for once, that is not a double-entendre, I'm just hungry and craving some protein right now (not another double-entrendre either)).

[Artinum]

Gaydar is still around, I think, but not as popular as it was ten years ago. The likes of Grindr have taken over. Not that I know too much about them any more!

I've met some classy lesbians before, so they probably do have a better quality of tone on their dating sites. On the other hand, I've met a short, round, Guinness-drinking footballer lesbian who ticks every stereotype!

[Guest Snake McClain]

Re: Online Dating

(If I've mentioned this before I apologize) I have one friend that was very successful with online dating, and he believes that it's because he was ruthless with his time. He knew what he needed/wanted/could live with/didn't like/hated and stuck to his guns. Since (some) people tell white lies or have a skewed view of themselves it usually takes a while to find out what people are really all about; by the end of his foray into online dating he could tell by the time the appetizers arrived whether his date was worth sticking around for. Sure some women were around for weeks or months, but other dates ended before they got going. Know what's a deal-breaker and don't deviate, there's no point hanging onto something that is doomed to fail. Religious beliefs, life goals, kids, pets, smokers/drug/drinkers/straight-edge, travelers or homebodies, matching emotional needs etc. Good luck!

this is absolutely right. after a while i'd go on dates and like ^his friend there I would know within MOMENTS that i'd want it to be over and would be thinking of my exit strategy. Conversely i also have had 4 long term relationships in my life, and each one i've known within an instant (except for one for really messed up reasons) that i wanted to spend years with that person. and i did. so...yeah. be strict with what YOU want and WHO YOU are. stick to your guns.

Really? More bro love coming, be prepared. I'm pretty sure I never said this, but there are two reasons I joined this forum after lurking for a (very) short while. Both were guys on here, one I had already let know this. The other is you. Your personality and openness actually inspired me to open up to a forum that I had absolutely no experience in (the fitness part, not nerdiness).

May I ask what her idea of exclusivity is? That way I have an idea if I happen to get stuck in a similar situation.

1) wait...I inspired you? That...actually means a lot to hear this. Thank you. Hopefully i've lived up to the "hype" or whatever.

2) her idea of exclusivity...okay so the first thing I have to address is that to her "exclusive" and "commitment" are one and the same. She doesnt want to be a girlfriend one day she wants to be a wife...if that makes sense. Her heart feels I'm the guy but she needs time for her mind to sort it out and be sure. I get it now. its all good. But in that, her "needing to keep her options open" is a matter of...okay let's say we are together for...6 months and she has closed the door to meeting anyone else at all in that time...but then we stop seeing each other. she is 35, so that's 6 months of not making any potential friends at all that could have come along and maybe later opened the door to someone new. so i get that too...but i still didnt answer the question. So here...

...When MOST people say "I'm not exclusive" that means (typically) I'm going to go on dates (romantic kinds) with who I want, do what i want (physical stuff) with who I want, and I don't owe you any sort of explanation. With HER she "I'm not exclusive" means she, wants an option of hanging out with anyone (meaning guys here) non romantically but as friends so she can know she still explored the world a bit while her and I are building to this thing we feel is probably inevitable. She is exclusive to me sexually (all the way down to hand holding and cuddling on a couch) and that will not change. She is not pursuing romantic interests but friendly ones in order to keep a door open so if she sees red flags or deal breakers she can look around and see whats there that may be different. She has said that she has hung out with one guy since meeting me and that entire time she was thinking of me. Also she has an ex that is good friends with her that keeps wanting her back and she told him that if they were to maintain any friendship he needed to know that it is absolutely over between the two of them and that she has met someone special and he needed to keep a healthy distance...this was after a week of knowing me. so really i think i probably don't have anything to worry about.

hopefully i answered this question.

[Church]

RE: exclusivity.

Isn't that what exclusive is? She's with you, but still has friends? She does understand that just cuz you're dating and whatever doesn't mean she's your slave or whatever, right? It's perfectly normal and healthy for men and women in relationships to have friends of both sexes.

Generally when I tell a girl that we're not exclusive, it means I'm actively pursuing, or at least open to, other romantic interests.

It sounds to me like she's confused about basic definitions of common words. Or perhaps has something of a skewed view of the world.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Snake, you and your lady friend may need to develop a new word, because the two of you apparently have different working definitions of exclusive and committed. Basically what she is saying is she won't fool around on you but want's to be a normal, twenty-first century person who has friends of both genders. May I submit the portmanteus exmitted, comclusive and commutive for your consideration. (There were more but they were far too open to double entendre).

[67alecto]

...When MOST people say "I'm not exclusive" that means (typically) I'm going to go on dates (romantic kinds) with who I want, do what i want (physical stuff) with who I want, and I don't owe you any sort of explanation. With HER she "I'm not exclusive" means she, wants an option of hanging out with anyone (meaning guys here) non romantically but as friends so she can know she still explored the world a bit while her and I are building to this thing we feel is probably inevitable. She is exclusive to me sexually (all the way down to hand holding and cuddling on a couch) and that will not change. She is not pursuing romantic interests but friendly ones in order to keep a door open so if she sees red flags or deal breakers she can look around and see whats there that may be different. She has said that she has hung out with one guy since meeting me and that entire time she was thinking of me. Also she has an ex that is good friends with her that keeps wanting her back and she told him that if they were to maintain any friendship he needed to know that it is absolutely over between the two of them and that she has met someone special and he needed to keep a healthy distance...this was after a week of knowing me. so really i think i probably don't have anything to worry about.

The issue here is that she said outloud what is pretty much going to be going on in anyone's head in that situation. What she is doing is pretty much the norm. Every relationship starts out like - people see where it is going and either like what they're getting or they find something else.

The fact that she vocalized it threw you off. It sound slike you have a good understanding, so just do your thing and if it's meant to be it will happen.

[Jcannon98188]

WHAT! How DARE she want FRIENDS!?!?!?!?!??!@121212121

Off with her head!

[Guest Snake McClain]

RE: exclusivity.

Isn't that what exclusive is? She's with you, but still has friends? She does understand that just cuz you're dating and whatever doesn't mean she's your slave or whatever, right? It's perfectly normal and healthy for men and women in relationships to have friends of both sexes.

Generally when I tell a girl that we're not exclusive, it means I'm actively pursuing, or at least open to, other romantic interests.

It sounds to me like she's confused about basic definitions of common words. Or perhaps has something of a skewed view of the world.

well i know a bit about some of her exes and if i understand correctly this all stems back to them being controlling d baggers.

The issue here is that she said outloud what is pretty much going to be going on in anyone's head in that situation. What she is doing is pretty much the norm. Every relationship starts out like - people see where it is going and either like what they're getting or they find something else.

The fact that she vocalized it threw you off. It sound slike you have a good understanding, so just do your thing and if it's meant to be it will happen.

Exactly, the fact that she said, "I need to keep my options open and hang out with men that aren't just you." was really confusing. the way it sounded was just...weird.

WHAT! How DARE she want FRIENDS!?!?!?!?!??!@121212121

Off with her head!

I KNOW RIGHT! GAWD SHES SUCH A JERK! lol

[Atalan]

Bought new hair and beard trimmer. This might be the shortest my hair will be until March.

[leadchipmunk]

You have lived up to what I thought, no worries.

I agree with everyone else, those exes of hers skewed her mindset of what a relationship is. There doesn't seem to be any real problem as long as you aren't a d-bag (which it sounds like you aren't).

Lookin' good Atalan!

[Guest Snake McClain]

You have lived up to what I thought, no worries.

I agree with everyone else, those exes of hers skewed her mindset of what a relationship is. There doesn't seem to be any real problem as long as you aren't a d-bag (which it sounds like you aren't).

well thank you. and yes. her exes have done a number on her. just as my ex wife...in ways i am not sure i have or will ever mention in a public forum...did a number on me.

Bought new hair and beard trimmer. This might be the shortest my hair will be until March.

You bastards and your round heads that look good shaved. you really make me mad.

[Atalan]

You bastards and your round heads that look good shaved. you really make me mad.

You bastards with your full heads of hair.

(what I like best about that photo is the shirt used fit instead of being baggy)

[Church]

I don't know why I'm so gun shy about getting online. I went to match.com last night and started filling out the first page (with fake info) and then shut the system down before it went any farther. Which is an improvement over 2 days ago when I just googled 'dating sites'. I think in another 3-5 attempts I may actually have a blank profile to begin thinking about working on. Lol. I'm not sure why I chose match.com instead of okcupid or some other site. I think it has to do with how ordinary the name is. It's very unassuming and nonthreatening.

[Artinum]

I don't know why I'm so gun shy about getting online. I went to match.com last night and started filling out the first page (with fake info) and then shut the system down before it went any farther. Which is an improvement over 2 days ago when I just googled 'dating sites'. I think in another 3-5 attempts I may actually have a blank profile to begin thinking about working on. Lol. I'm not sure why I chose match.com instead of okcupid or some other site. I think it has to do with how ordinary the name is. It's very unassuming and nonthreatening.

I'm sending you a hug. What's your hugfax number?

Weird how something like this can be so terrifying. Well, it isn't terrifying to me, but I have no shame. I had a rather... interesting period after I left University, but I'd really rather not discuss it on an open forum! Church, take your time. I'd suggest leaving out a photograph until you're comfortable enough to go "live" - I can guarantee that dating site browsers are deeply shallow and will pay little attention to profiles without pictures. Your first goal should be a "bare bones" profile with just the essentials, and you can add more as you get more comfortable with it. You could probably use a fake name, too, but that might lead to issues down the road if you DO find someone, so I don't recommend it.

[Denny]

Weirdest thing, ever, happened today.

I'm playing Counter Strike: Global Offensive, typically man-dominated game with a lot of smack-talk, kids and shit. I'm playing on this Swedish server like normal and there are actually some nice people playing on the server. One of them is really fun to play with, good talk in the chat, skilled player and it's a woman in voice-com. (nice to have women playing for once) I add her on Steam, hoping I not come forward as a creep, because truth be told I just wanted to add a nice player to my friend list so I can join a good game in the future. She accepts the invite, we have a really nice conversation after that and out of the blue she's starting to send images of herself and.... My reaction was HOT DAMN, but I didn't exactly say it like that (still don't want to be a creep).

Reaction was like;

or maybe... (is this for real?)

At this point I was thinking "This must be a master troll or something...", we continue the chat and talk some more and out of the blue she asks for my phone number. 'lo and behold, she calls up! We have a nice talk over the phone despite me hearing about 50% of what she says, because her phone seems to have a horrible mic. The conversation ends pretty well, we chat some more on Steam (it's now 1AM). It's my turn to send images of me, she didn't react neither good nor bad so it's hard to know if she's still interested. We're both about to go to sleep and we say good night. She then calls again (totally unexpected) and I completely fuck up the last call of the night! I can't hear much of what she says, I think she just wanted a good-night call, but I was completely awkward for not hearing shit. So the convo ended with me saying "uh, good night then, sleep tight" and she's "uh, ok then..." and hangs up after a few awkward seconds. This was definitely not supposed to be a conversation ending.

First of all, I'm completely inexperienced with situations like this. Heck, me and phones don't go well together! Yet, this made my day. I'm going to keep contact and see if I can take this further, hopefully the last call didn't screw everything up.

Today, I add +1 level to social skills.

--

I'm not misinterpreting this as an opening am I? I'm socially incompetent and I can't think of a better social invite than this online. This is probably as far as a dating community could take me.

[Red1263]

Weirdest thing, ever, happened today.

I'm playing Counter Strike: Global Offensive, typically man-dominated game with a lot of smack-talk, kids and shit. I'm playing on this Swedish server like normal and there are actually some nice people playing on the server. One of them is really fun to play with, good talk in the chat, skilled player and it's a woman in voice-com. (nice to have women playing for once) I add her on Steam, hoping I not come forward as a creep, because truth be told I just wanted to add a nice player to my friend list so I can join a good game in the future. She accepts the invite, we have a really nice conversation after that and out of the blue she's starting to send images of herself and man... My reaction was HOT DAMN, but I didn't exactly say it like that (still don't want to be a creep). At this point I was thinking "This must be a master troll or something...", we continue the chat and talk some more and out of the blue she asks for my phone number.

lo and behold, she calls up! We have a nice talk over the phone despite me hearing about 50% of what she says, because her phone seems to have a horrible mic. The conversation ends pretty well, we chat some more on Steam (it's now 1AM). It's my turn to send images of me, she didn't react neither good nor bad so it's hard to know if she's still interested. We're both about to go to sleep and we say good night. She then calls again (totally unexpected) and I completely fuck up the last call of the night! I can't hear much of what she says, I think she just wanted a good-night call, but I was completely awkward for not hearing shit. So the convo ended with me saying "uh, good night then, sleep tight" and she's "uh, ok then..." and hangs up after a few awkward seconds.

First of all, I'm completely inexperienced with situations like this. Heck, me and phones don't go well together! Yet, this made my day. I'm going to keep contact and see if I can take this further, hopefully the last call didn't screw everything up.

Today, I add +1 level to social skills.

Once you have her on the phone again, you must IMMEDIATELY try to make up for that mess up! Tell her that you didn't catch what she was said, etc. etc, I recommend being honest about it, but anything can work, so long as you address it, and try to get her to repeat, what could've been vital information!

But hey hey! HIGH FIVE Dude for getting a Gamer girl, you can NOT lose this one, unless that guy you mentioned was her boyfriend. but hey, having a Girl as a gamer buddy isn't bad either. You've earned that +1!

[azsf]

She is not pursuing romantic interests but friendly ones in order to keep a door open so if she sees red flags or deal breakers she can look around and see whats there that may be different.

Not sure why people haven't mentioned it, but this is not just 'having friends like a normal person' or whatever. this strikes me as a little off. if she means what she's said, then she's essentially trying to find other guys as points of reference to you and the relationship you too have. so everytime you do something weird, she'll ask one of them if they do it to. once you hit the 'oh...' moment, she's got a perfect monkey swing set up. id think long and hard about settling down here. i mean, how would she feel if you were grooming possibilities on the side to compare to her? it's creepy mate.

[Denny]

Once you have her on the phone again, you must IMMEDIATELY try to make up for that mess up! Tell her that you didn't catch what she was said, etc. etc, I recommend being honest about it, but anything can work, so long as you address it, and try to get her to repeat, what could've been vital information!

But hey hey! HIGH FIVE Dude for getting a Gamer girl, you can NOT lose this one, unless that guy you mentioned was her boyfriend. but hey, having a Girl as a gamer buddy isn't bad either. You've earned that +1!

I definitely will. I have one advantage and that is I can't shut my mouth for honest things even if it can hurt, bad thing is I have a talent for putting a negative spin on things... What guy did I mention by the way? I can't see I mention a guy anywhere.

Edit*

Oh, I think it was the sentence "send images of herself and man... My reaction" that made a misunderstanding? Sorry for that! I edited that out.

[Church]

I'm sending you a hug. What's your hugfax number?

Weird how something like this can be so terrifying. Well, it isn't terrifying to me, but I have no shame. I had a rather... interesting period after I left University, but I'd really rather not discuss it on an open forum! Church, take your time. I'd suggest leaving out a photograph until you're comfortable enough to go "live" - I can guarantee that dating site browsers are deeply shallow and will pay little attention to profiles without pictures. Your first goal should be a "bare bones" profile with just the essentials, and you can add more as you get more comfortable with it. You could probably use a fake name, too, but that might lead to issues down the road if you DO find someone, so I don't recommend it.

I'd most likely go with a Nickname or something. I wouldn't be comfortable having my real name out there, at least not in full. I'm totally going to have to leave out a pic at first. I have no good pics of me. Like, at all. So I guess I better get on that. Lol.

[Red1263]

I definitely will. I have one advantage and that is I can't shut my mouth for honest things even if it can hurt, bad thing is I have a talent for putting a negative spin on things... What guy did I mention by the way? I can't see I mention a guy anywhere.

Edit*

Oh, I think it was the sentence "of her and man... My reaction" that made a misunderstanding? Sorry for that!

Oh I see it now, you said, "pics of her, and man..." I read that as "Pic of her and man." ha ha ha, My mistake, disregard that part of my reply ;;

[KillerGriller]

since the first one went over well, here's another:

[Weazley]

With HER "I'm not exclusive" means she, wants an option of hanging out with anyone (meaning guys here) non romantically but as friends so she can know she still explored the world a bit while her and I are building to this thing we feel is probably inevitable. She is exclusive to me sexually (all the way down to hand holding and cuddling on a couch) and that will not change. She is not pursuing romantic interests but friendly ones in order to keep a door open so if she sees red flags or deal breakers she can look around and see whats there that may be different. She has said that she has hung out with one guy since meeting me and that entire time she was thinking of me. Also she has an ex that is good friends with her that keeps wanting her back and she told him that if they were to maintain any friendship he needed to know that it is absolutely over between the two of them and that she has met someone special and he needed to keep a healthy distance...this was after a week of knowing me. so really i think i probably don't have anything to worry about.

I see this as she is being physically exclusive, but not emotionally exclusive.

Particularly with an "ex who wants her back". Sorry to be harsh, but if she's disconnected now (or never connected in the first place) what makes you so sure that she will connect 100% emotionally with you in the future? Will she always want to keep her options open with "No really, he's just a good friend", or "We just talk", "He's just this guy I know". These aren't just friends - they are emotional as well as social outlets. Would you be satisfied if she opened her "heart and soul" and talked about her problems with someone else? I see that her not emotionally being available as a big red flag.